The Boy Behind the Mask

I tapped my pencil against the table as I stared down at my psychology book. I was in the library trying to pass time as I waited for Jayden to get here. Surprisingly, we had gotten along pretty well over the course of the week. We did argue but it was the fun light hearted arguments that guy friends had – nothing serious. While Jayden did still poke fun at me and give me indirect playful threats, I just tried to be myself and be nice. I could tell that he was starting to loosen up around me which was a good thing. Yet, I still found it ironic how he hated me just a few weeks ago and now we're best friends – all over the course of me getting my teeth knocked in and apologizing. It was weird but I guessed that Jayden found respect for me throughout all that. It did take a rare certain strength to stand up to one of the kids like him plus I had the nerve to genuinely apologize for initiating it in the first place. Maybe he saw that I wasn't like most of the other kids in our school. Maybe he was finally starting to realize that I was different.

I jumped as I felt a hand softly slap me in the back of my head. I quickly turned around in my chair to see Jayden standing behind me with an amused smirk on his face. His emerald eyes were bright with mischief and I could tell that he was pleased with my response. Unconsciously, I felt a smile arise onto my own face at the sight of him. "Hey," I said. "Was that hit really necessary?"

"Yes," Jayden said simply as he sat down beside me. "Remember: just because we're being cordial doesn't mean that I can't get sneak shots." I rolled my eyes at him before I noticed he had sat down the fourth book of Tiger's Curse on the table. Jayden raised an eyebrow at my surprised look before he followed to where my eyes had gone. "Oh yea," he said. "I'm pissed at you. That's what the hit was for." I raised my eyes back to his face to see that he was staring at me with a straight face.

"You're pissed at me? For what?"

"About the ending of that series." I opened my mouth to interject but he held his hand up. "Nope, I don't want to hear it. I cried and I felt like a teenage girl and that was not okay." A laugh escaped from my lips without my consent as I shook my head at him. "You're evil. You broke my heart. If there's more tragedy in that Mortal Instruments series I'm reading next than I'm going to straight kick your ass from here to China."

"Then I guess I'm in a lot of trouble," I said as I smiled at Jayden. "I'm surprised you read all four books that fast. I wasn't expecting you to finish them so quickly." He shrugged.

"I thought they were interesting and they held my attention pretty well. Besides, I like to read at night and I was having a hard time sleeping so I passed the time with them."

"You couldn't sleep this week? Do you have problems sleeping often? Do you have insomnia or something?"

"No. I just can't sleep sometimes." Jayden's voice had lowered when he said this and I figured that there was more to that statement than what he was letting on. I wanted to question more and get the truth out of him but at the same time, I didn't want to push. We were making progress with getting him out of his shell. I didn't want him to close back up on me. I was enjoying the less-mean side of him. He pulled his notebook out of his bag and set it on the table. He opened it and flipped through various pages of drawings to reach one page that had a new unique drawing on it. He grabbed a pencil and leaned on to continue putting the final touches on it. "Don't overanalyze it," he said without looking at me.

"I'm not," I said. Jayden rolled his eyes, showing his disbelief at my statement. While I did want to comment on his gesture, I was too distracted by his drawing. This time, he had drawn what looked like an angel. The creature was a male with a very detailed, muscular build. He was shirtless and only sported a pair of dark pants. Behind him were huge, voluminous wings that were stretched out in all of their glory. Jayden had drawn the wings to seem both strong and delicate at the same time. I could see a good half of the feathers that made up the angel's wings. There was also a detailed tattoo of a cross on the inside of the angel's left bicep. His arms were constrained up above him by thick black chains that flooded down from the top corners of the page. There was a mixture of raw sorrow and pain on the angel's face, his mouth wide open as if he were screaming in agony. My eyes flicked to Jayden's hand that was lightly drawing various bloody cuts and bruises on the angel's body. "What happened to him," I asked curiously.

"I don't know. I only draw the picture I have in my mind; I don't analyze the background story. Do you have any bright ideas as to how he ended up here?" Jayden's eyes flicked to me and I noticed that he looked interested in what I was about to say. In fear of being paralyzed once again by his eyes, I looked back down at the picture.

"Well, I was thinking that the angel could have been one of the Fallen. Or maybe he was just a rogue angel who went against God's wishes or something. Anyway, he ended up getting caught and he was punished for the crimes that he's done. This scene here could be the end of his punishment...the part where they rip his wings off. From the look on his face, it seems as if they're still inflicting pain on them." I looked back up at him to see that he was staring at me with a raised eyebrow. "What," I asked him as I felt blush creep up my cheeks.

