Chapter Nineteen

Trigger Warning: talks of bullying and suicide

Bridger

While the ball has already been rolling since Kian was finally filled in on the plan, Jenna having her pup has sort of sped up the pace of the ball. While I knew that Jenna would give birth at any time, I wasn't expecting it to be this early and now I've realized just how unprepared Kian is. I have stayed in contact with Corzo and he has agreed to continue with Kian's training and more in-depth since we are in a time crunch. I just feel bad for not training Kian as intensely as I should have.

As we make our way into the woods, I look up at the night sky and search for the moon. The full moon is coming soon which means Goddess is closer to Earth than She usually is. I'm hoping that my plan tonight will work with Her being so close to us now.

Then again, maybe I'm just too religious.

As we near closer to Kian's departure, I want him to be equipped for his new role. Two huge parts of being a werewolf are our ability to shift and our connection to our wolf. Kian has neither. While I can't force his wolf to return to him, I want him to be able to shift before he leaves. We have been trying over and over but to no avail, but tonight, I'm hopeful.

"What are we doing?" Kian finally asks as soon as we stop.

When I turn to look at him, he looks weary. I try not to take offense to it, seeing as he likely still has some mistrust towards wolves of a higher rank. It's normal for him and has nothing to do with me...I hope.

"We're going to shift," I answer.

He sighs and looks down at the ground. He's become insecure and annoyed with himself for not being able to shift. But I've constantly supported him while he tried and made sure to not make him feel bad. However, he needs to shift before he leaves and now I need to rush it.

"Kian, you have to shift," I say, "I've told you that you will be able to eventually, it's hard for you because Syrus is dormant but I know you can shift. It's important that you shift before you leave."

"I know...it's just...I can't," Kian says as he leans against a tree and crosses his arms. "I don't know how. I can't do it. I don't know what to feel or think when trying. I just..." he trails off, shaking his head and staring at the ground.

Explaining to someone how to shift is incredibly hard since shifting is an ability that all wolves have. It's as natural. Shifting is like hitting puberty - everyone goes through it and you can't tell them how to do it, you can only prepare them for it. Then it becomes second nature once we master the transformation through our adolescence. For me, it's so easy and natural that I don't even have to think about it. My body is already acting before I call upon it and before I know it, I've fully shifted.

So I can't begin to explain to Kian how to do it, I can only guide him through it. It's all on him to feel the pull and to push himself through it since Syrus isn't with him to help. I can feel Jace's sadness at the idea of not having a wolf and not being able to shift into one.

"You do know how," I say, "it's in you as a werewolf, you just have to find it."

It's a stupid thing to say, but I don't know what else to tell him.

He looks up at me and I look down at him. He looks absolutely ethereal with the pale moonlight shining over him. There's a slight breeze tonight and his curls bounce around as the wind blows through them. He looks a little annoyed with me, I think he's trying to hide it, but I can't help but smile. It only makes his frown deepen before he breaks eye contact and looks down to the ground.

"Think about the omegas you will be helping," I say, walking a little closer to him. I touch underneath his chin and gently guide his head to look up at me. My heart does something crazy and pray to Goddess that he didn't hear it.

"There are probably many omegas in your same position: abandoned by their wolves and having the main thing that makes them a werewolf taken away. When you learn to shift, you will be able to help them much better than I'm helping you now. And you'll be able to run with them in your fur...Mika, Jenna, Katie, Peyton..."

He stares at me for a while but I know I've resonated with him. Like all omegas, Kian loves to help. It is quite literally in their genes to want to help. So I know the idea of being able to help his friends do something so important as this will push him to try even harder.

"Okay, I'll try again," he says as he pushes away from the tree.

I step away from him to give him space. After a while of doing this, he stopped trying to hide away. Shifting can be temperamental and some wolves are more shy than others so they have to hide, but he told me that he doesn't think hiding away will make it any easier.

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. He's rigid, I can tell from his clenched fists. I understand how irritating this is for him but he has to be able to shift before time is up. Starting tomorrow, I know that Arron will be on my ass to get Kian and his friends out of his pack. So the faster Kian can get started at shifting, the better.

"If you can even feel the pull when you call on it, that's progress," I say as if that's any help. I know it's not. I honestly have no idea how to help him.

After a while, Kian gets frustrated and releases an annoyed huff. His eyes open and he looks at me.

"It's hopeless," he says.

"Do you feel anything when you try? A pull...anything?"

