Chapter Twenty-Nine

There will be some time skips in the next two chapters which I know is a little annoying for some readers. However, originally, I had given it a 4-month time-skip lmaoo.

Long ass chapter ahead and sorry for the little surprise at the end, I just couldn't help myself 😔 it had to happen, check the tags

TW ⚠️ very brief mention of suicidal thoughts

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Kian

~2 months later

Pain explodes on my side as I fall roughly to the ground. I wheeze as my body slams against the hard floor. I land awkwardly on my shoulder, causing even more pain to my arm and back. I look up as the man above me stalks towards me and raises his foot, no doubt to crush my neck or face. I quickly scoot from under him and try to stand back up but he kicks me again, not letting me escape.

"BLOCK!" Corzo yells, "Block it, Kian."

I know it's just training, but nothing seems to stop the nagging fear in the back of my mind. Even with Bridger, I was always held back by fear and he'd lecture me about how I'll get myself killed if I keep being fearful. I can't help it. I've gotten better at fighting against it, but sometimes my instincts want to just submit to my attacker to make him stop hurting me.

I raise my legs to my chest to check the eta above me. His foot slams into my knees. It's painful but far less painful than being kicked in the gut. As soon as his leg goes back down, I try to stand up. He's faster than me and I'm back on the ground again. I remember Bridger's rant about no matter what happens, I should always land on my back. So I try to. I land on my side and pivot to my back, my feet up again to catch his next kick. When he's close, I shove my foot into the leg he puts all of his weight on when he raises his other to deliver another kick. He grunts in pain and stumbles a bit which makes me kind of proud since that means I'm getting stronger. As he stumbles, I deliver another kick to his stomach though very weak due to my position. He doesn't stumble enough so I keep my feet in front of me so his blows won't cause major damage.

They hurt. He's much bigger than me and every punch and kick feels like I'm being beaten by a bull. I learn to absorb his attacks, though. I learn to use his bigger build against him. I may not be strong or huge, but I'm fast and agile. So I use my own abilities to my advantage. The second he brings his body back to deliver another attack, I move fast. In the blink of an eye, I've pushed myself from underneath him and I scramble to my feet. I balance myself, bracing for his huge form to crash into me. When his body gets close, I swoop from underneath him again and kick him right beside the knee. His legs buckle and he slams onto the ground. This is my time to shine and I do all I can to make sure he can't get up.

"Enough!" Corzo says from the sidelines.

I stop kicking and hitting him and turn to face Corzo. Sweat pours down my face and neck and I pant loudly, placing my hands on my hips. I wince and I lift my shirt up slightly to see a big bruise on my side. It's already healing which never fails to surprise me. I'm healing much faster now that I'm becoming healthier. In the past, it would have taken my body hours or even days to heal.

My opponent, Madison, and I were introduced to each other just a few days after I moved in and we have been practicing with each other ever since. At first, I felt bad and was embarrassed that Corzo was forcing one of his etas to waste time on me. But Madison made it clear that he had volunteered to do it when Corzo asked his etas and that he enjoyed sparing with me. He had even said that I surprised him as he didn't expect me to be so skilled or "after blood" as he liked to put it.

"You need to learn to be one step ahead of your opponent," Corzo continues as he tosses Madison and me some water. "This is just sparing, of course, and I know Madison is going easy on you for the most part – but in a real life setting, your opponent would easily be able to read you and would be several steps ahead of you. You have been sparing on and off these past months and you have gotten great at defense, however, your judgment and offense still need to be improved."

I listen to him intently, my bottle of water hanging in my hand while I pant. I try to ignore the sweat all over my body, but when Madison flips his hair back, and I feel some of his own sweat hit me, I cringe.

"Sorry," Madison says, rubbing the back of his neck, "that's kinda gross, sorry."

"Madison, you can go now," Corzo dismisses, "you need to practice with your team, too."

I look at him, feeling bad for keeping him here even though he has a whole job. He doesn't seem to mind, nodding with a smile. He turns to face me and lands a punch right on my arm. He does this everytime he says goodbye. I've gotten used to it though I still flinch. I actually like that he treats me the way he would treat his team. It means he doesn't see me as weak; someone who needs gentle handling.

