Chapter 18: Where events of family conflicts and birthday celebrations collide

“Lillie, where did you even get these?” Olga exclaimed as I handed her the fish that Sable had given me earlier that day.

“From a friend,” I said, “but please don’t tell anyone about this. It was a rare occasion, and I cannot afford others seeking me out for fish in the future. But, I wanted your family to have it before winter sets in.”

“I am always so surprised by you,” Olga said while staring at me with her tired eyes. “I have nothing to give in return. I feel as if I can never repay you for all the kindness you have shown our family.”

“I don’t want anything—just looking out for my neighbors.”

“But, Lillie—what about you?”

“Just take care of your kids and help the neighbors when you can.” The younger children came to her side and began tugging on her worn-out shawl while asking about the fish. I bid goodnight, and left their house above the tool shop, traveling by the rickety bridge that led to my house on the second level. I popped over the side railing, onto the balcony, surprised to find all three men surrounded by smoke.

“There’s the missing girl,” Jamie proclaimed as he tapped the pipe against the railing. “Missed you at the mine today.” I greeted him with a nod, and he slightly blocked the path, and I attempted to move past him before any further questions were asked as my father and Thabias eyed me suspiciously.

“Dinner was over awhile ago,” Jamie said as he tapped the basket upon my back and took a whiff. “Where did you go? You smell like a campfire, and—“

“I’m not hungry,” I announced before Jamie could declare all the scents he was detecting, and I hurriedly moved past the men and entered my home. I could hear Jamie’s inquisitive interrogations, followed by my father’s loud grunts, and began to fear what would happen if Jamie were to continue prying into my private affairs.

The house was dark and I glided down the hallway and entered my room. I threw my items on the ground and lay on my bed. My hair smelled of the smoke from our fire, my hands of fish, but I reminisced Sable’s warm embrace from earlier that day. I thought about him hugging me while I cried and when we said goodbye. I played the scene over and over in my head, remembering all the fuzzy feelings within my heart. The weird feeling in my throat didn’t seem so bad now that I was alone. I heard the men outside laugh loudly, and I covered my head with my feather pillow, and allowed myself to relive the bittersweet moments over and over until I eventually fell asleep.

As winter rolled through the forest city, the lantern lights began to be lit earlier and the air grew dry and colder. Typically, due to the density of the structures and branches high above the ground, rarely did snow ever fall within the city limits. Only when I walked through the forest to the mine did I see small patches of snow to remind me the freezing conditions of winter. I began to wish I was like the creatures who hibernated during the cold seasons, but, alas, those in the city never stopped working, and I was no exception. I continued to work through the days under the earth, meeting with my new friends, occasionally going out with those of the mines, like David and Mira who were warming up to me, and helped around the house, for my mother still was ever so demanding. So, as the dark dreary days prolonged, and my heart ached for Sable, I accepted more invitations from others, seeking to fill the void that his absence had left.

“I heard your birthday is coming up,” Lara said as we sat upon a small tea-table in her family’s living area, after she had invited me over for tea and dinner.

“Yeah, it’s next week actually,” I said after sipping the tea from the delicate teacup I was enjoying using. A fire crackled in a stone fireplace and a strong smell of roasting meat came from further in the house where her mother and grandfather were cooking.

“We should get the group together to celebrate,” Lara suggested. “We can meet at The Old Bowl. I’ll get Millie to play all the best songs, and I can teach you some dances. “

“Why?”

“What do you mean, why? Why wouldn’t we celebrate your birthday?” Lara blinked dramatically while giving a half smile, and I simply shrugged. “Ah, Lillie, you poor thing. Alright, I’ll do all the planning, you have no reason to fret or worry. It’ll be nothing too extravagant, just a simple night out to celebrate our favorite gal.”

