Twenty-nine

Nova is dead.

The night was short. I barely got two hours of sleep, and when I woke up, that's the first thing I was told.

Apparently, she was found dead in an alley. Murdered.

I'm not sad, but this was definitely unexpected. Especially right now, with everything going on. I almost forgot about Nova.

Right now, what is preoccupying me is Brandon. He's nowhere to be found.

I go to the cafeteria and walk by the agent who told me the news this morning.

"Hey, have you seen Agent Haynes?" I ask the young man, who blinks at me in surprise.

"Yeah... last time I saw him, he was sitting in the hallway, close to the dorms." He pauses, giving me a look. "Your dorm."

Shit.

I give the agent a nod and he returns it before walking away.

I actually feel nervous when I get closer to my room. I don't know what's Brandon's state right now, and since our relationship is kind of rocky at the moment, I don't want to give in to what he wants from me just because he doesn't feel good.

His ex-girlfriend is dead. He needs someone. Just be there for him, Sophia.

I stop in my track a few meters away. Brandon is indeed sitting there, just in front of my dorm, his eyes closed and his head leaned against the wall.

I swallow. It makes me think of myself, a few days after his death.

Getting closer, I clear my throat before kneeling down beside him.

"Hey," I say carefully, not knowing how he'll react.

Brandon slowly opens his eyes but doesn't look at me. He just stares ahead. I wouldn't say he looks sad, but he doesn't look good either. His face is just... blank of emotions.

I turn and sit next to him. My shoulder accidentally brushes his, and I feel him tense.

Good job, Sophia. Jesus.

Should I just stay silent or say sorry? Staying silent would lead us to nowhere, and saying sorry when you don't actually feel it wouldn't help either. Saying sorry doesn't mean anything, anyway. It won't bring anyone back.

I heard so many people saying sorry when Brandon supposedly died. I wanted to scream every time.

So instead, I say something else that might not be the best thing to say, but at least I'm not just walking away from him. He hasn't pushed me away, yet.

I don't know how he does that. I pushed him away so many time. I pushed everyone away when he was gone. I couldn't endure anybody.

"Maybe... maybe she's not dead," I slowly declare in a low voice, glancing at his face.

He narrows his eyes and turns his face toward mine. I don't flinch at his glare.

"Sorry," I continue calmly, "but you weren't dead. So maybe she's alive. If there's one thing I learned, after all, is that dead people aren't always dead."

When he just stares at me, I look away and bite the inside of my cheek. After a moment, I feel him sighing. It's a deep sigh as if he's relieved of something, and I feel his shoulders relaxing as he slightly turns his body towards mine.

I finally decide to say it. Sorry. Not because I feel bad for Nova's death, though.

"I'm sorry," I murmur, staring at the wall in front of us.

He scoffs. "Sophia... you don't really feel sorry."

I turn my head towards him and for the first time in a while, I give him a small smile that doesn't feel forced. However, it's not a happy smile.

"I really am. Don't forget that I know what it's like to lose someone you love."

His gaze instantly softens. I shrug and look away.

"So yeah. I might not have liked her at all, and I might not feel sorry for her death, but I know what you're feeling right now." I look down at my hands. "I'm sorry you had to lose somebody."

He doesn't reply right away. A minute must pass before his hand finds mine, and I glance up at him as he intertwines our fingers.

"Like I said already, you didn't lose me. And you won't. Not now, not ever." He sighs. He looks tired as hell.

I don't look away from our hands. He keeps staring at the wall.

"You're wrong, by the way. You don't actually know what I'm feeling right now," he speaks up, his voice soft, and I wait for him to continue.

"Things were harsh between us last time I saw her. But I didn't want her to die." He shakes his head, closing his eyes. "She wasn't our enemy."

An agent walks down the hallway, and noticing us, awkwardly walks into her room, leaving us alone again.

"I can't help but think this is my fault," Brandon adds then, opening his eyes. "Even if I broke up with her, I shouldn't have just let her go and not think about where she could be."

He sighs again. I squeeze his hand.

"The thing is, I'm just... shocked. I don't feel anything. I don't feel pain or sadness." His eyes meet mine, and although he just said he doesn't feel pain, I see it. I can easily tell when someone's in pain, after experimenting it quite a few times. Then I learned how to hide the pain and how to anesthetize it.

"The only thing I feel is guilt right now. Guilty for what happened to her, but also..." Pausing, he leans his forehead against mine. I'm too late to move away. "Guilty because the only thing I can think of is if it would have been you."

