Chapter Thirty

Trinity

I was sitting there, holding my husband, but he hadn’t yet opened up about what was truly bothering him.

We’ve had our fair share of encounters with the detective, but Stephen had never reacted like this before. Honestly, it was starting to worry me. I’d done everything I could to help him relax, but I could still feel the tension radiating from him as I sat in his arms.

Trinity - Baby?

Stephen - Hmm?

Trinity - Stephen, sweetheart, please.

Stephen - I know, baby. Can we just...not right now? Let me just enjoy this moment, please.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling his head closer to me. I felt his arms tighten around my waist, his head resting on my chest, and a heavy sigh escape from him.

Stephen - I’m just so tired of it all, baby.

Trinity - Tired of what, sweetheart?

Stephen - This. Them. My family constantly dealing with their torment. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I left that life behind because I wanted something better for us, for you, for our kids. I just don’t know how to make it all stop.

I gently stroked his hair, taking a moment to process his words.

Trinity - Baby, I know this is hard for you. I can see it in your actions, your attitude, the tension you’re carrying. I’m not saying this to upset you, but to be honest with you. Until they get what they want, I don’t think this is ever going to stop.

Stephen - What do you mean? Get what they want?

I took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to say what I needed to say without making him angry again. I knew he wasn’t mad at me, but at the situation. But he needed to understand that I was the one who caused this.

Trinity - Babe, look at me, please.

He lifted his head and looked at me.

Trinity - They want me, sweetheart. I killed one of their guys. We can justify it any way we want, but the fact remains, I took his life. I made a conscious decision to end his life.

Stephen - Babe, don’t you remember the situation we were in? I walked in on him holding a gun to you. I didn’t know what was happening, or that he was a cop.

Trinity - But I did, babe. I knew he was. Would he have really been a threat, knowing he was a cop? The worst he could have done was arrest us. But instead, I killed him.

Stephen - How can you say that, Trinity? You don’t know that he wouldn’t have shot. After everything we found out in Spain, how can you sit here and tell me you know for sure he wouldn’t have pulled the trigger? On you? On me? On any of us? He was a dirty cop, babe. We know that now. Otherwise, either Clint or I, or both of us, would be in jail right now. But we’re not, are we?

Trinity - I just...I can’t help but -

Stephen - No! I’m not having this conversation with you, Trinity.

He stood up, lifting me off his lap, and started to walk away.

Trinity - Stephen, what are you doing?

Stephen - I’m getting dressed and going to pick up our kids. And when I get back, I don’t want to hear another word about this. I’m not going to sit here and listen to you blame yourself.

Trinity - But I did it, Stephen! Why can’t you hear that?

He finished pulling on his pants in silence, then walked back to me until he was standing right in front of me. He grabbed my face in both of his hands, his eyes blazing with a mix of fear, anger, confusion, and passion.

Stephen - I did this!! Not you! I brought you into this life because I was too fucking selfish to let you go. Because I needed you. Because you are everything I need in this world. I did this when I wasn’t honest with you about my life from the start. And that’s on me because I was a coward.

Stephen - Because I had already fallen so hard for you that the thought of my life without you was unbearable! Because knowing you were out there somewhere and I couldn’t have you was something I couldn’t bear. I would rather die. So no, you didn’t do this - I did this to us!!! I did this to you!

By this point, I was fighting back tears and unable to speak. I watched as his eyes searched mine, both of us lost for words. He let go of my face and started to walk away towards the garage. Overwhelmed with emotion, I collapsed to my knees.

Trinity - Stephen, please! Don’t walk away from me, not now. Please don’t leave the house like this.

He stopped and turned back to me. He saw me on the floor and rushed back, kneeling in front of me.

Stephen - Baby, I’ve done too much to you. I caused you to go through this, to feel this pain, and I hate myself every day for it. I begged you years ago not to leave me and selfishly asked you to stay. And now every day I have to live with the guilt of what I’ve done to you.

My tears were falling harder now, and I was shaking, unable to control them.

Trinity - How can you blame yourself when you stand there telling me not to do the same? How is that fair?

Stephen - What do you want me to do? When I have to watch you reliving this nightmare over and over, stuck in a loop of pain that I caused.

