Chapter 157

#Chapter 157 – To Stay or to Go “Mama?” The boys come tottering down the stairs.

Too soon, just…too soon.

Still kneeling on the floor, I raise my shaking hands to my eyes, working to wipe away the tears, but they’re still coming.

s**t, s**t – no part of me wants my boys to see me cry, but I just can’t stop –

Two little arms wrap around my shoulders from the left side, resting a little brown head against my shoulder. Sniffing, I reach a hand up to wrap around a little forearm as the other twin comes to hug me on my other side.

I’m a little twin sandwich, squeezed between their sweet, empathetic little hearts. God, what did I ever do to deserve them?

“Are you okay, mama?” Ian whispers, true concern in his voice.

I clear my throat, doing my best to sound steady, but my voice trembles when I answer.

“I’m going to be okay, babies. Go ahead now, let me go.”

They unwrap themselves and come to stand in front of me. I look up at them and then pat the floor in front of me, where they sit down, their faces worried.

“Papa was…” Alvin says, his lip trembling. “He was so mad…”

Ian nods in agreement, his face a pair to his brother’s.

“He was…” I say, hesitating, trying to be careful. The boys don’t need to know everything. “He was very angry with me, because I did something very bad. I stopped doing it, a few weeks ago, and I’m sorry for it, but…he’s right. I was not good to him.”

The boys look at me with shock. Their whole lives, I don’t think that they’ve really ever considered that I could do anything wrong. They have trouble comprehending this truth.

“Babies,” I say, leaning forward and taking each of their hands. Impulsively, I make a decision. “We’re going to go on a little trip! Give daddy some space until he cools off.” I gives them a big, wavering smile.

Ian looks at me suspiciously. “Where are we going?”

“Anywhere you want!” I say brightly. I’m making this up as I go anyway – why not let them pick?

The boys don’t fall for it. “We want to stay here,” Alvin says, firm.

“No,” I respond, shaking my head. “No questions asked. Up! Go upstairs, boys, pack a little bag. Some clothes, whatever books and toys you want – anything that fits in your backpack.”

The boys raise to their feet, still looking at me suspiciously. But I nod to them and they can tell that behind my fake smile, my will is steely. So they head up the stairs.

“Make sure you add a few pairs of underwear,” I call over her shoulder, my mom instinct kicking in despite my despair. “Sacrifice some toys if you have to.”

The boys don’t respond, continuing up the stairs.

When their footsteps echo down the hall, I get to my feet, my mind and my body both moving fast. I don’t need much – I can grab a few sets of clothes upstairs while the boys have breakfast –

Yes, breakfast – I have to feed them before we hit the road –

I grab some cereal out of the cabinet and pour it into two bowls, sliding a carton of milk next to them.

Then, I fill a tote bag with everything nonperishable that I can find in the cabinets – granola bars, gummy snacks, crackers – until the bag is bursting at its seams.

When that’s done, I head up the stairs as quietly and swiftly as I can, hurrying into my closet –

My f*****g closet – I glare at the stupid phone that ruined my life as I grab a few sets of clothes and shove them into a duffel. I then grab my cell phone charger and the phone still on my bedside table, hurrying down the steps.

I find the boys already in the kitchen, their backpacks ready, eating their cereal, watching me closely.

“Okay!” I say, giving them a big smile. “Have you guys decided? Where are we headed?”

They just stare at me. Then, they look at each other. Silence fills the room and my cheeks hurt so hard with my forced smile that I feel almost as if they will crack.

“Mama,” Ian says carefully. “We know that this is not a trip.” Alvin nods next to him.

I let my face fall and stare down at the floor. I love them, but god damnit, for one minute can my kids not be genius twins who see through my every lie? Can’t they just fall for it?

“We don’t want to go,” Alvin says plaintively. Not whining, but truly pleading for me to see, to understand. “We want to stay here. In our home. We are a family.”

I can’t handle it anymore. I sink to the floor again, putting my head in my hands, the tears coming back in a flood. The boys don’t come to me this time, instead letting me have my space, letting me cry it out.

I just can’t do it. I can’t…I can’t stay here. I can’t live here, in this house, on his land, knowing what we had, what my stupid choices just ruined. I can’t see him every day – can’t look into his face, can’t co-

parent with him, can’t watch him – oh my god, watch him fall in love with someone else –

“I…I can’t stay here,” I whisper, my tears falling through my fingers and onto the floor. “I have to go. We have to go.”

In that moment, particularly, my will solidifies even further. I’ll go back to where I started – I’ll change my name again, change theirs. Start somewhere new – somewhere warm – somewhere he can’t find me. Europe, maybe? He has less sway in Europe…

I’ll return to the life I had before that stupid day at the quiz show, when Victor walked into my life and ruined all of my carefully-laid plans. I’ll find new work as a therapist, build my life once more.

I did it once. I can do it again. Willfully, I ignore all the nights of desperate tears, of going hungry, of worrying whether we’d get kicked out of our apartments –

But I can do it again.

I pull myself together and look up at the boys, my eyes red and raw with my crying. “We’re going,” I say. “We’re going to start again.”

Very slowly, the boys look at each other, and then back to me.

“No, mama,” Ian says, speaking for both of them. “We’re not going.”

My jaw falls open in shock, my eyes darting between my two sons. Victor had told me to leave them here – but never in my life would I actually expect to –

“We have a responsibility, mama,” Alvin says, coming and sitting next to me on the floor. “We can’t go.

This is our pack.”

“You don’t have a responsibility,” I spit out, angrier than I mean to be, “you’re six.”

“No, mama, he is right,” Ian says, joining him. “This is going to be our pack. Dad is giving it to us. Even if we leave,” he shakes his head at me, “we will have to come back sometime. We cannot disappear.”

I look between them and realize – damnit. I realize that they’re right. Legally, they’re bound to the pack.

One day, it will be theirs, whether we disappear or not.

But that doesn’t mean –

“Come with me, boys,” I beg. “I can’t – I can’t live without you –“

Slowly, they shake their heads. “It’s okay, mama. We understand,” Alvin says quietly, choking on his words. “You have to go. But we have to stay.”

An hour later, I’m in my car in the driveway. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is where I’m at – the choice I’m making – never in a million years –

Suddenly, I hear the click of the passenger side door next to me. I gasp, my head spinning as I turn to see it open.