Chapter 63

“Are you hungry?” Valens asked when we got to the penthouse.

It was exactly how I left it before going to the hospital. It felt so surreal to know that some things remained the same while my life had changed forever.

“No,” I answered Valens’ question, getting into bed. I burrowed my face into a pillow and closed my eyes, blocking out everything. “Turn off the lights,” I muttered. “All of them,” I added when he left one light on. He turned it off and the place became pitch black.

“You should have lunch before you sleep off.”

“I am not sleeping off,” I muttered, turning my face.

“Okay.” There was silence after that but it didn’t last as long as I would like. “Do you need anything?” I needed him to leave me alone but I wouldn’t say that.

“Who trained you?” I raised my head from the pillow. “In combat, that is.”

“The head of my father’s knights. Why do you ask?” He perched on the bed and I got the wild feeling that he was afraid of me. No, he was uncertain. Not afraid.

“Was he cursed along with you?” I asked but what I meant was ‘Is he still alive?’

“No. He died protecting my mother.” He looked away and I felt his grief.

“Who took over from him? Who would have – Who is supposed to – Who will train the next generation?” I turned away too. If I had the baby, who would have trained them?

“The king’s knights have no leader now as I haven’t appointed one. The highest in rank manages them for now. When it’s time, I will choose a leader and he will train our children.”

“Will they agree to train me?”

He looked at me as if he couldn’t believe I would ever think of that. “Why would you want him to train you? You have me and Jabari.”

So far, they’d been the ones training me but I knew I wasn’t anywhere close to where I would have been if someone dedicated to training me actually did. A lot of times, Valens had too much work to do so he couldn’t make it to our training and a few times Jabari too could not make it. On such days, I would simply do a little exercise and go back to being a couch potato. A trainer would have no other job than training me.

“For the times you and Jabari have other things to do. I’m nowhere near where I can be. So far, I’ve only learnt defence. I’m tired of it.”

“If that’s the case, we can –“ I cut him off.

“I don’t want to train with you anymore,” I said, looking him square in the eye so he knew I meant it.

“Little moon –“

“What? You can decide to leave tomorrow and I’d be without a trainer. I don’t want a repeat of the past,” I sneered at him.

“There will be no repeat of the past.”

Weren’t things easier said than done? Who could tell when someone else conspired against me and he chose to believe them instead of me? He would punish my pack for my mistakes. He’d leave us to the wild wolves when he felt he needed a break.

“I shouldn’t have left you.” He sighed, pushing his hair out of his face. “I made a mistake and I apologize, really.”

“You didn’t just leave me, Valens. You left Redville. You left my pack. What did you think would happen to a pack with a deserter Alpha!” I was screaming again, crying.

Tears spilt from the corners of my eyes despite my efforts at keeping my emotions at bay. I was angry. Bitter. I didn’t want to be, but the more I thought about what I lost because my Alpha left, the angrier I became.

“I left because I feared my wolf’s reaction. I was angry enough to forget my duties. It’s not an excuse but I promise it will never happen again.”

“Of course, it’s not an excuse. I think you did. An Alpha doesn’t just ‘forget’ his duties! I think you remembered what abandoning your pack could cause but you didn’t care. You thought, ‘let them rot,’ and took off without a backwards glance. You didn’t just forget about your duty. You subconsciously wanted to punish me! Well, congrats, you succeeded.” I wiped angry tears from my eyes. “And don’t even try to deny it.”

“Don’t say that. Don’t even think that. I had to get my wolf under control and it was the best way. I should have trusted you enough to know you would not desecrate our bond and I apologize for my lack of faith but I never wanted to punish you.”

I let him hug me as my emotions spiralled out of control. I let him hug me because I didn’t have the strength to fight his hold. I couldn’t get over the overwhelming sense of being let down, being betrayed, abandoned. The knowledge of what could have been if things had gone a certain way, the thought that I could be walking a different path if my mate trusted me or if my Alpha never neglected his duties haunted me

When I’d cried until I was red in the face, breathless and tired, when I could not string two sentences together without hiccups, I pulled away from him and wiped my face. He tried to take my hand but I moved away from him.

“I don’t want to stay here anymore.” I looked around the room in the penthouse suite of the pack house.

It had seemed like an upgrade from the basement, something I thought would be the starting point of something new in my life. It was the start of something new, alright. It just wasn’t the brand of newness I expected or hoped for.

“If you’re uncomfortable with the pack house, we can buy a house today and move tomorrow,” he said, pulling out his phone, probably to make a call to get things moving. “We were to pick out a new home after our mating ceremony.” I winced at the reminder.

The Mating Ceremony.

It felt like ages ago when I stood with him on that platform to announce we would be having a ceremony. I’d been ecstatic. Things were finally falling in place at that point but now they’d fallen apart and I couldn’t think of where I was expected to start from.

“I want a big house,” I blurted out.

I waited for him to berate me, to look at me like an extravagant person out to waste his money. Maybe he would think I wanted a big house to hide my lovers or some other bullshit. I wanted a big house because it was the only way I could think of avoiding him.

I’d told him severally to leave me alone. I needed a breather. I needed space but he didn’t seem to understand. He felt if he was everywhere, I would have no choice but to put everything behind me and pretend I didn’t hate seeing his face. He was everywhere I turned but in a bigger house, he wouldn’t be so much in my space. Or so I hoped.

“If you want a bigger house, you can get a bigger house. I’ll let Jabari know.” He stood up and walked out to the terrace to make a call. I flopped back into bed, rubbing my eyes.

The penthouse that once felt large now felt too small. I closed my tired eyes, trying to rest them because they were tired from all the crying I’d done.

I felt my stomach while I lay down. It was flat but unlike before, I couldn’t expect it to grow bigger with time. It would remain flat because there wasn’t a child in there anymore. It sucked and I wanted to bury my face in the pillow and cry some more.

“I told her she’d get a house today so we better get a house today.” I listened for Valens’ voice. It was hard not to hear him because his voice had been steadily rising the longer he was on the call. “I don’t care if it’s hard to do as long as it’s doable. Call my accountant. We are buying a house tomorrow.”

There was silence as he listened to the other person at the end of the call. He was too far away for me to pick up what the other person was saying but it made him pace.

“She wants a big house so that wouldn’t do.” More silence. “A mansion, yes.” Silence stretched after that. “Don’t ask me if I am settling in Redville. She wants a mansion so she should get one.”

He stopped pacing for a second. “You are getting on my nerves.” His voice went cold. “What I plan for the future is none of your business. I am buying a house! I am giving you till ten p.m to come up with something.