“What-ever.” I rolled my eyes and drank the last of the fruity tea, and Lara began to ramble about all the birthdays she had celebrated and how important it is to celebrate one’s life with their loved ones. For me, it never meant anything, but I did enjoy the concept of being around others during my birthday—something I usually detested each year. The memories of always being lectured on my birthday overwhelmed my mind. Birthdays were never celebrated in my family, nor in my neighborhood. It meant nothing to me in simple aspects, but the idea of going out with Lara and most likely Jamie, and others, felt exciting, as I did enjoy the progressiveness in which they were allowing me to partake in.

After Lara’s mother called us to dinner, we picked up the tea-table, and joined the rest of the family in the dining hall. Jamie was helping his mother set up the table when we entered, which surprised me that he hadn’t joined us for tea. Yet, again, Jamie was always full of surprises. Their father drifted in, wearing a rather tight waistcoat that was bulging from his large belly, and he sat down at the head of the long, narrow table, and the others of the family also joined. The grandfather began serving us all roast beef with steaming potatoes, and bread rolls. The family chatted about their day, but I noticed that Jamie was rather quiet as he sat next to his mother who only whispered to him on occasion.

“So, Lillie,” my friend’s father said, clearing his throat with a deep cough. I looked up at him after taking a bite of meat, and he cleared his throat even louder. “So, you work with Jamie at the mine, correct?”

“Yes, sir,” I said, and wiped my mouth with a napkin while noticing Jamie’s eyes bulge as he looked at me from across the table.

“And how is Jamie as a work-mate?” the father asked. “What can you tell me as an insider to his work-environment?”

“Daaaad!” Jamie whined while he dropped cutlery against the ceramic plate, causing a loud clanging as he only pouted while his eyes darted from me then to his father.

“What? Can I not know how things are going for you?” the father asked rather sternly.

“You’re looking for another spy, that’s what you mean,” Jamie grumbled, and his mother placed a hand upon his, patting it while cooing softly.

“Now, now, no need to get all hyped up,” she whispered, but the father still looked intently at me as he waited for me to answer.

“Jamie seems to be doing well—he is a good teammate,” I said. “He likes to make the difficult work more fun. Seems to be good, since, you know, the work is pretty tedious and stressful at times.”

“Always need to have fun, eh?” his father said with a scoff as he shot a glare towards Jamie, the opposite reaction I was hoping to create.

“And what’s wrong with that?” Lara chimed in, but kept her attention to cutting the roast beef. “Might as well try to make light of difficult situations. As Lillie said, it’s tedious and stressful. Why not lighten the gloomy aspects?”

“Not if it’s getting you kicked out of the family business due to childish whims,” the father snorted. Jamie suddenly flicked a napkin while pushing himself away from the table and stood up.

“Maybe the family business is just a life-sucking excuse of swindling prospects!” Jamie yelled as he pointed his finger. “Maybe it’s all just a bunch of bullshit!”

“Jamie!” his mother scolded as she grabbed the sleeve of his tunic, but he thrust his arm up, then stomped away. The mother looked at me while standing up, and Lara and the grandfather simply continued eating as if it all were a common experience within their family dynamic.

“Sit down, Bari,” the father demanded. “You don’t need to coddle him. The boy is only being dramatic.” She obeyed and quietly sad down again, and began discussing the quality flavors of the potatoes, igniting the grandfather and Lara to speak happily about the recipe in which they both loved most.

Jamie never returned to the table, nor did the parents speak to me more about him, and I felt relieved when dinner was over, and Lara escorted me to the front door. She bid me goodnight, reminding me of the birthday celebration next week, and I left their house with a satisfied stomach, but aching curiosity of the complexities of families, even those of a higher status.

As I moved down the street, I heard Jamie’s whistling, and I noticed him leaning against a building, lurking in the shadows while singing his sad song.

“You alright?” I asked while walking by, and he quickly skipped to my side while hanging his head, and we continued to walk towards my neighborhood.

“Guess we have something in common,” he said, his tune sad—somewhat pathetic. “Relentless parents. The ol’ geezer never leaves me alone.”

“What did your father mean, anyway? If you don’t mind talking about it.”

