Chapter 31

The drive home from the airport was not at all what Cammie expected. After her exchange with Virgo, she believed there would be tension between them, enough for Jess to sense it; however, Jess' chatter into the car carried them into their apartment where Savannah picked up any slack on Jess' part and the entire situation seemed to be put on hold for the time being. Virgo, for her part, didn't seem the slightest bit off, but Cammie couldn't be sure if she was truly recovered or much better at hiding her emotions than she realized. Cammie herself felt awkward still, but did her best to push the anxieties aside.

A couple hours before the party, the group of four girls decided to pre-game the party and began drinking with the aid of games. They began with Uno. The rules weer simple: whoever got a plus card played on them had to drink. In an unspoken agreement, everyone targeted Cammie and by the end of the game, when Jess finally played her last card victoriously, Cammie had finished her entire beer, whereas the other girls had taken a few sips here and there. Cammie protested against what she believed were the injustices of this game, but everyone's laughter drown her out.

Savannah pulled out a deck of cards next and they played King's Cup. They placed a full can of unopened beer in the center of the table and explained the rules to Virgo.

"It's pretty easy," Savannah explained. "Each time you draw a card from the deck, it means something different. We'll just explain the cards when they come up. Once you're done, you put the card under the tab of the can and whoever breaks the seal has to chug the beer."

"Okay," Virgo nodded, unsure of this game.

Savannah started and drew a Queen. "Okay, so I'm the question master now. If I asked a question, whoever answers first has to drink. Does that make sense?"

Virgo nodded. "Yes."

The other three girls laughed and pointed to Virgo, shouting "Drink!"

After a moment of confusion, Virgo realized she had immediately answered Savannah's question and laughed, taking a drink.

Savannah shoved her card under the tab of the beer can and Cammie went next, drawing a two.

"You," she said. "That means I get to choose who to drink. I choose Savannah."

Savannah grinned and took a drink. Cammie placed the card under the tab.

Jess drew next and drew a five. "Drive."

Savannah explained: "Basically you have to 'start your car' by making a revving sound. Then it goes around and you have to turn your wheel and say 'vroom.' The way you turn the wheel dictates which player goes next. If you say 'skir' like the sound of tires squealing, you go the opposite way, like the reverse card in Uno."

"What," Virgo asked, completely baffled.

Jess laughed. "Okay, maybe just accept that you're drinking this time."

Virgo frowned. "No way. Let's go."

The girls all placed their hands in front of them like they were grasping a steering wheel and began to make revving noises to 'start their cars.' Cammie started by turning her wheel to the left. Savannah turned her wheel to the left, as did Virgo and Jess. Once it came back to Cammie, she made the ridiculous "skir" sound and turned the wheel in the opposite direction. Jess followed suit and turned the wheel in the same direction, bringing it back to Virgo, who turned her wheel to Savannah, who switched it up and turned it back to Virgo, who inevitably messed up and laughed when she had to drink.

Virgo drew the next card, which was an Ace.

"Waterfall," Savannah said. "Basically you start drinking and the person after you can't stop until you do."

"Easy enough." Virgo tipped back her drink and began chugging her beer. Jess followed suit, then Cammie, and finally Savannah. Virgo finished her drink easily. Jess, taking a little longer than Virgo, decided to finish hers too and make Cammie keep drinking. As soon as Jess stopped drinking, Cammie immediately put her unfinished drink down and glared at her sister and Virgo, gasping for breath.

"I hate you guys."

They all laughed and Jess poked fun at her sister for never being able to drink that much.

The girls went around the table, drawing different cards, laughing, making Cammie drink more than any of them.

And, of course, it was Cammie that the tab broke under and she was forced to drink the entire beer while the others chanted "drink mother fucker, drink mother fucker, drink!" Virgo eventually learned the words after the first few "drink mother fuckers".

Cammie slammed the empty can on the table and crushed it with her hand, taking a deep inhale of air.

"You guys suck," she announced.

"No, you just suck at these games," Savannah teased.

Cammie rolled her eyes, but a small smile was cracking at her lips. She felt the anxiety slowly seeping out of her veins while the intoxication overtook her senses.