I take a deep breath and hold it. Brandon leans away but keeps his hold on my hand... and on my damn heart.

"I wouldn't have been able to live this again. All that shit. The pain. The nightmares. Just... I can't lose you."

I wish I could tell him that I feel the same. That I can't lose him, hence why I have to stay away from him, or the pain will be too much I'm not sure I'll be able to survive it a second time.

But I don't tell him anything and keep my mouth shut. Nova is the one who's dead, and we're talking about me. This is wrong.

After a moment, the soft sound of a bell reverberates throughout the whole agency.

It's time. I glance at Brandon.

"Time to pay tribute to Nova," I announce, and resist the urge to cringe because I can't believe I'm saying this.

"God, I've never thought I would say that," I mutter under my breath for myself, getting up and releasing Brandon's hand. "It's actually painful."

Maybe he heard or maybe he prefers to ignore my statement. He just sighs and runs his hands through his hair.

"Do I have to change?" he asks, and I take a look at his messy hair, his long-sleeve shirt that he's wearing since yesterday, and the jeans with holes in them.

"You do look like shit, but it's up to you," I reply, shrugging a shoulder.

To my surprise, he smiles a little. "You know how to make me feel better, sweetheart."

"Well, I was serious—"

He stands up and gives me a look. "Don't go too far, now."

I shake my head, kind of amused. Then I remember about Nova and get serious again.

"Come on, I need to change as well," I declare and walk into my dorm.

Brandon tells me that he'll be back, and he leaves in his own dorm to get new clothes to change in. I cross my arms in front of my dresser. I'm in no mood for a dress. Thankfully, everything I own is pretty much black, and I find a black jumpsuit that will be fine enough.

I'm in the process of putting it on when the door opens.

Whirling around, I nearly lose balance. I let out a strangled sound as I notice Brandon.

He notices me as well. I'm nearly fucking naked.

"Jesus, Brandon! Can't you knock?" I grumble, turning away from him and quickly getting dressed.

"Sorry," he murmurs with no conviction.

When I turn to glare at him, he's not smiling or amused. He's just looking at me, his eyes traveling down my body with a tired expression. Let's say he doesn't look down at all to pay tribute to his ex-girlfriend.

Repressing a sigh, I grab my heels and sit on a chair. Brandon leans against the wall and watches me as I put them on.

I run my hands through my hair and grimace. I need to take a shower.

"That'll be enough, I guess," I mutter.

"You're enough, indeed," Brandon murmurs back and my eyes widen when I realize he heard.

I turn towards him. He put some gel in his hair and changed his clothes for a pair of pants and a black shirt, the buttons barely buttoned. I don't make any comments, but he's definitely waiting for me to say something.

"Button up your shirt, sweetheart," I say, trying to lighten the mood. "You're showing too much skin."

And abs.

He tilts his head, not looking away from me, but ends up doing it. Again, not looking away.

"Better?" he says after he's done, putting his hands in his pockets.

"Hmm."

I walk past him and open the door. He follows me and we leave, a few agents doing the same thing behind us.

"Ready?" Brandon says, looking ahead.

"Are you?" I reply, not looking at him.

His hand finds mine.

*

"I've never thought this day would come" is the first thing Britt said when she saw me. Then, she saw Brandon and gave him an awkward smile and a hug.

She knows better than to say sorry. The other agents don't know what to do or what to say either since they know that Brandon had broken up with her just before she dies, or maybe just because they didn't like her as well.

Awkward. This whole thing is.

Even Mr. Neil doesn't know how to act. She was an agent at the North Agency, so doing this thing right now is something we must do. But we rarely lose agents. They get hurt, but not killed. Especially not murdered in an alley, but we didn't worry about where she could be.

I know Mr. Neil regrets his behavior for this. With everything going on, with me disappearing, he made a choice. He decided to find me first, and then it was too late for Nova.

When I think about this, I do feel bad. But then I remember she probably wouldn't have felt bad, and if she was arguing with Brandon because he wanted to find me, she doesn't deserve my pity.

Maybe she doesn't deserve what we're doing for her right now, or maybe she does. I can't decide that, because I wouldn't even consider that I deserve something like that if I ever die.

"Well, it's depressing," Andrew states, looking around him.

"It's supposed to be a happy event?" I deadpan.

He raises his eyebrows at me. "You tell me."