“No. I don’t mind. Actually, I’ve been dying to tell you, but never wanted to bring up the subject cause I didn’t want to scare you away. I’m sure you’ve already figured out enough about me.”

“Yeah, go on.”

“So, my father, grandfather, and uncle own some bakeries. My grandfather on my father’s side originally came from the farmlands, emmigrating to Cedrus City when my father was only a child. They worked on establishing bakeries through their line of farming and—uh—yeah complicated family affairs. My mother kind of comes from a upper class family, they work in the financial regimen. Yeah, she and my dad married and her parents weren’t so happy about that.”

“Why not?”

“Oh, just bullsh—I mean, stupid stuff. My mother’s family have extensive power—poshy and high class, if you will. All about that regimen society.”

“The regimen? Like, where they collect the taxes?”

“Mmhmm. Something of the sort. I don’t know all the details—never cared to pay attention—hated any type of accounting instructions both sides pushed onto me. But, anyway, they’re pretty upper class and, yeah, as just a lowly baker family from the farmlands, my parent’s families don’t get along. The grandparents have one idea for Lara and I, my parents and grandfather another concept. Back and forth, blah blah, they never stop jabbering about what’s best or where we belong—naturally, my parents put both of us into the family business. Lara works well for the uncle, where I worked within my father’s establishment, although he works more in the accounting field of it all. But, I kept arguing all day—yeah, basically kicked out, then worked for my uncle as the accountant. Even worse of an experience. Apparently I’m really bad with numbers.”

I quietly laughed, and Jamie pouted his lips, but his tune was no longer one of self-pity, but rather honest and more serious than I had ever seen him before.

“So, why not work for your other grandparents on your mother’s side? You seem to fit in better with high-society anyway.”

“Yeah, I may be a sucker for delicacies of pleasures, but their field of work is truly a test of endurance of one’s authenticity. Did you forget that I’m terrible with numbers and cannot read and desire to have nothing but fun? Nah, they’re a bunch of snobs, and I’d prefer for them to simply spoil me rather than be subject to their tyranny.”

“So…with the mine?”

“So! I decided to just mess with both sides and work in the mines. I thought about returning to the farmlands, but I’m pretty close with Lara. Don’t want to leave her behind.”

“Are you sure it’s not because you don’t like hard labor?” Jamie released a squealing laugh and he began adjusting the sleeves of his purple, silk tunic.

“Oh, it’s definitely because of that too, but my love for Lara is stronger than my hate for slave-labor and getting my fingernails dirty. She’s much more tolerable of the family drama—she’s all I got.” Jamie glanced at me as I smiled at the thought. I admired their familial bond, feeling jealous of their sibling friendship. Yet, thought of the idea of having my own sibling would probably only cause further conflict with my parents with how they would intentionally try to force us siblings apart.

“Well, that and my extensive wardrobe that no farmer would appreciate,” he added with a flick of his wrist as he examined his folded work of his long sleeves.

“I’m glad you at least have Lara,” I said, ignoring his added comment. “Amongst the family conflict, it’s good to see you both getting along.”

“Yeah, wasn’t always like that,” Jamie said. “But, now that I’ve made my own way and deserted the family businesses in order to get some sort of freedom, she’s been a lot more supportive. Surprisingly. Heh. Sisters—whatcha gonna do?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Say, you haven’t gotten any family besides your ol’ folks, yeah?”

“Yup. Just us. Apparently their parents died before I was born. But, at least we got a house.” A cold wind gushed through the streets after we turned a corner, and my cloak flew dramatically into my face, causing me to frantically pull at the ratty ends, and Jamie quickly helped.

“Jeesh, you need a new cloak—this thing will shred with another burst of—“

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” I quickly moved down the street, grumbling as I attempted to smooth out the old cloak, and then my hair.

“Hey, thanks for listening to me ramble. It helps to share with someone who actually cares about my problems. Your ol’ man seems to only nod off, and Thabias, well, that guy doesn’t know anything.”

