9

It’s been about two weeks since I kissed Ivan and my anxiety has been through the roof. He said he wasn’t angry or uncomfortable but he seems so far away lately even when he is right next to me. I keep replaying that day’s events in my head over and over looking for an answer that would help me get him to stop being so spacy around me. That day he told me there was a lot of meaning behind kissing someone, more than the simple ‘wanting to be together forever’ statement. I wonder if he misunderstood my answer as another one of my innocently stupid answers but it wasn’t. I know kissing someone meant more than that but I am far too afraid of how he will feel if he knew all the meanings behind that kiss. For me it meant I was comfortable with him, trusted him, desired to be with him, and  un-innocently craved him. Part of me wants to blurt out my feelings blindly and hope for the best but there is still that weak part of me that feels too unworthy of Ivan’s affection to believe he could ever truly want me.

Ivan’s POV:

Lately I find myself lost in my thoughts more than usual ever since Mocha kissed me. That kid is far too innocent and sheltered to know what something like that truly means between adults. You don’t go kissing grown men while you’re in his bed unless you’re either clueless or completely aware of what you're doing and do it on purpose. When I look at Mocha I see a young boy still full of innocence and purity. I would be a fool to desire this boy in anyway more than I already have him.

I am pulled out of my thoughts when I overhear Mocha’s laughter from our room as I walk up to the door ready to enter. My hand rests on the knob as I hear him giggling to himself and I feel curiosity pull at me. Opening the door I smile at him softly before questioning, “What so funny little mouse?” He stops laughing and looks up to meet my gaze before looking back down to his phone screen. “I was talking to a new internet friend and they said something funny,” he sounded as if he were unsure if I was okay with him having a friend. Although I felt a small twinge of jealousy hearing him laugh a way he never did for me but I didn’t want him to feel like he couldn’t have friends so I smiled reassuringly before nodding acknowledgement of his response.

“Getting along nicely then I assume?,” sitting next to him he shyly nods and shows me his phone. I look down to see messages between him and the stranger talking about random things they like to do and other things about themselves. My eyes flash over their last few messages and I look at them with an uncertain feeling in my chest.

(Bold is Mocha and Italics are the stranger ‘Donny’)

Do u think we could meet up someday soon to hang out maybe? We live on the same side of town so we could meet in a public cafe.

I don’t know if I can do that Donny

Please at least think about it, Squeaker :)

I look up at Mocha and he looks nervous as if waiting for me to tell him he can’t go. “Do you want to meet up with him, Squeaker?”, I mimic the nickname the guy gave him. He bites at his lip and avoids my gaze as he nods his head softly in response. “Then tell him you can meet him tomorrow at the Cafe’ near The City Library around 1. I’ll bring you but I can sit at a different table to give you guys space but I won’t leave you alone completely because it’s dangerous to meet strangers alone”, I watched his face carefully waiting so see how he reacts to my conditions for the meeting. To my surprise without any questions he simply smiled and gave me a quick “Thank you” before grabbing his phone to inform his friend.

I am still unsure of how I feel about this guy getting close to Mocha but maybe it will help him feel more free in his life. Part of me feels jealous of a new person entering my little mouse’s life but another part of me is hoping he can be a good friend to Mocha because he deserves at least that much.