Chapter 22

"What are you thinking?" Savannah asked.

The two were making their way home from the bar. It was close to midnight now; they had spent roughly two hours chatting with Virgo and her friends after the show and had only left because the bar was closing. Unofficial plans were made to all meet again and spend a night together.

Cammie, however, couldn't get Virgo out of her head, couldn't get the night out of her head. The euphoria Cammie felt when Virgo played her music still lingered in her veins; the ghost of her hammering heartbeat still vibrated in her chest. But worst of all was that strange sense of longing was growing stronger with each block they moved away from the bar.

Cammie shrugged.

"Do you like her?" Savannah asked hesitantly. She had watched Cammie and Virgo all night: watched how Cammie acted, how she looked at Virgo, her body language, the nervousness evident in all of Cammie's features. After tonight, there was absolutely no doubt in Savannah's mind that there was something there, something that Cammie couldn't fight anymore. Like a magnets, Cammie was drawn to Virgo—she couldn't help it.

Cammie shrugged again, not trusting her voice.

"I really like her," Savannah said. "And Shea and Levi. They're all a lot of fun."

Cammie nodded. "Yeah."

"Cam, it's okay to have feelings for Virgo. If I were in your position, it would be hard not feel something."

Cammie didn't respond. Soon they pulled up to their apartment and exited the Lyft. They made their way upstairs. Savannah unlocked the door and glanced at Cammie.

"I know it's scary, but Cammie, it's very obvious that Virgo cares about you—a lot—not even just from the music she wrote, but everything else. The way she talked to you, the way she looked at you. That girl is crazy about you."

Was this to obvious to everyone except for Cammie? Why was it that everyone could see how much Virgo cared for Cammie except herself? How could everyone see—or perceive—how much she cared Virgo but herself? How was this entire relationship so clear to everyone but herself?

"Tell me what you're thinking," Savannah encouraged again.

Cammie glanced at Savannah, conflicted. She felt a war raging in her mouth: the one side fighting to hold her tongue, to keep her lips closed and keep her from saying something she would regret while the other half wanted to pour all of her thoughts out, explain to Savannah exactly what she was feeling, even if she didn't fully understand it herself. She wanted to scream at her lack of understanding and demand that Savannah tell her why she was the last person to know everything. She wanted Savannah to tell her why this was so hard.

She just wanted answers.

"I hate that I'm last person to know everything. Why is it so easy for everyone else to know how I'm feeling, but I can't seem to figure out how I'm feeling? Why is it so easy for you and Jen to tell me I like Virgo or that Virgo likes me, meanwhile I'm in the dark and I have no idea what's going on? How can everyone else know when I'm not sure how to feel?" Cammie cried.

The frusteration was bubbling in Cammie's chest, the torrent of emotions muddled by the whirpool of confusion.

"Tell me what you're feeling!" Savannah demanded. "Everyone has had to guess at what you're feeling and thinking because you won't tell anyone. So do it now. Tell me what you're thinking Camille. Tell me and be honest with yourself!"

Cammie took a deep breath and held Savannah's gaze for a moment. Her confidence waivered, but Savannah's intense gaze encouraged her to continue.

"I," Cammie began, fumbling over this one word several times before she could spit the rest of her words out. "I really like being around her. I really like being her friend. I just . . . If I let myself," Cammie paused, struggling to produce the words. "If I let myself have feelings for her then it's . . ." Another pause.

"Real." Savannah finished for her.

"Exactly. Right now, I can still pretend everything is normal—that I'm normal—that nothing will change. But if I admit that I like her then. . ."

Savannah nodded; she understood. If Cammie allowed herself to embrace these feelings for Virgo, then the change that Cammie had feared since the morning of her twenty-first birthday would come to fruition; she would have to face the consequences of this decision.

"I'm still scared of what my parents are going to think if I tell them. I can't imagine bringing Virgo home. I just couldn't, even if I did like her."

