A Curse So Dark and Lonely: Chapter 34

I focus my thoughts on what I can control. Strategy. Tactics. Planning.

I block what I cannot.

Lilith.

She left before daybreak, but I did not sleep. I soaked in the bath for hours, sinking beneath the surface, holding my breath until my lungs screamed for release. I’ve drowned myself before, but I’ve never wanted it as badly as I did this morning. Every vision she showed me is locked in my thoughts, so vivid I could have lived through each tragedy.

I knew my people were suffering. I did not know how much, all at once. I wished for oblivion.

I came out of the bath ready to kill something. I am lucky Grey is so skilled.

Or maybe he’s the one with luck.

“Rhen.”

I blink. “What.”

Harper opens her mouth, then closes it, her lips forming a frown. I haven’t been able to meet her eyes all morning and now is no different. We’re in the General’s Library, my father’s strategy room, and I stand at the window, watching the people in the courtyard below.

“I asked if you were pleased,” says Harper. “People are showing up to volunteer. You can start building your own army.”

“Do you remember our discussion of regiments?” My voice sounds hollow and I am unsure how to fix that. I speak through it. “One regiment of Syhl Shallow’s army could eviscerate the people in the courtyard.”

“You just got them all fired up!” she says. “If you didn’t want them to form an army, why did you say all the ‘good of Emberfall’ stuff?”

“They were already ‘fired up,’ as you say.” I keep my eyes on the people shuffling into a line below. “I have no desire to incite a mob.

I merely gave them a rallying cry.”

“It’s a start,” she says.

I have nothing to say to that.

I wish I were back under the water, holding my breath, waiting for oblivion.

I wish I were back in the arena, swinging a sword.

Instead, I stand here, every muscle tight as a bowstring.

Eventually, Harper says, “Grey, what do you think?”

“I think it is good that the people are willing to fight.

That their loyalty has not waned. They seem to believe the royal family is in exile. Most have put aside their fear of the creature—of the castle itself—to come here. To fight for themselves and for Emberfall.” He pauses, and his voice gains the very barest edge. “They will need someone to lead them.”

Those words are a warning, of sorts. A reminder that I have a role to play here.

I’ve told Grey nothing of what happened with Lilith, but I am certain he’s guessed at some of it. I was not subtle in the arena this morning.

“Can you lead them?” Harper says, and I think she’s talking to me.

No, I think. I can only lead people to their death. Do you not see?

“I am not a general,” says Grey. “I am not even a soldier. The King’s Army and the Royal Guard did not train together.”

“Jamison was a soldier. A lieutenant, right?”

“He was.”

“I know he messed up at Silvermoon, but a lieutenant would be some kind of officer, right? Could you go talk to him and figure out a plan for what to do with all of these people once they’re divided up by skill?”

“Yes, my lady.” He leaves, the door softly falling closed behind him. He didn’t even wait for me to issue an order.

Or maybe he knew I needed her to give one.

Harper appears by my side at the window, leaving a good two feet of space between us.

“It was Lilith, wasn’t it?” she says quietly.

I jerk at the mention of her name, and Harper looks over at me with alarm.

“I wasn’t sure if she was what had you so upset,” she says, “but I haven’t heard you talk about anyone else who has the power to throw you off your game like this.”

“She is quite skilled at finding any weakness,” I say.

“So she came back. Last night.”

“Yes.” I brace myself for her to ask what was done, or to ask why I did not invite her to my chambers for another session of bargaining. The very thought turns my stomach.

But Harper says nothing. She stands beside me and breathes, much the same way we stood together at the cliff at Silvermoon. So much changed overnight. On so many levels.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she says.

“No.”

We watch the people in the courtyard for a while. I’m surprised at the variety of volunteers. A boy who can’t be more than six stands in line. He stares at the castle in wonder, then pokes an older boy beside him—a brother, possibly. I think of young Jared being eviscerated in front of me and snap my eyes away. An older woman leans against a cane farther down, reminding me of a village elder who lay impaled by a Syhl Shallow spear in another vision. Emerging from the woods, more people stream toward the courtyard.