Trinity - How can you not see that you’ve never caused me a moment of pain? All you’ve ever done is give me everything I want in this world. How can you expect me to know any different?

He pulled me into his chest on the floor with him, stroking my hair from my face as I sobbed into his chest. He held me as if our lives depended on it, trying to soothe the pain we were both feeling.

Stephen - Baby, please stop. Don’t cry. It kills me to see you like this. Can’t you understand?

Trinity - It kills me knowing you think I would have chosen differently if you had given me the choice. You say you were selfish and didn’t give me a choice, well, even if you had, my choice would always be you! The fact that you can’t see that hurts me more than anything.

Trinity - You say you couldn’t live without me, well, guess what, Stephen? You’re not the only one! Without you, I would have had nothing to live for because my heart is yours!

I push away from him, sprinting up to our room. I slam the door shut and collapse onto our bed. I can’t believe we’re still stuck in this nightmare. How could he ever think I’d want anyone else? How could he imagine, even for a second, that I could envision a life without him?

I don’t know how long I lay there, sobbing. I must have cried myself to sleep because the next thing I know, I’m being jolted awake by the doorbell and the vibration of my phone on the bedside table. I sit up, and the house is pitch black. I’m confused and dazed. My husband should be home by now with our kids.

I pick up my phone and see five missed calls from Clint. The doorbell rings again. I get up, switch on our bedroom light, and start to call Clint back as I make my way to the front door.

Clint—(Phone call) Finally! I was starting to think you were ignoring me. Are you going to open the door and let me in?

Trinity—(Phone call) Sorry, I’m coming. Hang on.

I hang up and head to the front door, opening it to let Clint in. He doesn’t say a word. He just steps inside and pulls me into a hug. Before I can stop myself, I burst into tears again.

Clint—Hey, shhhh, it’s okay, hun. Come on, let’s get inside, and I’ll make you a cup of tea.

Clint keeps his arm wrapped around my shoulder as he shuts the front door, locks it, and turns on some lights. We make our way to the kitchen.

Clint—Here, sit down and let me make a cuppa. When’s the last time you ate? You have to take care of the baby too.

Trinity—I’m sorry, I fell asleep. I wasn’t ignoring you.

Clint—I kinda figured, hun, when I saw the bird’s nest you have going on in your hair.

We both laugh. Trust Clint to try and lighten the mood.

Trinity—Thank you.

Clint—Nonsense, we’re family. You never have to thank me.

I sit at our dining table, trying to process what happened, as Clint busies himself making a cuppa and brings me over something to eat. I suddenly see the time and realize it’s already seven-thirty.

Trinity—Where are Stephen and the twins?

Clint—They’re fine, hun. They’re at our place with Mia. We’ve fed and bathed the twins, and they were fast asleep already when I left.

Trinity—And Stephen?

Clint—He’s Stephen.

I raise my eyebrow at Clint.

Trinity—He’s still blaming himself, isn’t he?

Clint sighs heavily, brings over a tea, and sits down with a coffee for himself.

Clint—It’s what he does, hun. He’s always been that way. He’s so used to being the person who is strong and shoulders the blame for everyone.

Trinity—But I’m his wife, Clint. I promised him on our wedding day he wouldn’t have to shoulder these things by himself. Why won’t he let me in? I thought we had made progress on this, and I feel like he’s starting to put up those mental blocks again.

Clint—He’s scared, sweetheart. He’s scared to lose you, and he’s trying to process how to protect you. Everything he’s told you about his parents, about how he grew up, is only scratching the surface. I was there, and I don’t say that to rub it in your face, so please don’t take it the wrong way.

Trinity—Then tell me, help me to understand.

Clint—He was a child, babes. He was a child that was made to believe that everything that went wrong with his parents was his doing. He shut down because the emotional pain they inflicted on him became too much for him to bear.

Clint—So it was easier for him to stop questioning everything, and he got to a stage where he accepted what they told him—that he was the cause of all the problems.

It’s something I’ve watched him do his whole life. When he can’t protect the ones that matter to him, he shoulders their blame and accepts it as his own. He doesn’t believe he’s worthy of anything more.

