Chapter Eleven

Kian

Until now, I never knew that pain could ever mean something good. Pain was always associated with punishment and humiliation, followed by fear and insecurity. Bruises, blood, and anger were the only pain that I knew.

Then Bridger forced me to start working out. Rigorously – a word I didn't know until now. It was really embarrassing at first to be in the gym with all these other high-ranking and fit members of Bridger's back, but he explained to me that no one would be paying me any attention. It was true. Everyone there minded their own business and paid me no mind as I struggled to lift 20lbs weights.

By the fourth day of waking up after long workouts, my muscles were sore and tense, but the pain was far different than what I was used to. It felt good. I knew that I was going to experience soreness, and I was prepared to hate it and feel terrible until my body got used to it, but I was pleasantly surprised when I realized that I actually liked it. Is there something wrong with me for liking this kind of pain?

I massage my right shoulder as I brush my teeth with my right hand. It's seven in the morning, and Bridger told me that alongside working out in the gym today, we'd also be outside. He wants to run in our wolf forms, but I have a feeling that it won't be as easy as he thinks it is. I haven't changed into my wolf form since I was a pup. I'm not sure I remember how to do it. Not to mention, with Syrus being gone, the transformation will come solely from me with no help from my actual wolf, unlike most werewolves. I shudder at the thought of feeling every single one of my bones breaking into dust and reforming to match those of a wolf. Usually, our wolf would try to take on the pain and make the process smoother, but not for me. It's not going to be a pleasant experience.

"So you're letting the beta train you? For what?"

Peyton's voice startles me and I nearly drop my toothbrush as I turn to look at him. His eyes droop from sleep and his brown hair sticks up towards the right side of his head. He's been very stressed since we got here but he's recently calmed down enough to sleep better and his face is beginning to look much more lively than what I remember. He's starting to look better but he still frowns and scowls at everyone.

I spit out the excess toothpaste before answering, "because I want to."

"What're you gaining from it?"

"Strength? Knowledge? Everything that I missed out on when we lived at home," I state with an eye roll. "Peyton, this is good for me. It would be good for you too if you let him help you but you're too stubborn—"

He shakes his head as he cuts me off. "You're too trusting, Kian. All the shit you've been through and yet you fall into the arms of the first person that shows you kindness. Are you stupid?"

"I'm not doing that!" I exclaim, my hands balling into fists. "I trust him because it's obvious how much he cares about omegas. He's helped the ones here."

"What did they give him in return?"

I open my mouth to respond but nothing comes out so I clamp it shut. Did Bridger get something in return after he helped Keira and the other omegas? Does he want something from me? What could he want?

"No..." I shake my head and look ar Peyton. "I want to believe that he's not like all the others. He's nice, Peyton."

He scoffs at that as he turns back around to walk into our dark room. "Whatever you say, Kian."

I understand Peyton's worry. I'm scared just like him and I'm so sick of it. I'm so so so tired of being scared and questioning everything around me. I just want to be safe and secure; I want to be able to stand up for myself and protect myself and Peyton and Mika. Walking into this blindly and not knowing Bridger's actual motives behind his kindness to me is terrifying and I find myself questioning everything we do together but I still do it. Is it stupid? Maybe? But why can't I be hopeful for a change?

I may be a little more or a lot more dumb than everyone else but even I know that not everyone in this world is evil. I just...I have to give Bridger and his lessons a chance. Right?

I stare at myself in the mirror. The bruises my old alpha gave me are healed and my skin is smooth all over. I haven't seen my skin so...untouched in a long, long time. It almost made me look pure and forget everything that has ever happened to me. I raise my sore arm and touch my ribs. With how I eat here, I imagine I'll have much more fat there soon and I will no longer look so fragile. Maybe I'll become fit and muscular; handsome even.

Maybe then I'll be attractive to someone and I'll have a second chance at a mate. Someone kind and who will see past me being just an omega. Most werewolves are attracted to omegas for our submissiveness but maybe my newfound strength will attract someone who will be attracted to me.

The idea makes me smile just a bit as I try to fix my hair a little. My hair is too curly for me to actually style so I let it do what it wants as I step out of the bathroom and into mine and Peyton's dark room. Peyton lies on his side with his back facing me. He isn't asleep. I linger near the bathroom for a few seconds before hesitantly walking toward his bed.

"Peyton," I start, "just...let me do this."

