Chapter 17

The sidewalk was punished with the beating of Cammie's feet upon it. She ran vigorously down city blocks, one after another, until she was miles from home. Only when she felt her body beginning to break down with resistance did she turn around and make her way back home at a steadier pace.

It had been three weeks since Adam's Dream, but the ache had not gone away and the pain did not seem to lessen. Cammie had realized shortly after the breakup that she had built her life around him and the image that being with him created. When Adam had ultimately decided to end the relationship, it destroyed Cammie in a way she had never known possible. She thought that the agony of her Dream had been devastating, but the aftermath of the breakup was worse: now she just felt numb.

But Cammie had quickly decided that she did not want this to rule over her; she had spent so much time after her Dream feeling sorry for herself and wallowing in her own self pity, that she resolved to keep herself from despair. Instead of allowing that darkness to swallow her whole, every morning she found herself running through the streets of Los Angeles, her feet beating rhythmic patterns to occupy her spiraling mind.

When she was not out running her thoughts, Cammie obsessively checked her phone to see if there was any chance that Adam had texted her. She had no idea what she expected him to say—or what she even wanted him to say—but she checked habitually, like an itch that needed to be scratched.

She had changed the photos that served as wallpapers on her phone, as it only brought a fresh wave of pain and sadness every time she unlocked her phone and saw a picture of Adam smiling back. She could not bear to delete or remove anything else from her phone or her life; once she did that, Cammie felt like everything would be finalized and she wasn't quite ready to accept that everything was over.

During this time, Virgo had not crossed her mind once; there was simply too much for her to think about and Virgo was wedged out of the equation.

When she opened the door to her shared apartment, she found Savannah already awake and sitting at the table with a cup of coffee.

"Want some?" she asked.

"Sure."

Savannah poured her friend a cup and set it across the table from herself. Cammie hadn't spoken much since the breakup, but Savannah understood that Cammie would need time to recover. She was grateful that Cammie hadn't shut down like she had before and so she accepted these short exchanges where Savannah would do the most of the talking and Cammie would sit in reflective silence.

"How are you doing?"

"Good, I guess."

Savannah nodded.

"I guess it's not so bad. I just feel lost. I'm not sure what to do with myself."

"I get that, but Adam wasn't your entire life, you know? You're a whole person even without him."

"I know that, it's just . . . It doesn't feel like it right now. I didn't even realize how much we were intertwined until he was gone. Now I see everything that's missing."

Savannah reached across the small kitchen table and grabbed Cammie's hand. "You're not missing anything, Cam. He didn't make you who you are. You're still you."

"I feel really lost, Sav. I don't know what I'm doing with myself."

"What do you mean?"

"First it was the Dream, now it's Adam; it feels like everything in my life is falling apart."

"Cam, your life isn't falling apart. Just because your relationship is over doesn't mean everything is ruined."

Cammie chewed her lip in thought and mulled over both her and Savannah's words. "I guess what I mean is that now that Adam's gone, I'm taking a look at my life and," she paused, glanced at the floor, the ceiling, Savannah. "I don't know what I want anymore."

"What do you mean?"

Cammie shrugged. "I don't know. I just don't know about anything. Everything feels like it's in a limbo and all of these things I was sure about don't seem so certain anymore."

"Like what?"

"Like, what if I should have tried to pursue art like Jess? What if I hadn't listened to my parents about everything and just did what I wanted instead?"

Hearing Cammie speak these words surprised Savannah; she had never heard her friend express any inkling of wanting to disobey her parents wishes. Cammie's entire life had been centered around wanting exactly what her parents wanted for her. Savannah was not quite sure what cracked inside of Cammie after the breakup, but she was happy that the wall that had divided Cammie in two—between her real self and the self that wanted to please—was finally crumbling.

"I don't think it's too late for that," Savannah offered.

"Maybe," Cammie said, but seemed far away, like she was in an entirely different world.

The two girls sat in silence for a while.

"What do I tell my parents?" Cammie asked.

