Chapter 73

Half an hour later, I’m about to turn into the driveway when I see all the parking spaces taken up by cars. I’ll have to park on the curb.

I sit in the car for another ten minutes, noting that it’s nearing four in the morning. Hopefully, they’ll all be asleep. I just want to shower and go to sleep. It’s been a long day—or rather, night.

I push open the car door and make my way up the pathway to the front door. I rest my head against it, taking a deep breath as I feel the dread coursing through my veins.

~Seeing his face again. The only thing I don’t want to see, his eyes. My weakness.~

The very ones I’ve come to hate.

“Come on, you can do this. He used you, don’t give him the satisfaction of seeing you like this. Come on,” I give myself a quick pep talk before I enter the hallway and see Boomer running towards me.

His paws lightly scrape the floors and I pick him up into my arms. His face nestles into my shoulder and I rest my head on his. He knows when I’m upset. He’s always known.

I walk down the hallway and push the kitchen door open. I see everyone dozing off around the kitchen. Seeing Kyle to the left boiling the kettle, he rushes over and lifts me into his arms.

Max joins in and hugs both of us, “Don’t run away like that ever again, Alex, or I’ll have to put a tracker on your phone,” Max jokes, but I don’t laugh.

I can’t feel any emotion. As much as I’d like to say that I don’t care, I do. It’s raw. Drained because of my own thoughts.

I know he’s here, in this room, but I don’t want to look around. I feel my mom’s arms wrap around me from behind as soon as Kyle sets me back down on the floor.

I feel her lips rest on the back of my head and she whispers, “I love you,” making me close my eyes. I have no energy.

“Oh, so glad you’re home, Alex! You had everyone worried—” Lauren’s tone makes me tense and I swallow hard, restraining myself from smashing a glass over her cosmetically enhanced face.

“Knox and I have an announcement we’ve got to make—”

“Now isn’t the time, Lauren,” hearing that voice makes my fists ball up and I feel my mom’s hands cover them to calm me down.

She whispers, “I know, baby,” in her motherly tone. I feel protected with her around. I slowly unclench my fists and exhale deeply, still not facing them. At least I now know where not to look.

“Why? I think it’s perfect, everyone is here! So, Knox and I decided to get back together. For good.” It feels like a freight train has hit me, showing no mercy.

“What?” The questioning tone of the voices behind me is loud, almost accusing. I feel my heart shatter into a million pieces, crumbling to the ground from her hand.

I close my eyes, trying to picture a place better than here. Anywhere but here. I don’t know why, but this feels worse than when I ended things with Drew. A million times worse.

Turning around, I kiss my mom’s cheek for the first time, aware of the eyes on me. “I’m going to sleep,” is all I manage to say before leaving the room, leaving behind the people who stayed up to ensure I made it home.

I push the door open and let it fall shut behind me with a thud. As I make my way up the stairs to my room, no one follows. I’m grateful for the space.

Once inside my room, I lock the door, peel off my clothes layer by layer, and drag myself into the shower. I turn up the heat, letting the hot water trickle down my body, turning my skin a shade of pink.

Dipping my head under the water, I wash my body with my favorite coconut-scented body wash. I scrub my hair thoroughly, ridding it of any grass or possible twigs.

After my shower, I step out into my room wrapped in a towel. Seeing his jersey on my bed makes me sick, so I toss it onto the floor and pull on my NYPD top again.

I wrap a towel around my hair to help it dry faster and glance at the messages on my phone.

Thirteen missed calls from Sam.

Six missed calls from Tyson.

Twenty-two missed calls from Mom.

Forty-seven missed calls from... him.

I read through everyone’s messages but his, until I finally give in and decide to read them.

Knox

Alex please answer.

Knox

I’m sorry baby doll. I hate myself.

Knox

please let me know you’re alright.

Knox

just one message Alex please.

Knox

Alex please!!

Knox

Let me know you’re safe baby doll.

Knox

I’ll be waiting for you when you come back!

Knox

please don’t shut me out, you weren’t meant to see that.

Knox

baby doll, I’m sorry

Knox

I hate when you’re upset with me Alex. Please talk to me.

Knox

I feel like an asshole, please come back, hit me, punch me, slap me, scream at me whatever just please come back and do something.

Knox

tell me where you are! Alex please answer me. You’re driving me crazy with the silent treatment.

Knox

you won’t understand I’m doing this to protect you.

Knox

I miss you.

Knox

come back

There are plenty more messages where he’s begging me to forgive him. But not in a million years will I forgive him.

My head is pounding from all the crying I’ve done, and I feel dehydrated. Thank God I have a water bottle beside my bed. I twist the cap off and chug it down, hoping to soothe my throat and ease my headache.

I sit up, resting my head against the headboard, and my heart jumps when I hear a soft tap on my door. It’s a light thump, like someone’s head hitting the door.

I ignore it and slide down into my sheets. But the knocking continues until I hear Sam’s voice outside.

“You’re a fucking asshole, Knox! I can’t believe you did that to her. To do that to my sister and then get back with that bitch!” she hisses, thinking I’m asleep.

But I’m awake, listening to them through the thin piece of wood separating us.

“I know, Sam! Do you think I don’t know that? Fuck! Can you get her to talk to me?”

“What? No! You fucked this up for yourself. You don’t even deserve her attention—”

“Sam, please, I’m begging you!”

“No, Knox! Do her a favor and leave her alone!”

“Please.” I hear her footsteps recede down the hall. I silently thank her for standing up for me and send her a text.

Alex

thank you xx

Sam

anytime, I love you xx

I roll over to plug my phone into the charger and hear it buzz on my dresser. Rolling back into a comfortable position, I hear it buzz again, thinking it’s Sam. But it’s not. It’s him.

Knox

I’m sorry ❤️ xx

He sent me a heart. He might have a whole heart, but mine is crushed into dust and swept up by the wind. I shouldn’t feel like this. It’s not like we were serious or in a relationship.

But I can’t help but feel like trash after seeing them together. Watching him thrust into her bare body over and over again until he noticed us standing there.

He got caught. That’s why he’s outside my door. If I hadn’t opened that door or come home at that time, would he be feeling as guilty or as sorry as he is now?

No. No, he wouldn’t give a shit.

He wouldn’t have told me.

He would’ve kept doing it until I eventually found out, or Lauren would’ve gloated that they were back together. At least I was prepared to be crushed when she opened her mouth in the kitchen.

For once, that mouth wasn’t on his dick.

I feel like a hole has been ripped through my body where my heart once existed. First Drew, and now this.

Emptiness sets in. I lie on my side, staring out into the night through my window. Watching the flies outside trying to get in because they’re attracted to my light.

I switch it off and hear a sigh outside, along with some movement.

I’m done.

I no longer have a heart.

Mine doesn’t exist.

It died, and I buried it in that cemetery. Six feet under.