"Good work today, dude," Madison says as he backs away from me quickly, offering me a peace sign with his fingers. He nods at Corzo before turning and running off.

When he's gone, Corzo gestures for me to follow him. We are in his pack. Despite all the land that he owns, I was surprised to learn that his pack isn't as huge as I had imagined. He had explained to me that he had no interest in leading a huge pack and that it only become so well-populated due to the high birth rate in Blue Palm. His pack is gorgeous, however, with tall, white buildings and so, so many shops.

Corzo walks in front of me, leading to his packhouse. I follow him silently, enjoying the beauty of his pack and the warm sun. His pack is quiet – much different than my old pack or Arron's pack. Everyone is nice but they mostly keep to themselves and mind their own business. They greet us as we walk by, calling Corzo by his name rather than his title. The quietness is both strange and soothing. I'm just not used to packs like this. Corzo explained that there's no reason for the quietness, but he had never known his pack any other way.

I've also noticed that a lot of Corzo's pack members dress in flowy clothes and they don't always have shoes on. The style is very nice and the clothes Corzo has provided us matches it. Even Corzo is wearing a white shirt that's buttoned just above his stomach and sandy-brown shorts with flip-flops. Everything about this place feels like a nice dream. It makes me nervous because I know nothing can stay this perfect.

I quickly redirect my thoughts.

We're headed towards his office. We hold progress meetings in his office so I'm used to going there. Over the past two months, I have made amazing progress. I've doubled down on my training. During the days, I go hard at the gym or in the fighting rink and at night, I read and learn as much as I can. I've developed a huge appetite recently as well - definitely, not one that rivals Mika's because that kid can eat a whole horse and still have room for dessert, but I'm eating much more than I used to.

At some point, my pouchy tummy I got when living with Bridger became a bit less fatty and more sculpted, but now it's gotten rounder likely from my increased appetite. I think I look nice with the weight too. Now, when I look in the mirror after I shower or when I'm dressing myself, I find myself staring but not in a 'ewe I hate my body' kind of way. It's more like 'wow look at me'. Because...wow look at me.

Bridger said I'm becoming lean. My shoulders and chest are broader now, more square. My body forms a V as I narrow down at the waist and then curve out just a bit at my hips and legs. The muscles in my legs are the most mesmerizing. I can make them tight - flex, they said - in certain positions and the muscles pop out. I like it.

I don't look weak.

I can do push-ups now, and sit-ups, pull-ups. I can hang off of the pull-up bar. I can squat almost my body-weight. I can run long and fast and feel just a little winded after an hour. I can punch Corzo in the stomach and have him stumble back from impact. I can hold a much bigger wolf down, in their fur, and fight them without shifting. Unfortunately, I've gotten just a bit slower and weaker recently, but Corzo suggested maybe I'm just in a "plateau" and has been changing my training regimen.

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I allow myself to wonder what Jason and James would think of me. When I used to think of them, I'd scold myself. Recently, however, Dr. Edkard has told me that thinking about them is helpful in recovering from the trauma they put me through. Going to therapy has helped me point out things that trigger me as well as tap into my omega genes. I enjoy it a lot. So when I think of Jason and James, I imagine their reactions to me now. They'd laugh at me, surely. They'd ridicule me. Would they find my new form attractive? Or were they only attracted to my small, starved state because they knew that they could take advantage of me easier and faster? They liked that I was small and incapable because they could squash me into the ground like a bug and spit on me when they finished.

Bridger loves the way I look. I can tell through the way he acts when I call him on video. He's told and texted me things that make me blush and make sure no one is reading over my shoulder. He said he's coming to visit me soon. He told me he couldn't wait to see me in the flesh, to see (and touch) all the changes I've made since working on myself.

As we walk, I try to ignore the way that makes my stomach tingle.

When we're in his office, he closes the door behind me and tells me to have a seat. I sit in front of his desk, hiding my hands under my thighs as he walks around to sit in his seat. When he first held one of these meetings, I had been almost terrified to be in a room alone with an alpha. He had noticed my discomfort fast and left the door wide open with another omega inside to help me stay calm. Shortly after that, I began feeling comfortable around Corzo. He doesn't see me as a member of his pack or someone to control, he saw me as a colleague and now, a friend.

"You should sit up straight," he comments in passing.