"The truth. You just tell them you panicked, because you wanted to see Adam and hoped that he would see you. It's not the most outrageous story."

Cammie hummed her reply.

"Oh, hey. Jen texted me. She wanted to see how you're doing."

"Oh yeah, I forgot to text her back," Cammie said. In fact, she had forgot to text everyone back. The only reason she remembered to talk to Savannah was because she saw her everyday. And she had to admit that every time her phone vibrated with an alert, her heart stopped with the chance that it could be Adam. The disappointment that struck her heart each time she saw that it was not Adam was becoming too much to handle multiple times throughout the day.

"She just asked if we wanted to go out tonight. Do you feel up for it?"

"Not really."

Savannah politely declined Jen's invitation. A moment later, Savannah's phone was buzzing.

"Hello?"

"Put Cammie on the phone," Jen demanded.

"It's for you," Savannah said and handed Cammie the phone.

Puzzled, Cammie took the phone and answered uncertainty: "Hello?"

"You're coming out with me tonight," Jen said on the other end of the line.

Cammie sighed. "Jen, I really don't feel up to it."

"Remember last time you went out? You met me. And you had fun. So come out with me tonight and let's have fun."

Cammie sighed. "Jen—"

"No, I don't want to hear it. Tell Savannah to meet me at The Abbey at nine. I better see you there."

Cammie was silent.

"Cammie?" Jen asked again.

"Okay, fine."

Jen's smile was almost audible across the phone.

"What did Jen want?" Savannah asked when Cammie handed her her phone.

"Don't pretend like you don't know." A smile tugged on the corner's of Cammie's lips. She couldn't be mad at Savannah.

***

Cammie and Savannah hopped out of their ride and found Jen inside the bar with two drinks already poured and waiting for them. Jen passed them both sweet tasting drink and pulled them in for a hug.

"I'm glad you came out," Jen said.

"I don't think she's come out yet," Savannah added with a wink.

Both Jen and Cammie groaned at Savannah's terrible joke. Savannah simply shrugged it off and pulled her friends to the dance floor.

"Relax Cammie, we're here to unwind," Jen said, bumping Cammie with her hips, trying to get the other girl to enjoy herself.

"You're right." Cammie took a swig of her drink. She had to admit that even though she didn't feel like being here, it was nice to be out with her friends and not be trapped within her own mind. So she put her body through the motions of enjoying herself and eventually her brain caught up and she felt herself relax. She began to glance around the room, taking in the faces of the people she was surrounded by. She had always enjoyed people watching. As her eyes fell over the faces in the room, her heart stopped cold in her chest as a familiar face materialized before her.

Virgo.

Instead of flinching or panicking, as she had in the past, an unrecognizable anger welled in her guts and clenched at her heart. The adrenaline hammered in her ears. Cammie's body was moving of its own accord and she quickly realized that she was making a beeline straight for the girl.

"I'll be right back," Cammie said.

As her feet moved, Cammie realized she had no idea what she was doing, what she would say, but her body surged through the crowd, anger burning within. What was worse was that Cammie had no idea where this unbridled rage stemmed from, but far it be it from her to quell the fire that burned inside when she had been feeling so empty.

Virgo happened to glance up from the conversation she was having to see a blonde girl charging straight for her. She immediately recognized the person to be Cammie and her heart did a strange sort of flip, confused if it should be happy or angry. In a complete betrayal to the anger Virgo wanted to feel, she realized that relief flooded through her; she had grown so tired of finding someone new to ease the pain, to dull her senses and replace Cammie. Each time she kissed someone who wasn't Cammie, slept with someone who wasn't Cammie, she felt like the hole in her heart was growing bigger.

Once Cammie was closer, Virgo realized that the girl was absolutely furious.

"This is your fault!" Cammie screamed above the thump of the music.

Taken aback, Virgo found herself unable to reply. This had to have been a record for strangest first interactions with one's Soulmate.

"None of this would have happened if you would have just left me alone!"

