Chapter 41

A gentle shake rouses me from my slumber. I groan and open my eyes to find a face peering down at me.

“Baby doll, we’re here. Do you want me to give you a piggyback up to bed?” His voice is a soothing whisper.

“No, it’s fine. I can manage. I don’t want to inconvenience you by having you carry me to bed. But thank you.”

“It’s no trouble at all. You’re as light as a feather. I’d be happy to carry you up.” He steps out of the car, taking my hand in his, and leads me toward the doors.

He turns his back to me, arms extended, waiting for me to climb onto him. I slide out of the car and clamber onto his back. His arms secure my legs, lifting me higher to prevent any chance of slipping.

I rest my chin on his shoulder, my arms wrapped around his neck for support. My eyelids feel heavy.

As he carries me across the driveway and into the house, the cool night breeze brushes against my skin, causing goosebumps to rise.

“Thank you, Knox. You didn’t have to,” I whisper, not because I’m trying to keep our conversation private, but because I’m too drained to speak any louder. I’m surprised I can even form a coherent sentence.

“Anything for you, baby doll,” he replies, turning his head so I can see his profile. I lean in to kiss his cheek, and I feel him tense slightly, his breath hitching.

But that’s just because of the awkward position he’s holding me in, and my movement doesn’t help.

“What was that for?”

“For you, carrying me. When you didn’t have to.”

“Thanks, baby doll. And I wanted to. You look exhausted.” He carries me into my room and squats down so I can reach the bed without any sudden movements. My vision is blurry, my eyes keep closing, but I hear him chuckle above me.

“What?” I ask, not bothering to open my eyes.

“Nothing. Here, let’s get you tucked in. I know I can’t do it like Annie does, but I’ll have to do for now.”

I slide under the covers, pulling them up to my chin, and tuck one hand under the cool side of my pillow. I snuggle into myself, seeking warmth, and feel his lips press against mine.

They linger, a soft and warm kiss that instantly fills me with warmth. Then, a kiss on my forehead. Am I dreaming?

“Goodnight, beautiful. Sleep well.” After that, I lose the battle to stay awake. I slip into a deep slumber, so deep that I don’t remember dreaming.

I wake to stillness around me. It’s still dark outside, but I’m wide awake. I toss and turn, trying to fall back asleep. Well, that’s what you get for falling asleep so early, Alex.

I roll over to check the time on my phone. It’s 3:56 a.m. Great. I groan and decide to head downstairs to make myself some hot chocolate. That usually helps me sleep.

After changing out of my dinner clothes and into a jersey, I reach the kitchen and pour some milk into a pot to bring to a boil.

I search for some cocoa powder and find some. The marshmallows are already out from the kids’ activities earlier. They won’t mind if I borrow some.

Cupping a steaming mug of hot chocolate, I grab a blanket and head outside onto the deck. I can faintly hear the voices of teenagers on the beach, having fun.

Sipping from the mug to keep warm, I pull the blanket around me and draw my knees to my chest, settling comfortably on the outdoor corner sofa.

The sliding door from the kitchen opens, and I’m greeted by a shirtless back and a pair of red boxer shorts. He turns around and faces me.

“I knew it was you,” Knox beams at me, sitting next to me and pulling the blanket over his own legs. He places his arm around the back of the seat.

“How’d you know it was me?” I ask.

“Because I can smell that from upstairs,” he says, pointing at my hot chocolate with a grin. I can feel his skin brushing against mine intermittently.

I hold out the mug to him. “Want some? I made too much for just me.” He takes the mug from my hand after I warn him it’s hot.

“Like me?”

He winks. “Of course I want some. This is hands down the best recipe there is!” His smile makes him look like a five-year-old.

He sets the mug on his lap, holding it with one hand, while the other arm wraps itself around me. He starts to pull me closer, and I let him.

Pulling the blanket up further for both of us, he adjusts it and rests his arm across my shoulder.

We sit in silence for a while until I spot a couple holding hands, kissing, and fooling around, making the girl scream every so often. I smile to myself, remembering a time when Drew and I were just like that couple.

I shake my head to clear the thoughts and take a sip from the mug on Knox’s knee.