“Yeah, you’re wasting your breath if you’re looking for any sort of encouragement from them. I don’t know why you bother to smoke with them if they’re such dull company.”

“Well, they’re easy to be around, plus your father is generous with herbs. And, maybe they’re not the only ones I prefer to see.” I gave a side glance, and Jamie’s blue eyes darted away as we paused in front of the cob stairs leading up to my house. I felt my heart race for a moment, afraid what Jamie would say next, but, his smile grew to one of only tomfoolery, and he whispered while placing a cupped hand around his mouth. “Your mom is an excellent conversationist.”

I smacked his arm, causing him to only foolishly laugh, and he scampered up the stairs while I followed closely behind, laughing as well.

“So, Jamie, you finally have come,” my father said as he bobbed his head as we calmed our laughter, and Jamie whipped out his pipe from his pocket, and began the ritual of taking pleasure in other people’s generosity.

“Stay with us, won’t you?” Jamie asked as he looked over at me while preparing his pipe on the small table. “Tell us a story, I’m sure you’ve got something epic to retell. Tell us where you go on the full moon, or, better yet, tell us all about your secrets, you magical nymph of the forest.” I glanced at my father and Thabias who were sleepily enjoying their relaxing pleasure, too engrossed with their leisure to retort. Jamie then leaned up against the railing, anticipating my answer while taking a drag of his freshly lit pipe.

“Ah, I don’t think I’m good at telling stories,” I said while leaning up against the railing next to Jamie who was being more serious than ever before—more enjoyable to be around, filling an empty void I tried ignoring.

“Sure you are—at least, we’ll never know unless you try,” Jamie said as he inched closer to me.

“Mmmm,” my father grunted. I glanced over my shoulder, away from the men’s anticipating gaze, for even Thabias’ pointed ears slightly perked. My eyes followed the area around us. The towering buildings, the intricate branches from the cedar trees. I thought about the stories I heard from others. I thought about the books I read with Historia. I thought about the forest and the seemingly moving spirits through the trees, the lurking eyes, the wolves, ravens—anything that I thought was inspiring for me. I thought about Sable and his mysterious life on the mountain. I wanted to tell them all about such things, but I was afraid to reveal too much, or tell stories beyond their understanding. But, as the relaxing herbs pacified the men, I saw a glimmer of opportunity to share something different than what they expected—perhaps a window into my soul in which I desperately wished others could peer through.

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As the howl of the wolves sang their song to the moon

And the feathers of the raven glided around

Alone stood a man carrying the weight of unbearable burden

Yet, he endured such mass with strength unbound

In pursuance of something greater than himself

With mysteries surrounded and darkness overwhelming

He persevered through trials beyond endurance

And found himself to embrace the un-bearing

Oh, little notice of those take of him

How often he wished to be sought by others

One to break such agonizing fates

But all he had were the raven’s feathers

However, underneath the glow of the full moon

Once a month, he became full of wonder

Resounding with the howl of the wolves

He was as as powerful as thunder

All the man needed to know, hence to show

Was the faithful stance of self inheritance

Pride and wonder wasn’t enough

But love and desire was, perchance

I glanced over at my father. His face looked solemn, and Thabias had completely lowered his head, resting his arms on his legs. Then, I looked over at Jamie who was hanging onto every word, his mouth slightly open. Slowly, he turned to face me, releasing a smoke, but not of his pipe, but of the winter air causing his breath to turn cold.

“So—you are good at telling stories. That was rather beautiful. You should write that one down.”

***

Returning to The Old Bowl to celebrate my birthday caused me to nearly make every mistake possible during the working hours, and scamper home like a wild turkey running away from hunters. I changed into clean clothes, attempting to look my best, and headed straight to the tavern after only telling my parents that I was going out with friends.

As promised, Lara invited others to join, and made me feel ever so happy as she ordered mead for our group, piles of different finger-foods, and brought special little cakes she had made at the bakery. David and Mira from the mine joined us, and, naturally, Jamie, and the musical group played loudly, while others in the tavern also took part in simple pleasures of evening antics.