"What are you talking about?" Virgo asked, afronted. The group Virgo was standing with began to grow uncomfortable, thinking this was a spat between ex-lovers.

Tears were gathering in the corner of Cammie's eyes as the anger burned hot. "You just had to Dream of me. And now my life is ruined because of you!"

"Me?" Virgo asked, incredulous. "Me? You think this is my fault?"

"It's not my fault! I was perfectly happy before you came along."

"Came along and what? I didn't do anything to you. You Dreamed of me, remember?"

"Why did you have to come into my life? I was happy with Adam! Now everything is ruined."

"Did little miss perfect's boyfriend break up with her?"

Cammie wanted to scream, to punch something until her knuckles bled—preferrably this girl who dared talk back to her, to not take responsibility for her role in this. Cammie had never felt anger burn like this.

"Don't talk about me like you know anything about my life," Cammie spat.

"Then don't come here and accuse me of ruining your life. Do you know how long I've waited to meet you? To finally see you in person and meet you? And then I finally do and you act like this? You rejected me. You're supposed to be my fucking Soulmate and you rejected me."

"Adam broke up with me because of you!" Cammie snapped, ignoring what Virgo had said.

"No, Adam broke up with you becasue of you; you didn't Dream of him and he didn't Dream of you. Get over yourself and stop blaming me for your problems."

Cammie opened her mouth to retort, but Virgo pushed on.

"At least now you have some idea of how it felt to have your Soulmate not want you."

Cammie stood before the eye of the hurricane. As the glare in Virgo's eyes intensified, transformed, Cammie was finally able to realize that the broken heart she was feeling at losing Adam was probably the same sense of loss and emptiness that Virgo had felt the day ran from her. Cammie was her Soulmate and she had said no. She had turned her away.

The pain in Virgo's eyes was palpable.

By now heads had turned to look at the two girls confrontation. The few girls that were with Virgo had moved away, uncomfortable with the situtation. Cammie felt the tears begin to roll down her cheeks, all of the anger seeping out of her through the corners of her eyes. She knew Virgo was right; Cammie knew it wasn't Virgo's fault that Adam had broken up with her. But who else could she blame? Cammie couldn't believe that deep down her would truly want to be with a woman, to marry her, to call her her Soulmate.

Cammie turned on her heels and fled the bar, unable to stay a moment longer. Virgo watched Cammie flee from her for a second time.

"Putain," Virgo cursed in her native tongue. "Pourquoi ça doit être elle?"

Virgo found herself chasing after Cammie once again; this time, however she would not give up.

Virgo stepped out from the bar and looked up and down both streets. She saw Cammie a block down walking as fast she could away from the scene. Virgo jogged after her.

Once she caught up, she put an arm out to stop the girl.

"What?" Cammie spat, spinning around. Her face was tear-stained. Virgo's stomach dropped at the sight of the woman she was supposed to love crying. All of the fight had left her. She had no words to speak to Cammie. For all of the years she fantasized about what she could say to her in any situtation, in their first meetings, the first time Virgo had to comfort her, she could think of not a single word to say.

Camme wiped her eyes, glaring at the ground. Her eyes had a far-off look about them and Virgo guessed Cammie was no longer angry with her, but with herself.

"Please, leave me alone," Cammie said softly, her words void of any force, any emotion.

"I can't," Virgo replied, surprised to hear the words coming from her mouth.

Cammie searched the girl's face, trying to understand.

"I can't leave you alone."

"Why?"

Virgo was shaking her head, as if that would be enough of an answer for Cammie. Virgo had no idea what to say to this girl. There were so many things she could say—so many things she needed to say, but no words seemed good enough. So instead, she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around the girl, hoping to comfort her in a time when Virgo believed she was the last person Cammie wanted near her.

But the night was full of surprises and Cammie relaxed into Virgo's embrace. Virgo felt another wave of tears crash over Cammie as the girl cried into Virgo's shoulder. Virgo rubbed her back, hoping to comfort the girl, not knowing what else to do. She was not sure many Soulmates started their relationship off like this.

