Unrequited Desires

I opened the door, and my eyes widened in surprise. Logan and Lily were standing there, yelling at one another. I couldn’t even make out what they were shouting.

I didn’t know what to do. Should I stay or should I leave? Lily’s eyes snapped at me. She threw her hands in the air and stormed out of the room.

Logan kicked the bed with his foot and collapsed on it. He sat in a crouched position with his head in his hands. An unknown force propelled me to close the door and walk toward him.

I stopped before him and placed my hands on the top of his head. I felt how he relaxed under my touch. I ran my hands through his hair, massaging his scalp.

Logan reached his hands out to pull me to him. I was standing between his legs, his hands on the small of my back, his head pressed to my stomach. We stayed like that for several minutes.

Logan sighed and leaned back, pulling me into his lap. I sat there with my hands around his neck. He buried his face in my hair, his hands held my waist. It felt natural. We felt natural.

“What is it with you?” Logan began. “I know almost nothing about you and still... I want to be near you, to touch you, to talk to you about anything, to see that beautiful smile of yours... I can’t even control it!

“When you’re in the room, my eyes are always on you. You were avoiding me, I could tell... But whenever I caught sight of you in the hallways, I wanted to follow you…” Logan whispered, and I felt butterflies in my stomach because of our proximity.

“I don’t know what it is. But it’s the same with me,” I said. “When I look at you, the only thought on my mind is that I want to be with you. Only your eyes on me would send shivers down my spine... I was avoiding you, yes.

“I asked Lily to give me warnings whenever you wanted to see her. It was too much... After what happened in the bathroom, and then at the diner.”

Logan stiffened. What did I do wrong? He gently placed me on the bed, his hands dropped from my waist, and then he stood up. I looked up into his eyes. He was avoiding my gaze.

“What’s wrong? Did I say something stupid?”

“No... Rebecca, I am sorry. I shouldn’t tell you any of this. Fucking hell! You don’t deserve to be treated like this. I feel something for you. I can’t explain it, but... but I love Melanie, I really do. What I did with you at the fraternity house was the biggest mistake of my life.”

My breath caught in my throat and I clenched the sheets with my fists. My eyes were wide open, and I didn’t even blink. I won’t cry in front of him.

“Becca, I am so sorry... You need to understand that no matter what it is between us... no matter how hard I want you... no matter how strong my desire to kiss you right now is, I won’t do it. I have a girlfriend, I love her, and she doesn’t deserve this. She’s the only one for me. I am sorry…”

He stepped closer to me. I flinched. He saw it and stopped; his eyes were dark and sad.

“I... I think you should leave, Logan. And... and please, don’t try to talk to me or see me. I was perfectly fine avoiding you, and I will continue to do just that. You should go and be with Melanie. If she’s the one for you, she’s the one who should comfort you right now. Not me. Leave, Logan, please.”

“Becca…”

“I said leave! Please…” I failed. My tears were blurring my vision. Logan stood before me. He had no idea what to do. “Please, Logan.”

I heard him cursing, and then he left the room. I lay on my bed, my face buried in the pillow. I was crying, and I didn’t know when it would stop.

I fell asleep, and when I woke up, it was already 9 p.m. What was I going to do tonight? I had no idea. I sat up on the bed and saw Lily. She was sitting on her bed watching something on the MacBook on her lap.

“Hey, Lil.”

“Hey. I returned to the room, and you were already asleep. Kate stopped by, but she didn’t want to wake you.” Lily studied my face. “Were you crying? Your eyes are puffy…”

“A little.” I shrugged my shoulders.

“How was Rob? Was he angry?”

“He was sad, and so was I. I really like him, and I hated doing this to him. But it’s better this way.”

“I'm sorry… Rob is a nice guy, and I find him really attractive. I even wanted to get to know him better, until I found out that he was interested in you. But honestly? You didn’t look like a couple to me from the very beginning. Becca, did my brother say something to you?”

I tensed. I was trying to erase my conversation with Logan from my head. Tears were pricking my eyes again. Shit! I shook my head from side to side.

“Becca, what happened? Did the asshole hurt you?”

“N…no. He didn’t…” I stuttered as tears poured from my eyes.

“What aren't you telling me?” She came and sat beside me. Lily hugged me and started running her hands up and down my back.

“It's nothing, re...really.” I needed to come up with something. Why was I crying? How could I explain it to her? “I felt sad because of Rob... And Logan started telling me how much he loves Melanie...”

“That's bullshit. What's going on, really? I was surprised that he came after you last night. He could deal with Kate and me with Drew and Tim's help. But he brought you. Come to think about it. He's always too curious about you. Is there something between you and Logan?”

Lily was too observant. I couldn't lie to her, not after what Logan had said to me.

“I like him. It's strange, and I don't even know how to describe it. It's kind of uncontrollable. He gives me goosebumps anytime he's near me. And...and apparently, it's mutual. He likes me. He told me that today, but... Oh God, this is stupid and humiliating!”

I hid my face in my palms.

“After you left, I walked up to him, and I wanted to comfort him,” I continued. “Logan let me do that, he pulled me onto his lap, and we sat like that for several minutes. He confessed that he's attracted to me... I confessed the same to him too. Shit!”

It was hard to breathe. Tears choked me. I sighed and closed my eyes.

“After that, he said how much he loves Melanie, that she’s the one for him... And I am not. It doesn’t matter how attracted he is to me or how badly he wants me. She’s it for him, and I am not enough.”

Lily was silent. She sat beside me, her hands leaving my back a long time ago. I wiped my tears away and looked at her.

“I am so sorry that I lied to you... These feelings were too confusing. I was scared and tried to avoid him, and I was good at it. I intend to do the same from now on. I was embarrassed after he told me about his feelings for Melanie. And it hurt, like hell.”

“It’s okay, Becca... You know, honestly, I don’t understand how my brother could be with someone like her. He wasn’t like that in high school. Bitches were never his thing, Drew’s—yes, but not his…”

“Lil, you don’t need to explain this to me. I get it. He’s taken, and that is the most important detail. I don’t know what I was expecting and why my hopes were up... Can we forget about it?”

“If you want to.”

“Thank you. Ahem, how long have you known Drew?”

“He’s Logan’s childhood friend. I have known him forever. I even was in love with him,” she smiled at me.

“You were?”

“Well, he’s gorgeous and sexy with all those muscles. Can you blame me for that?” Lily laughed.

“I suppose not.” I smiled at her. “He’s hot.”

“Yeah…” We both stared at each other. “Did something happen between you and Drew?”

“What?! No! I just had a chance to talk to him a little, and he turned out to be different than I thought he was,” I protested, a little too much.

“Well, under his demeanor, Drew’s a good guy. Womanizer, yes. But he’s honest,” Lily said. “I thought that maybe I could change him. We even dated for about one week in his last year of high school…”

“And?”

“And it didn't work. I am attracted to his looks, but I definitely don’t want to be in a relationship with him.”

We sat in silence. Then, our door swung open and Kate was standing there with a frown on her face. She stormed into our room, plopped herself on Lily’s bed, and sighed.

“What?” Both Lily and I asked in unison.

“I don’t know. Tomorrow is Monday, and I want it to be Friday... I want to go to the game and then to the after-party. Tim texted me. He was worried about me. Can you believe it?”

Lily and I started laughing. It was a good feeling after this whirlwind of sad emotions. We talked and then watched a movie together. We finally called it a night, around 1 a.m.

When I drifted off to sleep, I was hopeful that maybe a new week would bring something good to me.