“Don’t go back to him,” he says after a moment of silence.

“What? Who?”

“Drew... he doesn’t deserve a girl like you.”

“A girl like me? What do you mean?” I ask, irritation creeping into my voice. What does he mean, a girl like me? Am I that repulsive?

He released a long sigh, his eyes closing momentarily before reopening to meet mine. “A girl who gave him everything and got nothing back. You didn’t expect anything in return except his love.

“He didn’t give that to you. I knew he wouldn’t. You’re the kind of girl a man needs to fight for, the kind whose attention doesn’t come easily. You’re feisty yet sensitive.

“You’re the kind who doesn’t give a damn but at the same time, you do. You care for others without expecting anyone to care for you.

“You’ve built so many walls around yourself that when they finally come down, it’s the most beautiful thing in the world.

“You’re the kind of girl who deserves more than to be cheated on. You’re worth it, even if you won’t believe a single word I just said.”

I stared at him, shocked by his words. I had expected this conversation to go in a completely different direction, one that would have me storming out in anger.

“Ha! You’re right about the last part. That’s not me. Wait—You knew he wouldn’t? How?”

“I saw him flirting with another girl the last time you brought him to New York.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” My voice was tinged with hurt and disappointment. If he had told me, I could’ve stopped him from cheating on me.

“I know you’re thinking that if I had told you, he wouldn’t have cheated on you. But that’s not the case, Alex. It was his choice to cheat on you.

“He would’ve done it regardless of whether I had told you or not. I never liked the guy anyway. I’m glad you dumped him. He never deserved you. You deserve so much better.”

“Knox, he might not have cheated if we had talked about it. But then again, he might’ve cheated regardless. It would’ve saved me time and a lot of pain—”

“Please don’t get upset, Alex. I hate seeing you upset. He doesn’t deserve any of your tears.”

“I’m done crying over him. He never loved me. I was just an object to him. Like most guys. I was going to marry Andy, but I think she’s going to marry Kyle... so that’s gone out the window.”

I laughed to myself, feeling his gaze on me as I kept my eyes on the beach. I traced a finger down the side of the cup sitting on my knees, following the line of dried hot chocolate.

The sound of waves crashing in the distance reminded me of how much I missed my granddad.

“You’ll find someone to marry, baby doll, trust me. Any guy would be lucky to have you as a girlfriend and wife.”

“Pfft, I’ll just marry Adam and become a cougar. I just don’t care anymore. And now I get so much more attention from guys. I’m so awkward, it’s usually Andy who gets the attention.”

“You’ve always been awkward with guys, nothing new there. You just didn’t have any... practice.”

“Thanks to you, spreading rumors about me and making jokes about the way I looked. I already had my own father telling me that I didn’t need another person to confirm that I was in fact ugly and disgusting.”

“Hey—” he said softly, pulling my chin around so I was looking up at him. “I never spread rumors about you, but I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I just—

“None of the guys in high school deserved to have you, and believe me, a lot of them wanted you. As for your father, he’s not coming anywhere near you. I won’t let him.

“But man, was I really that mean in high school?” He winced at my honesty.

“No guys wanted me in high school, Knox. Who would want the quiet, nerdy tomboy who got stabbed by her own father and whose mouth got her into so much trouble?

“Come on. And yes, you were that bad in high school. Did you know about the girls?”

“Well, I always liked nerdy girls. I actually find them quite sexy!” I rolled my eyes and looked back at the beach. “What girls?”

“See! You were too busy focusing on the guys you all had no idea about the girls....”

“What did they do?” He abruptly asked, sitting up straighter in the seat.

“It’s in the past now, it doesn’t matter.”

“Tell me, Alex!” He demanded. I sighed and looked at him, contemplating whether to tell him or not. The seconds ticked by, and I could feel the anger rising in the body beside me.

“Fine, you remember the time when you couldn’t find me one night and Tori told you all that I was at a sleepover at her house for the girls in our year?”

“Yeah...?”

“Well, I wasn’t there. I don’t even think there was one.”

“There was... never mind. Where were you?”

“Well... they texted me from Hannah’s phone saying I was to meet her in the toilets when school was finished...”

“Yeah...”

