Chapter 9

The morning after Cammie's twenty-first birthday, she woke to faded image of a brunette with soft, rounded features. The dream girl had drifted through her unconscious mind, free to travel where it desired without the restrain of Cammie's conscious will. This dream was vivid, showing what would be a future with this girl if Cammie allowed the Dream come to fruition.

At the realization of where her mind wandered in her sleep, Cammie's stomach stomach knotted itself in a series of complex tangles that seemed that send naeusous waves through her stomach and simultaneously pulled on her heart strings, setting it off in eradict thumps. Cammie barely made it to the bathroom before her anxiety pushed everything out her stomach.

As she lay clutching the sides of the toilet, wanting more than anything to go back to bed and sleep off the hangover and the anxiety, she knew that the girl would be waiting as soon as she fell asleep.

Cammie cursed, thinking that she had conquered this demon the day before. She had spent an entire day convincing herself that everything would be alright, that she could choose Adam. Everything that had happened during that day proved to Cammie that she would be able to pull off this stunt, hadn't it? So why had everything seemed like it reset in the morning?

The splitting headache that hammered between Cammie's temples was enough to make her set aside her thoughts and coax her back into her room. Though she did not want to fall asleep, for fear of encountering the girl, she did not know what else to do. To face the day seemed impossible, but to sleep seemed unbearable.

Frustered, Cammie reached for her laptop and turned on her favorite TV show, hoping to numb her mind and find solace. Eventually, between her headache and tired eyes, she founde herself drifting off to sleep. She closed her eyes, hoping she would not see the brunette again.

*

The next three weeks went by much like the first day had. Cammie felt like she was living in a dream herself. She began each day in a panic after having found herself dreaming of her supposed Soulmate. She would compensate for her unconscious betrayal by spending every moment with Adam. The closer she was to Adam physically and the more time they spent together, however, made her feel more and more horrible inside, as if the very fabric of her being was being torn apart, beginning with her heart. The dream girl seemed to pursue her at every corner and no matter what Cammie tried, she couldn't rid herself of the face that hid just behind her eyelids.

Adam chalked up Cammie's sudden interest in being together all of the time to the certainty of the Dream. He was living in a dream himself. Cammie had never been particularly enthusiastic at physical touch, and though Adam considered their sex life to be healthy, Cammie had never wanted to make love as often as Adam had. Yet, in the last weeks, Cammie seemed to be matching every one of Adam's desires. He found Cammie always grabbing onto him, touching him in some way. The best part of Adam's life since the Dream was that Cammie wanted to have sex as often as possible. If he hadn't been convinced that Cammie was his Soulmate before the Dream, he was certaintly convinced by her actions.

Eventually the days of the winter break dwindled down and the reality that everyone would return to school became a certainty. By the end of the break, Cammie finally realized how utterly exhausted she had become. She was gratful that she would finally be away from her family and Adam, finally able to let her guard down and breathe without the fear of discovery. Now she would finally have some much needed time and space to think without feeling so much pressure to perform. Savannah would be even less of a problem once the girls were back in their shared apartment in LA and they both resumed their busy song and dance of school and study.

Savannah had only been at home a few times over the break because her family traveled over the holidays. Cammie had made sure that when they saw each other, there were as many people around as possible. She coordinated seeing old friends from high school, hiking, and other activities that did not allow the two girls to be alone in a space where they could talk. Savannah could read Cammie like a book, but Cammie also knew that once the term started, she would be able to hide from Savannah's all-knowing eye behind her books.

When it was finally time to leave Cammie's childhood neighborhood, Elizabeth had pulled both of her daughter's into a hug and instructed them, as she always did, to make the Driver name proud. As soon as Cammie pulled the car out of the driveway, it was as if a stress that Cammie had not been aware of was pulled from her shoulders; she seemed to be free of all the stresses of the house, especially her mother, who was a constant pressure upon Cammie, whether each of them realized it or not. Elizabeth had always scrutinized her girls under a microscope. Nevermind that both Cammie and Jess were away at college, Elizabeth never missed a chance to investigate and ensure that her children were achieving their (which was translated as "the family's") best. No matter where her children were or what they were doing, Elizabeth could not allow any negativitiy to plague the family.