"Well, I think you're getting ahead of yourself here. Liking Virgo doesn't mean anything. Liking Virgo doesn't mean you're going to get married. Liking her doesn't mean you have to bring her home to your family. You're taking all this in one huge step when you should be taking smaller, baby steps. If you like Virgo, the first thing you should do is tell yourself it's okay to like her. That's what you need to do first. You need to be okay with it. It doesn't matter what I think or Jen or your parents or even Virgo. All that matters is what you think."

"It's never mattered what I think," Cammie said. "It's always been what my parents think. Always."

"Can this time be different?"

"I don't know," Cammie said, shaking her head.

"Why not? Why can't this time be different?"

Cammie shrugged, fighting back tears.

"This isn't school or a job. I know those are important, but this is your Soulmate. This one has to be what you want. I know your parents are hard on you Cammie, but they aren't cruel. They don't want to punish you; they want what's best for you and Virgo could be what's best for you, but you'll never know unless you give her a chance."

Cammie nodded silently, her head still reeling. Deep within, Cammie knew they were only having this conversation because the feelings that were bubbling to the surface were become unavoidable. It seemed that the Dream wasn't wrong; at least, it was becoming increasingly difficult to deny that Cammie felt something. It was a slow process, like a flower blooming, but still, Cammie could no longer ignore what she felt in her stomach each time Virgo's name illuminated her screen. And Cammie definitely couldn't deny what she felt tonight. Between the songs, witnessing another person else hitting on Virgo, learning from Shea how Virgo reacted everytime Cammie texted her . . . She knew that there was something there. Of course, hadn't she known it all along? Isn't that why she ran from Virgo the first time she saw her?

"Sav, I'm scared," Cammie whispered. All of the dark and scary thoughts, the overwhelming anxiety of everything falling apart began to constrict her throat and squeeze tears out her eyes. She felt herself hyperventilating.

"Hey, hey, hey! Calm down! Deep breaths. In. Out." Savannah grabbed Cammie's hands and breathed in and out with her, making Cammie match her own breathing.

"It's okay. It's okay. We're going to get through this together, Cam."

Cammie modded, tears falling freely now.

"Cammie listen: if you like her that's okay. If you like her, you don't have to do anything about it right now. Just let yourself feel. Don't tell Virgo; it's fine. She's in no rush; you're in no rush. Just let yourself feel what you feel for her. And that's it. That's our first step."

Cammie nodded.

"It's okay to like a girl. This isn't going to change anything about your life. The only thing that's going to change is that when you pictured your future you had a husband; you'll just have a wife now. It doesn't change anything, Cam, I promise you."

Cammie nodded again, chewing her lip and wanting desparately to believe the words Savannah offered as a lifeline.

"Go get ready for bed you can sleep with me tonight and we can watch TV."

"I have class in the morning."

Savannah smirked. "You're gay now, you can miss one class." Savannah winked and then laughed, just to make sure Cammie knew she was joking.

Against all odds, Cammie laughed too, grateful to have such a friend.

Cammie returned to her room and began to undress, feeling calmer than she had all night. Savannah was right: if she liked Virgo, it was okay. She didn't have to do anything about it. And that was okay. If she could admit that she liked girls—or if she could admit that she liked one girl—that would be a good step. She could do that much. Admitting she liked Virgo didn't mean anything. Admitting she liked Virgo to herself wouldn't change anything.

As she repeated this mantra to herself, her phone buzzed. Virgo's name illuminated the screen. Cammie couldn't keep the smile that came to her lips automatically at the sight of her name, though it was coupled with a small pang of anxiety.

Hey, you're probably already asleep because it's way passed your bed time, but I wanted to say thank you for coming tonight. I had fun meeting your friends! Shea and Levi really liked you guys too :) bonne nuit

Cammie smiled and put her phone down. She decided she would reply in the morning.

