Chapter 0205

Chapter 205

I can’t help myself, then, as I turn my face to Ivan, a tiny moan on my lips that he snatches away with his mouth on mine.

I kiss him without remembering to breathe, so hungry for him that I forget myself — hungry for his joy, his laughter, his ease and

his jokes

the way he lets me escape the rest of my world and lose myself in him. lvan’s mouth is hot against me as he wraps me in his

arms, twisting his body and me with it so that I’m all tied up in him, his back now flat against the cushions and

Chapter 205

my chest pressed on top of his as I

take control of the kiss.

His hands feel like they’re everywhere, all over my body, and I want them there — and I slip my own hand beneath his shirt,

feeling the flat stretch of his stomach, the ridge of the v of his muscles as they disappear into the top of his pants —

But suddenly I gasp, pulling away

remembering another stomach another stupid pair of pants —

I sit straight up, aghast, staring

down at Ivan.

“Fay,” he says quietly, sitting

up, looking at me with concern. “What’s wrong?”

I just stare at him, appalled at myself. How could I — Kent was —

“It’s all right,” lvan whispers, putting out a tentative hand and brushing a curl of my hair behind my ear. “It’s okay. We don’t have

to. Do you want to go inside?”

“No,” I breathe, shaking my head, my body starting to calm down.

Because, of course, Ivan isn’t going to make me do anything I don’t

want to. I realize that, as I stare at

him.

The real problem is that I...1 don’t know what I want. And with

everything that happened with Kent — the intensity that grew between us until it broke

until

he broke — I hadn't realized...that

maybe this, with Ivan...

Maybe this is what I want? Want

more?

Or...is it just Ivan is the one in front of me right now...and after twenty-some years of celibacy

something has broken in me

and I just want to have sex with

everyone —

I sigh and hang my head, shaking it, so terribly confused. “No,” I say, closing my eyes and letting myself rest. “Can we just...can

we just stay out here?”

“Of course,” Ivan responds instantly, leaning back against the cushions and looking at me with concern. He takes my hand and

tugs on it, inviting me to come close and relax. I move to sit next to him, putting my head on his shoulder, knowing that he'll let

me take the lead. That he won’t push.

We're quiet for a long minute, Ivan reaching for two more beers from the bucket and handing me one. I take it, giving him a little

smile, truly grateful that he’s... well, that he’s being so nice to me.

“So, Rodrigo,” I say with a little sigh. “Tell me how you grew up.”

And he does. Ivan invents a long story for Rodrigo for me, of his childhood raised by panthers and his early years in the sands of

the Sahara, including weird twists and heart-wrenching turns that have me laughing long into the night.

A few hours later, my head still pillowed on Ivan’s shoulder, I fall asleep listening to the sound of his voice.