I repress a groan. Even myself wouldn't go so far as throwing a party because Nova is dead. I couldn't do that to Brandon.

Speaking of him, he looks like he's about to either punch someone or punch himself. His jaw is clenched since the past twenty minutes, and every time a few agents come by and tell him how sorry they are that his girlfriend—then they glance at me and correct themselves— ex-girlfriend is dead, Brandon takes a deep breath and either stares at them without saying anything or makes the effort to nod.

Some say Nova Miller was a good agent, others say that she could be a bitch. Some say that she was a good agent and a bitch. Or even that she wasn't a good agent, and that they didn't know her that well because she didn't talk to them.

Andrew is right, after all. A few of us are here for someone we either didn't like or didn't know that well. However, Brandon did care about her. He loved her, too. So even if he pretends that this whole thing doesn't make him feel anything, I know it's a lie.

He can't just feel pain because he imagines me in her position.

That's... no. I can't think of that right now.

An hour later, Brandon can't take it anymore.

I glance at him in worry. "You good?"

Gritting his teeth, he shakes his head. He's paler than usual.

"Okay, I think it's over anyway." I grab his hand and yawn. "We should just go to sleep."

Brandon nods and almost yanks me out of the room. When we are alone and far enough, he lets out a deep breath. We walk silently to the dorm rooms. It's really not late, but after the night we had—and the shitty day—we're just exhausted.

When we reach my room, I expect Brandon to let go of my hand and leave. But he only tightens his grip, making me look up at him in confusion.

"I just want to hold you," he murmurs.

Shit.

I open my mouth, not knowing what to say. "Brandon..."

"Please. Nothing more." His eyes are pleading me, and before I know it, I'm nodding my head.

Relief fills his eyes, and then he starts to walk away with my hand in his, and I realize we're going to his own room.

He lets go of my hand to open the door and steps away for me to enter. Nervously, I do.

I don't know what I expected. To see some of Nova's stuff everywhere? To find myself in a different room than before?

But everything is familiar. Nothing really has changed. Almost everything is black or dark blue. The walls, the bed, the small desk, the dresser...

Four years later and everything is still the same. Everything but us.

I turn towards Brandon. And almost regret it when I see him. He's taking his shirt off, slowly unbuttoning it. Then it's his pants, as slowly as before. His eyes are sad, and it makes me feel weird because I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know why he's sad.

Because of Nova?

Probably. But there's something else.

I focus my eyes on his face when he's half naked. I only realize now that he should shave, but at the same time, the beard is quite hot on him.

Fucking shit. Focusing on his face doesn't help.

His eyes meet mine.

"May I?" he whispers, placing a hand on my shoulder, and I blink in surprise.

I swallow, nodding. To my surprise, he gets on his knees, and start taking my heels off. He undoes the straps and gives me his hand to help me. When I'm barefoot, he stands up again. Brandon looks me in the eyes to see if he has my approbation before turning me around.

His hand slides under my shoulder strap and eases the material down. There's nothing sexual. It's just gentle and... affectional.

He does the same for both of my shoulders and I finish the work, letting the jumpsuit fall to my feet. I'm only wearing my bra and underwear now.

This was a bad idea.

Brandon doesn't make any comment and hands me a gray t-shirt of his, not saying anything. I put the garment on, which reaches my thighs. I then turn around to face him.

Without saying anything, he holds out his hand for me to take. After a bit of hesitation, I take it, and our fingers intertwine naturally. Brandon brings me to the bed, and once we're settled, he wraps his arms around me and brings me closer to his chest.

Then, just then, he lets out a long sigh, his shoulders relaxing. And mine tense.

For a while, I can't comprehend what we're doing. I can't face this. It's all too reassuring, too familiar, too... good. And it shouldn't.

His body. His arms. His face in my hair.

I take slow breaths and my shoulders start to relax.

"I'm starting to understand why you want to stay away from me," he murmurs in my hair then, his grip tightening around me.

His words make me go stiff again. I swallow the lump in my throat and ignore how my heartbeat increases.

"Do you?" I ask softly, closing my eyes.

His lips brush my cheek. "Yeah. I think I do."

I don't know why it doesn't make me feel any better.

*

Me after writing the first sentence of the chapter:

But seriously, though. This chapter was damn hard to write and when I was writing that last part, I was just like whxiwbfiwbfowndoefnwldnsl.

😭 get married already.

*sighs* Okay. I really hope you liked this damn long chapter!

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