"It's going to be okay," Virgo whispered in her ear. Because she knew that somehow, it had to be okay. Cammie seemed to calm at these words and as the two girls stood together under the lights of Los Angeles, Cammie began to believe that perhaps it would be okay. She did not know how, or when, but at least she believed there was a way.

"I'm sorry," Cammie mumbled. Virgo just caught the words, uttered so quietly she was not even sure she was meant to hear them.

"You don't need to apologize."

Cammie pushed away from Virgo, looking into her brown eyes. Virgo seemed genuine in her comment; she really did not expect Cammie to apologize for her behavior.

"I do need to apologize. I'm sorry for how I acted. There's been a lot going on."

Virgo nodded and offered Cammie a smile. "I forgive you."

Cammie exhaled and Virgo noticed her shoulders slouch.

"Do you want me to take you home?"

Cammie shook her head. "I don't want to go home."

"Where do you want to go?"

"Anywhere but here."

*

The girls walked along the sand, the ocean water shimmering with the moonlight. They did not say a word the entire ride as Cammie stared out the window. Virgo stared at her. Cammie was absoutely beautiful, even with her face distorted from tears and stress. Virgo wanted more than anything to reach out and take her hand, but she restrained herself, thankful that she was even able to be in the same space as Cammie.

They walked silently down the beach, Virgo peering at Cammie and stealing glances.

Cammie lead them to a Lifeguard tower, the same one she always sat at. Cammie began to climb and Virgo followed suit. Virgo did not know if Cammie wanted to be left alone, but Virgo knew that she did not want to leave Cammie, not when this was the most time she had been able to spend with her Soulmate since her Dream. She would leave if Cammie asked, but until then, she wanted to stay close by her side.

The ocean breeze flitted through their hair, sending chills down the girls' spins. Cammie was wearing jeans and slim fitting tank top. Virgo noticed the goosebumps popping up on Cammie's skin. Silently, Virgo peeled off her jacket and wrapped it around Cammie. Cammie glanced at Virgo, thought for a moment, and smiled. She noticed the slim-fitting t-shirt Virgo wore exposed her arms and Cammie noticed for the first time the details in Virgo's tattoos. Once, she would have thought that was an unbecoming look, but she thought it fit Virgo quite nicely, but she did not say so.

"Aren't you cold?" Cammie asked.

"Not at the moment."

They lapsed back into silence.

"What was it like for you when you realized you liked girls?" Cammie asked, breaking the silence. The question took Virgo completly off guard. Cammie was wasting no time with small talk, penetrating Virgo with her wondering stare.

Virgo considered Cammie for a moment and came to the conclusion that she had absolutely nothing to lose from spilling her guts to Cammie. She had, afterall, already lost her once.

"It was hard," Virgo began. This statement was followed by silence. Her eyes seemed to be playing a movie that only she could see. "When I first realized it, I don't think I let myself stay at home more than just to sleep. I didn't want to tell my mom. I was scared."

"What happened?"

"My mom finally cornered me and demanded to know what was going on," Virgo said with a laugh. "I immediately broke down and told her."

"How did she take it?"

"She knew."

"She knew?"

Virgo shrugged. "Yeah. She said she's always kind of known. I wish she had just told me. It would have saved us both a lot of trouble."

Cammie smiled at Virgo's joke.

"What about your dad?"

"I don't speak with him. I haven't seen him since I was a child."

Cammie could not imagine not speaking with any of her family members. "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. It was fine with my mom and brothers."

"You have brothers?"

Virgo smiles at the memory of them. ""Yes, two older brothers that beat me up constantly."

Cammie returned Virgo's smile.

"Do you have siblings?"

Cammie nodded. "Two. They're both younger."

"What is it like having sisters?"

A small smile played on Cammie's lips as she thought back to the fights she had with Jess, the fights that only sisters could have, especially sisters so close in age. She thought about being with Annabelle and how being a big sister to her was something she loved. She thought about the inexplicable bond she had with Jess, thought they hardly spoke.