“Well, they locked me in there the whole night and took my phone and put it in my locker. So I couldn’t message anyone, but it wouldn’t have been useful because it was on twenty-three percent when they locked me in....”

“Fuck... are you kidding me? Why didn’t you tell me? Or Kyle? A side note though, only you would remember exactly what percentage your phone was on.”

“I just wanted to leave it and not talk to anyone about it. My confidence got lower and lower, and I stopped talking to you and Kyle because you were friends with her.

“When I knew she’d be in our house, I wouldn’t come home until she left. Hannah was the only one who knew about it, not even my mom knows about it...”

“Jesus, Alex, I—I don’t know what to say,” he stammers, his free hand raking through his hair and across his face in disbelief.

“I cried every night during senior year. She told me I couldn’t go to prom because she thought someone from your group would ask me. Not that it appealed to me anyway, it wasn’t my thing. So she told all the girls I had a drug problem, that I was fat, and a tag-along to your group. So I started to take appetite suppressants, starve myself, and workout like crazy and that’s when—”

“—you collapsed. Fuck, she almost killed you! You scared me so much that day, Alex.”

“Honestly, I was more annoyed at myself that I woke up. I wish I hadn’t. When the whole thing happened the night of prom with me and my dad, none of the girls would talk to me. They said I ‘ruined their chances of being with top athletes and models’. I felt bad enough that I ruined everyone’s night, the only person who noticed me crumbling was Pop. He saved me from myself. I was so close so many times, but he always knew and helped me. That’s why I used to be so angry with you, I thought you were in on all of it. It made me not trust people, I didn’t even trust my own family for a while, making me guarded. I’m still a guarded person, I have to be. I’ve never let people in easily because of all of this. Well, some people I’ve let in, but it’s been rare.”

Feeling my shoulders slump down and feeling so small, it was strange talking about this, but it was even stranger talking about this with Knox.

“God, Alex... you never ruined anything, you couldn’t. You always made everything. Fuck! How was I so blind?” I turn to face him and I see tears streaming down his face.

Oh my god, he’s crying. Why is he crying? I feel so bad now.

“Why are you crying? Don’t cry! It was hard to see, Knox, I don’t blame you. Hannah only knew and I begged her not to tell anyone, it would’ve made it worse.”

I hugged him closer to me by his waist and he stiffened at my touch but relaxed soon after, wrapping his own arms around me.

“Worse? How could she have made it worse, Alex?”

“Knox, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now, I would be... in a grave somewhere. I know for a fact I wouldn’t have been able to take much more from them. Do you know how much I hated myself? I would cry myself to sleep every night, thinking what I would’ve been like if I wasn’t around. I would write notes to everybody in preparation. Look, I’m not throwing myself a pity party, I’ve done that. I just sometimes wish I wasn’t here, you know?” I lean back to look up at him. His cheeks were still wet and his eyes were bloodshot.

“No, Alex, I don’t know and neither should you. Please never talk like this again. It destroyed me to see you that time when you had that nightmare at home, and it’s killing me to hear you talk like this. I don’t know who I would be if I had never met you. Jesus, Alex, I’m so sorry I never knew. If I had known, I wouldn’t have been so rude and mean to you.”

“I’m alright now, it feels good to get it off my chest. Honestly, I thought you would’ve been the last person I’d share this with. Who’d have thought I’d be having a heart-to-heart with you?”

I laugh heartily, trying to lighten the situation, and it’s working. He sends me his gorgeous smile through teary eyes, which I was grateful for.

“To be honest, I enjoyed being around you sometimes. You were the only person who had decent comebacks, you kept it entertaining for me,” making us both laugh once more.

We sit there smiling at each other for a while, it’s not uncomfortable. His smile gets wider and wider as the time goes on, as does mine.

“What?” I ask him.

“You always had such a beautiful smile, Alex.” My eyes grow wide at his compliment. I had shock all over my face, I couldn’t even believe he knew the word beautiful.

“Seriously? Who are you and what have you done with Knox?”

He pulls me close to him and I wipe his tears away, realizing how close we are to each other. We look at each other once more with smiles on our faces, I’m still wiping his cheeks softly.

“You don’t take compliments very well, do you?”