“I have something for you,” Jamie whispered in my ear well after another round of drinks and the food was nearly all gone, and Lara was happily chatting with several people who perchance knew her and were talking loudly while leaning over the table.

“What?” I mumbled, feeling tipsy and excited, but paying attention to Lara’s conversation, and the music being played in the corner of the room.

“I said I have something for you!” His nose pushed against my ear, and I jolted my head away while Lara suddenly grabbed my arm, stating that they were all going to go dance, and she dragged me away before I could find out what Jamie wanted to give me. Giggling, we weaved through the rowdy crowd that all anticipated the art of dancing, and Lara waltzed right up to the bard, asking for a celebration song.

“Finally, something worth playing music for,” the musician said after being told it was my birthday. She tapped the edge of her lute, spun around, then began belting a new song, and Lara directed me into a dance. As usual, I stumbled from the new experience, but Lara ever so kindly directed me as she sang along, and others joined our dance in the middle of the tavern as the rest began clapping.

Whence upon the shoulders they cried

Yet endured the breaks of gladness tied

Ho! Ho! The drinks will flow!

Ho! Ho! The bellows blow!

Come forth, ye who falter!

Come forth, ye who cry!

For today’s the day for upheavals of jitters

And down the drains for all things that glitter

Ho! Ho! The drinks will flow!

Ho! Ho! The bellows blow!

“Thank you everyone!” the bard shouted as she finished her song. “Be sure to give our guest of honor Lillie a round of birthday cheer!” I felt multiple hands slap my back and shoulders as people congratulated me. Others clinked their cups together, excusing themselves for another round of drinks.

“And, of course, don’t forget to offer some Den to your humble bard!” the musician declared and bowed lowly as Lara and I tossed coins in the upturned hat sitting on the ground.

“You’re a person of notability tonight, aren’t ya?” I heard Jamie say as he came from behind me, placing his hand on the small of my back.

“Well, it is her birthday, you dunce,” Lara said as she smoothed back her hair, and flicked beads of sweat from her hands.

“You’re right, now,” Jamie began, and he pulled me closer to his side as he flicked his wrist in the air towards the bard. “Another!” he shouted and she strummed her lute and began to play her next song while Jamie took the opportunity to dance with me.

Bah! Bah! Bah!

What hiatus one endures!

Bah! Bah! Bah!

What creation one observes!

Here she lies

There she goes

How can one hold her down?

Oh!

Up and around they flow

Down and to the path they mow

To and fro they grow

And soon into the ground go

Bah! Bah! Bah!

He twirled me while singing, and I felt my hair swirl behind, and then he wrapped his arm around my waist, and suddenly paused as the noise of cheerful singers and dancers began to fade. His eyes slowly blinked, and that sudden hesitation of being close to Jamie caused me to push him away. The void in my heart no longer bothered me to be filled—not by him, at least.

The crowd around the middle was difficult to escape into, but I weaved through, leaving the siblings behind, and ventured to our table that had been cleared away. My head swirled, my stomach lurched, and I panted heavily as I reached for my cloak and decided I had enough fun for one night.

David and Mira walked by, holding hands, and they congratulated me on making it another year, and then passed through, obviously heading upstairs to a rented room. But, Lara and Jamie returned, noticing my desire to leave, and Jamie, naturally, offered to walk me home, while Lara was far from ready to leave.

“Too much energy flowing through me!” she declared, and happily received another’s offer to dance, and was swept out into the crowd once again. I left the tavern with Jamie, stepping into the stone street, and instantly felt relief as the cold air cooled my flushed cheeks.

“It’s a full moon tomorrow,” Jamie said while looking up above. “You won’t be at work, I’m assuming.”

“Correct,” I said quietly, as my heart began to ache.

“I’m sure you’ve got lots of plans for tomorrow, yeah?” he said. “What do you do on the full moon? I thought you’d just stay home and cry, since most women do that during Menses. Well, at least my mom does. But, you? You’re always gone. Where do you go?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” I teased, and Jamie sighed, mumbling about one day finding out all about my secrets.