Despite the late night, Cammie couldn't let herself sleep through class. She woke up right on time, slipped out of Savannah's bed, and quickly dressed herself. She rushed out the door and onto her bike to make it to campus. She locked the bike up near her class and shuffled across campus.

Thoughts of the night before were still spinning through her head: what did she think about Virgo? Without realizing why, Cammie began to look at girls she passed on campus—really look at them, study them, figure out if she could find other girls attractive. She knew that she really never gave girls a passing thought, but then again, she never really had given many men a passing thought either. She didn't actively walk around campus and deem men attractive or unattractive. She had always been too preoccupied with other things to really notice the people around her.

For example, she would have never noticed Adam if Savannah hadn't gotten involved and if Adam hadn't constantly hung around. Prior to him, she couldn't remember talking to Savannah about boys—ever. Once she dated Adam, she never found herself looking at other people because she had been with Adam, so what was the point? But now that she was single, Cammie thought she should try and figure out whom she was attracted to.

Cammie passed by many men and women on USC's campus as she walked to class, but she could not say with definitive certainty that she found women attractive, or if she found women any more attractive than men. Of course she thought girls she passed were pretty, but did that mean she was attracted to them? She also thought men were objectively handsome.

This experiment didn't really seem to help.

Cammie arrived to her class and collapsed into her seat. She pulled out her laptop and scanned the room as it turned on, trying one last time to make anything stir within her at the sight of another man or woman. She sighed when nothing clocked and opened a new document for notes. As she waited, she recalled Virgo's text from last night and opened her computer to reply.

It was really fun thanks for inviting us :) I really liked meeting your roomates! Let's definitely all hang out again soon :)

Cammie paused for a moment and then looked up what "bonne nuit" meant, thought she already had a guess. It translated to "good night." So Cammie hopped into Google Translate and typed in "good day."

Bonne journée :)

Cammie smiled at herself for being so clever. After, she noticed she had another unread text. She clicked to open it and was surprised to find a message from her sister. She hadn't spoken to her in weeks.

Are you going to the party for dad's thing?

Cammie rolled her eyes but smiled. It was so like Jess to pretend that they had just spoken yesterday; she wasted no time with pleasantries.

Yeah why?

Mom is begging me to go.

Doesn't she ask you to come every year? You just haven't the last 2

Idk shes annoying me

lol well are you going to go?

Idk I don't want to

I don't think anyone wants to... but we have to go anyway. Or at least I do since I'm close

Should've gone to school out of sate :)

Shut up

Cammie closed her messanger app and opened up her notes screen as the professor walked in. She poised her fingers over the keys, ready to being, when another message from Jess popped up. Cammie quickly glanced at it.

How are you? I haven't heard from you in a while

Cammie was touched; Jess usually didn't bother keeping up with her sister. It wasn't that she didn't care, she just had other things going on. And to be honest, Cammie wasn't the best at keeping in touch with her sister either, especially during the school year

You know same old same old, Cammie replied.

You busy tonight?

Nope

Wanna FaceTime?

Sure :) 8?

Yeah talk to you then

Cammie smiled. She hadn't spoken to her sister in a while; it would be nice to catch up.

Eight o'clock came faster than Cammie realized. Her phone was vibrating with a picture of her sister on the screen. Cammie answered the phone and waited for the call to connect. Jess' smiling face greeted her on the other end.

"Hey," Jess grinned.

"Hey, I miss you."

Jess laughed. "Yeah I kind of miss you too. I'm surprised."

Cammie rolled her eyes but appreciated the time that she was getting to spend with her sister.

"Okay, so what's new with you? How's Washington?"

"It's still raining. But other than that good." Jess filled Cammie in on how school was going, her friends, and life in general. "Nothing really significant though. It's the same. There's an art show when we get back from break that I have to do. Nothing special though. What about you?"

"You always act like your art isn't a big deal, but don't you always win awards at your school?"

Jess smiled.

"So? What's going on with you?"