I remember Bridger telling me to stop slouching. I quickly sit up straight, taking my hands from under my thighs and placing them in my lap so I can square my shoulders.

"Anyways," he begins as he sits closer to his desk, "fighting is an important part of being a leader and I have no doubt that you will eventually get the hang of it. There are two things you should understand, though. One, for the most part, you don't have to worry about fighting for the protection of your pack. Most of these lessons are for the betterment of yourself – everyone should know how to fight to protect themselves if and when the time arises. And, two, you need to work on shifting. If the time ever arises when you need to fight another wolf, they will not waste time in their human form. Most werewolves fight in their wolf form and it's important you learn how to do that too. You have learned to hold yourself against a wolf, but you need to learn how to do that in your fur."

I nod, trying to hold back a sigh. I've been trying by myself by using the methods that Bridger taught me. I have even tried looking for books about shifting in the library and have used methods in the book to push mine. Most of them are for first-time shifters and late-bloomers, but I thought they'd work for me too.

I've gotten to the point where I can feel my body wanting to shift. It's not painful or uncomfortable, it's just a longing somewhere in my body to be my fur. I try to embrace the feeling, to call on it, but everytime I do, it just disappears. Then I tried ignoring it, but the longing disappears no matter what.

But there's something else within me...within my soul. I can feel it. It's not the pull to shift, it's something stronger. It started the day I was running with Mika and I have since been having these moments where something inside me becomes...I don't know...alive. I haven't told anyone, scared that it might be a problem in the future that I can't afford to have.

"I'll try," I say, "I-I mean, I've been trying...I just can't figure it out."

"You need to try harder," Corzo says. It doesn't upset me, I know Corzo just wants me to be ready for whatever just like Bridger. "It's important – werewolves won't take you seriously if you can't shift. Anyways, how are you feeling with everything? What do you feel should come next?"

Just a little after Bridger and I parted, I was able to get into contact with the Lady of the Quiver around Arron's pack. With Bridger's phone, I talked to her in hopes that she's connected to other nymphs and maybe even angels as I've heard they are in contact with each other very frequently. I got lucky and the Lady explained that not only is she part of The Main Order (essentially, the "elders" for nymphs) but her Order is also in direct contact with The Silver Court of Angels - lower-level angels. She promised to spread my word among her Order as well as to the angels in their next quarterly meeting before she and her "harvest quiver" go into "hibernation" so that the "bloom quiver" can rise from theirs.

I have heard nothing sense and it's been two months since she promised, but she did promise she would tell them. She just never said how long it would take.

"Well, I'm waiting for information about the angels. So right now, I think I need to keep educating myself," I start as I shift in the seat, "on everything: fighting, growing stronger, leading, our species, other species – everything that I can."

He nods as he types something on his computer.

"I want to learn how to drive too," I quickly add.

His face turns surprised. "Oh– well okay, I'm sure I can find an up-to-date driving guide somewhere and you can study that. Afterwards, we can practice driving a bit illegally and then I can take you to the Department of– wait, you don't even have a birth certificate do you? We'll need to get you one of those."

"How will we do that?"

"I'll figure that out for you– humans are really weird when it comes to this stuff and we need to get you a human license. I don't know, I'll talk to my delta," he shakes his head as if trying to get back on track. "So your tasks: studying, waiting for word from the angels, and shifting; my tasks: figure out how to get a birth certificate. Afterward, we can begin talking about how you should grow your population and how we can find ways to protect your pack from unwanted visitors. One thing you'll need to remember throughout all this is that you will have a lot of enemies, enemies stronger than me and you, and it's important that we take extreme measures to ensure those enemies can't find you; otherwise, your pack would be like sitting ducks."

I take it all in with a big sigh. Not because I'm tired, but because it's just so much to do. I know I have time and that I need to take as much time to grow as a leader, but having him lay it all out like this makes everything seem so scary and unreachable. But I know I will reach it. I have so many amazing people around me who are helping me reach these goals. I know I will make it in no time.

Everything is going amazing, but everything is also very scary to me.

I'm actually glad that it's taking a long time for the angels to reach out because I know for certain that I'm not ready to bring omegas into my pack. I know I have so much more training to undergo but... what if nothing works out? What if the omegas get here and they don't like me or my leadership? What if they don't respect me or take me seriously? I'm not an alpha. I don't have an alpha voice that makes everyone show their neck or bow in respect. I'm just an omega who might be...overzealous.