“I don’t get them very often to take them very well.”

“Well, get used to it because I’m giving you one every day starting tomorrow, well today but I’ll give you another one.”

“Knox, I’m good, everyone will think you got a concussion if you start doing that to me, and Kyle will kill you.”

“I’m not worried about Kyle, I could take him!” He boasts, puffing his chest out at me. “Besides, every woman should be complimented every day for the rest of their lives.”

“Okay, now that’s too much. I prefer not being noticed at all, it’s what I’m used to. I’m not the type who walks into a room and commands attention. Not like the ones you go out with!”

I teased him by poking his rib, making him jolt forward and grab my hands to stop me.

“You could never go unnoticed and ouch, baby doll. I never thought of them as serious, just something to have until I’m ready to make my move.”

“Make your move? Ohhhhh, that complicated girl? Or complicated situation? Whatever,” I wave off, not remembering what he said. “Tell me about her, do I know her?” I feel a slight twist in my stomach after the question.

“You know her, don’t you? I’m not sure what else to ask,” he chuckles, a hint of nervousness in his laughter. His gaze meets mine again. I don’t understand why I keep prying about this girl. I’m not sure I want to know the answers.

“Describe her to me. Tell me what you like about her. Why is it so complicated?” I can’t seem to stop the words from tumbling out. It’s like verbal diarrhea.

“Maybe another time. I need to figure things out with her first, then I’ll fill you in. How does that sound?”

I nod, acknowledging his discomfort in discussing his personal life and this enigmatic girl. We’ll get there. It’s just a matter of time.

Once again, we fall into a comfortable silence. I snuggle closer to him, seeking his warmth. My gaze drifts back to the beach, still shrouded in darkness.

“I like this,” he murmurs into my hair. His words catch me off guard, and I sit up slightly, bringing myself almost eye level with him. I offer him a smile, and he turns to face me, returning my smile.

“Me too,” I respond.

He leans in closer, stopping when his lips are just inches from mine. We continue to hold each other’s gaze. ~God, this is so romantic~.

Feeling our breaths mingle, he asks, “Can I kiss you?” It takes a moment for the shock to dissipate, a shock I’m sure was evident on my face. I nod, yes.

His lips meet mine, and the soft warmth they transfer sends a wave of sensation coursing through my body. His hand comes up to cradle my head, holding it in place.

What starts as a light peck quickly evolves into him tracing the bottom of my lower lip with his tongue, seeking entrance, which I readily grant.

I find myself pressing against his chest, his other arm winding around my waist, pulling me closer to his heated body. Our tongues dance together, not in a battle for dominance, but in a tender exploration.

As we tilt our heads to deepen the kiss, my hand finds its way to the back of his hair, tugging slightly. The throaty moan he releases sends a thrill through me. ~That was hot~.

He pulls me on top of him, keeping the blanket wrapped securely around me. One hand remains at the side of my face, while the other ventures down to cup my ass.

His hand travels up my back, lifting my shirt slightly, and he lightly strokes my skin. My arms wrap around his neck, pulling him closer. I feel myself inadvertently grinding against his arousal.

He releases another deep moan, and I revel in the sound. I repeat the motion, this time slower, harder, and entirely intentional. He breaks the kiss, and we rest our foreheads together, his eyes closed.

We’re both panting, the situation escalating rapidly.

“Hey, look at me,” I whisper, cupping his face. After a moment, he opens his eyes to meet my gaze. “I’m sorry, I thought you liked it—”

“Baby doll, I did like it. I just don’t want to take advantage of you. Not after what we discussed earlier. I can’t do that to you. I won’t be able to control myself.”

“It’s okay, Knox, I understand,” I assure him, and I bravely lean in to kiss him again before settling back down next to him.

~What am I doing?~ I chastise myself. ~I just dry-humped him, twice! And he stopped me. He definitely didn’t like it.~

~Why am I doing this to myself? He doesn’t like me! I don’t look like the girls he usually goes for, Alex! You’re not in the same league.~

Ignoring my own thoughts for the rest of the night, I lay back down and feel him pull me closer to his side. As we get comfortable again, I don’t notice when we both drift off to sleep on the deck.