Cammie expelled a heavy sigh as soon as the car had exited the neighborhood.

"Why does she always have to say that to us?" Jess asked.

"She just wants whats best for us."

Jess scoffed but did not say more.

Cammie had always attempted to make small talk with her sister on these drives. Jess and Cammie had been close as young siblings, but once they got into high school, the two had taken very different paths in life. While Cammie dutifully obeyed her parents and lived to please, Jess had done the exact opposite and seemed to do things that would displease their parents on purpose. Cammie never did understand why her sister had rebelled against their parents so hard.

"Did you enjoy the break?" Cammie asked after a while.

"I guess," Jess replied shrugging. "It was nice to see my friends from home."

"How 'bout mom and dad?" Cammie asked, grinning.

Jess shot her a playful look, but they both knew how Jess felt. Over the breaks, Jess spent as much time at her friends' houses as possible.

"How are you doing?" Jess asked, changing the subject. She looked at her sister, as if trying to decifer an abstract piece of art.

"I'm good," Cammie replied.

Jess narrowed her eyes before speaking. "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"You don't seem good."

"What makes you say that?"

Jess stared at her sister for a while before replying. "I know that we haven't been close the last several years. But I would still like to think that I know my own sister."

"And what do you know?"

"You've been acting strange since you've been home."

This gave Cammie pause, but she shook off the remark with a shurg.

"I'm just stressed. School and the LSAT and all that."

"I don't think that's it. I've seen you stressed from school before. This isn't stress from school."

"Well I don't know what to tell you," Cammie snapped, becoming much more defensive than she had intended. Her level-headedness was beginning to fail her as panic flodded through her veins like icy cold water.

"There. That."

"What?"

"You're so on edge all of the time and short-tempered. That's not like you."

Cammie heaved a deep sigh, trying to expel all of the bad emotions building up in her gut. "I'm not sleeping very well."

"Why?"

"Because I'm stressed," Cammie lied.

"Bull shit. I already told you that's not it."

Cammie glared at her sister who held her gaze defiantly. Jess was a quiet girl and very reserved, but when she believed in something she would never back down.

"Was it your Dream?" Jess finally asked, breaking the silence.

It felt like the mirror had been shattered. The perfect illusion Cammie thought she had held up was smashed by a single question; an all-powerful blow by her sister.

"Cammie!"

Traffic had suddenly come to a halt and Cammie had not seemed to notice. She slammed on the breaks, tires squeeling, rubber burning. The car stopped inches from the bumper of the car in front.

"Jesus Christ, Cammie."

Cammie puffed in the driver's seat. Her adrenaline pumping for more than one reason. The sisters sat in silence as they both calmed down. Cammie's mind was racing. What should she say? She had been banking on the idea that her stressed-out nature was because of the LSAT and school. No one had seemed to question it and she had hardly spoken to Jess all break.

"How did you know?" Cammie finally asked, the question coming out a whisper.

"I just know you," her sister answered lamly. "You've been acting so weird the whole time you've been home. And I've never seen you drink that much before. And you were all over Adam, like all the time. Everything just felt off."

There was not some dramtic reveal of a particular moment when Cammie had dropped the ruse, and like a great detective, Jess had uncovered her sister's one blunder that would lead to her capture. It was a simple statement of one person to another with a deep connection. And if Jess could see through Cammie's act, wouldn't Savannah too? And eventually everyone else?

Cammie stared back at her sister, tears in her eyes. "You 'know me'?"

Jess nodded.

"There wasn't anything I did?"

Jess shook her head.

"Adam didn't notice a thing," Cammie mumbled, her voice barely audible.