The girls called a ride and as they piled into the car, both Cammie and Virgo hesitated to determine where they should sit. Virgo didn't want to sit next to Cammie, because she believed that Cammie didn't want to sit so close to her. Cammie wasn't sure if she should sit next to Virgo or apart from her, especially after their earlier conversation.

In both of their indecision, Jess slid into the far seat, leaving only two seats next to each other. Cammie squeezed herself into the middle seat, follow by Virgo, who stared out the window during the drive, doing her best to keep their arms and legs from touching. For her part, Cammie pretended not to be fazed by the closeness of the two in public, reasoning that anyone squished together in the back seat of a small car would be this close and it was nothing out of the ordinary.

When the girls arrived at the party, their ears were met with a thumping of the bass. When they entered the house, they were greeted with happy chatter, music, and cries from drinking games.

"Hey guys, you made it!" Jen said, greeting them at the door. Introductions were made: Jess was introduced to Jen and Jen's roommates were introduced to the group, among a random assortment of her other friends they encountered as Jen gave them a short tour of the house.

"Let's go. Savannah and I challenge you two to beer pong," Jess said when the group stopped the table.

"No, I suck," Cammie protested.

"You don't want to play because you'll lose? That's lame."

Cammie rolled her eyes.

"Jen," Savannah called, bringing her over to the table. "Cammie doesn't want to play. Be Virgo's partner?"

Jen agreed and the four of them began to play while Cammie watched from the sidelines, chewing on her lip and watching how carefree everyone was. She wished she could join them and not care, just have fun, be herself, but she felt the chains of anxiety restraining her, holding her back.

Cammie watched as they all laughed. She watched as Virgo was unapologetically herself, as was everyone else. Cammie's eyes rested on her sister: watched as Jess was exactly who she wanted to be; Jess didn't let anything hold her back. A pang of jealously and sadness struck her heart, melting together into a black beast of self-loathing. What did she have to do to be like her friends? Her sister? Virgo? They all made it seem so effortless. Why couldn't she just let go like them? Why couldn't she make it easy? Why was there always this barrier between the self she showed the world and the self she wanted to be?

Frustration consumed her. Cammie made her way to the drink table to concoct a mixture of something strong. If she couldn't be someone else, maybe she could forget who she was, even if it was just for the night.

The drink was strong and she hated the taste, but Cammie continued to sip on it while she hung back, becoming a wallflower and observing the room. People danced, people talked, people laughed. A small group kept looking over at the Beer Pong table, watching her friends, watching Virgo.

The game ended with Virgo and Jen's defeat, Savannah and Jess enthusiastically trash talking the team. They were all laughter.

"You're Jen's friend, right?" A man asked, walking up to Cammie. She glanced up and recognized him as one of Jen's roommates.

"Yeah, Cammie."

"Chris, nice to meet you."

"You too."

"So how do you know Jen?"

"We met at a club."

Chris laughed. "That sounds like Jen. She'll talk to anybody."

Cammie smiled and agreed. That was exactly how it happened. Jen an infectious personality and you couldn't help but like her.

"Are you gay too?" Chris asked.

Cammie's heart became ice and her eyes widened in panic.

What? Why would he ask that?

Chris seemed to sense Cammie's immediately discomfort and quickly apologized. "I'm sorry. I just asked because you're friends with Jen and you met her at a club. Usually she only goes to gay clubs, so I just assumed. I'm sorry."

Perhaps it was because this man was a complete stranger, or perhaps it was the alcohol that seemed to take hold of her mind, but Cammie found herself explaining.

"No, no. It's fine. I didn't know if it was obvious or something, because I guess I don't really know, honestly. My Soulmate is that girl over there." Cammie pointed to Virgo, who had started another game of Beer Pong, this time the teams switched.

"Oh," Chris said, his voice coated with a mixture of surprise and confusion. His exclamation made it seem like he was waiting for Cammie to explain. "Congratulations on finding your Soulmate."

"Thanks."

"You don't seem excited about this."

Cammie shrugged.

"It's complicated."

"Didn't know you were gay?"

Cammie shook her head.

"What's holding you back? No one in LA cares, honestly."