“Oh, I have something for you,” Jamie said, snapping out of his pouting, and he skipped in front of me, stopping me from walking any further.

“Okay, you really didn’t need to,” I said, unfamiliar with receiving gifts for my birthday. “It’s not that important.” Jamie ignored me, and pulled out a brown sack from a satchel he carried and he handed me the item that was wrapped in a shimmering ribbon.

“Open it up,” he said, his eyes darting.

“Right now?” I asked, sensing a rise of heat to my cheeks and the racing of my heart.

“Yeah, of course, right now,” he mocked. “Come on, open it up.” A shiver went down my spine as I carefully opened the sack, reaching in to grab something soft, and I pulled out a beautiful green cloak.

“Oh!” I gasped as the brown sack fell from my hand and I shook out the woolen cloak that was a dark green color, like one of emeralds, and with a wide hood. I had never seen anything so beautiful, and blinked dramatically as I stared upon the silver clasps that looked more expensive than anything I’ve ever owned.

“Isn’t it gorgeous?” Jamie asked. “Now, try it on.” He quickly grabbed it, and motioned with his hand for me to remove my old cloak, then he swung the woolen cloak around my shoulders, and adjusted the silver clasps and dusted my shoulders. The cold temperature of the winter air no longer penetrated through my clothes, and the unfamiliar smells of a new item caused me to move my hand around the material.

“Thank you,” I said, and tears began to well in my eyes. “I don’t know how—I don’t know why.”

“It’s from Lara and I—happy birthday, my dear,” Jamie said, then held my old cloak. “Time to make this one into a dirt rag, yeah?”

“Jamie, I—I don’t know.”

“What do you mean? It’s a gift. No take-backs. No trades. Just acceptance, alright?” Jamie’s blue eyes softened and he moved his hand onto my arm over my cloak, and he gently squeezed, causing the flood of emotions to only further the trembling sensation overtaking my soul.

As I took a step back, mumbling another thank you, he tightened his grip on my arm, then pulled me into a hug while nudging his face against my ear.

“You’re welcome,” he whispered softly, sending another uncomfortable sensation down my spine. I pushed away, and he finally let go. “What? Can’t I give you a hug? Are you so against your friend’s affection?”

“It’s just,” I mumbled while lowering my head. “I’m sorry, Jamie. But, I—I need to go home.”

“Yeah, whatever,” he grumbled, and we began to walk to my home once again. Jamie talked quietly about the songs we heard, and the different dances one must do according to each song. But, he avoided my eyes, and, after arriving at my house, he simply said goodbye, and did not stay another moment longer, not even for a puff of smoke, nor did he attempt to give me another hug.

The next day, I slept late, but woke up with a pounding headache, feeling as if I hadn’t slept a wink, for I tossed and turned all night, waking in cold sweat, and dreamt about the emerald green cloak lingering over a fire, ready to be consumed by its destructive flames.

I had escaped a lecture from my parents, celebrated with friends for my birthday, and received a beautiful gift that fulfilled a desperate need—so, why did I feel so horrible?

Why can’t I just be happy with my life?

I dragged myself out of my bed in the late morning, long after my parents had left the house, and prepared myself food while moping around at the concept that I would spend the full moon crying at home—like most women, as Jamie so eloquently put it.

Unwilling to accept such an event, I decided to still make the most of my day, and buried my conflicting emotions, and readied myself and, finally, left the house.

I moved through the city feeling slightly better as the new cloak kept me exceptionally warm, and people seemed to admire my new attire. I received several compliments, and people treated me more respectfully.

Huh—maybe this is why Jamie keeps himself well dressed.

I went to visit the bakery to give my thanks to Lara, but quickly returned instead to her house on accounts that she was not working. Upon arrival to her home, Bari, the mother, greeted me, and invited me in. As I followed the kind woman into the kitchen where Lara was pulling apart husks of corn, my friend gasped as I entered, instantly demanding for me to twirl for a better inspection.