Clint—Well, he definitely didn’t until you came along. But I think deep down, he’ll still have that belief in him that if something goes wrong, it’s his doing. It’s hard when you’ve been programmed for so long to think or believe a certain way to realize that just because someone tells you that doesn’t mean it’s true.

Clint—How do you tell a ten-year-old child that just because his parents blamed him for so long, doesn’t mean it’s his fault? It’s their doing, and they deflected the blame to justify their shitty behavior. So when he can’t protect or save the ones he loves, he automatically accepts it as a fault of his own?

Clint—That he, in some way, must have failed them. I tried for years to make him realize that’s not the case. My parents did, and Mia did. Then you came along, and we all saw him finally starting to accept that he deserved the happiness and love he had longed for and never realized he needed.

Clint—This shit with CPD will be rattling him because he’ll be struggling to work out how he protects you. Mostly, he’ll be scared that one day you’re going to wake up and walk away from him and blame him.

Trinity—Clint, I would never. You have to know that.

Clint—I know you wouldn’t, babes. We all know. I’m just saying that’s what he’ll be thinking. He feels like he’s failed you, seeing you struggle with this so much.

Trinity—I’ve tried to make him understand it was my choice, Clint, and I’d make the same choice in a heartbeat. I’ll always choose him.

Clint—And that’s all you can keep doing. He has to be the one to, at some stage, let go of that baggage and listen and trust in you. I’ve said that to him tonight, before he loses you.

Trinity—He’ll never lose me.

Clint—Come here.

I hug Clint as we sit in silence for a few minutes, the tears still falling.

Clint—You know Mia and I went through this too, right?

Trinity—Really?

Clint—Well, not the shit with CPD, but it was hard for me to accept too, at one stage, that above all else, she’d choose me every time. I couldn’t believe or even comprehend someone like her would ever want to live a life like we did.

Clint—I tried pushing her away so many times, and each time she proved me wrong. And that’s what you’ve been doing for so long to my brother, and each time it rattles him more because the narrative he’s already planned out in his head isn’t the script of the story. You understand me?

I nod at him. We sit in silence for a little longer.

Trinity—Clint?

Clint—Yes, babes?

Trinity—Please send my husband home.

Clint—You going to be okay?

Trinity—I just need to see him right now, please. I need him to understand.

“Clint, give me thirty minutes, okay? I’m going to go pick him up and bring him back. He’s not in any condition to drive right now. I’ll swing by tomorrow to get you both for the twins, alright?”

“Thank you,” Trinity replied.

I walked Clint to the front door, wrapping him in a hug and planting a kiss on his cheek.

“Trinity, I love you. You’re just as important to Mia and me as he is, okay? I need you to know that.”

“I love you too, Clint. Thank you.”

“No need for thanks, kid. Now let me go fetch your man-child and bring him home to you.”

I hugged Clint once more before he headed out to his car to pick up Stephen. I closed the door behind him and returned to the lounge to wait for my husband.

I didn’t have to wait long. Clint’s car lights illuminated our driveway, and I walked to the door to greet them. Clint waved goodbye as Stephen stood before me, our eyes brimming with emotion.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hi,” Stephen replied.

Stephen reached out, his hand tenderly stroking my cheek. I leaned into his touch.

“You’re so beautiful, Trinity. You have no idea.”

“You’re crazy,” I said, shaking my head with a loving smile.

“When I look at you, everything is magnified. You’re the most beautiful woman in the world to me. You’re all the beauty in the universe, concentrated in one place. I don’t just see your beauty, I feel it in the very core of my being.”

I took Stephen’s hand and led him inside, locking the door behind us and turning off the lights. I guided him up to our bedroom, flicking on the bedside lamp and turning off the main lights.

I undressed him slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. Then I undressed myself. I took his hand again and led him to our bed, where we lay facing each other.

He reached out, his fingers brushing my cheek again. Our eyes remained locked on each other. In his gaze, I saw everything he felt. Words were never necessary in moments like this.

I bit my bottom lip and gave him a small nod. He understood my unspoken request. He leaned over and kissed me softly, his tongue finding mine in a gentle dance. We kissed for a few moments before he pulled away, his eyes meeting mine again.

“Roll over onto your other side, baby,” he said.

