32| Babies

Chapter Thirty-Two

Alice

It had been exactly two weeks since my kidnapping, and Alessio had been by my side at every turn. He's held my body when I jerked awake in cold sweats. He never let me leave the house by myself, and he did all the grocery shopping when we couldn't get it delivered.

And now, while one hand is on the wheel. The other is holding my hand as we drive to the gynecologist to check on the elephant in the room. One we hadn't discussed anything about in the last two weeks until yesterday morning when I was heaving over the toilet from morning sickness.

And then we could no longer ignore it. No one knows about this, and I'm not sure I even want to know or confirm this as true-that I'm pregnant again. I pull my hand to my stomach, then quickly remove it as if my own body isn't mine and stare at the city as it passes us by.

We're quiet when Alessio parks the car, gets out and opens my door for me. I look up the office. I hadn't been here since my check-up after Annabella's stillbirth-confirming that I was still able to get pregnant, amongst other things. Alessio grasps my hand and walks me into the office. He tells the receptionist my name.

I read the signs.

What to do when you're expecting?

Pregnancy Health 101

How to ensure a healthy baby.

I look back to my feet. I read all of those articles, combing through them as if they were a bible to a young priest. I could probably recite each of those books and articles one by one. They call my name, and we head to the back. They weigh me, and I pee in a cup before I take off my shirt, exchange it for the gown, and lie on my back, ready to be probed.

All while Alessio says nothing, only taking his seat on the chair. His leg jumps as he looks at me, then to the door. "How are you feeling?" I ask.

"Fine," he coughs out. "You?" He asks.

"A little sick," I look up at the ceiling. "Do you wanna get some lunch after this?"

"Sure. Yeah, Aria is spending some time with her friend tonight."

The doctor walks and smiles at us with an ultrasound machine behind her, causing all the air in my gut to escape me. "So, congratulations," she smiles. "The results came in, and you are, in fact pregnant." I hate her smile and the way she says this. This was why I liked her before. She was so happy and whimsical, describing the joys of life to me and Alessio like it was something to be commemorated, not mourned. She looks at me, then Alessio, and stiffens a cough. "Alice, honey, can you pull up your shirt."

I do as instructed. She puts on her gloves, putting the gel on my stomach. It's cold, but my eyes go immediately to the tiny screen. She moves the machine around my stomach, stopping at what looks to be my baby in its sac. "And looky here," she smiles. "There's the baby."

"How many weeks?" Alessio asks while I'm too stunned at the screen.

"Well..." she stares at the screen. "Looks to be about nine weeks." Nine weeks...about how long since Alessio and I fucked on the dining room table. I look at him, and it registers in his head the exact moment it happened. She moves the machine along my abdomen, and then the room is filled with a sound that I never thought I would hear again coming from me-a heartbeat, one so strong that I begin to tear up.

"How does it...how does it look? The baby?"

"Well," the doctor smiles. "It seems to be the size of a grape, which is right where it's supposed to be. In about five weeks, we might be able to tell the sex. Now, it's been a while since I've seen you, but this is your second pregnancy?"

I continue staring at the little grape of a person inside of me. "Yes," Alessio answers. "Our daughter...she was stillborn."

"Yes," she nods her head and turns her attention to me. "A lot of women, after experiencing a stillborn, have a lot of anxiety and doubts about being pregnant again."

"Can it...can it happen again?" Alessio asks for me, already knowing something I fear to ask myself.

The doctor smiles, "there's a less than one percent chance, and with proper monitoring and healthy eating and exercising, it goes down even more from there. But," she turns off the machine. "There are times where mothers experiencing stillbirths decide another route." Alessio stiffens, and I stare at the doctor with wide eyes. "You still have a two-week window to stop the pregnancy safely."

Alessio opens his mouth and then looks at me, stunned that she would even say such a thing. He looks at me, waiting for me to say something along the lines of no...or no thank you or even ways to make the pregnancy go by sooner, but none of the words come out of me-not a single one even when I wipe off the gel, put on my clothes and walk to the car.

And he doesn't say a word either, even when we drive home instead of going to lunch.

~

Dr.Avery stares at me as I look out the window down below like the first time I met her. Story watching, I call it-officially. I like to look down at people and think of their stories, dissociating Dr.Avery would call it in a medical sense. Or a simple way to put it, is me focusing on other things to avoid my problems that I cannot or refuse to face.

Last week, I had plenty of material on my kidnapping to get me through the session but now. This pregnancy as fucked up as it sounds may have a literal kidnapping beat on the scaring the shit out of Alice meter. A good distraction some would call it that keeps me up at night at the growing child inside of me quoted at being perfectly healthy.

"Alice, it's been twenty minutes, and you've been staring out the window. The last time you did this was when you first came to see me a few years ago. I thought we built a relationship where you could talk to me."

