Thirty-three

A kiss on my forehead wakes me up.

I mutter under my breath, keeping my eyes closed. It feels like I haven't slept at all, which is most likely true. It was four in the morning when Brandon and I both fell asleep.

Brandon.

Memories resurface, and for the first time in years, a genuine smile makes its way to my lips. It feels... weird.

Then I remember what I'm about to do today and my body automatically tenses. I'm no longer tired, nor smiling.

I flutter my eyes open with difficulty and let out a sigh. Wincing, I wait for my eyes to get used to the light above me before I look to my side. The bed is empty.

Sitting up, I rub my eyes and hear the distinct sound of a shower. Brandon must be there, then.

My stomach drops. I could just leave, right now, without telling him goodbye. But I can't.

Not after last night. Not after I finally let my guards down.

But you shouldn't have, remember? That's bad.

But it's Brandon.

I cling the sheets around me and look around for my clothes. Not finding them, I shrug and pick up one of Brandon's random black t-shirt. It reaches my thighs.

I take a look at Brandon's phone. 7:30 AM.

The sound of the shower stops, and a minute later, Brandon walks out of the bathroom with just a pair of jeans on. He's drying his hair with his towel, still not looking at me. I notice he's shaved.

Once he drops his towel, his eyes fall on me. His lips form a genuine smile.

"Tired?" he asks, walking towards his dresser, his broad shoulders now facing me.

I mumble under my breath for a response and sit down on the bed. He picks up a long sleeve shirt and finishes getting dressed. Turning around again, he raises an eyebrow.

"Hmm?"

I just raise an eyebrow in return. I don't know how to act. It's like I'm sixteen again, damn it. Or maybe it's making me feel guilty to act normally because I know that I'm going to leave and do what he doesn't want me to do.

I'm going to lie. Again.

I shouldn't get attached for that reason. But I think it's already too late.

Brandon walks over to me and offers me his hand. Slowly, I grab it and he puts me on my two feet. He hooks my hands around his neck and places his own around my waist.

"Hi," he simply says, watching me with amused eyes. I narrow mine in doubt.

Okay... so it's not supposed to be awkward, I guess. Does he expect me to kiss him? Hug him? Say something?

What am I supposed to do?

"Hi," I conclude, tilting my head.

He chuckles. "Sweetheart, you don't have to do anything."

I blink. "Did I speak out loud?"

"No need." He taps my forehead. "I can hear your thoughts."

Trust me, you can't.

His lips slowly brush mine, but he doesn't kiss me. Brandon watches me carefully, waiting for any reaction of some sort. I blink twice, my lips parted, not saying anything.

"Do you regret last night?" His eyes hold mine, and he leans his forehead against me. "Do you ever regret... us?"

I automatically want to shake my head. I know that I could never lie to him about that and say that I regret us. If he'd asked me that question the first day he came back from the dead, my answer would have been very different. We've been through shit and I still haven't forgotten that night when I thought I lost him because of my stupidity. That night was my fault.

However, I don't regret us. I realize that now and admit it to myself. I can't lie and say that I don't feel anything for him.

But last night? I should regret it. And I do, truly, because of what I'm about to do today. But there's still a big part of me that obviously doesn't. A very, very, big part of me.

My feelings are confused. My brain is overwhelmed with everything happening, with everything I want to say and feel and do. For once, I would just like to tell the truth and let him see what I really feel every day, just like last night.

The thing is, that's not how I'm gonna survive. It'll never work that way. I've learned it the hard way; by losing him. I can't let myself lose focus ever again, especially if it means losing him.

We're gonna need to work that out together, but I can't deal with this right now. I can't let him come with me today. I can't let him risk his life again, even if he's done it a million times.

Am I selfish or selfless?

Brandon is still waiting for me to answer, and I shake my head to both questions, not saying more. I'm keeping some safe distance and he clearly notices it but doesn't seem bothered or surprised at all.

"If there's something I've learned about you is that you haven't let yourself care about anyone or love anybody for years. Or at least, you tried to not show it too much." He pauses, brushing some hair away from my face. "I'm not expecting anything from you. I'm not expecting you to kiss me all the time or tell me all about your feelings or give me a lot of attention when you're not like that. That's not why I fell in love with you."

My heart skips a beat.

"You're independent. I know that me coming into your life completely threw you off guard. We both experienced strong love at a young age. We're both fucked up and broken and..." He stops talking and shakes his head, letting out a chuckle. "I don't really know where I'm going with this."

I smile a little. He notices it and smiles back, bringing me closer to him.

"I guess what I want to say is... I won't always be the one to walk towards you because I don't want you to walk away. But I'm yours, sweetheart. I've always been. So if you want to touch me, touch me. If you want to kiss me, kiss me. If you want to hug, fucking hug me. But don't distance yourself from me because of your doubts. Talk to me."

I only stare at him, not able to reply.

What he says is mostly true. But if he senses that I'm distancing myself from him right now, it's because I don't want to break his heart even more with my betrayal, my lies, and everything. I don't want to break my own heart.

That's why I hate feelings. Or used to hate them.

I love-hate them.

He said to talk to him and what I'm about to do is lie. I'm the fucking worst, but that's for the best. Right? I'm protecting him—even if he can do that himself. I'm protecting myself—because that's something I can do without anyone. I must be able to.

With my fingertips, I trace the outline of his face. I try to take in everything. The scar on the side of his forehead, always hidden by his hair. The blue of his eyes, watching me with curiosity and amazement.

He's talked about our relationship as if today was a normal day. As if what happened yesterday, our conversation before our reconnection, just never happened. It makes me feel even worse, but I tell myself that this is okay. Because I'll end everything and once I come back, we'll be back together. We'll be able to... try this. I'll be able to let him know exactly what I feel.

I take a deep breath to prepare myself for what's coming, and I release it.

"I need to talk to Mr. Neil. Alone." I pause and watch his reaction, but his face doesn't really give anything away. He looks at me, his eyebrows slightly furrowed as if he's just thought about something. "Okay?"

Brandon finally nods, letting me go. He smiles a little, but I sense the doubts starting to invade his mind. However, I know Brandon trusts me. Which makes everything ten times more painful when he replies, "Okay."

Before he can think too much about this, I bring his head down and presses my lips to his. He kisses me back, both of his arms wrapping around my body again. I kiss him as if it's the last time.

Because we didn't have enough time, and who knows if we'll have more.

I don't want him to realize it. I break the kiss sooner than I would have wanted and keep my eyes closed just for a few more seconds before I walk away without looking back.

Time to fight back.

*

I honestly don't even know how I was able to write this chapter. I'm so busy and dying with everything I have to do. 😴

BUT I DID IT! I hope you enjoyed the chapter. ❤️

Please, let me know your thoughts and VOTE! ⭐️ You would make my day.

Follow me on IG if you'd like! mlleab_wattpad

I love you all. I'll try to write the next chapter as soon as I can, but the next few weeks are just gonna be crazy.

Until the next chapter! ❤️❤️

INSTAGRAM: authoraudreyb

WATTPAD: MlleAb

PINTEREST: MlleAb

EMAIL: [email protected]

DM ME FOR QUESTIONS OR JUST TO CHAT!

All are linked in bio! x