Chapter Twenty One

Stephen

We’d spent the past few days on Koh Samui, checking out all the sights we wanted to see. We’d visited the Golden Buddha at Wat Phra Yai, explored the temples, and spent time relaxing on the beach.

We’d just returned from a moonlit dinner on the beach. I took a shower when we got back and now I was waiting in the lounge area of our bungalow for my doll to finish up in the bathroom.

We’d decided to have a quiet night before heading to Koh Phi Phi for our second week.

I’d been texting Clint to check in at home and he’d confirmed that he, Dave, and the boys had sold all the stock. So, when I got back, we could finally start our lives anew.

With that in mind, I’d decided tonight was the night I wanted to talk to my doll about our future. Kids, a home, a new business venture—I wanted to make sure we made these decisions together.

But honestly, I was a few years older than her. Not old, but at thirty-one, I was ready to talk about our future, specifically about having kids.

I know it’s soon after our wedding, but ever since I saw her walking down the aisle, I can’t shake the image of her pregnant with our kids, or us playing at home with them.

I wanted all of it with her.

I’d finished up on my phone and was just relaxing, thinking about all of this and waiting for her.

I think what was making me more conscious of it was knowing Clint and Mia would be starting their family soon.

They were a big part of our lives and I guess I loved the idea of our kids growing up together.

Okay, I seriously need to get a grip on myself right now. I’m thinking way too far ahead.

I realize my doll is taking a while so I wander in to see what she’s up to. I stop in my tracks when I see her. “My God!”

She hadn’t heard me come in but the moment I speak, she looks up and smiles at me warmly. “You okay, baby?”

“I’m in love,” I say.

She blushes and that just sets my heart racing more.

“Baby, come sit with me, it’s lonely out there without you.” I extend my hand to her. She walks over and takes it and we head out to the lounge where I sit down and place her in between my legs.

I hand her a glass of wine I’d poured for her and grab my own. We sat there for a while just enjoying the peace.

I was suddenly feeling so nervous, I don’t know why but I couldn’t help the anxiety I was feeling.

I know she’s my wife now, but I still felt deep down I was unworthy of her.

As if sensing my thoughts, she reaches up and strokes her nails through my hair. “Penny for your thoughts, love?”

I look at her and smile and kiss her cheek.

“I was just thinking about us, baby,” I say. “Our lives, where we will be in our future.”

“Yeah? And how do you see that, babe? What is it you want?” she asks. “Tell me.”

“Honestly, I just want you as happy as you’ve been this last week, babe.”

She turns to face me straddling my lap holding my head in both her hands as she looks deep into my eyes. “No baby, that is putting my happiness first, not yours.”

“We’re a team sweetheart,” she says. “Your happiness and wants are just as important. I made that vow to you on our wedding day and I will continue to remind you of that.”

“We’re in this together, okay? What is it you want?” she implores.

I swallow down the huge lump in my throat that has suddenly formed as I stare back into her eyes.

“I want you, I want a family with you, I want so badly to see you pregnant with our children,” I confess. “I’m sorry if that scares you, and I understand if it's too soon for you, honestly baby, it's fine.”

“It's just something I haven't been able to shake for a long time, and I guess seeing Clint and Mia has just made me long for it more.”

“I had a shitty upbringing,” I continue. “I’ve never had a real family or anyone in my life for that matter other than Clint and Mia.”

“And then you came along. It terrified me at first because I’ve never needed someone as I need you. I’ve never wanted anything more than I wanted you.”

I can feel my emotions spilling over and I can feel the tears starting to choke me up.

“Baby, look at me,” Trinity says as she cups my face in her hands. “I'm not going anywhere, I’m right here, always. Tell me, let me in, let me look after you like you do me. Let me love you, please.”

I pull her closer and I bury my head into her chest as my tears start to fall. I feel her hug my head to her body, one hand softly stroking my back and the other running through my hair.

“I want a family so I can finally give my love freely, so I can give them what I was denied all along,” I say.

“My parents were selfish as hell babe, and every day of my life I was made to feel like a burden, useless, a crutch in the life they really wanted.”

“That was until they realized they could use me to keep their hands clean while reaping all the benefits.” I sigh. “The worst part was, I still loved them, I still longed for their love.”

“Baby, that is not a bad thing or a weakness,” Trinity says. “You were a child, you deserved to love and be loved.”

“You’re a man now, and an amazing man at that, one I’m blessed to call my husband. And you’re still deserving to love and be loved in return.”

I hug into her body tighter hearing her express how much love she has for me. It's all I’ve ever wanted, was to feel unrestrained love.

“My father used to remind me daily that I ruined my mother for him, she was never herself again after having me; I ruined her body for him and she was no longer attractive,” I confess.

“My mom always blamed me for their relationship falling apart. She said my dad started looking elsewhere because she wasn’t attractive anymore after having me.”

“Then they got into dealing drugs. At first, it was small-time, just to get their own supply cheaper. But soon, it was to fund my mom’s plastic surgery obsession, her desperate attempt to win back my dad’s attention.”

“And eventually, it was just about the money. I was still a kid when they first made me do a deal for them. They were under suspicion. The cops were getting closer.”

“But who would suspect an eight-year-old kid with a backpack walking to the corner store, right?

She pulls me closer. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that. No one should have to, especially not a child.”

“Even back then, Clint could see I was changing. We were practically brothers, and he did his best to protect me. I’d spend weekends at his place, his parents treating me like one of their own.”

“I think they knew something was wrong, but didn’t know how to help. