Chapter 34

One Month Later

Shea peeked his head outside after scouring the inside of the apartment in search of Virgo. He found her on their patio, legs tucked under herself, stuffed into a chair. A cigarette lazily dangling between her, the smoke trailing upward. In the other hand Virgo twirled a pen over a notebook with worlds scrawled across the page, crowded with underlining, cross outs and circles. All around the patio lay crumpled balls of paper tossed aside.

Wordlessly, Shea seated himself next to Virgo and reached for her pack of Camel Silvers, pulling out a slender roll. Virgo tossed him a lighter she produced from the pocket of her jacket. He lit the cigarette and inhaled, blowing smoke over the city.

"I thought Levi said you couldn't smoke anymore," Virgo observed, losing interest in Shea and returning to her notebook once again.

"What Levi doesn't know won't kill him."

"It might kill you."

"You still do it."

"I'm French."

Shea chuckled and sucked on his cigarette for a moment longer, tasting the flavors of the tobacco. A comfortable silence washed over them as Virgo scribbled in her notebook and Shea watched the traffic roll by.

"So, what's up?" Shea finally asked after finishing his first cigarette and reaching for another. Virgo lifted her notebook as if that was a sufficient answer. Shea shook his head to indicate that he wouldn't accept that answer. "You've been out here all day. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"You've been weird the last couple of weeks." Virgo met Shea's gaze and held it, challenging him to say more. Unperturbed, Shea barreled on. "Is it Cammie?" When Virgo continued to give him that blank stare, he grimaced. "What happened this time? I thought things were going a little better? Not that I would know, you never really talk to me or tell me what's going on."

"I didn't know I had to tell you everything."

"Friends usually tell friends some things."

"I haven't felt up to talking."

"Do you ever feel up to talking?"

Virgo narrowed her eyes. "Things are not going well with Cammie, no."

There was a pregnant pause between them.

"Why are you so closed off to everyone?" Shea finally asked.

Her glare intensified. "What are you talking about?"

Shea rolled his eyes. "Don't talk to me like I'm a fucking idiot. You literally never talk about yourself or share anything with us. You've always been so closed off. You're so," Shea paused, searching for the right word. "Private."

Virgo plucked a cigarette from the box while she considered Shea's words. He tossed her back the lighter. After taking a drag, she looked at him once more, her expression softened.

"Am I?"

"I hardly know anything about you and I'm supposed to be your best friend."

Virgo shrugged dismissively and focused on her cigarette.

"What are you afraid of?"

"Why would I be afraid?"

"Don't most people share things with their friends?"

"I share things with you."

"Only when I ask."

"I don't want to tell you things you don't care about."

"I'm your friend, V. I care about everything." Virgo gave him a hard look. "Why don't you trust anymore?"

Virgo pushed aside her notebook and faced Shea, her face painted with disbelief. "Why? Because everyone leaves. My fucking father abandoned his family because he wasn't happy. Cammie is constantly running from me, pushing me away. Why would I care to let people get close to me when these things happen? I called my mother and she told me I am naive. She told me that I expect everything to be perfect and I have my head in the clouds. It is as if she thinks that I am living in some fantasy world."

"Why did she tell you this?" Shea asked gently.

Virgo quickly relayed the debacle with Cammie at the party, including the part where Cammie called Virgo selfish. When Virgo concluded her tale, Shea hummed in thought.

"Yeah, it's always hard when someone holds a mirror to you. It's never easy to see your fault."

Virgo puffed on her cigarette and did not respond. Shea waited patiently while Virgo wrestled with her own demons. From experience, Shea knew Virgo tried to hide her faults, her fears, her insecurities. In this way, he realized she was similar to Cammie, whom he realized also tried to hide her shortcomings. But who wasn't guilty of that? Were they all not in a pursuit to put their best selves on display? To show the word that they had everything figured out? This is the facade that Virgo tried so desperately to display. Shea had to admit that she had him fooled for quite a while, but eventually the cracks in the mask became visible, too obvious, and the charade failed. Virgo tried to bury herself deep inside a fairy tale, one that spoke lies that everything would be okay, that everything would work out. She neglected to deal with the pain and insecurities of her father leaving, causing her to be ill-equipped to deal with Cammie.