"They never beat me up," Cammie laughed. "Although I'm sure my middle sister thought about it enough."

Virgo laughed and a warmth spread through Cammie at the sound. With a smile still on her lips, Cammie turned her gaze to the ocean to distract herself from the strange feeling.

"I don't think we've properly introduced ourselves," Virgo said after a moment.

It was Cammie's turn to burst into laughter, not entirely sure why she thought this was so funny. Virgo couldn't help but join her in laughter, thinking it was the most enchanting sound she had ever heard. She had always wondered what her Soulmate's laughter would sound like in her ears.

"I'm Cammie."

"Enchantée, Cammie."

Cammie raised an eyebrow at the odd sounding word.

"You're from France, right?"

"Yes. Do you speak French?" Virgo asked, peeking up.

"No," Cammie said. Her face colored with a tinge of embarrassment. "I knew you were from France."

"I didn't think my accent was so obvious anymore."

"Well, I saw you at an open mic a few weeks ago." Confusion colored Virgo's face. "My friend dragged me there. I think she somehow knew that you would be there and was trying to get me to . . . I don't know. Fall in love with you?"

"Did it work?"

Both girls laughed.

"It is usually so easy for me to get girls because they love my accent or love that I play guitar. But it seemed that neither worked on you."

Cammie could not help but find herself laughing, especially at Virgo's light teasing. "Really?"

Virgo nodded. "Ce n'est pas si difficile d'attraper les filles américaines."

It was undeniable that listening to Virgo speak French was bewitching. It sounded beautiful, like Virgo's singing. But Cammie would not let Virgo know just how attractive she thought her voice was.

"It's that easy?"

"Yes," Virgo laughed.

Cammie's phone began to buzz in her pocket. She pulled it out to find Savannah calling.

"Where are you?" Savannah asked.

"I went to get some fresh air."

"I don't see you anywhere outside."

"I'll meet you at home. I left . . . With someone."

"Are you coming home with someone?"

Cammie glanced at Virgo. "No."

"Okay, I'll see you at home."

Cammie hung up the phone. "My roommate was wondering where I went."

"Should we get you home?"

"Maybe in a bit. I like being out here."

Virgo smiled. "Me too."

"Virgo?" Virgo glanced at Cammie. "I am really sorry for how I acted. I really am. I'm so sorry I hurt you."

"Thank you. If I can be honest with you, I'm just happy to be able to sit with you without you running away."

Cammie smiled at the joke.

"I don't know what I can give you right now," Cammie began searching Virgo's eyes for what she was not sure. "I was in a relationship for four years and now I'm not. I don't know if I'm a lesbian, bisexual—what. I don't know how I'm supposed to tell my family what's going on. I don't even feel like I know myself anymore. I'm completly lost. And I don't want to hold you back from whatever it is you're doing in life. I'm a mess."

The urge to reach out and grasp Cammie's hand was almost overpowering, but Virgo restrained herself and instead offered the other girl a smile.

"Take all of the time you need, Cammie. I'll wait for you. If you just want to be friends, I want to be friends. If you ever want more, I will be here." Virgo was surprised to hear herself speaking those words: being only friends was never part of her plan, but as she sat next to the love of her life, gazing into her eyes and listening to her sweet voice, Virgo realized she would do anything for this girl, even if it meant spending the rest of her life next the girl as her best friend.

"Thank you, Virgo. Really, thank you."

"Ç'est pas grave ma chérie."

"Don't think speaking French is going to win me over," Cammie laughed.

"Jamias!"

The girls laughed together. Cammie was truly beginning to feel better.

"It's late, should we head back?" Cammie asked.

"Probably."

Cammie began to pull off the jacket Virgo had lent her.

"Keep it," Virgo said. "That way I have an excuse to see you again."

"I think the real question is whether or not you want to see me again."

"I crossed oceans for you. Of course I want to see you again."

Cammie's stomach fluttered. She had not remembered feeling like this since . . . Well, ever.

***

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