One young woman seems familiar, and it takes me a moment to place her.

Zo. The musician’s apprentice. She is small in stature, but instead of a gown, today she wears breeches and boots, a bow strapped to her back and a dagger at her hip. A huntress, perhaps.

Interesting. I wonder if Grey will turn her away.

He should turn them all away.

I turn from the window and move back to the strategy table, dropping into the second chair—not the first, where my father would always sit. Maps are spread across the surface from whatever meeting my father would have had with his advisers during the first season. I no longer remember. This is not a room I visit often.

Harper drifts from the window as well. “This is like a big game of Risk,” she says, coming to survey the largest map, pinned down in the center of the table. The northern lands, showing the mountain range bordering Syhl Shallow.

“Risk?” I echo.

“It’s a war strategy game.” Harper picks up a small iron figurine. “You even have the little men.”

I give a short laugh, though I feel no humor. “To live in a world where war strategy is a game.”

“Hey.” Her eyes pierce me. “You know my life isn’t sunshine and roses either.”

I nod, conceding. “As you say.”

“Show me how it works.”

I hesitate, not wanting to think about the impending doom of my people to such an extent that I would map it out, but Harper is watching me expectantly.

I sigh and rise from the chair, gathering a dozen of the iron pieces into my hands. “Syhl Shallow is here,” I say, placing six horse-and-rider figurines along the mountain range. “Jamison said there was a battle at Willminton, and his regiment was destroyed, which means I can assume Karis Luran’s soldiers control access through the mountain pass.”

“How wide is the mountain pass?”

she says. “Could we set up an ambush or something?”

I glance up, impressed. “We could—but they likely control enough of the area surrounding the entrance to the path to prevent that very thing.” I shake my head. “Our best bet will be to give the illusion of strength. To not engage in battle at all. To form the impression of an army of size, not necessarily of might.” I place more figurines around Ironrose. “If we can form a battalion around the castle—”

“You know I don’t know these military words.”

“If we can place groups of soldiers around the castle, and then find a way to send messengers to the border cities instructing them to have their soldiers gather strategically here and here”—I place more figurines—“it will give the illusion of a well-prepared militia.”

Harper comes around the table to stand beside me and she surveys the table as well. “So why don’t you sound happier?”

I flash on an image of a home burning while soldiers bar the door, stabbing swords through the slats while people try to escape.

I shudder and move away. “Because I have no idea whether I still have soldiers posted at the borders. I have no one I trust to deliver a secure message.”

“Grey?”

“We need him here if we are to continue visiting the closer cities. I will not send him away for weeks at a time.”

Something in her expression flickers. “Right.”

I frown. “What is it?”

“You said ‘weeks at a time.’ I just … I hadn’t thought about this dragging on so long.”

Ah. Her mother. This mission—this curse—promises nothing but misery in every direction. “You still hope to bargain for passage home. You would not have wanted to meet with the Lady Lilith last night, my lady. I assure you.”

Harper studies me, and the weight of her eyes presses down upon me. “I’ve seen what Lilith can do,” she says. “I don’t understand what’s different.”

I cannot explain without telling her everything. I drop into my chair and study the array of figurines on the table. One remains trapped between my hands and I turn it end over end.

Harper steps toward me and that figurine goes still. My muscles are tense and I have to force myself to remain in the chair.

She must notice, because she doesn’t come closer. She eases into the chair three seats away.

But then she says softly, “Do not run from me.”

Our words from last night. So much has changed between then and now. One night changed so much, in so many ways. I can offer nothing but failure. This curse has proved that much. In truth, all Lilith provided was a reminder.

I look at Harper and take a breath to make sure my voice is as steady as ever. “I will not run.” I pause, then rise. “But for now, my lady, perhaps you could avoid pursuit.”