– Chapter 190

Selene

“I can’t do this for much longer,” I groan, staring out the windows at the glittering skyline of tartarus. Blaise will be holding court in just under an hour, and my night will go the same of every night that has come before. His servants will dress me in a ridiculously expensive gown, I’ll wear it for a sum total of one hour while the aristocrats of the Calypso pack whisper at me behind their hands and Blaise fawns over me. I’ll eventually excuse myself from dinner with the excuse of nausea, only to return to my rooms and wait for Blaise to turn up and try to paw me. I’ll hypnotize him and send him to bed, then lie awake agonizing over Bastien, Lila and our future.

Weeks have passed but nothing has changed, and things aren’t getting any easier. I’m getting more confident in using my magic and practice most of the day, but as I become more adept my body grows weaker. My pregnancy is progressing just as it should, but carrying twins takes more of a toll on my energy, mood and health than carrying Lila did, and I find myself sleeping almost as often as I’m awake.

“You just have to hold on a little while longer.” Helene encourages, patting my hand.

“I don’t have a while.” I argue, “I’m getting bigger every day, and twins almost always come early.” The doctor didn’t share this piece of news with me, but I found a few books in Blaise’s extremely neglected library and discovered that I can expect my babies at 36 weeks instead of 40. I’m frightened and heartsore, and every milestone that would usually fill me with joy – like feeling the first gentle kicks in my womb – fill me with dread.

“You still have months to go, Selene.” Helene attempts to soothe me, “And the rebels are getting closer to putting their plans in motion every day.”

“Well tell them to hurry up already!” I exclaim, throwing my hands up and pacing away from my mentor. Helene remains silent behind me, and as the seconds tick by, I feel increasingly guilty for taking such a tone with her. “I’m sorry.” I murmur, wrapping my arms protectively around myself, “I just miss Bastien, I miss Lila, and I’m terrified of still being here when the new babies come.” My eyes burn with tears, “what if I never see my family again? What if Blaise wins?”

“Of course you’re scared, darling.” Helene responds sympathetically, “but you can’t let your fear consume you. You have to keep fighting.”

“How are they? How are Bastien and my father?” I question, thinking of all the other fears which suddenly seem too inconsequential when all our lives are at stake: like the fact that I promised Bastien he wouldn’t miss this pregnancy and am now breaking my word, or the very new concern that I might never get to meet my father, when I’ve only just learned that he still lives.

“Your mate is formidable and determined.” Helene answers, “As long as you’re alright he’ll suffer any discomfort.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of.” I sigh. “I don’t want him to suffer for me – he’s already been through so much.”

“If it makes you feel any better, he’s not being harmed.” Helene assures me. “He’s caged, but Blaise has no reason to torture him the way he…”

“The way he tortured my father?” I guess, finishing her thought when she cannot.

“Yes.” She agrees.

“I wish I could see them, even just for a few moments.” I confess, trying to concoct a plan to get down to the dungeons unseen for the thousandth time, and coming up short yet again.

“Is Blaise still promising you proof of life?” Helene inquires, wrapping her bony arm around my shoulders.

“Yes.” I utter blankly, “If I’m good.” Of course the problem with this guarantee is that the tyrant gets to decide what good means, and when he will make good on his word. Every time I ask he says the same thing: all in good time, pet. “I’ve thought about hypnotizing him to take me to see them, but I”m not strong enough. It takes all my energy just to keep his lust at bay.” I share.

“You just have to keep taking it one day at a time, and trust fate.” Helene instructs.

“That’s a lot easier said than done.” I grumble. “Fate led us here in the first place. I can’t just sit back and let my life fall to pieces around me.”

“That isn’t what I’m suggesting and you know it.” Helene scolds, “People make terrible mistakes when they second-guess the Goddess’s plans. It doesn’t mean you give up or become passive and just let the world toss you about, it just means that everything is meant to happen in it’s own time.”

“And if the Goddess intends for me to lose my children?” I growl, “what then?”

“Selene, you must remember that Volanas are the embodiment of the Goddess’s power on earth, she would never sacrifice them.” Helene reminds me. “You and Lila are the last surviving members of her line. It’s not my place to assume I know her mind, but if I had to guess, you’re here with Blaise for a reason. He’s been hunting her children for far too long, and you have a chance to put a stop to all of that.”

I take a step back, unused to hearing Helene speak so openly about her divinations. She’s normally vague and infuriatingly cryptic, but she must think I’m on the edge of giving up to speak so plainly. However, the idea that this might all be in the Goddess’s designs for the survival of my bloodline doesn’t comfort me one bit. “I don’t want to serve some higher purpose.” I snap, “I just want my family to be whole and safe.”

“I know that, little mother.” Helene murmurs, “but none of you will ever be safe as long as men like Blaise are hunting you. If you and your children survive, Volanas might not be an endangered species in another few centuries. You have to fight for their future.”

“Why did she even create us anyway?” I ask, “I mean what good are we doing by being here? What use is giving a few women extra powers, especially when it makes them targets for monsters?”

Helene studies me closely, and I can feel her worry as if it’s my own. Even if she wasn’t telegraphing the emotion to me, her continued presence here would be proof enough. Her visits to my room are normally very brief – it is no easy feat for her to bypass all the guards and secret police to reach me, and if she’s caught all our plans could be at risk. However here she stands, making no indication of an imminent departure. I must really be going off the rails.

“I don’t pretend to understand the Goddess’s ways Selene, but I know that the less magic in the world, the worse off all people will be.” She explains thoughtfully. “If I had to guess I’d say she created Volanas to be stewards of her light, trusted guardians of the magic which keeps the world turning. Perhaps if you had not been hunted so terribly men like Blaise would never have come into power, perhaps shifter societies would be more just. Or maybe not.” She shrugs, “All we can say for sure is that she must have had her reasons, and that’s good enough for me.”

“Well if she wants me to survive, then why did she do this, why did she allow hunters to be born in the first place?” I hiss, feeling more and more angry at our beloved deity. “What kind of god stands by and lets their creations suffer?”

I have the feeling Helene desperately wants to roll her eyes, after all she’s told me repeatedly she doesn’t know the Goddess’s mind, yet I cannot quell my outrage. I cannot contain my fury with the entire world and everything in it. If suffering to build character was the idea, have I not suffered enough? Have I not lost and sacrificed enough to reach this point? Why must I suffer more? Why must my innocent children suffer?

“Selene, I know you’re angry, and I don’t blame you.” Helene confides, “And one day, I hope you find the answers to your questions. All I can tell you is that the way I see it, benevolent gods grant their creations free will, because otherwise we would all be prisoners. And these are the consequences – these are the risks of allowing people to make their own way in the world.”

“So I have to fight Blaise to take back the freedom that should have been ours in the first place?” I demand incredulously. “I don’t accept that. I don’t want to fight Blaise, there has to be another way.” I speak the words as a cry of dissent, but they come out a plea.

“If you can find another way, I will gladly follow you.” Helene vows, “but I cannot see a path that does not lead to Blaise.”

“And you cannot be sure if I’ll even succeed if I face him?” I press softly.

“No.” She confirms. “I cannot.” She moves forward to take my face between her wrinkled hands, “But I’ll tell you this much, Selene. If you don’t face him, you will fail. There’s no doubt about it.”