I know I shouldn't think like this. I know that these thoughts are just crazy. Dr. Edkard said it's anxiety. He gave me tips on how to handle it and offered to put me on medication. But most of the time I just shake or hit my head hard enough to knock the thoughts out of my mind.

"What about training me more?" I ask. "In leadership, fighting, and stuff like that. I like fighting and I figure, if I can take it all in from you, then I can train the omegas when they get here too. To make them feel comfortable."

His face turns serious as he clasps his fingers together and leans his chin atop his fist. With thick eyebrows drawn together, he says,

"That is another matter we need to discuss. You are smart, but I don't know where you are at in education. I want you to begin tutoring with some Sigmas in my pack – they are scholars, I have roughly six and they're experts on many subjects and have been studying for years and years. Not many packs have Sigmas so see this is as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. But that's not the most important matter right now," he clears his throat as he sits up a little straighter. "This is a little awkward to talk about, but I have noticed a scent change in you."

I frown and cock my head to the side slightly. "What do you mean?"

There is no reason my scent should have changed. Sure our scents can get stronger during certain times, but it's never significant enough to worry about. Corzo has omegas in his pack so I'm sure he knows.

"I understand that it has been close to three months since Beta Bridger has been here," he states which only confuses me more, "but I want you to go to the clinic and make sure that you aren't...um...pregnant."

My eyes could probably fall out of my head with how wide they go. Without thinking, I wrap my arms around my middle. My heart feels as though it dropped to my stomach as panic settles in its place.

"I'm only expressing concern because we cannot continue hand-to-hand combat if you are carrying a pup, it's dangerous to you and your pup," Corzo explains, "but we will continue training in another form and pick up where we left off whenever it is safe to do so."

The rest of what he says is a blur. Something about setting up an appointment with an iota to take a pregnancy test. I can barely hear him over how loud and fast my heart beats in my ear.

I know Bridger and I didn't use a condom that night. I also know that I didn't care because I wanted him and he wanted me and that night was the most amazing night I've ever had. And I'm also not stupid, I know how babies are made because I've had two myself.

I can't even place a reason on why I feel as though I'm dying at the thought of being pregnant. It should be wonderful, but my mind just screams in fear. I have so much to do and prepare that I don't know how I'd handle a pregnancy on top of it all. My pack is my priority, I can't have something more important like a pup right now.

When Corzo dismisses me, I immediately go to the clinic like he requested. I know my way around his pack pretty well now. The hospital and clinic are both located just a few minutes away from the packhouse on flatter land.

I'm hanging onto the hope that I'm not pregnant, but I know that it's likely the case if Corzo noticed a huge scent change. I ask myself how I'd feel if the iotas check me and tell me that I'm pregnant. Will I be okay with it? All I feel is fear, but I can't imagine I'd be sad or angry. I don't think I'd be happy about it either.

Being pregnant is terrifying to me right now. Yes, I've been pregnant before, but neither experience was great. The fathers were cruel to me and my pregnancy brain without my wolf spiraled me into such a deep depression that I had close miscarriages with both Avery and Ivory and many before and after them. I lost Syrus while I was pregnant with Avery and the pain and loneliness without him made me have terrible thoughts. I wanted to stab my stomach and kill her and myself; I wanted to throw myself down the stairs or walk into the woods and allow myself to get killed by rogues. With Ivory, Jason made things miserable for me so much so that one night I stayed up and imagined myself drinking Wolfsbane to end my misery.

I know now that a new pregnancy likely wouldn't be as traumatic as those were, but I can't help but be afraid of what's to come as I walk through the clinic doors. My hands shake as I fill out the papers needed for a walk-in appointment. I feel like I'm close to a panic attack as I wait for an iota to call me back. I can hardly breathe as memories flash behind my eyes and plague my brain with terror and this...terrible, terrible feeling of hopelessness I felt throughout my entire life. Part of me screams that it's irrational, but these negative feelings are just too strong to listen. I don't feel hopeless right now, but I know how I felt back then and I never ever want to feel that way again. Ever since I left that evil pack, I have felt nothing but hope, and being reminded of what it feels like to have absolutely no hope is a scary feeling.