Kian shakes his head, making me frown. While it's rare for a wolf to lose their ability to shift, research states that they can usually relearn and master the ability. Kian has suppressed his shift for so long, but it should still be within him and it shouldn't be this hard to find. Well, it isn't Kian who purposefully suppressed his shift. Then it hits me and suddenly I feel both incredibly stupid and inconsiderate.

"I haven't considered that the main reason you can't shift right now is because of your old pack," I say. "It's like trying to force something to move when there's another weight not allowing it to move. For you...maybe that weight is pent-up trauma."

Shrugging, he just shakes his head and whispers, "they'll always be with me."

He likely meant for it to be to himself, but I still heard. He sits on the ground, defeated, and for a second, I feel bad for sharing my realization. It's definitely not encouraging to hear someone tell you that you're too traumatized to move on with your life. I certainly hope that he didn't understand it that way and I start to beat myself up for not wording it differently.

I join him on the ground. My initial thought is to mediate the situation the best I can. Perhaps, I should tell him that his old pack - if that's who 'they' is - is past him now. But that would be untrue because he's right, his old pack will always be with him. He'll need a therapist to help him get past his traumas because it would be foolish of both of us to believe that he'll just get over them by himself.

"Yeah," I say, focusing on a patch of grass, "they will. We can't run away from our pasts, but that doesn't mean that the traumas and burdens we carry can't become lighter. They'll become lighter and then one day, we'll almost forget that what happened happened."

"What happened to you?" his voice is still whisper and for some reason, I feel that he's reading me more than I wish. As a beta, I'm supposed to be the unreadable one. But working with Kian, I've discovered that he's far more unreadable than I am. Even now, if he wasn't talking and I couldn't hear the tone of his voice, his odd blank stare would send me running around in my head.

"Sometimes...most times...I internalize people's traumas and burdens and I make them my own," I admit, "and I've gotten better at not doing that, but there's one thing that happened back in high school that I can't shake and I don't know if I'll ever be able to."

He stares at me as I speak. I notice the way my voice shakes from nervousness. I've never told anyone this and I've kept it to myself for years. I don't even know why I'm telling him now.

"I was fifteen - so like ten years ago - and I went to the high school near here, primarily humans, but high werewolf population. We were mostly all high-ranking pack members and I usually just hung around Arron because I was expected to go there solely to keep him out of trouble. But there was one guy there, his name was Liam, and he always kept to himself. He was an omega - the only omega - and...he was bullied terribly. Not even bullied...he was tortured at school. And I would just stand there and let it happen. Right there in front of me. The werewolves would make disgusting advances on him and harass him constantly. And I would just stand there and listen to them talk about him..."

I stare at the ground, feeling disgusting and ashamed. Jace stays quiet but I can feel his shame - something he hardly ever feels since it's "too much of a human emotion".

"And then one day, I was in the bathroom when Liam came running in. I was washing my hands and he was being chased by some alphas who harassed him a lot. They were pushing and hitting him and then one of them pushed him onto the ground and forced his shirt off. I stepped in, then, fearing the worst but we all stopped when we saw all the bruises on him. They were everywhere, Kian. His entire torso was just black, purple, and yellow. They left, laughing and joking. I helped him, I told him the best way to heal those bruises, I apologized, and then I just went on my way. I wanted to talk to him, but anytime I paid him any attention, the others would swoop in and start terrorizing him again. I just...left him alone and let it happen. I let it happen. Then one day, he just stopped showing up. I asked around, everyone joked that he must have been put in his place or killed. I found his pack and turns out, he had killed himself. That day I helped in that bathroom, he spat at me-" I laugh, "he spat at me and he told me don't try to act like you're any different. You are all the same."

I run my hand down my face and glance up at Kian. As usual, his face is unreadable. I want to know what he's thinking. If he thinks I'm disgusting for being a coward bystander. I desperately want to save myself. A part of me doesn't want to mar the version of myself I've shown him all this time but another part of me tells me that it's important that he knows. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'll fit right into the idea he already has about higher ranks. I'll just prove to him that we're all terrible and can't be trusted.

And while I know that I may be terrible, I want him to trust me. Yet I continue.

"When I found out about his death, I went down a rabbit hole to know more about him. I didn't even blame the guys who harassed him at school or the pack that abused him - I blamed myself because I was letting it happen and then telling myself that just because I didn't assault him, I was a good person. I don't believe that anymore, I don't think I'm a good person. But I tried my hardest to learn about him...I even went to his pack as a visitor, telling Arron's dad and my dad that I was going for research. I talked to all the omegas there and they were living such miserable lives, Kian, it was so...miserable. And what did I do? What did I say? Nothing. Then I met Liam's mother who was torn to pieces that her son was dead. You know what she told me when I told her that I stood there while he was being harassed and assaulted? I told her to be honest with me, to let her bitterness out. And she did, she screamed at me. She told me that all of us - alphas, betas, zetas - we're all cowards. We're all weak, she said. She said that Liam, herself, the other omegas are the strongest wolves she knows because we pick on people who are smaller than us. Anyway, it's not like those themselves traumatized me, it just made me realize that she's right. And since then, I just...I don't know, I just knew that I had to do something someday. For Liam and his mother."