I moaned softly and did as he asked. He moved behind me, wrapping an arm around my body and pulling me tightly against him. His hand cupped one of my breasts as he kissed and nibbled on the side of my neck.

I could feel his cock hardening against my ass, and I sighed, squirming against him. Eventually, he slid his hand down between my legs, and I lifted my top leg to give him access.

He teased my lips, already slick with my arousal. I gasped when he slid two fingers inside me, confirming my readiness. He repositioned himself, lifting my leg higher and aligning his cock with my slit. He pressed it against me, causing me to moan softly.

“Mmm,” I murmured.

He shifted enough to move into position and used his fingers to press the head of his cock against me. With that pressure and the movement of his hips, he slipped inside me. He pushed forward, slowly filling me with all of him. I purred as he moved inside me, not stopping until he was as deep as he could get.

“Stay still,” I told him.

We lay like that, his hard cock filling me as he waited for what came next. His hand moved, and I watched as he brought his fingers to his mouth, wetting them with his saliva. He tasted me.

His hand returned to my clit, drawing circles around it. He started to move inside me, but only a little. Just enough. He wanted me to come.

He wanted me to climax with him inside me, his fingers on my clit, his lips on my neck, his breath in my ear.

He started to move slowly inside me, his strokes long and tender. I listened to his breathing change as our bodies took control.

His soft moans deepened, becoming more urgent as I became more insistent with my hips. I was having a hard time staying still, squirming a bit as I tried to restrain myself. I could tell by his breathing that he was close to the edge, and so was I.

“You’re my everything,” he whispered in my ear.

“You are my soul. I want everything, and that’s what you’ve given me.”

Hearing me say that seemed to physically affect him. My words set him off. He bit my lip and pressed into me harder, our mouths capturing each other’s moans. My body shook as my orgasm began to take over. I grabbed his arm, my nails digging into his forearm.

“Mmm, Stephen, take what’s yours. My heart, my soul, all of me. It’s yours.”

“Trinity, I love you. I live for you. My heart beats for you, baby,” he whispered. There was nothing else in the world I needed to hear beyond those words.

“There’s no place I’d rather be. I love you. No place other than here with you, ever.”

I reached up with one hand and touched his cheek, a loving and feminine gesture. I found comfort in my husband being inside me. I felt him withdraw and then push back deep inside me, our eyes locked on each other, my face scrunching up in pleasure.

My eyes rolled back in my head for a moment, overwhelmed by the love and ecstasy of the moment. Then, with great effort, I met his gaze again as he started to move more inside me.

My whole body reacted to our lovemaking. Pleasure enveloped me from the inside out, making me ache with desire. My body came alive with deep gasps and the grinding of my hips against my husband. His arms wrapped around me tighter.

I could see in his eyes that the pleasure he was giving me turned him on. Our lovemaking intensified, picking up speed and passion. The need in me burned hot. I wanted him, all of him.

Trinity—Stephen . . . Oh, Stephen . . . my love . . . oh my goodness . . . don’t stop, please . . . I love you, God, I love you more than anything.

I sense him reaching his climax first, as I cry out my love for him, a tear trickling down my cheek. It’s not explosive, but it’s incredibly intense.

It engulfs my entire body, coursing through every muscle, every vein. My orgasm sweeps over me like an unstoppable tsunami, submerging him in ecstatic bliss. Every muscle in my body tenses again, and I find myself gasping for breath.

My body quivers under his touch, my pussy clenching him tightly, and I feel his wetness flooding into me, pushing me over the edge as I climax.

I collapse back into his body as his mouth latches onto my neck again, his breath hitching as he finishes, his cum filling me, trying to push even deeper inside me.

We ride out our orgasms, remaining just like that, his face buried in my neck. We don’t look at each other, but we’re acutely aware of our bodies entwined tightly together. We’re both panting, our heartbeats pounding in sync.

As we descend from our peaks, that warm, cozy, snuggle-under-the-covers, don’t-want-to-get-out-of-bed feeling washes over me. I feel my husband start to pull out of me.

Trinity—Stay, love.

We both remain there, our heads resting on our pillows, gently caressing each other’s bare bodies, occasionally sharing soft kisses.

Trinity—I need you.

Stephen—I need you too, love.