Of course, Shea knew all this, had worked it out for himself as he sat across from Virgo, but he did not say so. He knew that Virgo was not the type of person to take advice or instruction—she was a do-er and needed to figure this out by herself.

The friends lapsed into a silence once more while Virgo blankly stared out over the city. Shea picked up a crumbled paper from the ground and smoothed it over his knee. This page was written in French, so he could make out only a few words. After living with Virgo for some time, he knew that Virgo expressing herself in her native tongue indicated introspection.

Shea leaned over and collected a few more pages, smoothing them out and reading them. He caught a few lines written in English. As he put them together, he learned that Virgo was trying to write new music. The last year, all of her songs had been about Cammie, about this love that she had yet to meet. Once they met, all of the songs were filled with anger and longing. Now Shea found a page with words depicting her dedication and love for Cammie. He also found a page where her heart decried what she believed to be the unfair treatment and analysis of her naivety.

You say my head is in the cloud

That I live in a dream,

A wonderland of my own creation

Far from reality

But was this world not created for a purpose?

Was this not a fort constructed for protection?

If I can't see outside the walls

Then I can live in this ignorance

If I can't see outside the walls

Then I can feign my indifference

Shea glanced up from the page to observe Virgo once more, to study his friend more closely. What he saw before him was a heavily guarded vault, securely locked down and unwilling to open. He thought about their years of friendship and how during that time he really did not know much about Virgo. Shea liked to believe he knew her well, but he also understood he only knew what Virgo wanted him to see; Virgo was always careful to hold her cards close her chest. Shea liked to believe he knew a little more than Virgo would have liked, but that information was only gleaned from hours, days, years of friendship, of careful observations.

If Shea had to summarize Virgo's ideals and attitudes about life, he believed it would best be said in these few words: never look back. Virgo continually pushed forward and never stopped long enough to consider herself, her actions. Virgo was constantly in motion.

"You're right," Virgo said. It had been some time since she spoke and the sudden sound of her voice surprised them both. "I ignore everything that might be wrong and I try to cover anything bad."

"Why do you do that?" Shea asked, hoping to prompt Virgo to dig deep within herself. Her initial reaction was to shrug, to not deal with it, to just keep moving. But she knew that was no longer an option. To continue forward, to keep herself in motion, meant losing Cammie and quite possibly herself in her endless pursuit for unencumbered happiness. To continue forward meant to be her father. To continue forward meant she would lose herself.

"Because I am scared," Virgo finally said, voicing the truth that she had so long tried to avoid, to ignore. "I'm scared of what trusting means, of what staying means. I have looked for happiness and fulfillment everywhere except where I am. I came to the United States looking for Cammie. Or I thought I was. But I realize now I was looking for happiness to fill something that was missing in me."

Shea nodded.

"I thought I was looking for my Soulmate and that is how I justified my constant traveling, my constant movement. Then I found Cammie and she didn't want me and I felt that my life was meaningless, because I told myself I was moving to look for her. So when my purpose didn't want me I was left with nothing. Nothing but myself and the realization I was scared to be alone and to be with myself." Virgo looked at Shea and for the first time in their friendship he saw tears glimmering in her eyes. Her voice dropped to a whisper and Shea strained to hear the next words. "I'm so scared to be alone. I'm so scared of people leaving me. I never stopped long enough to think about this and admit it to myself, but that is the truth. That is my greatest fear and now it is right here, right in front of me, and I must face it."

Shea continued to nod his head but declined to speak while Virgo wrestled with her emotions and the sudden bleak epiphany.

"My mother told me I have my head in the clouds, but I suppose it was on purpose that I did that."

Virgo swallowed down her tears and took a deep breath. After an inactive moment, she reached for a cigarette to occupy her hands and mind.

"So what do you think this means?" Shea asked.

Virgo shook her head in confusion.

"What do you want to do? I mean, this all started because Cammie called you selfish and told you that you needed to choose her, right? That's why you called your mom and that's why you're out here now."

"Yes, I suppose."