Cammie considered this. She supposed there to be some truth in that statement. Chris had asked Cammie if she was gay as easily as if he had asked her name. Would it always be so easy?

"My parents, I guess. And I don't know if I really believe no one cares."

Chris sipped on his drink. "I mean, maybe some people care, but their opinions don't matter."

When Cammie didn't reply, Chris spoken again.

"That's like you, a complete stranger, telling me you don't like my shirt. I happen to love this shirt. So I really don't care if you don't like it."

Cammie considered this a moment, then retorted, "What if Jen didn't like it?"

"Jen doesn't have to wear it."

"She has to look at it."

"No she doesn't."

Cammie's words got stuck in her throat. She considered Chris' remarks.

"What if your parents hated your shirt?"

"I don't live with my parents anymore, so they really don't have a say in what I wear."

"What if your parents were paying for your wardrobe. Then would you wear what they wanted?"

Chris considered this more a moment.

"Why are my parents paying for my wardrobe?"

"Because they were buying you clothes that you thought you wanted."

"Well, then I would tell them thank you, but I've changed my mind about what I'm wearing."

"What if you couldn't afford to buy new clothes?"

"Then I guess I'd get a job and figure it out. If wearing what my parents want me to is more important than wearing a shirt I loved, then I would wear the clothes they wanted for me. But if I got to wear this shirt I loved, and it was more important to me than what my parents wanted me to wear, I guess I would figure out a way to wear it. I take my independence a little more seriously, so I wouldn't wear what they wanted."

"Well, I hope you really love that shirt."

Chris grinned and raised his drink. "I hope you really love that girl."

Cammie's stomach dropped and she looked over at Virgo who laughed with her sister. Was Virgo worth more than her parent's opinions and financial support?

Virgo and Jess chatted while they played their game of Beer Pong, first about nothing, then Jess decided to dive headfirst into the topic she wanted to address. Though they were sisters, Jess was as unlike Cammie as an apple was to an orange; Jess always spoke her mind.

"So, what's going with you two? Cammie's seemed a little weird today," Jess asked.

"It was that obvious?" Virgo asked, waiting for Jen to throw her ball.

"I mean, more than usual."

"Is she always like that?"

Jess shrugged. "I think she's always a little off, because she's trying so hard to fit in, always worried, always anxious."

Virgo considered her for a moment, then explained the situation in the car.

"Don't take it personally," Jess replied. "I know that's hard, especially when she's your Soulmate, but honestly that's just Cammie. Everything makes her worried. She's always been so anxious, especially if it means that anyone could think badly of her."

Virgo hummed. "Being with me would make people think badly of her?"

Jess shrugged.

Virgo positioned herself and tossed her ball, a satisfying plop signaling the elimination of a cup. A strange concoction of emotions swirled within her belly. All at once, she felt anger, irritation, impatience, and frustration.

"I'm sorry, Virgo." Jess said sympathetically. "Having my sister as your Soulmate has got to be a form of torture in itself. Being her sister is a headache sometimes."

"I wish she didn't care so much about what other people thought."

"Me too."

"She told me how worried she is about what your parents will think and what they will do if they find out."

"And she's right to. I think they'l take it very badly, honestly. My mother didn't speak to me for an entire week when I told her I declared myself an Art major."

"Jesus."

"Yeah. She's intense. If you thought Cammie cared about what other people think, it's ten times worse with my mother."

Virgo tossed her ball as she considered this.

"Why does she care about what you and Savannah think? Haven't you told her you don't care?"

Jess shrugged and tossed her ball, which bounced off the tip of a cup and rolled to the floor.

"I don't think it matters if we tell Cammie it's fine. It's not real to her until she understands it."

"How long will that take?"

Jess shrugged with an apology. Virgo hid her scowl. So the answer could quite possible be: never.

"I know. She's just been influenced by our parents so much it's difficult for her to do things that make her happy. But, I think this is a good start. I know that you make her happy. I've never seen her like this."

Virgo raised an eyebrow at Jess in question. "How have I made her happy? If anything she seems more stressed out." Virgo motioned to the room. "I don't even know where she is."

Jess glances at Virgo, then quickly at Cammie, who she saw watching their game.