"Kian."

I'm jerked out of my thoughts at the sound of my name being called from the door that leads to the check-up rooms in the back. The iota is an omega. He's short and chubby with curly red hair and freckles everywhere I can see. He's also pregnant. His belly protrudes out and presses against his yellow scrubs with duck characters all over it. He smiles at me but as I get closer, his smile disappears a bit. He can feel my fear and I don't know how to mask it.

He introduces himself as Landon before guiding me to my room. When we're inside, he gently closes the door and asks me to sit on the table.

"Are you okay?" he asks as he carefully plops himself on the rolling chair. I stare at his perfectly round pregnant belly before looking down at my hands. He already knows the answer.

"Is this your first time?" Landon asks. I catch myself before I shake my head.

Technically, this is my third pregnancy. But this is the first time I'm pregnant by someone who I love.

Love.

Yes, I love Bridger and I'm possibly pregnant with his baby and it'll be okay because it's Bridger and not James or Jason. It'll be okay.

"Yeah," I say, "my first time."

His smile is back. His soft cheeks rise so high that his eyes almost disappear.

"It's perfectly normal to be scared," he states happily, "I was scared during my first pregnancy test too. I'll just start off with some questions so I can figure out what steps to take for your test. Okay? First question, how long has it been since your last heat?"

My breath hitches at that question. I haven't had my heat since I found out I was pregnant with Ivory – almost six years ago. When I was taken to their pack, they immediately gave me heat inducers to force my first heat to come on earlier than a normal omega's heat which I recently learned was around eighteen. When I learned that a normal omega heat came at eighteen with the earliest being sixteen, I was shocked to the core because my first heat was twelve.

Since then, I haven't had a heat. My guess, now, is that the trauma I went through stopped my body from being able to go into a heat. I learned that omega heats are dependent on the safety and security of their environment; if we can't safely nest and have our needs met by ourselves or someone we trust, then we can't have our heat.

My first heat was a nightmare. I was so small and I didn't know what was happening to me. I couldn't nest because I didn't know how or what my body and brain wanted. And they took advantage of it. It was the worst experience in my life and I can't imagine ever having a heat now.

"I..." I don't know how to answer Landon's question. "I don't know."

"That's okay, Kian. When was the last time you engaged in sex?"

My face heats."Two months ago."

His eyebrows raise. "You haven't felt anything? Heard a heartbeat?"

My own heartbeat picks up. "I...no, I haven't. Is that bad?"

"No, no, don't worry," he quickly shakes his head. "We don't know if you're pregnant yet, honey. Don't panic, okay? Since you haven't had sex in two months, I can simply perform an ultrasound on you and we will figure it out that way. Does that sound good?"

I nod and he tells me to "sit tight" while he gets the machine. It doesn't take him long before he rolling the ultrasound machine into the room and asking that I lie back on the bed while he sets everything up.

"I'm going to put some gel on your tummy and use the transducer to view inside. On the screen, you will see the inside of your stomach and we will either see and/or hear if you have a pup. By hear, I mean the heartbeat."

I can't speak so I just nod and slowly pull my shirt up. My stomach isn't a pregnant stomach, but with all the working out and eating I've been doing, it's not much flat as much as it is a bit pudgy.

Landon rubs the cold gel on my belly, making me flinch a bit. He doesn't say anything about how tense I am but somehow, his relaxed attitude and confidence calms me a little through this process. When he rubs the transducer on my belly, I tense up again and immediately look at the screen.

It's black and produces a loud sound as he rubs the transducer side to side and up and down my belly. I hold my breath as he does so, watching the screen. I don't know what I want the outcome to be but I don't have much time to think about it when a steady beat picks up over the loud noise of the machine.

A heartbeat.

---

I have never raised a pup before. Avery was snatched away from me before I could even see her and while I did get to care for Ivory very briefly, I never felt like her parent. I didn't get to do normal things a parent would do like cuddle with her and kiss her or let her feed from me. I changed her because Jason didn't like changing diapers. I got the privilege to feed her from a bottle once or twice but Jason stopped that because he thought I would "confuse" her into bonding with me. But the thing is, I think she did bond with me during that short year. She knew I was her father even after I left. She would stare at me and reach for me when she saw me in public when Jason's mate held her, she'd cry, she'd call me by name. It was painful seeing her like that. She wanted her father so badly just the way I so badly wanted to be there for her. I don't think anyone understands the agony of seeing a man and a woman steal your pup and raise them like they're theirs.

