23 Breaking

I tried not to let my mood bring down the others. Carrie had encouraged a celebration, so I had gotten one going. I’d invited Amanda, but she had refused to come.

Other than that, I hadn’t really seen her at all that day, even though my wolf ached for more contact. Instead, I buried myself in pack work, and then went to spell Krystal who had been watching the trailer this afternoon. She might as well go join the party, since it wasn’t like I would do anything but bring the mood down.

When I got there, she was inside and I could hear the two of them laughing. I was jealous of how happy my mate sounded with her.

“You can go join your mate,” I said to her.

“You sure, Porter? I don’t mind staying here with her. We’re having a pretty good time.”

“I’m not getting anything out of the party either way.”

“If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure.”

There was more talking inside, and then Krystal came out, shooting me a look of sympathy. “Probably should confess that we had our own little celebration by dipping into your beer a bit.”

That was the least of my worries. “Okay.”

“Good luck,” she said. I could use it.

I shut the door and sat on the step outside, an ache in my chest and a sting in my eyes. I had so little time left, and the small amount of time I had left wouldn’t be enough to tip the balance in my favour. Whenever I thought I was making headway with her, something went wrong. I had thought she was warming up to me a bit, but then I’d gotten angry and everything had gone south.

Maybe, the bond meant nothing and we really weren’t meant to be. I was a werewolf, and no matter how much control I had over my animal side, it would always be there, and it would always be something that probably reminded her of the restraining order asshole.

Maybe, before she had been hurt, she might have been able to want me back the way I wanted her. The thought ached.

Pain and anger circled through me. It hurt, and I couldn’t help imagining what she might have gone through. She’d never said more than hints, so I didn’t know, but my imagination was happy to fill in the blanks.

Maybe, before she left, I could get his name.

And prove I was just as bad as she thought I was. I stayed sitting there on the step, listening to the sound of laughter and excitement of my pack leaking out from the dining hall, and what she was currently watching, all the while watching the last dim light of the sun until it completely disappeared.

The stars were hidden by clouds, and the sky looked as dark and gloomy and hopeless as I felt.

And then there was a crack of light behind me.

“Porter?”

I loved her voice. Shit, I was going to miss it. “Yeah?”

“Want to come in?” she asked.

Her wariness seemed absent, and it gave my idiotic wolf hope that he shouldn’t have. “Sure.”

I pushed myself up, and turned towards her, and went inside. Her scent hit me harder than what I had been able to smell from outside the moment I was in the door, with hints of alcohol underneath. The whole place didn’t smell like me and the others anymore, it was mostly her.

I wished it was her home as she turned around and smiled at me. She scooped up a glass off the counter and took a sip. “Feel like watching some Netflix?”

What harm would it do? No matter what, tomorrow, or maybe the next day, when the alpha and luna got back, it was going to hurt like hell when she left me. I might as well have a few more hours in my mate’s presence before I lost her, if she was willing to let me be. “Sure.”

She led the way, and I took a detour to grab myself a beer from the fridge on my way by and thankfully there were still some left. Forcing myself to resist my wolf’s clinginess, I took the couch opposite her and watched as she scrolled through the options. She’d made herself a user account. I probably would never delete it when she was gone, because that would be the only thing I had left of her.

“What do you want to watch?” she asked, looking at me.

“I really don’t care.”

“You sure?”

“Very sure.” I felt like my heart was being compressed, I didn’t think I’d be able to focus on whatever was playing either way.

She settled on the series she was already watching, and I pretended to watch, while sneaking peeks at her. She made no indication that she knew or cared that I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. Maybe she was too drunk to care.

She didn’t bother to pause it when she got up to get herself another drink, and I watched her unsteady gait. “Are you sure you need one?” I asked, unable to resist voicing my concern.

It was the wrong thing to say. Her relaxed expression hardened and her eyes met mine furiously. “I don’t know what business it is of yours.”

“I’m worried,” I said, feeling defensive. Was it really so wrong to care about the wellbeing of someone I wanted to protect?

“You don’t need to be. I take care of myself.” There was a definite slur in her words. She stomped over to the kitchen and the sound of sloshing liquid was the only sound for a moment.

I tried to keep my voice calm. “I can’t help that I care about you.”

“Yeah, yeah, the bond. Doesn’t it bother you werewolves that you get no say about it?” she asked as she walked back to the other couch. She met my eyes challengingly while taking a very deliberate sip from the drink she had just poured.

“Not really. I mean, some people probably are bothered.”

“It’s so controlling. I don’t like being controlled.”

“I can see that.”

She narrowed her eyes. “I don’t want anyone hovering over my shoulder, telling me what to do. Not Steven, not you, not some stupid bond that I get no say over. Do you understand me?”

I sighed and tried not to let her see how much that understanding hurt. “You’ve made yourself pretty clear.”

“Good. Because I don’t want you getting your hopes up.”

“Don’t worry about that.” Any time they rose even slightly she curb stomped them.

“Good. Because I don’t want you getting hurt.”

She thought she was keeping me from getting hurt? I chuckled bitterly.

“What?” she asked, eyes narrowed again.

“It’s nothing, Amanda.”

“Doesn’t seem like nothing.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Maybe I should decide that.” She leaned forward, the television completely forgotten in the background.

Maybe I should tell her, but it would only make her feel bad if she even remembered any of this the next day. I doubted it would change her mind and even if it did, did I want her with me out of pity? “Forget it.”

“No,” she said, picking up her glass. For a moment, I thought she was going to return to throwing objects at me, but instead she just threw the drink back and stood up. She rounded the coffee table and sat next to me, and poked her finger into my chest. “Tell me.”

This wasn’t making things better. I should have stayed outside. “Amanda, don’t worry about it.”

I was not prepared for her next movement, and I was frozen as she straddled me. Having her so close instantly made me half hard, and every tiny movement pushed me further in that direction. “Amanda, don’t do this.”

“Why not?” she asked, with a sexy little pout. “Maybe I want to do this.” She began to run her hands along my shoulders.

I grabbed them and held them on either side of her, which still really did nothing to help the main problem of her rubbing up against me.

“Why don’t you want to?” she asked. “It’s the best thing I’ve ever felt…”

Giving in was tempting. But she could have done this at any point while she was confined here sober, but it wasn’t until she was out of her mind drunk that she pulled this. I’d already fucked up enough with her, walking straight into her negative patterns and reinforcing them would only hurt us both. “I don’t want to.”

The look on her face was shock, followed by something so sad I almost gave in to her and my body and the demands of my wolf. Everything was screaming at me to put aside my reason and give her exactly what she said she was demanding.

“You don’t want to?” her eyes welled up with tears. She yanked her hands away and I let them go and she scrambled off of me, her hair flowing like a fan around her with the angry motion.