"I think when she dated Adam, she just kind of did it because everyone expected her to. But I don't know that anyone expected her to be with you. She wants to be with you, even if it's hard for her, because this certainty wasn't part of her plan." Jess paused in thought. "It's nice to see her finally letting go and becoming herself."

A warm feeling was spreading through Virgo's chest at the thought that she was at least a small reason why Cammie was becoming happy, why Cammie was finally becoming herself. But was that all she was meant for? Was to make Cammie a little bit better of a person? Would Cammie ever actually accept her as her partner?

That small voice that taunted her this morning returned, harassing her, telling her that Cammie would never choose her, not over her parents, her reputation, her future. Sure, Cammie had made leaps and strides, but it wasn't enough. In just two days she seemed to relapse, collapse in on herself and revert to that scared child. Virgo felt that Cammie was ready to flee.

"But how long am I supposed to wait?" Virgo asked.

This wasn't truly meant to be said aloud; it was mean to to be more of an internal question. As it left her lips, Virgo realized how selfish it sounded. But deep down she knew it was the truth: she knew she would grow tired of the whiplash she felt at each change of Cammie's emotions. One moment, she was desired; the next, she was pushed away.

"I feel like a fucking yo-yo."

Jess sighed. "I don't know. I think you wait as long as you're willing. I honestly don't know how long it will take to get Cammie to come around for good. She's got to face our parents. Until that happens, though . . ." Jess trailed off.

"J'en ai marre," Virgo muttered.

They finished the game of beer pong, in a victory for Jen and Savannah, leading everyone to realize that Jen was the reason for victory.

"I need a drink," Virgo said, excusing herself. The group agreed and followed her over to the table to begin pouring. Cammie watched them all from her position on the wall, still chatting with Chris.

The girl who had been inexplicably interested in the beer pong game approached Virgo at the table and began to chat with her. Virgo's back was to Cammie and Chris, so all they could see was the girl.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say that girl was hitting on your Soulmate," Chris pointed out.

Cammie looked closer. Not an expert at flirting, Cammie took Chris' word for it. A strange mixture of jealousy, guilt, and defeat mingled in her chest. Cammie felt both like going over there and confronting the girl and just allowing it to happen. Virgo was her Soulmate, after all, but Cammie felt so pathetic, unable to show her Soulmate any affection or give any indication that they were together.

"You're not going to do anything about it?" Chris asked.

Cammie shrugged. "I feel like Virgo gets to make her own choice. It's not like I'm doing anything."

Chris frowned and gave Cammie a hard look. Cammie, however, didn't notice; she couldn't take her eyes off the two of them talking. Virgo scanned the room and finally found Cammie, their eyes locking together.

Cammie offered a weak smile. Virgo gave her a disappointed look before turning away and going outside, shoving her hands in jacket pocket. The girl followed her and Cammie's heart broke.

"Excuse me, Chris. It was nice talking to you." Cammie made her way over her group.

"There you are," Savannah said.

"Yeah, hey. I was talking to Chris."

"Some chick is out there trying to flirt with Virgo," Jen said, assessing Cammie's reaction, who masked her face and shrugged.

"She can do what she wants," Cammie said nonchalantly.

"Damn it, Cammie you're being fucking pathetic," Jess snapped. Cammie was immediately taken aback. Her sister had never spoken to her like this. When she glanced at Savannah and Jess, they looked mildly uncomfortable, but didn't disagree.

"So that's what you all think, huh? You think I'm pathetic?"

"Yes, we do." Jess spoke for the group. "It doesn't even seem like you care about Virgo."

"I do—"

"No, you don't. You only care about yourself. You're selfish, Cammie."

"No, I'm not. It's just that—"

"It's just that what? You care more about your own image than Virgo?"

"Jess, that's not true."

"It is though. We all watched you just now. We all watched as you were passive, once again."

"That's not what happened. Virgo deserves to be with someone who isn't ashamed of her."

"So you're ashamed of her?"

"No, not her specifically. . . "

"So you're okay with some girl fucking her as long as the girl is fine with being gay?"

Jess' words were flung like bullets, meant to sting, bite. Cammie flinched, but was unable to to respond, too shocked to formulate words.