"So what are you going to do? You know what the problem is now. Are you going to tell this to Cammie?"

"I don't know."

"So are you going to keep running?"

"I don't want to."

"I guess your third option is to stay here and not be with Cammie and work out your shit by yourself."

Virgo had to admit that wasn't the most appealing option. Despite the difficulties, the thought of not being with Cammie still stuck a painful blow to her very core.

"Perhaps working to better myself for my sake and Cammie's is the best option."

Shea shrugged, feigning indifference. "Maybe, but how can you work on your fear of being alone without someone to risk?"

"Well I would learn to be okay with being by myself."

"Maybe you could be with Cammie and be okay with the risk of things ending."

Virgo puffed on her cigarette in contemplation. "Cammie said I had to choose her and I thought I did. But I chose the comfort that I thought she would bring. I have to admit I wasn't ready to face difficulty. I thought everything would be easy."

"You should tell her that."

"I don't know if being with her right now is the wisest move."

"Why not? What would you do differently?"

Virgo shrugged. "I don't know. Find myself. Figure things out. Maybe I should return home."

"You biggest problem is that you don't trust people and you close yourself off. Start with trusting the one person in this world that you should and open up to her."

"How can I trust someone who has left before? A Soulmate isn't a guarantee that everything will work out perfectly."

"No, it's not. But your mom told you to work hard for it, right? V, I love you, and I know it's hard to trust and know that everything will work out. It might not, but having those negative thoughts of 'it might not work out' isn't a good enough reason to not do something. That's like saying you never want to get on airplane again because it might crash. Sure, it might, but the chances are slim." Virgo hummed in thought. "But Cammie has been working her ass off to make this work, V. She really has. And I know it's difficult for you to see because you're the one that gets the brunt of it. But from an outsiders perspective, she's done so much for you. It's hard, but she's trying. I can see it."

Virgo considered Shea's proposal.

"So what should I do?"

"You need to go talk to her."

"What if she doesn't want to see me?"

"I don't think that's going to happen."

"If it does?"

"What if it doesn't?"

They stared at each other.

"Should I text her? To see if it's okay? I'm not even sure where she is."

"Let's start with her house. And no, don't text her. Let's make this romantic."

"I'm not going to just show up on her doorstep."

"That's exactly what we're going to do. Now take a shower and brush your teeth you smell like cigarettes and self-pity."

Virgo nervously drummed her fingers on the side of Shea's car as she directed him to Cammie's house.

"What do I say to her?" she asked.

"Tell her what you told me. Tell her what your mom told you. Just be honest with her."

Virgo nodded her head and took a deep breath. She racked her brain trying to recall a time she felt this nervous, but nothing came to mind. Virgo mused that move from France had been less intimidating. In a moment of empathy, Virgo wondered if the bundle of nerves and anxiety that she was currently experiencing was the same sensation that Cammie often felt. If so, Virgo owed her an apology; this was certainly not a pleasant feeling to sit in.

After a car ride that seemed to both last an eternity and end too quickly, Shea pulled in front of the apartment complex.

"I'll wait here for a few minutes and if I don't hear from you I'll just assume she let you in."

Virgo remained glued to the seat, her hand resting limply on the handle. Stuck in her head, trying to psych herself up, Virgo willed her body to move from the car, but she felt paralyzed.

"Qu'est-ce qui t'en empêche?" Shea said in his thick American accent.

Virgo turned, wide-eyed. "I haven't heard you speak French since we lived in France."

"I remember some things," Shea answered sheepishly.

"Thank you."

Virgo couldn't bring herself to say anything more, for fear that she would crack again, begin to cry and breakdown. How could she have been so naive? To push everyone away that she cared about, to keep them at a distance when all anyone ever wanted to do was love and protect her? Shea had been trying to convince her of this since they became friends, but it took until now to finally accept his help, his friendship.

"Go get your girl."

Virgo took a deep breath. She sincerely hopped that Cammie accepted her apology—and her love—after all of this. Virgo hadn't spoken to Cammie in a month. What kind of damage had she inflicted? Was it repairable? Virgo silently hoped it was.

She pushed open the door handle and crossed to the bottom of the stairs of the two-story apartment. She gingerly placed her hand on the railing to steady herself. She took one last look at Shea who threw her an enthusiastic thumbs-up. Virgo nodded and forced her legs, which now felt like jelly, to move up the stairs. Once she made it up, her hand hung limply by her side. She willed herself to raise it and when she finally did, her first hung in the air. Mustering her courage and counting down from five, she forced herself to knock. It was light, barely even audible. Virgo wasn't sure what she hoped would happen. After what seemed like an eternity, Virgo was certain no one was home and made to turn, accepting defeat. In that moment, the door to the apartment was pulled open and Cammie stood outlined by the light of the apartment.

"Virgo." Cammie spoke her name as if she was seeing a ghost.

Virgo took Cammie in fully, looking her up and down. A mixture of longing and regret vied for attention; her heart burned with desire and despair. Cammie stood with her hair wrapped in a sloppy bun and an oversized sweater, her right hand covered in pen ink from studying.

"Cammie," Virgo began, breathless, but her words were lost in her throat.

Cammie stood, her hand resting on the door handle, feeling as though she were in a dream. Comme un rêve was the expression that came to mind, recalling Virgo speak it to her on a morning long lost.

"What are you doing here?" Cammie asked.

She tried, on several occasions, to speak, to explain herself, but it all failed, and instead implored Cammie with a longing look to decode the reason for her visit, to understand the desires of her heart. Cammie shook her head and stepped aside, allowing Virgo into the apartment.

"Come inside." Virgo meekly entered the apartment and glanced around; nothing, except for Cammie, had changed. Though she had bags under eyes and seemed more tired than Virgo had ever known, she seemed to stand taller, as if she now exuded an air of confidence that was otherwise unknown before. "Do you want anything to drink? I was making tea."

"Yes, thank you."

Virgo sat down at the table while Cammie busied herself in the kitchen. Virgo glanced at the sprawl of textbooks and notes spread across the table. More law. Virgo chewed on her lip: nothing had changed.

Cammie set the two mugs down in front of them and pushed her books to the side, closing them and stacking them one upon another. Virgo watched, unwilling to make eye contact with the very girl she was here to see. In the pile of textbooks, she noticed a beginning French book at the bottom on the pile. She stole a glance at Cammie who failed to notice.

"How are you?" Cammie asked, leaning into her the warmth of her mug. The way she spoke almost made it seem like she was talking to a stranger.

How was she supposed to answer?

"Not good," Virgo answered honestly.

"Oh, I'm sorry."

Virgo shook her head. "No, it's my fault. I've been thinking a lot about what you said to me."

"Oh." An awkward silence stretched between them. "I thought you made your decision. I haven't seen or heard from you in a month."

"I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have disappeared like that."

Cammie shrugged. "You don't have to apologize, I just thought you made your choice; I wasn't mad at you."

"You weren't mad?" Virgo asked, recalling how she reacted the first time Cammie told her no.

"Of course not. I gave you the option to choose and when you made your choice, I accepted it. I was sad, of course, but I couldn't blame you."

"I haven't made my choice," Virgo said.

Cammie studied her, eyebrows scrunched together in thought, creating the same face Cammie often made when she was deep in concentration, trying to decode some difficult subject.

"Why are you here, Virgo?"

"To ask your forgiveness."

"I don't understand."

Virgo took a deep breath and began.

"I spoke to my mother and to Shea and searched myself during this month. At first I was very angry with you for the words you said to me. Then I was angry with my mother for the words she said to me. For this month I wrestled with myself." Virgo paused and looked into Cammie's eyes, imploring her to understand, to give her grace. "I am almost twenty-five. I thought I had myself figured out. I thought I had everything figured out. Then you come into my life and you blow it all up. You showed me that I had many things to work on. You showed me I had to grow as a person and it was hard to take. It was hard to hear. So I pushed you away, like I have done to almost everyone in my life. I didn't realize I did this until you put a mirror to me and I was able to see myself clearly for the first time in my life."