"Why don't you write stories or something?" He asked as he tilted his head. "You big head seems to have a wild imagination. I bet there are plenty of good stories in there." I shrugged.

"I've never actually thought about being a writer, actually."

"Why not," Jayden countered quickly.

"I just never thought that I had the talent for it. I mean, I'm more into sports and stuff. Sure I like to read but I don't think I could actually sit down and write a book. It takes a really good, patient person to do that." Jayden stared at me for a moment with a blank expression before looking back down on his drawing. "Besides, I already have my career plan mapped out."

"Oh yea," Jayden said lowly. "Pre-med. Tough stuff."

"Yup, more than six years of advanced schooling but it'll be worth it in the end."

"Yea because then you'll be rich," Jayden mumbled under his breath.

"No," I said harshly. "Being a doctor isn't about the money for me. I wanna help people and change lives and make a difference. I only chose to be a doctor for the benefit of others – not for myself."

"Sure," Jayden murmured as he drew in another cut on the poor angel's body. "Whatever you say, white boy."

"Why do you call me that?"

"You are white, aren't you," Jayden said, his voice taking a sharp turn. He didn't even glance at me to see my reaction as he said this. He just kept drawing. I opened my mouth to say something smart but decided against it. No matter what I said, it would still come down to the basics. I was Caucasian and that was that. "Case rested," Jayden murmured. I rolled my eyes at him but decided to change the subject.

"What do you wanna be when you get out of high school?"

"I'm going into the Marines," Jayden replied quickly. He didn't even think about his answer before it came out of his mouth. It was if it was automatic or something. I wasn't surprised at his answer though. For some reason, I could imagine him dressed in the black, red and gold dress uniform, holding a rifle with a straight face. Somehow picture just seemed right in my mind. The professional stance seemed to fit him in a way.

"Why," I asked slowly.

"It's a tradition, I guess you could say. My dad is a marine, my grandfather was a marine, and my great-grandfather was and so on. Ever since my roots started to settle in America, they were in some aspect of the army. It's just what we Delgado men do."

"Are you scared? I mean, that's going to be...a lot."

"Nah. I'm probably already used to it," he said softly. "But I'm not afraid." He began to tug a chain out from the inside of his shirt. The long chain was a thick gold that held a gold based, diamond encrusted pendant. Jayden turned the pendant over to the non-diamond side to point out an engraving. I leaned close to get a look at what the small words said.

En Dios confiamos. En Dios que servimos. En Dios estamos protegidos.

"In God we trust. In God we serve. In God we are protected," Jayden translated for me. "I have no reason to be scared about all of the bad things in the world or about the horrors I'm going to face while I'm in the service or even the problems I face in my life because I know God is watching – I know he is protecting me."

"I never thought that you were religious," I blurted out without thinking. Jayden quickly tucked his necklace back into his shirt as he spoke next.

"There's a lot of things I am that people would never think," he said lowly and a bit bitterly at that.

"Tell me about your life," I said causing Jayden to look at me with a raised eyebrow again. "I want to know." I could see that he was caught off guard by my statement. I bet that he didn't think I really cared about his life or his struggles or even his triumphs. But I did. I wanted to know what the mystery behind Jayden Delgado. He hesitated, his emerald eyes hardening as he stared into my ocean blue ones. I think he was searching for a genuine gleam or something – anything that would let him know that I was telling the truth. I guess he found it since he reluctantly agreed.

"Alright," he said slowly. "But you have to promise me that you won't tell anyone a single word that I said. If you screw that up then not only will our friendship or whatever you wanna call it will end but I will pound you into your grave. Understand?"

"Okay. I promise." Jayden sighed as he looked down, towards his drawing. He tapped his pencil lightly against the paper, his eyes going blank as he went through his mind for what exactly he wanted to tell me. I waited patiently as he did so.

