36 Shower

Amanda Mature

I woke up to the sound of Porter breathing, deep and even. His eyes were closed and his arm rested heavy on my shoulder.

My first instinct was to sneak out and I seriously considered following it considering how emotionally drained I was. I avoided specific memories of those years like the plague.

Porter would definitely be upset if I did that, though. And I found I didn’t want to upset him and not for the same reasons I hadn’t wanted to upset my ex. I sighed and shuffled around a bit. If I woke him up first he couldn’t complain about me ghosting him later. “Porter?”

He groaned a bit.

“Hey, Porter.”

“Amanda,” he mumbled my name as his eyes opened and those concerned blue eyes looked at me. My heart skipped a beat like a lovesick puppy jumping up for a treat.

“I think I should go.”

“What time is it?” he asked. He wasn’t that good at hiding his disappointment.

“I don’t know.” I felt around for my phone and couldn’t find it. “Where’s my phone?”

“On the counter still?”

“Guess I should let you go.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, although I wasn’t that enthusiastic about the idea. I didn’t want to be here with Porter, but not being here with Porter felt even worse. “Maybe I could stay a little while longer.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Potentially.”

He smiled. “I’d like that.”

“Fine but I need to get cleaned up.”

I pushed up and away from him. My phone was right where he thought it was, and I wandered down the hall to the bathroom, making myself at home. I found my toothbrush from my forced stay was still in the cabinet, as was the brush I had been using, so I tried to make myself look more presentable with one hand while I checked my phone with the other.

Besides a couple of uninteresting texts I disregarded, Lisa had asked me if I was alive. It was from hours ago so I shot back a quick text telling her that I was. Her response was almost instantaneous.

Lisa: So Porter didn’t murder you again? Sweet. If he keeps up this no-murder streak maybe we’ll have to start considering him trustworthy.

Amanda: Yes, maybe. I’m like 90% sure he’s not a murderer.

I wouldn’t actually bet money he’d never killed anyone in some brutal werewolf way considering his desire to punish Steven, but I doubted he would do it in cold blood purely because he enjoyed it. Was I rationalizing more red flags, or did werewolves have a different morality than humans, or were there times that killing was justified?

Lisa: I’d take those odds. With how hot he is, you can just ignore that last 10%.

And now I was jealous again? Ugh. I was still a conflicted mess, and I was tired of it. I just wanted to have Porter without the complications but something kept stopping me from moving forward. I wanted to move forward.

Footsteps in the hall preceded a knock on the door. “Do you need a towel? I can go borrow some more of Carrie’s clothing for you if you want,” he offered.

“I know where the towels are,” I reminded him. During my confinement I’d left Kain’s and Max’s rooms mostly untouched once I’d figured out whose room was whose, but the common areas and Porter’s room hadn’t gotten that same deference. I’d been through everything thanks to my resentful snooping. I even knew where his condom stash was.

I was sick of all the waiting.

I didn’t give myself time to reconsider the crazy thought that barely flickered in my mind. All I knew was that I was tired of this uncomfortable stalemate we’d been in for the last month. I threw open the door to see his retreating back. He turned curiously at the sound, and I stepped out and grabbed him by the arm and started dragging him back with me.

“Amanda?”

“Shut up Porter.”

“Okay, I will once I figure out what you’re doing.”

“I’m not drunk so you’ve got no excuses,” I said, shutting and locking the door behind him, while trying to shut off my brain long enough to get this started.

He just looked confused. I ignored the expression as I turned on the shower, and then I pulled my shirt over my head. My bra followed, then the rest of the clothing ended up in a pile on the floor. His shock would have been funny if it hadn’t been so frustrating. I stepped into the shower behind the curtain. Then I peeked my head out. “Are you coming in?”

He just gaped at me like I’d hit his pause button for a painfully long second, and then his clothes were gone as if by magic and he followed me into the shower. I grabbed his shampoo and worked it into my hair while I shamelessly checked him out. He looked even better than I remembered, he was clearly not some soft city boy. My eyes wandered up to his face and met his eyes, watching my expression rather than looking elsewhere.

How much more obvious did I have to get. He was clearly aroused but keeping his hands to himself like he had been doing ever since I had stopped running away from him. “Porter?”

He cocked an eyebrow.

“I’m sober. Like you wanted me to be. Isn’t that why you wouldn’t do what I wanted last night? Or when I was stuck here before? I’m trying, Porter.”

“I can see that.”

I was scared of getting into something I couldn’t get out of, but maybe he was scared too. Scared I’d leave him and hurt him again. “If we don’t move forward we’re not going to get anywhere.”

“What is this then? Mates with benefits? Because I will go along with that, but—”

“It’s not that. Not just that. I’ve promised you two things. I won’t be with anyone else. And I’m not going to ghost you. And I meant it.” I took a deep breath and blurted out a confession of what I didn’t want to be true. “’Cause I don’t think I can want anyone else anymore. And I don’t think I can want to not be with you anymore. And I don’t think it’s going to be easy, but if we’re going to do this I’d like some of those benefits along with all the other crappy stuff.” I glanced down to where he was clearly already enthusiastic for me and then back to his face hopefully.

The space between us was gone in a heartbeat, and his mouth was devouring mine in the next, and his hands wandered, and all unpleasant thoughts were blasted straight out of my head. I could feel him against my stomach, and I reached down to elicit a groan from him. “Slow down,” he said, breaking the kiss just long enough to speak before returning to my lips.

“I’ve had enough slow,” I complained before he captured my mouth again, and hoisted me up against the wall of the shower. I wrapped my arms around his neck and clung onto him.

He slipped slowly inside me until he bottomed out and I shivered. I had craved this so much. Pinned by his weight and the delicious feeling of him inside me again after such a long time of lack, and the deep animalistic sounds he made while he withdrew and plunged back in again and again curled my toes.

Again and again he hit exactly the spot that felt so good I couldn’t take it. “Porter, keep going.”

His response sounded more like a growl than words, and I didn’t care what they meant as long as he didn’t stop. His body both excited and soothed my aching nerves, and I contracted around him, digging my nails into his back as he shoved deep one final time and held there as his release shot into me.

“Oh, shit.” He froze for a long moment.

“I’m still on the pill,” I said with a shrug. I wasn’t worried, and he should have been able to tell by the huge stupid smile on my face. That had felt so good. I really should have tried this sober sex with Porter thing a lot sooner.

He lowered me to stand on my own shaky legs, but it didn’t matter because I just held onto his shoulder.

“Better hope it works on werewolves.” His voice was grave and his eyes worried as he searched my face.

“It’s my cycle it affects. It should be fine. Unless you’re going to give me fleas or something worse.”

“I do not have fleas,” he said, almost sounding offended. “And most infections can’t beat our immune systems.”

“You’re so spoiled. I bet you don’t even have to work for these,” I complained as I ran my hand over his shoulder and down his stomach. I wasn’t really complaining. He twitched and I smiled at his reaction to my touch as I stepped back into the stream of water to rinse off.

“Yeah, I don’t, because I’m working all the time. When we’re not building something we’re running the perimeter or training.”

“Well, that seems more fair.”

“It is probably easier for us than humans.”

“Then we’re back to unfair. But I guess I don’t really mind.” I deliberately leered at him as he slipped around me and washed himself off. And then my stomach growled.

Porter didn’t miss it. He glanced at my complaining midriff and grinned. “I think I need to feed you.”

I rolled my eyes but didn’t argue.