Cammie silently listened to Virgo's tale. Virgo explained to Cammie the issues with her father, how he left their family and left Virgo feeling abandoned. The only way she knew how to deal with that, she said, was to live in a fantasy world where she believed everything was perfect. She thought that if she focused solely on her Soulmate and poured all of her energy into that, into that idea of happiness, she would be okay. Once she found her Soulmate, everything would be righted, all of the pain and emptiness she felt would be filled.

"I was wrong. I was more wrong about that than anything else I had ever believed. And you must understand how painful it was for me to discover this and how painful it was to heal from that," Virgo said, begging Cammie to understand. "I put all of my expectations on you and when you did not meet them—how could you?—my world began to fall apart."

"I understand," Cammie replied. "I understand how hard it is to change, especially if you have this one idea of yourself and it's suddenly ripped away. I'm not mad at you Virgo. Not at all. I'm the furthest thing from it. I can't imagine what you went through as a kid and I can't imagine what it feels like right now to suddenly have to deal with this." Virgo nodded, the sudden urge to cry becoming almost overwhelming, but she resisted. "Whether we like it or not, we're Soulmates. I know it's hard for us both. I know we've both hurt each other. I'm not totally sure where we go from here: whether we go our separate ways, whether we stay friends, or if we become more. I think that's up to you, really. But I'm here for you, no matter what you choose."

Virgo nodded, biting her tongue to keep the tears back. How could she tell Cammie that the deepest desire of her soul was to be with her? To love her fully in the way that she deserved and not in some twisted version where Cammie was merely a means to an end.

"You have a choice in this too," Virgo said, struggling to control her voice.

Cammie offered her a comforting smile. "Virgo, I've already chosen you. I've already chosen us. I told you that at the party."

"I know you said that, but your family and—"

"I already told them about you."

Virgo blinked. "What?" she replied dumbly.

"I told them about you. Last month, when I went home. I told them about you, about us."

Virgo was speechless.

"It didn't go well. I haven't heard from them this entire month. I don't really know what they're thinking, but I told them."

"What happened?" Virgo asked. Cammie told her. "Putain."

Cammie laughed.

"Why did you tell them? You knew it would be bad, so why take this risk?"

Cammie smiled again and Virgo found comfort in this new confidence she felt emanating her; Cammie had mastered herself, allowed herself to feel assured. "I told them because I chose you. Once I did that, there was nothing that was going to hold me back from you. I didn't want any excuses anymore. I told myself that if you chose me too, if you truly loved me and wanted to be with me, then I had to do this."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want that to influence your decision."

"Merde."

"Virgo," Cammie said and waited for her Soulmate to look into her eyes before continuing. "I love you."

It felt as if the wind had been sucked out of Virgo's lungs. Did Cammie really just tell her that? Did her Soulmate, the love of her life, the one she crossed oceans for, the one that ran away and came back, tell her that she loved her?

"I love you, too."

Cammie pushed her chair back and quickly moved around the table to embrace her Soulmate. Virgo stood in time to catch Cammie as she flung herself into Virgo's arms. The girls hugged, pressing their bodies into one another, sighing all of their stresses, worries, and love into the other.

"I love you," Cammie whispered into Virgo's ear. "I love you so much. I'm so happy I can finally tell you."

Virgo kissed Cammie's cheek and Cammie immediately turned to kiss Virgo full on the mouth. Tears sprang into both of their eyes as they embraced and loved each other fully, allowing themselves to be vulnerable, completely naked in their insecurities and struggles, to be completely themselves.

They pulled apart and took pleasure in the simplicity of being able to hold each other, kiss each other, gaze into each other's eyes. Their hearts, their souls, longed for each other and to finally have the deepest desire of their hearts met drew them to passion.

"You're so beautiful," Cammie said, running her fingers along Virgo's jawline, the shyness that Virgo remembered Cammie to possess only last month seemed to vanish. A blush covered Virgo's cheeks causing Cammie to giggle. "Is someone shy now?"

"Non, pas de tout," Virgo answered, leaning in to kiss Cammie once again. Cammie wrapped her arms around Virgo's neck, pulling herself closer.