He doesn't say anything.

"...f-for me. Just let me do this for me. Okay? I-I never got to make my own decisions, Peyton, you know that. So just stop worry—"

"Okay," is all he says without looking at me.

I stay by his bed for a few more seconds, trying to decide if he genuinely understands me or just wants me to leave him alone. Peyton is my best friend and he's like my older brother, my mentor, and my parent all in one. I hate the feeling of knowing he's upset with me even if I've done nothing wrong. I really love Peyton and I want him to understand me and support me in this. I want him to do it with me.

He doesn't say anything else so I leave the room. Maybe we'll talk later today.

---

"When's the last time you've shifted?" Bridger asks.

We're sitting near the woods just right outside the big field where some etas and lambdas are training. Bridger sits in front of me wearing beige shorts that hug his big thighs when they bend. He's shirtless and he explained it's because he's going to be shifting a lot and there's no point in wearing too many clothes for this activity. My eyes keep wandering from his face and to his sculpted body and I have to fight to look away from him. I hope he doesn't notice my fight, but in my defense, I've never seen a man as attractive as him treat me so well.

"Um..." I pick at the grass around me as I try to think back to the exact last moment I shifted. "Like...when I was ten? Maybe younger...t-they wanted me to shift so they could measure my wolf and then forbade me doing it again."

His eyebrows shoot up. "Did they give you any kind of blockers? Growth blockers? Wolf blockers?" Anything?"

I shake my head. "They said omegas don't need to shift and that it's unnecessary for us since we'll never need our wolves. They said that over time, we'll forget how to."

"That's insane," Bridger says, "our wolves are incredibly important for our overall health. Shifting is so, so, so important for all wolves as soon as they get the ability to. You haven't shifted into your wolf in nine years, Kian. It'll take some strong willpower and time."

I think about it. I can't remember the feeling of being on all fours and running with the wind through my fur. I don't even remember what it's like to have fur. I want to experience it again.

"Tell me about omega's wolf forms," I say.

He hums as he looks up to the sky and I take the moment to appreciate the way the sun shines down on his muscular chest. He's just a tad bit sweaty from the heat and I watch the way a bead of sweat travels from his neck, between his pecs, and down to his stomach. I swallow thickly and quickly look at the grass between us. I should stop. This is inappropriate and I don't want to make him uncomfortable. I don't want him to think little of me for looking at him in such a way.

"Omegas are the fastest wolves," Bridger says, "y'all usually shift earlier than most, it's the most painful because usually, you guys don't meet your wolf until later in life. For reference, Alphas and Zetas shift pretty late in childhood whereas us...normal wolves shift about mid-childhood. You guys are very slick and well-coordinated — like when you run in the woods at top speed, you can easily dodge any obstacles and win a race between an alpha, beta, or zeta."

I smile and rest my head back against the tree I'm sitting against. I close my eyes and imagine racing through the woods as a wolf, the wind pushing against me but I push harder and it's like I'm flying. My paws barely hit the ground while I glide through trees and brush effortlessly like I've done it all my life.

"I want to run again," I say, "as a wolf. But I don't think I even remember how to walk."

Bridger laughs. "It'll come naturally, we just have to get you there first."

He stands and stretches and I do the same. I guess this is the time I figured out if I remember how to shift or not.

"You have to call on the shift," Bridger explains as he stands in front of me. "Some of us get stage fright so if you need to go deeper into the woods and do it in private, that'll be fine. But anyway, it's like this feeling deep in your core — you'll know it when you feel it — and you grab onto it and let it spread throughout your whole body until you feel your anatomy beginning to change. For you, it'll be painful since your bones are used to their human form and your heart may feel like it's pumping out of your chest, but it'll be play, Just embrace it and it'll be over before you know it. It might take a few tries. You might not even get it today or tomorrow."

I nod, taking all his words to heart. He takes a deep breath as he prepares himself for his shift. I wait patiently, watching the way his muscles contract and contort his skin as his shift comes along. I can hear his bones cracking and the sound makes me cringe but I continue to watch as his form breaks down. His shorts rip and he goes to his knees. I take a step back as I watch his arms break backward and his legs shorten while his torso grows longer. All the while, dark gray fur sprouts from his skin, rapidly growing over his formerly nude body.