But Avery and Ivory aren't my pups. It has taken me a long, painful time to accept this fact. Peyton tried to nail it into my head, but I wouldn't listen -- I couldn't. I needed to hold onto something, I needed to feel real and pretending and believing that one day I'd get to take my rightful role in Avery and Ivory's lives was what got me through those painful days and nights. It was just recently that I finally let that belief go...when I realized that I have so much more to live for. One would think I'm crazy for still wanting to be a parent after all I've gone through, but I do. I was never a parent for those two girls, but this time, I will get to be a real parent. I'll get to hold this pup once he or she is born; I'll feel the baby's naked skin against my own and they will feed from me and we will bond the way my mind so desparetly wanted with Avery and Ivory. And no one will take that away from me.

No one will take my pup from me.

My pup.

I pause as I stir the pasta I'm cooking for everyone tonight. I was going to tell them all tonight, but I also need to tell Bridger. I need to tell him that we're going to fathers together.

'What if he takes my pup?'

The thought lasts for only a brief second, but it's enough to make not only fear but something else come over me. I can't stop the memories from my past coming up and flashing before my eyes. I can't stop the intense fear that follows and the dark thoughts of Bridger stealing my pup away from me just like they all did.

But he wouldn't because he's not like them. I know he's not like them. He loves me and he would never hurt me.

'But what if he does?'

When I was in labor with Ivory, Jason refused to let me receive medical help. He and I delivered her ourselves and he took her and left me there terrified and in pain. My brain screamed at me to get up and save our pup, but my body was exhausted and I couldn't do anything but lie there in my own blood until Leon finally came down to help me.

I know Bridger would never do that me. He would be there with me and hold my hand and we'd hold our pup together. It's as though my mind has split in half and the scary, illogical thoughts are far louder and far more convincing than the logical ones. That side of my brain tells me to not tell anyone, but especially Bridger; that side of my brain says that this pup is mine and no one can tell me otherwise.

"Kian!"

I flinch and look up to see Jenna rushing towards me with wide eyes. She quickly opens the oven that has apparently been beeping for who knows how long and takes the garlic bread out. It's not burnt so I release a sigh of relief as she places the pan on the counter. She then looks at me with a glare.

"What is wrong with you?" she asks, "you were completely zoned out."

"I-I...I think I need to lie down," I say quietly as I move away from the stove. "Can you take over?"

She stares at me for a moment before nodding. "You go lie down, I'll bring you some food upstairs and we'll talk."

I don't really want to talk, but I don't argue against it either. I quickly leave the kitchen and run upstairs. When I'm in my room, I press my back against the door and take a deep, shuttering breath. I close my eyes and try to focus on my breathing but all those scary thoughts begin to come back in swarms like a bees. It angers me because I know these thoughts are wrong and crazy, but I can't help but listen to them and believe them. They make Bridger seem bad when deep down, I know his heart is pure and he would never intentionlly hurt me. He would never.

There's like this scary posessessiveness I have now over myself and my pup and I don't want to share it with anyone, not even Bridger who I know deserves to be part of this. But I can't get myself to pick up the phone and call him. Even when Jenna begins knocking on my locked door, I can't get myself to move and let her in. I know I can't hide this forever, but I also just can't let anyone know right now.

I will tell them when the time is right and right now, the time is anything but right.

---

Word Count: 4082

I like the pregnancy trope and I write what I want to read 🤪🤪🤸🏾‍♀️🤸🏾‍♀️ I also really hate the secrets trope so I don't know why I'm doing this...oh whale

Kian noooo, you can't hide this from my man :(

So this chapter is actually combined with another one which is maybe why it's a little choppy. I had written the scene where Kian finds out he's pregnant just a little further out in the story, like around chapter 31 or 33. Then I realized that it would seem a little less random if I did it earlier and it just made more sense to me to change it a bit. This wasn't a random decision by any means and I definitely needed him to be pregnant now just so things would make sense in the future. I'm so excited about this story guys and I can't wait to see Kian and Bridger has parents 😆😆😆