"Come with me," Cammie murmurer against Virgo's lips. Virgo followed Cammie wordlessly down the hall to her room. Cammie locked the door behind them and gave Virgo a look she instantly recognized. Without a word, Virgo pinned Cammie against the door and kissed her passionately, her hands roaming her lover's body.

Without thought, Cammie pulled Virgo's shirt over her head and threw it aside. Virgo did the same, pausing only to kiss down Cammie's neck and linger on her collarbone. A sigh of pleasure escaped Cammie's lips.

"Je t'aime," Virgo murmured against Cammie's skin.

"Moi aussi."

Virgo shivered.

Their clothes were peeled away one by one and tossed away until they were left in only their underwear. Virgo continued to pepper Cammie's body in kisses, admiring the body before her. She ran her hands all over her lover, as if she was uncharted territory and she was crafting a map. Every mole, freckle, curve, and scar was committed to memory.

They collapsed into the bed, hungrily kissing, drawing each other near.

Virgo paused, pulling away from Cammie to rake her eyes over her Soulmate, to take in her beauty. Much like the first time, the girls stood in awe of each other, marveling at the attraction they felt toward one another.

"Are you sure you want to . . . ?" Virgo asked tentatively. Her movements grew hesitant, unsure.

Carefully, Cammie cupped her hand around Virgo's cheek and gingerly caressed with it with her thumb.

"I've never wanted anything more."

Virgo broke into a smile and kissed her Soulmate passionately. She broke away from Cammie's lips and moved down her neck, stopping to capture Cammie's nipple in her mouth and caressing it with her tongue. A soft moan escaped Cammie's lips as she sank into pleasure. The sound sent shivers down Virgo's spine.

She moved down Cammie's body, trailing kissing down her stomach and kissing just above her underwear line. Virgo kissed the inside of Cammie's thighs, creeping closer. Virgo hooked her fingers under the fabric and raised a questioning eye to Cammie, asking permission. Cammie nodded, the fleeting moment of fear, apprehension, and nerves vanishing the moment Virgo tugged them down from around her waist and threw them aside.

The moment Virgo's tongue made contract with Cammie, she moaned, the ecstasy sending thrills through her body. Virgo started slow, sending waves of euphoria through Cammie. As she increased her pace, so did Cammie's breathing. Her heart raced in her chest and the stimulation of Virgo's tongue moving against her made her feel as though her head might explode. Just when she thought she couldn't take anymore, Virgo pulled away and slipped her fingers inside of Cammie, who cried out in pleasure. Virgo sighed over Cammie, her breathing equally labored. Cammie arched her back, pressing herself into Virgo as she moved her fingers in ways that Cammie never knew was possible. Virgo continued to kiss, suck, and bite all over Cammie's body while her fingers moved inside of her. Each moan that escaped Cammie's lips sent shivers Virgo's spine and increased her desire her lover. Cammie dug her fingers into Virgo's back, pulling her down closer, holding on tight while Virgo made her experience pleasures she had never known. Cammie felt like she couldn't catch a breath as wave after wave of euphoria exploded.

Their bodies moved together as one as Virgo explored every part of Cammie, moving within her, causing her lover to rock with delight.

"Virgo," Cammie moaned, biting Virgo's shoulder, her muscles tightening. She felt Cammie growing weaker with each thrust of her hand and just as thought she was close to finishing her, Cammie flipped their position and was suddenly on top of Virgo, covering her in kisses, her hands working their way over her nipples.

Unsure of herself, Cammie mirrored what she had felt Virgo do and it seemed to pay off because not long after, Virgo herself was moaning Cammie's name.

"I love you," Virgo said between breaths.

The girls moved together, their breathing identical, their gasps and sighs of pleasure feeding off of one another and growing. Virgo cried out, her body shaking with release. The girls collapsed next to each other, their chests rising and falling with the effort of making love.

Cammie pressed a soft kiss against Virgo's lips.

Virgo gazed into Cammie's blue eyes, losing herself in the ocean before her. She studied the dark blue line that outlined her iris and studied the gentle fade to white toward her pupil. Virgo wanted to wake up to these every morning, forever. Cammie wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of her life with her Soulmate.

***

Thank you all for your continued support! I apologize for the delay, but here it is! Hope you enjoy!