The freakiest part about it is the way his face changes. His ears suck into his head while bigger ones form further on top, his eyes grow smaller and are hidden by fur until it fits around his face better. His jaw grows outward and I'm glad the fur covers it because I know that it would've been a terrible sight to see.

His shift is done after his tail comes out. Bridger stands strongly on all fours and I take the time to take in his gorgeous wolf. He's huge, standing slightly above my belly but then again, I'm pretty short but I'm sure if he stood on his hind legs, he'd tower over me just as he does in his human form.

He shakes his body from side to side, his tail whooshing back and forth as he walks towards me. I reach my hand out, eager to touch his fur but I quickly retract it, thinking it might be weird to pet him. He sits down close to me and brings his nose towards my hand as if permitting me to pet him and I slowly do it, resting my hand on his head.

"Your fur is really soft," I note as I gently rub my hand down until I reach his neck. His fur consists of mostly dark gray but as I pet him, I notice white and brown hairs as well. I giggle a bit as I take his head in my hands and mess up the thick fur around his face a bit.

He pulls away from me and uses his muzzle to nudge me away. I think this is his way of saying your turn because I clearly forgot what we were here to do in the first place.

I feel my face get a little warm as i back away from him. "Right, sorry."

I look down at my body, wondering if I'll ruin the clothes Bridger's pack so kindly gave me and if there'll be any waiting for me if I do successfully shift. I don't want anyone to see my body and while we're far from the people training, I know Bridger will be watching and that's enough to make me feel self-conscious. But he did let me watch him shift so maybe it's not that big of a deal?

I think about it before deciding that it is.

"Um...I'm gonna try over here," I point at a big tree that would easily hide me if I needed it. Bridger's wolf nods before he lies down on his stomach as if saying we have all day and to take my time — something he'd definitely tell me if he could.

I make my way towards the tree, stepping behind it and making sure no one can see me. When I know I'm out of sight, I whisper ok to myself before closing my eyes tight. Bridger didn't explain how to call on my shift and I don't have Syrus to help me so for a while, I just stand there, feeling stupid. I don't feel anything deep in my core. Should I imagine myself as a wolf? I try to do that, but my imagination only shows Bridger's wolf, not even able to imagine my own.

I sigh, tightly forming fists. I open my eyes and stare at the woods before me. I could be running right now with Bridger and actually embracing the freedom I've been granted thanks to him but here I am, stopped once again by my old pack and the horrors they've subjected me to.

Tears sting my eyes and I angrily wipe them away. It's unfair. They're always going to be a part of me no matter how hard I try to forget them.

"Hey."

I flinch and move away from the tree as Bridger appears from around it. He's shifted back and has a new pair of shorts on. He catches my attempt at discreetly wiping my eyes and his face softens.

"Hey," his voice goes softer, "it's okay if you can't do it right now. I told you it'll take some time."

I shake my head as my eyes start to sting again. "I-It's not just that..."

"Then talk to me," he says as he sits down. I stare at him and he looks up at me, expecting me to sit down with him.

"What did they give him in return?"

Expecting me to fall into his arms. Expecting me to pay him back in some way.

"W-What do you want from me?" I whisper.

He frowns. "What do you mean?"

"You're...you're being too nice to me. A-And...I just want to know what you want."

"Kian, I don't want anything. I told you this, I just want to help you and your friends. You have to trust me, Kian."

I stare down at him for a while, his green eyes burning through me. This feels wrong, a higher-ranking member below me and looking up at me while I look down at him. I want to trust him. I want to make this decision for myself, but I feel heavy from mine and Peyton's argument today.

"You told me you had a plan," I start, "what is that plan?"

His frown disappears as he sighs and looks at the ground.

"It's not fool-proof right now," he says, "but I have...an idea. Something unknown, unorthodox but...doable. I don't want to tell you right now, I don't want to get your hopes up. But just know, if I can figure out a way for it to work, it will and it will benefit you, your friends, and so many other omegas."

The last part catches my attention and I want to press on to get more information but I don't. I try to find some evil gleam behind his eyes, a smirk on his lips, a darkness over his face but nothing shows. He looks genuine, like he desperately wants me to trust him.

"Can you trust me on this?" Bridger asks. "If not, just let me prove myself. Let's keep doing these trainings and you can decide if you trust me."

"Okay," I nod.

I'm not blindly trusting or falling into his arms as Peyton thinks. I'm thinking for myself; no more second-guessing.

---

Word Count: 3050