“Yes, I really love it, and wanted to stop by and tell you thank you, especially for last night,” I said after twirling.

“Oh, I’m so glad it fits you perfectly,” Lara chimed as she and Bari both awed at the new cloak. “Jamie really does know his stuff.”

“And you, too,” I said, emphasizing her contribution to the gift. Lara laughed, and Bari sat down at the table to husk the corn.

“Oh, I just gave Jamie money. He’s the one who did everything to get that cloak for you. He is such a sweetie. Came home the other day saying he knew exactly what to get you for your birthday. Couldn’t stop rambling about it for days. Spent hours at the tailor shop with my grandparents. Caused quite the stir, actually, but never mind that.” Lara grabbed the cloak to look at it closer, drifting her fingers along the edges and commented about the silver clasps that were shiner than the silver spoons at her grandparents. I felt a heaviness in my chest the further Lara spoke, and I lowered my eyes, causing Lara to then lift my chin with her finger.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, obviously noticing my change of demeanor. “Don’t you like it?”

“Of—of course,” I stuttered. “It’s beautiful. I just didn’t sleep well last night.”

“What’s wrong? Drink too much?” Lara chuckled as she placed both hands upon her wide hips. “Maybe I’m turning into a bad influence.”

“No—it’s just.” I hung my head, hiding the tears welling in my eyes, and Lara grabbed my wrist, and led me to her room, asking for me to join her somewhere more private.

“Okay,” she said intently after closing the door of her room. “What’s going on? You can tell me anything. Did something happen after the party? Did—uh, Jamie say something?” I shrugged, and bobbed my head, finding it difficult to speak at that moment.

“What did he do?” Lara asked, her voice sounding intense.

“Nothing,” I said while shaking my head. “It’s not like that. I—I just feel guilty for accepting a gift from you both—from him.”

“Oh,” she said with a laugh, then sat upon the cushion of her bed while she directed me next to her. “Is that it? Feeling guilty because you feel like you can’t accept a gift from someone who actually cares about you?”

“What? No—I don’t think it’s that.”

“Really? Or, maybe you’ve got young love on your mind and it’s making you feel queasy in the stomach, eh?”

“What? Lara, no. Stop joking around.”

“I’m not. Oh, come on. Obviously Jamie cares about you a lot. I mean—a lot.”

“Yeah, that’s the problem.” I stood up from the bed, and crossed my arms, feeling my jaw tense as Lara only scoffed.

“I don’t see that as a problem. Jamie is a good man. I don’t see why you’re against being loved by someone—by him. You two will make a great pair. You get along really well, too, you know? Why not allow yourself to accept his love?”

Accept Jamie’s love? Is that what this feeling is?

“It’s a problem for me!” I shouted. “Because I don’t feel the same way!”

“Hey, no need to shout,” Lara said as she casually leaned back on her bed. “It’s okay Lillie. I know you. You’re skeptical of people. You’re usually the one giving to others. I know it’s hard for you to accept from others, especially when they genuinely love you.”

“That’s not—“

“That is exactly the problem. Look at yourself. You’re wearing a beautiful cloak given to you by your best friends, and you can’t even sleep right. It was your birthday, and you can barely accept being celebrated. You leave your party early, you feel guilty for anything that is good for you. And, now, you can’t even wake up and realize how much Jamie cares about you without getting all hyped up.”

“That’s not true!”

“Oh, really? Then why can’t you just accept that it’s okay for you to love Jamie back?”

“Because I don’t love him. I don’t want him to get his feelings hurt. It’s not fair to him.”

“No, it’s not fair to you to keep yourself from being loved.” Lara crossed her arms as she jolted her face away, calmly sitting on her bed while I trembled standing next to the edge of the cushion. I hated arguing, and didn’t desire to have this conversation, but I was in no mood for anyone to force their concepts of deeper love—especially when I did not feel the same way—it was really unfair to Jamie, and to myself.