Jess reached over and placed a hand on her sister's leg. "I think that maybe that's why you didn't Dream of him."

The tears fell freely and the sobs began to wrack Cammie's body.

"Pull over, Cam. I'll drive."

The two girls switched seats. As she drove, Jess placed a comforting hand on her sister's back. She rubbed it, hoping to console her sister while she cried.

"It's okay, Cam. I know that you love him. You've been with the guy for years."

Cammie cried harder. If only that were the reason. If only that were the reason she was so upset. If it were another man, she could handle it.

"But he's not right for you. You'll meet your Soulmate soon, and when you do, you'll realize why Adam wasn't right for you," Jess continued, ignorant of her sister's struggle.

Cammie kept crying. The words that her sister was speaking, meant for comfort, had the opposite effect as Cammie pictured the reactions of Adam and her family at her real Dream.

"And I know it's probably going to be the hardest thing you've ever had to do," Jess continued. "But you have to tell Adam. Leading him on like this isn't fair to him."

"I want to be with Adam. I don't want to be with anyone else. I have to be with Adam."

Jess gave her sister a sympathetic look. "I know you do, but Cam, he's not your Soulmate. Some other girl is his Soulmate. And some other guy is yours. You can't do this to him. And you can't do this to yourself."

"I don't care who I Dreamed of, Jess. I want to be with Adam. He's my Soulmate!"

Jess shook her head. "He's not, Cam."

"He is!"

"Cam, I know it's hard--"

"You don't understand!"

"What don't I understand?"

Cammie pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes, blocking out the world.

"I have to be with him."

"Cammie—"

"I Dreamed of a girl!" Cammie spat, the last word coming out of her mouth like a dirty curse word.

Jess was speechless. She opened and closed her mouth many times, trying to formulate something—anything—to say. Nothing.

Cammie shook her head. "This is why I have to be with Adam. I can't be. . . I'm not. . ." She could not bring herself to say the word. "Imagine what mom would say." Cammie said this last part more to herself than Jess.

"Fuck mom."

Cammie's eyes widened with incredulity. She stared at her sister.

"Who cares what mom thinks," Jess said passionatly. "If your Soulmate is a woman, then your Soulmate is a woman. Who the fuck cares?"

Cammie knew Jess had had a mouth on her, but she had never heard her swear so much in a single breath.

"But," Cammie began. She was quickly cut off by her sister.

"Cammie, this girl is your Soulmate. It's not like it's a phase or an experiement—or whatever. We're talking about your Soulmate. And if mom has a problem with it, fuck her."

"Jess, I can't date a girl," Cammie said as if this was the most obvious statement in the entire world. "What would everyone think? I couldn't do that. I just can't."

By this time, Jess had pulled the car over in front of her terminal. She threw the car in park and stared at her sister.

"Cam," Jess began, holding Cammie's eyes with her own. "You should be free to love who you want. You shouldn't worry about what other people think."

Cammie frowned, doubtful.

"I know this is a shock for you, but please, for once in your life, do something for yourself and don't worry about what other people are going to think. Especially mom."

Cammie didn't say anything.

"You're at USC because of Mom and Dad. You're in pre-law because of Mom and Dad. You're exactly who Mom and Dad want you to be. But are you who you want to be?"

Again, Cammie made no answer.

"I know you think I'm crazy for going to school in Washington and majoring in Art and risking not having a job after graduation. And I know you especially think I'm crazy for not listening to Mom and Dad, but I think that I'm a lot happier than you are because I'm not living in their shadow. I'm doing what I want. And you know what? I'm very happy with my life."

Cammie stared at her hands, focusing on picking at her nails. Her face was burning with shame. She could not argue against her sister, despite her shelf of gold medals and trophies for debate. Her life should have been the easiest thing to argue against, to bolster her rebutal and shut her sister down. It was everything that she had dreamed of, after all. And yet, she found she could forumlate no words to tell her sister she was wrong.