"If you don't get your shit together soon, Virgo is going to leave and you'll have no one to blame but yourself. If Mom and Dad are truly more important to you than your own happiness, then you're more pathetic than I thought. I hope you live a long happy life with them, under Mom's thumb, at the law firm where Dad will dictate every single move. I hope that you really, truly find happiness when all you have left is Mom and Dad. Because us," Jess motioned to everyone. "We'll find our Soulmates, our dream careers, a good life, and we'll be happy. And you? Who found her Soulmate so quickly, you'll be the miserable one here. So please, Cammie, just fucking choose. Don't keep stringing her along while you play your little game. It's not fair."

Savannah and Jen looked abashed, unwilling to make eye contact with either sister. Jess was seething. Cammie couldn't think of a single word to say.

"It's not that easy, Jess," Cammie squeaked, feeling small.

"No one said it would be."

Silence. Tears were brimming in the corners of Cammie's eyes. Savannah reached our a comforting hand that Cammie shrugged off.

"You know," Cammie finally said after a moment. "I am trying. So fuck you guys for not seeing that."

Cammie quickly turned on her heels and went outside in search of Virgo. She found her smoking, the girl she was with earlier still hanging around. Her heart surged with jealousy, but was immediately calmed when Cammie read the completely uninterested and irritated expression Virgo wore.

"Hey," Cammie said, hoping it was dark enough outside to hide her dried tears.

Virgo looked over.

"This is . . ." Virgo trailed off, not remembering the girls name. The girl, oblivious to the situation, quickly introduced herself.

"Hi." Cammie said flatly, not bothering to introduce herself. "Can you give us a second?"

The girl began to protest, coming up with some vague excuse about she couldn't leave.

"You need to leave," Cammie said, irritated. "You've been hitting on my Soulmate all night and it's starting to piss me off."

The girl's eyes widened and she scurried away. Virgo cocked an eyebrow at Cammie, wondering where this would lead.

Cammie sighed and looked at Virgo. "Can I talk to you?"

Virgo nodded.

"I'm sorry for how I've been acting today."

"You scare me." Cammie nodded. "I'm bed this morning, I told you that I was scared you would leave and never come back. And it's like each thing that you do just confirms this. I'm not confident in our relationship at all. I don't even think you can call it a relationship. I don't even know what we are."

Cammie stayed shamefully silent while she nodded her head. Everything Virgo said was true and Cammie knew that words alone would not assuage her Soulmate's fears.

"That's it? You have nothing to say?" Virgo asked.

"I don't know what to say. It's not like anything I say is going to change anything."

Virgo flicked her cigarette to the ground and stamped it out.

"No, I guess not." Virgo sounded exhausted. "But I thought you would at least try."

Tears brimmed once again in Cammie's eyes. They silently fell from her cheek. Virgo wiped them away wordlessly.

"I don't think you will ever choose me over your family."

Cammie wanted so badly to tell her that this wasn't true, that she would choose Virgo, that she would tell her family, but the words were stuck in throat, thick. Did she not truly believe them herself? Is that why she couldn't speak?

"I think I'm going to go home. Good night, Cammie."

Cammie began to panic, the scene on the beach replaying.

"Wait, wait, Virgo," she stuttered.

"Cammie, please. I don't want you to kiss me or apologize or anything unless you mean it."

"I don't regret kissing you!"

"Maybe not. But I'm hurt and you have to understand that. I've given you time when you've asked and now I need time. Everything was so perfect, then reality came back and I realized once again the problem in the first place. It hasn't gone away. It's still there. It might always be there. It doesn't matter how much you sleep with me, or kiss me, or hold my hand, or tell me that you care about me. I'll always be thinking about you leaving, about what's going on in the back of your head."

"I was honest with you from the start though," Cammie protested. "I told you from the start that this wasn't going to be easy. I told you I wouldn't even know if I could hold your hand. You said you were fine with it!"

"I'm allowed to change my mind."

"Then I'm allowed to struggle with this."

"Cammie, there's no one here who even cares if you're gay! Not one person! Jess and Savannah and Jen don't care and you won't even be with me at this party. You let some other girl hit on me and did nothing about it."