"Well, I'm really not looking forward to that stupid party dad has every year," Cammie complained.

Jess laughed on the other end of the phone. "Yet another reason I'm happy I go to school two states away."

"I wish you were there. I've always hated that party. But it's even worse now with you gone. At least when we were in high school it was bearable."

"Get mom and dad to but my ticket home and I'll go."

"Seriously?"

"Yup. You have to let me stay at your apartment though. I don't wanna stay with mom and dad."

"Deal!" Cammie agreed. "I'm definitely going to have to lie though. I don't know that they'll believe you actually want to come home. But I hope they'll say yes since Mom is already calling you to come home."

"You're the favorite child so I don't think they'll say no to you."

Both sisters laughed, but Cammie felt the tug of anxiety on the edge of her laughter. She was the favorite child, but for how much longer?

"So," Jess began. "How's everything been going? It's been a while since we talked. I'm sorry I've been bad about keeping in touch."

"So have I. School's just busy you know?"

"Yeah. So what's new?"

Cammie considered the question. A lot, actually.

"I don't know, the same. School as usual. I'm just studying and trying to get good grades."

"Any new developments with the girl?"

The question threw Cammie and she was unable to compose herself before Jess detected the change that came over Cammie.

"What aren't you telling me, Cam?"

After a long pause and much contemplation, Cammie decided to tell her sister everything as she knew it so far, including her conversation with Savannah last night and her inability to decide how she felt about Virgo and her mounting frusteration with herself. Once Cammie finished, she released a loud breath. Jess was silent on the other end.

"Well? Say something."

"Well, I know we aren't the closest siblings," Jess began. "We never were close in high school and we drifted farther apart in college."

Cammie frowned. Where was she going with this?

"But I'd like to think ever since you told me about your Dream we've gotten closer."

"How do you figure?"

"I think that's the first time you've ever been honest with me and completely real."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. I've always felt you've had this wall up around you the entire time we were growing up. You never really shared your thoughts or feelings with anyone. Maybe Savannah, but definitely not me." Jess pauses in thought. "I don't know, I guess I never really felt like I knew you. I didn't know my own sister."

A wave of guilt crashed over Cammie. She had no idea she had distanced herself from Jess or that it made Jess feel alienated. It explained so much of their childhood: why Jess was never around, why she went to school so far away. It was no secret that Jess didn't get along with their parents, but Cammie had always liked to think the two of them were close.

But how could they be close when Cammie never really confided in Jess? Never really told her what was going on underneath. Cammie never told Jess about the time her mother had all but put a stop to her art career, instead pretending that she was being realistic about her future. Cammie never told her about Adam until everyone at school was talking about it. Cammie never talked to Jess about anything important, so of course Jess had never felt close to her older sister.

"I'm sorry," Cammie all but whispered, her voice feeling constrained.

"I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad. I'm not saying you were a bad sister."

"But I wasn't a good one."

"No, that's not it either. We just weren't close and it's no one's fault. But I'm not saying all this to make you feel bad. I'm saying this because for the first time in our lives I feel close to you and I feel like I actually know you."

Cammie smiled, trears pricking the corners of her eyes.

"I know what you mean. Telling you about my Dream changed a lot for me."

"I agree. And now if I can be so bold as to tell you what I think about everything—"

"Yes, please. Tell me what to do."

"It really sounds like you like her. Like more than a friend."

Cammie didn't answer.

"Why aren't you doing anything? It's obvious that she likes you."

"That's what Savannah said."

"Savannah's right. And you said you're the only person who doesn't know what's going—that's such bullshit. You obviously know you like her and she likes you, you're just not admitting it for whateer reason. Why?'"

Cammie chewed her lip. "I don't know."

"Are you still scared of what Mom and Dad will think?"

Cammie was ashamed to answer. She heard Jess sigh on the other end.