She's right, keeping it in won't help me. I swallow in my breath and head for the chair. Alessio is in the parking lot, probably thinking of ways to talk to me about this. For the last two days, we haven't had a true conversation about this-my decision that fear itself is going to make me go for.

Even though half of me is screaming no.

"Dr.Avery, I'm pregnant," I out and say.

She smiles first, then falters when she sees my grim face. "How far along?"

"Nine weeks...I haven't told anyone except for Alessio. We um...went to the doctor and she said everything is growing perfectly fine. Um," a tear rolls out of my eyes. "She said if I wanted to make a decision I had a two week window and I...I don't know."

"Alice-"

"And I'm so goddamn scared, Dr.Avery. Like fuck! Annabella dying fucked me up so badly,, and I'm so scared it's going to happen again and like fuck! Shit, damnit fuck!"

"Alice."

"Does this make me a bad person? A part of me wants another child but the other half, the louder side of me is saying no...it could happen again. It will happen again and the little piece of happiness that I fought for tooth and nail will be ripped apart from me. And I'll rather not take that chance at all. I don't know what to do or what to even say Dr.Avery."

"Fear, Alice. It is clouding your judgement, making you want to do things that I don't think you truly want to do. What I see you don't want to do," she ushers to my stomach, that I didn't even realize I was holding.

"I'm so scared Dr.Avery," I croak out, cradling my stomach.

She gets up from her seat and hugs me, cradding me towards her chest. "I know Alice. I know honey." And I cry, letting out months of hurt that I didn't know I was still holding in. "But this decision. I feel like if you make it you'll regret it."

"And I feel like if I don't I will break when it blows up in my face again. Because I'm so goddamn broken."

~

I left my therapy session a few minutes later than usual after I cried in Dr.Avery arms. Alessio sat in the car, with the seat pulled back, napping when I got into the car. I slam the door and his eyes shot open. "How was it?" He asks recomposing himself.

I don't bother with the pretenses or some monotone answer that will push this inevitable conversation. "Alessio. I'm scared to have this baby. Really fucking scared so scared that I don't even want the possibility that I could hold another dead child of mine in my arms." I place a hand on my stomach. "So, I'm sorry but I don't think I want to do it."

He rests his head on the steering wheel. "So what? You're done before you even see it work out?"

"It can happen again!" I yell out.

"Or not! It's less than a one percent chance Alice!"

"And that's too goddamn high for me Alessio!" I shout back.

"So you rather not try! Is that it?" He yells, making me falter back. "Because if you want to give up this child because you're afraid and you won't even give it a chance then I cannot agree. I did not marry some weak woman who would throw in the towel before it's time to even play."

"Alessio. You saw what happened last time. It broke me and it took me over a year, a month of psychward treatments and so many pills to even get here! I can't. I cannot do it again."

He chuckles, and looks to my hand covering my stomach like a protective bear. "Really because it looks like you're disagreeing yourself. You want this baby!"

I grit my teeth. "No! Stop it! Take me home!" I shout dropping my hand from my stomach.

"No, we're gonna talk until one of us agrees with a final decision. You say that you don't want this child because of what happened before. I get it but I cannot accept that. I wanted to give you the choice and I wanted to do whatever you wanted to do but you're only saying no because of fear and nothing else. What happened to Annabella broke something in you...us! And I know that it's hard and it's so goddamn scary but fuck Alice...this isn't the right choice. Not, trying is not the right choice. I love you! I loved Annabella! And I will love this child that I know will be happy and healthy."

"Alessio..."

"You are such a strong woman-so fucking strong for all the shit you've been through that most people would need to be strapped to a table, and fed pills to for the rest of their lives if they went through this. Alice...do not let fear hold you back, us back for another bit of happiness," he says, with a tear falling down his face. "So, if a part of you even a smidget of you want this baby then let's do it. We owe it to ourselves this chance Alice. I know you and as soon as it's over you're gonna regret it."

"I'm scared Alessio," I repeat over and over again. "I'm so scared."

"I know," he kisses my forehead. "But I know in my heart that it's gonna be okay. This, our lives and our future child is gonna be okay because me and you are gonna have our happy ending-one that we deserve."

MAKE SURE YOU GUYS VOTE AND COMMENT AND SHARE! IT REALLY HELPS ME OUT!

Wow, that was beautiful. I really outdid myself with this final chapter.

I hope I haven't offended anyone or caused a discourse or even made it seem like anyone was forcing Alice to keep her child. If that's the case please message me and I can make this chapter a bit better.

I belive or tried to portray it as if she wanted to have a child but was too scared too. Please and I reitterate please tell me if it didn't come across that way. I want there to be nothing but peace and love

Guys make sure you check out the Epilogue and Story facts!!!!!

I hope you all have a super, amazing day, night, evening, and afternoon.

Bye~