"I was originally born in Los Angeles but I lived in Mexico throughout my early childhood. We didn't move here to Chicago until I was six years old and had to start my more serious schooling. So, I went to school without knowing a lick of English. I kind of isolated myself as I tried to learn both the school material and English. The first didn't go over so well since I didn't understand any of it but I managed to pull through once Beth and I became friends. She helped me juggle everything and we became inseparable. Um," he paused as he racked his brain for more information. "I was raised Catholic. I was baptized in a Catholic church and I received all of their sacraments and stuff. My mom and my grandmother are really big on their religious stuff so I went to Church every Sunday morning with them and I still do. I'm actually pretty close to my mom. Although, most other boys in my position would hate their mothers, I love her unconditionally. She's not the best mom in the world, I'll admit that but she's always made sacrifices for us and put our needs before hers. I only work so much now so that she can be home more. Before, she used to work all the time and our grandmother would stay home with us. My mom is kind of overprotective though. She likes to hold me closer to home since I'm the last son of hers around. I'm the oldest child home too so that might make a difference. She hates it when I talk about going into the marines but she tolerates it. Um, I have two younger sisters: Adriana and Cecilia. Anna is ten while Cece is seven. I have two other brothers: Javier who is 21 and Miguel who is 23." Jayden suddenly paused as his eyes darkened. "Or at least Miguel would've been 23 this year..." He tapped his pencil harder against the paper as he continued to speak. "My older brothers were both wild boys. They were always doing something they weren't supposed to be doing. I remember being a kid and looking up to them and thinking that I couldn't wait to be just like them. I remember when Miguel was sixteen and I was 11 and he was talking to me about gangs and guns and respect. I remember he told me that he was going to be initiated in the Latino Bloods and that he was going to earn our family the true respect it deserved. Two years later, he got hit during a drive by."

"Jayden," I started to say as I noticed he was starting to share some truly personal things with me. Jayden's emerald eyes looked at me and I could see the pain that he still felt from the loss of his brother. The sight made my stomach twist in guilt. Now, I wished I hadn't asked him. I didn't mean to bring up any bad memories.

"I didn't want to believe it when my dad told me that he died. I didn't want to look at my mom as she cried and my grandmother held her. She was pregnant with Cece at the time and her hormones were already driving her insane. I remember she cried consecutively for two weeks. But when she did stop crying, she wasn't herself anymore. She was depressed, drained, angry and...not my mom. My dad stayed around for a while to help out but I could tell that he wasn't happy with us. He wasn't really cut out for the domestic lifestyle. He can tolerate us but he can't put up with us on a daily basis. Once Cece was born and my mother got better, he started to be there once in a while again. But as soon as he was gone, things started getting bad. Javier...he never joined a gang or anything but he did have his share in being in shit that he had no business being in. One day, his so called friends turned him over for a murder he didn't commit. We tried so hard to fight against it, to fight for the evidence that showed he was innocent, to prove that my brother wasn't a killer. But those white cops didn't care, those white lawyers ain't give a shit, and that white judge couldn't give less fucks. All they saw up there was a nigga with lighter skin and an accent attached to him." He shook his head, looking away from me. "Now my brother's in jail for life for a crime he didn't commit. You know, Daniel, I used to not understand why I hated people so much when I was kid. I never understood why I always wanted to be alone, why I thought everyone was out to hurt me, why I thought that I had to get fear out of kids to make sure they respected me. But then I realized what I went through all those years. Waking up to gunshots all the damn time, my parents screaming at each other and fighting like dogs as if they didn't love each other when my dad was home – oh but he left after that. One day, he just packed up his shit and left my mom hanging there with a toddler and a son who was just thrown in jail. To this day, I wonder if he even loved her. Yea, he fathered all her children but what more to that was there? I think my mom was just a hot piece of ass in his eyes. One that he could manipulate and keep for when he wanted. I only give him credit for the fact that he always stuck by his children when we needed him. I didn't learn much from him except how to fight, how to keep a straight face, and how to read people. Other than that, all my morals came from the Church and learning from everyone else's mistakes. I grew up with a sliver of a father figure, brothers that I couldn't depend on nor look up to and no sense of what happiness was. Throughout my entire life, I've had nothing but bad shit happen to me." Suddenly, Jayden looked towards me. "Is it okay if I...show you something? But you can't tell anyone or I swear-"

"I won't," I promised quickly. "Just trust me." Jayden eyed me wearily before he looked towards his sleeve in which he started to pull up to reveal his forearm. My jaw dropped as I looked down upon what he was showing me. There were a various range of bruises on his skin as well as scars and healing cuts that seemed to be from self-harm. I felt a huge lump form in my throat as my heart sank in my chest. I had never noticed Jayden had these. I had never even thought that he would do this to himself nor did I think that someone would hurt him. I had never even thought of what kind of personal Hell he was experiencing in his life. Without thinking, I reached out to lightly touch one of his scars. "Jayden," I murmured. Honestly, I had no idea what to say to him. I knew that he wouldn't listen to him if I told him to stop hurting himself but I also knew that he wouldn't want my pity. "How...who did this to you?"