"Because I don't want to hold you back! If I can't give you what you want then someone else should!"

"Listen to yourself! Do you hear what you're saying? Have you even been listening when I'm fucking talking to you? I told you that I loved you! Does that mean anything to you?"

"Of course it does! If it didn't mean anything to me I wouldn't be standing here! I can't just run away to another country and forget about my problems. My parents control everything."

"Because you let them! Look at Jess! You let yourself be controlled. You let all of this happen and you won't do anything about it."

"So you think I'm pathetic too? Is that what you all talked about? How pathetic I am?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Jess told me I was pathetic before I walked out here. That I was pathetic for letting our parents control me."

Virgo gritted her teeth, holding in her anger as best she could.

"No, I don't think you're pathetic. But I think that you aren't doing anything to change your situation. You worry about things, but you won't do anything to change them."

"I'm fucking trying."

"It doesn't show."

Cammie exploded. All of the anger and resentment she's felt for years, building up suddenly released.

"What do you from me?"

"I want you to care about me."

"If you can't see that I care about you then you're fucking blind! Maybe it doesn't seem like it to you, but I've grown. I've changed. Maybe it's not fast enough for all of you, maybe it's not big enough for all of you, but I'm fucking trying! I know I'm a coward. I know I'm pathetic." Cammie began crying, tears streaming down her face as she finally had enough courage to defend herself. "But I'm better than I was."

Virgo reached out a hand again to wipe the tears away, but Cammie stepped out of her reach.

"I know I haven't been the best girlfriend to you. I know I haven't been the best friend. The best anything. I know I scare you. I know my head is all over the place and I'm dealing with these outrageous worries. I know all of this and I thought you did too. I thought I was honest with you from the start about what this would be. And I'm sorry if that's not good enough for you. I'm sorry if you want more or something different." Cammie spread her arms or wide, gesturing to herself. "But this who I am. I'll always be worried about what people think of me. I'll always be anxious. But I'm trying to change and if you can't see that or it's not good enough for you, then that's fine. Jess is right: I dug my own grave so I can lay in it. I'll deal with the consequences. But even if I never feel like I can be my true self, even if I've never been honest with myself, I've been honest with you about who I am. I've been honest about my fears. About what being with me will mean. And if that's not what you want, that's fine. Be with someone who you want to be with."

Cammie huffed after her monologue, tears streaming down her face.

Virgo stood there stunned, the anger and betrayal she was wearing like armor cracking and falling away.

Cammie shook her head, the tears still falling.

"You know, Virgo? I know that I've been selfish. I know that I've let my parents control me and I'm trying to figure this out. But you're selfish too. You don't get it. You had it so easy. No one in your family cared that you were gay. No one even batted an eye. Your family loves you no matter what. See what happened when Jess told our parents she wanted to study art? Art! And they pretended like she didn't exist for a week. I'm living in fear of what will happen once I tell my parents not only that I'm gay, that I'm in love with a woman, but that I don't want to be a fucking lawyer. That I don't want to follow in their footsteps, that I don't want the life they had. You have it so fucking easy and you don't even realize that. You can just go to another country and live your life, always knowing your family has your back, that they support you. Well I don't have that luxury. I'm done apologizing for how I'm dealing with this. Maybe it's not the right way, maybe it's selfish, maybe it's hurting you—and for that I'm sorry—but I'm dealing with this the only way I know how."

Cammie took a deep breath, Virgo still standing in stunned silence.

"Virgo, I've chosen you. I chose you that day on the beach. I think it's time you choose too. But if you choose me, just remember what that means. Just remember that you're going to have to deal with my shit. I won't hold it against you if you decided to leave. But just know that I chose you and I'm fucking trying."

Virgo opened her mouth to speak, but Cammie continued on. "You stay. Have fun. I'm going home."

Cammie turned on her heels and left, moving through the house quickly, her head down, ignoring the calls of her friend. She saw Chris on the way out and frowned.

This wasn't a fucking shirt. This was her life.

***

Thank you everyone who has continued to support this story and welcome to all the new readers :) You guys are all amazing! Thank you for making this story possible with your continued support, votes, and comments. :) I hope everyone had a good holiday season :)