She couldn't tell her sister she was wrong.

Why?

Why could she say anything to her? Even a simple word: no.

Jess reached across the car and plucked her sister's hands from her lap. Cammie raised her eyes to see Jess' aflame with passionately. She had not seen her younger sister this determined or excited since she had announced she was moving to Seattle to study art.

"All I want for you is to be able to say that you're happy because this is what you wanted; not what someone else wanted."

Cammie swallowed, pushing down tears.

"I think finding this girl is going to the be the first step."

"I'm scared, Jess."

"I know."

"I don't know what to do."

"You're a smart girl, I think you'll figure it out."

Cammie nodded, not convinced.

"I'm going to miss my flight if I don't get going," Jess said, releasing her sister from the intense situation and stepping out of the car.

Cammie nodded, speechless. She hopped out of the car, unsure of what to say. The two sisters hugged.

"I know it's hard," Jess said. "I know this is . . . different. But I'll always be here for you. No matter what."

Jess quickly hugged her sister one last time and turned on her feels toward the terminal. She looked back over her shoulder one last time and waved.

"Love you."

Cammie blinked. She hadn't heard Jess say that she loved her—or anyone in their family beside Annabelle—since they were ten.

"I love you too," Cammie called. She thought a moment and ran over to her sister. "Jess."

Jess paused to turn.

"Please don't say anything. . . To anyone."

Her sister smiled a sympathetic smile, almost as if she pitied her older sister. "Of course I won't."

They hugged once more. Before Jess disappeared through double doors into the terminal, she gave her sister one last piece of advice. "Cammie, there's nothing wrong with being gay."

Cammie didn't say anything, instead choosing to watch her sister walk away.

Jess had given her a lot to think about. Instead of turning her car to go home to the apartment, Cammie turned her wheel and drove north, the sun nearly blinding her as she took the curves of the road with ease. Gray clouds tumbled over the hills as Cammie's car winded down the coast highway. Certain wisps were touched with dull pinks and oranges, and there were scattered peepholes into the darkening blue sky, but it was becoming overwhelmingly gray.

Cammie's mood darkened with the skies as she gripped the wheel, handling the curves of the road with grace and aplomb. Most other nights, she would have spent this time singing to her dashboard at the top of her lungs or calling Adam to see what he was up to, but tonight she was ghostly silent. Even the radio was turned off. All of the things that were natural to her, that calmed her, made her happy even, seemed to have betrayed her.

She thought about what her sister had said to her: "All I want for you is to be able to say that you're happy because this is what you wanted; not what someone else wanted."

What someone else wanted? What did that even mean? Of course this was what she wanted. She had the perfect life; it was so perfect because this is how she had painted it, down to every minute detail. This is what she wanted. Her life was perfect.

Why would Jess think otherwise?

She gripped the steering wheel in frusteration. She was questioning everything, though she tried to convince herself that she didn't need to.

The car continued driving up the coast, the sunlight chasing her along the road, daring her to drive further and further away from LA into the unknown.

There was really no reason for her head to be as cloudy as it was. Jess didn't know what she was talking about; Cammie loved her life. She simply had a crazy Dream, which led to crazy thoughts, but that's all they were. There was no need to question her entire being, her entire life choices. Nothing about a dream qualifies the content as fact; nothing about thoughts guarantees any kind of truth or value. So there should be no reason that one lousy dream should screw up her entire life.

But weren't these different? The dream Cammie had was no ordinary dream. This was a planned, calculated, scientifically and socially-reliable dream. If it worked for so many others, why would it malfunction this badly for her?

Something about the perceived truth of the Dream led Cammie to believe the truth of her thoughts, except for the ones about Adam. Now every thought about Adam was tainted, poisoned. Every thought about Adam stood in blatant opposition of Cammie's new truth, and must be crushed. But how, when Adam was everything? Adam was as essential to life as breathing, or water, or pain. Even if Cammie wanted to leave Adam, she wouldn't. Couldn't.