"What? The cuts or the bruises? Or both?" I looked up to meet his eyes.

"Jayden," I said firmly. "Have you been cutting?" Jayden lightly pulled his arm away and pulled his sleeve back down. He didn't answer me nor did he look at me. The response gave me all the answer I needed. "And these bruises?"

"Let's just say that my mom's boyfriend doesn't know how to keep his filthy hands off my girls," he said, his voice low. He shook his head, his eyes pulling the curtain over his emotions. "Come on, we have work to do. It was stupid to get on this topic." I wanted to interject but he started talking rapidly about the project. I could tell that his moment of vulnerability had killed his pride somewhere inside. Being vulnerable wasn't his thing and I understood that. I could only just move along with him instead of pushing anything.

We worked diligently for the next couple of hours before we decided that it was a good time to depart. I walked with Jayden outside into the chilly air, my mind still buzzing from all the stuff he had told me earlier. I saw him differently now. Instead of seeing a kid that everyone was afraid of, I saw a soldier who was holding up his invisible gun for protection. We walked in silence to his motorcycle that was parked next to my car. As we got close to his vehicle, I saw that it wasn't a brand new bike or anything. Instead I saw that it looked kind of old but with new parts built into it. I also saw that the paint looked as if it was done by hand. "You built the bike," I asked Jayden. He nodded.

"I'm good with auto parts and stuff," he said. He turned to me as we reached out vehicles. "Look, about earlier when I shared all those things with you..."

"I know. I won't tell anyone anything. I like living, thank you very much."

"No, I wasn't going to tell you not to tell anyone. I don't think you want me to actually break your face." A ghost of a smile appeared on his lips for a moment before it disappeared. "I was going to say that it felt good...getting all that stuff off of my chest."

"I'm guessing you've never talked to anyone else about it before." He shook his head.

"I talk to Beth about it but it's different. I usually talk when I need advice or something but other than that, I just bottle it all in. Plus, she's been with me through half of it so there's nothing much I have to say to her about it. She already knows. But with you it's different."

"How so?"

"I don't know," he said quickly, his voice drifting off with the wind. "Just thank you for listening."

"No problem. I'm always here if you need me. Do you have my number?"

"No," Jayden said, his eyebrow raising.

"Give me your phone," I said as I dug through my pocket for mine. Jayden hesitated but complied to my command. We switched phones and put each other's numbers in our contacts. When Jayden handed me back my phone, I spoke again. "Just give me a call whenever you need me." Jayden nodded.

"Thanks," he said unsurely. We stood there awkwardly for a minute as Jayden tried hard not to meet my eyes.

"I don't want you to change," I told him causing him to look up at me. "Just because you spilled your guts to me doesn't mean that you have to be any different nor does it mean I'm going to treat you any differently. Just like now how I wanna hug you but I don't think I want another punch in the face." Jayden scoffed as he rolled his eyes.

"Oh please," he said. "Don't flatter yourself, white boy." I smiled at the sound of his nickname for me. "But a hug would actually be pretty nice right now."

"Cool," I said. Jayden seemed to stiffen as I came closer to him and wrapped my arms around his torso. Again, I felt how muscular but slim he was only now I knew the reason why. I smelled his cinnamon scent that radiated off his clothes and I felt a slight tingling in my stomach. Eventually, Jayden loosened up under me and I felt his arms wrap around me to return the hug lightly. Somehow though, his arms made the tingling in my stomach get stronger. Thankfully, I didn't have much time to deal with the tingling since he pulled away. "Well that was sexy," I teased. Jayden was staring at me, an inexpressible look on his face. He quickly blinked it away at my joke though. His face hardened and he glared at me.

"It was not sexy." I shrugged.

"I had some feelings." Jayden shoved me lightly.

"Shut up, white boy." He then smiled and the tingling in my stomach arose again. Jayden looked so much different when he smiled. His eyes slightly crinkled at the ends and I could see a dimple in his cheek. He also expressed his perfect white teeth. He looked...nice when he smiled. I felt the need to see the smile more out of him. "See you around," he said before he grabbed his helmet from off his bike. He quickly put it on, hopped on his bike, revved the engine and drove off. He left me standing there, staring after him as usual. Only now I was left with a different question in mind. A question that I wasn't even sure that I had the answer to. Or maybe it was just a question that I wasn't ready to find the answer to just yet.