“I am not doing that, for I do not fear being loved,” I said. “But, I do not want to hurt Jamie, for I do not feel the same—we are only friends.”

“That’s nonsense,” she said coldly. “You’re obviously delusional about your true feelings for my brother.”

Me? Delusional?

Her words pierced through my heart, a bead of sweat dripped down my face as I feared the fire raging deep within my soul would erupt upon her if I stayed any longer. I couldn’t stand her lack of empathy, and I stomped away, stopping at the closed door with my shaking hand upon the handle.

“I don’t want to argue,” I said, calming my voice, and steadying my breathing. “I don’t want Jamie to get hurt. I do not feel the same about him, despite if you believe me or not. He is my friend—that’s it and all it will ever be.”

“Why?” Lara sneered. “Is there someone else?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “Why should my current feelings be dependent on another person’s existence in my life? Why not grant me the least bit of dignity to have autonomy over my own emotions?”

“Oh, Lillie,” she scoffed. “You’re young and don’t know what’s best for yourself. I’m sure you’ll get over this angst, and come to your senses.”

The anger festering in my heart drove me to exit her room and rush out of the house before I said anything I would regret. I didn’t want to listen to Lara and her refusal to acknowledge my true feelings. I was afraid to run into Jamie, or their other family members. I was afraid of turning into a boiling kettle spilling scalding water on anyone who got in my way.

I knew the pain of being hurt by someone who was angry and I didn’t want to do the same, not to the kind people I was suddenly afraid would no longer accept me now that I was refusing to reciprocate a mutual love.

Afraid to face whatever aftermath would happen, I traveled through the city, towards the abandoned exiting archway, and followed the trail that led all the way to the meadow. I stepped through patches of snow in the forest, but upon entering the meadow, it was completely covered in a blanket of snow, and I grew even more thankful for the cloak, regardless of its emotional turmoil.

I stood on the edge of the cliffside, and my eyes wandered the vast valley below, following the glistening icy waters of the frozen river weaving throughout the land. I gazed at the massive mountain range, looking at the white peaks. Everything was white, glistening in the rare winter sun. I turned around to face the forest. Behind the cedar trees sat the massive mountain of Hira. Rarely could I ever see it to its full extent. Often covered in thick clouds, at that moment, for a brief time, the clouds were clear and I could see the cliff edges clearly, the steep ridges rising high above into the sky.

Sable is up there, somewhere. And I’m here, freezing and feeling numb.

I looked down at the forest. The trees were strong in their red bark, and dark green needles covering the canopy were covered in sheets of snow. The wind blew through my hair, the small beads clinked together as I shivered from the icy air. I lifted my hood over my head, which helped keep the cold from piercing my inner ear. How much longer could I continue? How much longer could I numb myself to my true emotions? Was Lara right? Was I conflicted with guilt because I couldn’t accept other people’s love and kindness? Was that my deepest fear?

But, I don’t love Jamie. I don’t mind him as a friend, but I—

Suddenly, Sable’s face flashed in my mind. His black hair bounced as my mind fantasized him gliding down the mountain to greet me. I pictured his crimson eyes softening as he said something kind. I thought about him bringing me fish on our last day. I had just given it away, unwilling to accept it as a gift for myself. I looked down at my new cloak. Was I truly unable to accept other people’s kindness? Did I feel guilty because I didn’t believe I deserved anything from anyone?

“What is wrong with me?” I shouted out loud. Some birds flew overhead from the trees nearby. I whipped around, and stared beyond the cliff again. I screamed, raising my hands over my head. I continued to yell until my throat became hoarse, and tears streamed down my face. I fell onto my knees, and slammed my closed fists onto the frozen ground. My screams died down, and I cried until there were no tears left, and my hands and legs became senseless from the cold.

The desire to feel warm overwhelmed my mind as numbness overtook my body. I wanted to hear Sable’s steady heartbeat against my ear, to hear his heavy breathing, and to watch him discover the world around him. He was the one who I truly wished to be with.

But, alas, my aching heart knew that my wishes often never came true.