That's what this drive is for, she thought. To clear it all away, to relax. But with each grey mass that barreled its way through the Pacific sky, relaxation slipped further and further from her grasp. If Cammie didn't understand why people related emotions and weather before, she did now. Under the increasingly gloomy sky, with the sun and the blue disappearing with each second, married with her increasingly suffocating thoughts, Cammie felt trapped. She could make all the tight turns and accelerate at all the right times, but she would never lift herself off the ground, through the clouds, plunging vertically into the ever-present blue sky.

On the cozy two-lane highway, Cammie continued to veer and jet around incoming traffic and the side of the road. The more erratic her emotions, the more erractic her driving became. Headlights shone brightly in her eyes with each blind turn, an added challenge that Cammie welcomed: any new danger was another reason to focus completely on the road and nothing else. Broken relationships had no place on the daunting highway. Imagined fears and trepidation had no sway when the road put Cammie in mortal peril every few seconds. Here, on her own public speedway, fear was Cammie's freedom.

But with each cloud that rolled in, Cammie found it ever more difficult to distract herself from the problems in her head. Thankfully, muscle memory took over to the degree necessary to keep her alive on the highway, but her brain had other ideas tonight. Ideas that were new, and therefore terrifying. Ideas that involved leaving everything comfortable in favor of something unproven and, she thought, unnatural.

A car zoomed past—the girl. Another car—Adam's face. Another car—her parents. Zoom—the girl. Zoom—Savannah. Zoom—her career. Zoom—school. Zoom—the girl. Zoom—Adam. Zoom—the girl. Zoom—the girl. Zoom—the girl.

The car seemed to be accelerating of its own volition. Cammie seemed to have less control over the steering wheel. The turns became sloppy, wider. Cammie had to slam on her breaks to make turns that she had never had trouble making before; yet she found herself pushing the pedal down further and further, exceeding the speed limit and swerving around curvles, crossing over the double-yellow lines dividing the two lanes. Her heart hammering faster as the adrenaline coursed through her body.

She suddenly felt invicible. And if she wasn't? Well that was fine too. If she somehow was consumed by an accident and ceased to be? Well, that suddenly seemed like a viable option too. She found herself fanticizing about not having to deal with any of this, not having to be stressed, not having to lie, not having to live up to everyone's perfect expectations of herself.

Not having to live. . .

Bright lights flashed in her eyes and the blare of a horn echoed in her ears. Cammie's heart leapt into her throat and she jerked her car to the right, tires squeeling from both cars as she narrowly avoided a head-on-collision.

Immediatly, Cammie pulled off the road. She threw the car in park and began to cry, the pent-up emotions overcoming the floodgate once again.

She felt so helpless.

The cloud was a blanket now, no more holes to heaven. Cammie thought she heard a clap of thunder, but it was difficult to tell noises apart on this stretch of road. The only other sound in the car was the sound of her chest heaving and the struggle to control her breathes and tears.

It was to no avail.

Cammie glanced at her phone sitting innocently in her cupholder.

Maybe she'd call Savannah, she'd know what to say. Cammie pulled out her phone, watching the cars continue to rush past. If she called Savannah, her friend would immediatly know something was wrong. Maybe Mom? Dad? He didn't usually have the greatest answers in situations like these. His world was "real" hardship, not this wishy-washy emotional stuff. Adam? How could she call the person who was at the root of this, while he was supposed to be the one person she could always turn to. She considered Jess, but her sister was on an airplane and she thought she had had enough of her sister's sage advice for more than a while.

She could turn to no one. She had no one. She was alone. She was isolated.

Out of options, she threw her phone into the passenger side and slumped over in the driver's seat. If things didn't make sense in this world, she would retreat into one where she had no control whatsoever. Cammie slowly pulled the car into gear and turned around, heading home. The only thing that would remedy her mind was sleep, where for a few hours, she could completely turn off.

************

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