Chapter 217

#Chapter 217 – Tempers lost “Are you serious, Evelyn?” he sputters, his eyes going wide. “After all of this? All that we’ve been through?”

“What?” I snap in response, shaking my head so that my hair falls back over my shoulder. “Is it not a legitimate question?”

“No, Evelyn!” He says, his voice raising in anger. “It’s absolutely not!”

“Well, it’s legitimate to me,” I say. “And I think I deserve an answer. How do I know?”

“You know,” he says, taking two angry steps towards me, “because I love you, Evelyn. There’s no space in my mind for anyone else – I couldn’t even begin to think about another woman –“

“All stuff you probably said to Amelia!” I exclaim. Somewhere deep inside me, I know that I’m probably being unfair – that I know the extent of what we feel to each other. But…this has also been in the back of my mind for weeks. Months, if I’m being honest.

Victor tenses his jaw and tightens his lips then, and I know that I’ve got him there. These are all things he certainly said to Amelia, especially when I came on the scene. So how could I truly trust them again?

“She was your mate, Victor,” I say, some of the anger leeching at me as I voice this, my deepest hesitation about our relationship. “You get one of those in a lifetime. And you left your mate for me –

which is insane –“

“Evelyn,” he says, shaking his head. “It’s different –“

“How can it be different!” I interrupt, throwing up my hands. “I know that you and Amelia had your problems, and that she was…she was so manipulative, and what she wanted was so contrary to what you want for your life, and that I fit that bill so neatly – but she was your mate, Victor.”

He doesn’t say anything to me and I just shake my head at him.

“Doesn’t that mean anything to you?” I push. “How can I ever compete with that? Did you just…did you just go with me because I fit the image of the wife you want? Because I already had your kids –

because…because I want more children? Because you want more too?”

“No, Evelyn,” he says, shaking his head sharply. “It’s more than that – it’s so much more than that.”

“Your mate, Victor!” I exclaim.

“Will you please stop throwing that word at me?” he growls. “I don’t have a word to explain what you are to me, Evelyn – certainly not one that competes with what that word means in our world and our culture. That word is supposed to contain the most powerful connection between two people – but it’s not.”

I just stare at him, confused, not really following.

“Whatever I have with you, Evelyn,” he says, taking steps towards me. “It’s stronger than that. And just because I can’t explain it –“ he scoffs, then, running a hand down his face. “I mean, haven’t my actions shown you –“

“Oh, your actions, sure,” I say, my anger coming back. “Just the fact that you were standing at the altar waiting for her to come down the aisle –“

“And what about your actions, Evelyn,” he barks, making me jump a little. “Is it time now to bring up your betrayal? I parted ways with Amelia and since then have never looked back – not once. But you –

your lies, and your deceptions – they go beyond –“

“Don’t you dare, Victor Kensington,” I say, taking a step towards him and baring my teeth up into his face. “I gave up half my strength for you – my life – I’m going to die out here in these woods, leaving my children alone, all so that you would have a chance to –“

“Evelyn,” he snaps, his voice loud and echoing through the trees. “Why are you doing this? Why are you starting these impossible arguments?”

I hesitate, then, snapping my mouth shut but still looking up at him angrily.

“Have we not left all of these issues behind?” He asks, his voice low with an edge of anger to it.

“Honestly, are we not beyond all of this? Why are you bringing it up now?”

“Because we’re dying, Victor!” I shout, throwing my hands up. “If not now, when?!”

“And this is how you would go?” he says, his voice lower now as he takes a step towards me. “With accusations of me not loving you on your lips? With rootless anxiety in your heart regarding how I feel about you?”

My eyes fill with tears then, and I come up with nothing. He’s right, of course – we are beyond all of this – we’ve had these talks. And if we do die here –

And god damnit, but I’m determined to live – but –

If we do die. He’s right. I want to go with my arms around him, full of the knowledge that we love each other – that we tried everything we could to build our lives together.

But still, something in me. Something dark urges me on.

“I have to clear the air, Victor,” I say, my voice trembling. “I…I can’t live, or die, with these questions in my head. She was your mate –“

He opens his mouth, his brows drawing down, ready to fight again, but I shake my head. He closes his mouth, but I can still see the anger on his face.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever not be able to wonder, Victor,” I say, my voice soft, “if I’ll ever be enough for you.

If I’ll ever really compare to what you had with her.”

He clenches his teeth and looks off into the distance, and I can see that he is frustrated. Torn, really, between not wanting to have this fight again, and wanting to defend himself.

“I love you, Evelyn,” he says simply. “It’s all I’ve got. I wish…I wish you could have more faith in that.”

And I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt, then. Because it is me, not him – it’s my lack of faith that has caused this rift. All of his words, all of his actions, have all turned towards me in the past months. It should be enough.

But damnit, the fear…it drags at my soul. Makes me weaker.

“Mama?” Alvin’s voice pulls me out of the moment, towards where my two boys are standing a few yards away at the top of the little rise. “Can we keep going?”

I stare at the two of them, suddenly embarrassed for forgetting them. How long had they been there?

How much did they hear? Of all people in the world, they are the ones who least need to hear this argument.

“Yes, baby,” I say, working a smile onto my face and turning towards my kids. “One of you come and take my hand, help me up this hill.” Ian comes forward then and gives his hand to me, helping me balance as I work my way up the hill. I can hear Victor following behind.

If I turned, I know what I’d see. His serious face turned towards the ground, his mouth a straight line, his eyes distant as he wracks his brain trying to find a solution to this problem.

But there is no solution to it, I think, turning it over in my own head. Not when I’m the problem.

The anger still rolls in me as we continue walking for the day, easing a little more as we enter a new section of forest where the rays of the setting sun pierce through the leaves more easily.

“Here,” Victor says simply, groaning as he takes off his backpack and slings it to the ground. “This will do.”

We’re all quiet as we move to set up camp, even the boys, who look warily between us.

As I work to put together the tent, Alvin comes close to me.

“Don’t take it to heart, mama,” he says quietly, looking up at me with his big brown eyes.

I c**k my head at him, curious.

“That section of forest,” he says, looking back the way we came. “It was…darker than the rest. I think, the magic there…”

I straighten, looking back at the dark path we took, blinking suddenly as I realize that it perhaps wasn’t just me that dug up those dark thoughts and emotions as we traveled today. That, perhaps, the magic of this place had a hand in it as well.

I bite my lip, though, returning to the work. Even if it was the magic that stirred them up, the anxieties and hesitations were mine, and they were very real. The forest didn’t create them out of nothing.

And, as I finish up the tent, I realize that they’re questions to which I need answers. Absolute answers, before I can move forward with anything at all.

As I turn to look at Victor kneeling by the fire, I see the realization on his face as well.

Perhaps we weren’t as ready for this as we thought we were.