I remember everything as if it happened yesterday. I remember Liam crying in the bathrooms or the library and me just ignoring it. I remember Arron telling me to just let it go because omegas die faster so there's nothing that could be done. As if that made any sense. Arron never directly bullied Liam, but he would laugh and joke around with those who did. Laugh about raping him, beating him down so close to death. I remember how gross I felt listening to their words, but I said nothing. And then I remember the pack. As I walked through, there was screaming coming from somewhere and when I asked who or what that was, the Phi told me oh, that's probably just an omega. Then as I got closer to the omega's quarters, there was a smell. It smelt like decay.

I close my eyes. I'm not looking for sympathy from Kian because Goddess knows I don't deserve it. However, Liam, his pack, and my mother are memories that will eat at me for the rest of my life.

"So...that's why you're doing all of this for me?" Kian asks, "to feel better?"

My eyes snap open and I vigorously shake my head. Maybe I tried to save myself a little too much.

"No- No. I'm doing this because I want to, Kian. I- Liam's death shocked me into reality, he's what pushed me to try and become an advocate and to make change. But he's not the reason - or the only reason - I'm helping you. Kian...I saw something in you when you, Peyton, Katie, Mika, and Jenna arrived here. Through the fear, I saw determination and how you forced yourself to warm up and accept my pack despite everything you've been through. I wanted to help you - all of you - because I be damned if I let people suffer right in front of me. I hoped that you'd share my enthusiasm and you did and I learned just how headstrong you are. This plan of mine was a spur-of-the-moment type of thing but I realized that you'd be perfect for it."

He laughs a humorless laugh as he gestures to himself. "I can't even shift, I don't have a wolf. How?"

I take his hands in mine. "You're determined. Many others would see holes in my plan or think it's impossible and decide not to do it. But you saw an opportunity to become someone you really want to be and fight for something you know all too well about and you took it. You're stronger than you think you are and....and I really admire you, Kian. You could have left when Peyton was taken, but you didn't. You stayed and trusted me and I hope that what I just told you won't break this trust because...because I really want you to make this change and-" I'm rambling now, "- I know that you will do great and become this crazy historical figure and I just hope that if you hate me now, that you'll continue to be-"

There aren't many things that can make me go speechless when I'm passionately talking. Arron's stupidity can occasionally reach new levels and blow my mind just enough but aside from that, nothing. I also usually have a really good reaction time and can dodge an attack before the attacker can blink. However, when Kian lifts himself onto his knees and swiftly brings his face close to mine before pressing his soft, plump lips against mine, I find myself both speechless and slowed.

My brain cells melt and ooze out of my ears and I'm afraid he can see that when he moves away and sits back down. He looks as shocked as I feel when he brings his hand up to his mouth and stares at me with wide eyes as if I just kissed him.

"I-I'm sorry for not asking," he says.

"You didn't have to," I say stupidly. My brain cells have yet to rejuvenate themselves. He blinks at me before taking his hand away from his mouth.

"C-Can I...Can we hug?"

Goddess would call me a fool if I rejected him. Scared that I'd embarrass myself more than I already have, I wordlessly open my arms for him to come. He gets up onto his knees and moves towards me in a painfully slow manner as if scared I'd jump at him and eat him. After eons, he settles himself into my arms, his arms creeping around my back painfully slow while he rests his face in my neck.

We've hugged more and more since the first time, but I still can't stop my heart from skipping and doing backflips every time his body is against me. The kiss was spectacular but his hugs - our hugs - turn me to mush every single time. I've never known someone to love a hug more than a kiss, but I just love when his sweet scent engulfs me; I feel as though I'm about to get a toothache if I get too much of it. It's all over my home and I haven't even tried to get rid of it.

Kian moves his head and takes a deep breath before saying,

"I don't hate you."

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Word Count: 3226

I hate this chapter with every cell in my body it's so icky weird. The dialogue is just funky to me...

I hope I'm not speeding their relationship too fast bc...well I have far too many chapters written to change it now 💀💀 (for reference, I've already written up to chapter 32 from this chapter 🤸🏾‍♀️)