"I just want you to be happy and I'm not sure if you're ever going to find that happiness if you let Mom and Dad's expectations overshadow you. Seriously, once I moved to Washington and got away from them I've never felt more like myself."

Cammie chewed her lip. She had been talking to her parents less and less these days and she had to admit she felt more free. But she always prided herself on being close to her family. So where did that leave her?

"I guess I'll think about it," Cammie said.

"What have you got to lose? Mom and Dad don't even have to know until you're ready to tell them. Date her for a week, a month, 10 years before you tell them. There's no rush to tell anyone. But I think you owe it to yourself to at least try Cam. What if she's everything you've needed?"

The thought sent butterflies through cammie's stomach.

"Listen Cam-Cam," Jess said, using her childhood nickname. "I don't know this girl at all. The only thing I have to go off of is your relationship with Adam. And what you're telling about this girl already proves to me you care about her more than you ever did with Adam."

"It's not that I didn't care—"

"I know. I'm not saying you didn't care. What I'm saying is you like her more than you ever did Adam. I've never heard you talk about Adam the way you talk about Virgo. I've also never seen you so conflicted about something. You just kind of let Adam date you. It never seemed like it was something you chose. But this girl is making you fight for everything. This just shows me that you care about her a lot."

Cammie chewed her lip.

"I'm not sure what to do," Cammie confesssed.

"Like I said, you don't have to do anything yet. Just... I don't know, accept that you like her."

"I guess."

"I'm coming home for Spring Break. Pick me up from the airport and then invite her over. I want to meet her."

Cammie blushed. "That's way too forward! And meeting my sister seems like a big deal."

"Well you're friends aren't you? I've met your friends plenty of times before and it wasn't a big deal. I just want to meet her."

"Yeah, But—"

"You said yourself you're only friends right now. If you're only friends meeting me isn't a big deal. If it's more than that, then I definitely have to meet her because I'm your sister."

Cammie laughed. "Okay fine, just tell me when your flight comes in."

"Well, tell me when I get a flight. Don't forget to ask Mom and Dad for me."

"I'll call them as soon as we hang up."

"Deal. So I'll see you in two weeks?"

"I hope so."

Cammie ended her call with Jess and felt better after it. Jess and Savannah's advice aligned almost perfectly, so Cammie took this as a sign that she had to do something—and that something was start pursuing Virgo in whatever capacity she could manage.

"Okay," Cammie muttered to herself, her mind mapping out the future.

Cammie noticed she had an unopened message. When she opened the app, she realized the message was from Virgo. The reflexive smile crept onto her lips once again.

Tu parles français maintenant ?

Cammie laughed and typed out a quick reply.

Google translate

Je vais t'apprendre le francais :)

What?????

I said I will teach you French :)

lol good luck I'm terrible with languages I don't remember any of my Spanish from high school

hahaha it won't be hard I promise

Suuuuure

Cammie's fingers hovered over the screen. In a surge of confidence, Cammie decided to invite Virgo over to the house.

Do you have dead week next week for grad school?

Dead week?

We get a week off of classes before midterms to study

Oh yes we do! I didn't know it was called that

Want to come over and watch those rom coms I was telling you about? As a study break?

That sounds like a perfect study break :)

Which days are you free?

I work Saturday-Wednesday next week

Thursday?

That's perfect

Cammie stared at her phone: she just invited Virgo over to their house. Her heart began to hammer in her chest with anticipation.

I need to study for midterms so maybe I'll see you at work?

I'll prepare the espresso :)

I'll see you tomorrow then?

I can't wait

Virgo's last message sent excitement shooting through Cammie's veins and a wild smile sprawling over her face. There was no way she didn't like Virgo when that girl made her feel like this.

***

Thank you all so much for reading! This story hit 1k reads (which I know isn't a lot in comparison, but I'm so happy to know that people are enjoying this story and continue to support it)! I appreciate each every one of you know reads this, comments, votes, or sends me messages. You guys are awesome and you keep me going. :)

Until next time!