34 Love

Amanda

I couldn’t stay angry at Porter when he had that cocky happy smile pasted on his face.

“So, you really have nothing to do today?” I asked.

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far. I want to spend today with you since I know you don’t have to work.”

“I guess I could do that. I need to go home and change though. I slept in these.” I looked helplessly at my rumpled clothing.

“You could just borrow some of my clothes.”

“They’re too big.”

“Or we could just not bother with clothing at all.”

His words shot heat straight between my legs. I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry. He was so tempting, but some part of me wanted to put distance between us. Of course, the other part of me wanted to jump him and obliterate all distance. So I just sat there, frozen. “Thought you were holding out.”

“No, I told you I just want you fully aware.”

“Or you just like making things hard on me.”

“You wouldn’t know anything about that, huh?”

“Wait, so you are actually trying to make things hard on me as some sort of revenge?”

“Well, something around here is pretty hard.” His face stayed deadpan straight.

My laugh spilled out of me, and it released some of my tension. I looked down at the pancake grid on my plate. I wasn’t hungry anymore. “I need a shower.”

“You can use mine.”

“That doesn’t solve the clothing problem.”

“Pretty sure I gave you two perfect solutions to pick from.” He smiled.

“Not perfect.”

“That’s a matter of opinion.”

My indecision was still running rampant. I knew I wanted him, and I’d pretty much said I was going to stay with him, but there was some block that I was having trouble getting past. Porter wasn’t Steven, and he probably wasn’t going to start acting like Steven, but...

I could just leave, and deal with this problem later. Get in my car, and drive away from this place and Porter and all the other difficulties that came along with him. Go home, spend the day hanging around with my girls, and pretend that I was perfectly content with my life.

This would be so much easier if he would just give up on his damn sobriety thing. This would have been easy last night. I needed a drink to numb this.

That was a problem. I really should talk to someone about all my issues. I met his eyes. “I don’t know if I can, Porter.”

“Why?”

“Because I have issues. And I’m scared.”

“Scared?”

“Of getting trapped again, obviously.”

He slipped forward in his chair. “Amanda, I promise I’m not going to trap you. You’re my equal. Not my possession.”

“I know you don’t plan to. But I can’t help this feeling...”

“Come here?” he said, holding out a hand. I paused, and put mine in his. He pulled me closer until I was sitting on his lap sideways.

“You’re not trapped. You have all the power. I’m at your mercy, because my wolf would do anything for you. If I’m too possessive, if I get aggressive with someone because I’m jealous, if I ever step over any of your lines, tell me and I’ll try to do what you want to the best of my ability. It’s not going to be easy, but I’d rather die than hurt you. I love you.”

I love you. I’d heard that before.

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“I love you, baby,” Steven said, his eyes resting on me as he leaned against the doorway in a pseudo-casual pose. While he was trying to look nonchalant, he was also blocking my exit. I didn’t know what I had done wrong, but I could tell by the look in his eyes that he wasn’t happy with me, so it must be something.

“I love you, too,” I agreed, forcing a smile to my face. I knew he liked it when I responded that way.

He sauntered over to me, a terrifyingly gentle smile on his face. He leaned down in front of me and brushed a stray strand of hair from my face, then tilted my face up for a kiss. I returned his kiss with as much enthusiasm as I could manage.

He pulled back. “I think you should quit your job.”

I bit my lip. If I did that I’d have one less excuse to get out of the house. “Are you sure? I like contributing, Steve.”

“You don’t think I can support you? Isn’t this home I provide for you nice enough, baby?”

“I know you can. And of course it is. I really love it.” The place was nice. Steven made good money, and he had a tendency to spoil me when he was in a good mood. Jewelry was his favourite. I had more than I would ever need, because he didn’t really like going out socially so when was I going to wear it?

I liked staying home, too, since Steven was usually in a better mood when we did.

“Then why don’t you want the life of ease I could provide for you?” He looked hurt. “I work so hard.”

“I do want that... I’m just... Steve, I’m sorry.”

“I know you are. You’re a good girl. I’m just worried that someone’s going to take advantage of you, and that I won’t be there to protect you.”

“I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“You’ll never have to find out. You’ll always be my girl. I love you.”

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He had molded me into such an obedient doll and I felt so foolish that I’d let him manipulate me into acting like someone I was not, for all the times when I didn’t see straight through his words to the truth of what he was doing.

At least in the memories where he was harsh and cruel and violent I hated him.

In the ones when he lulled me with sweet words and soft mannerisms, I hated myself.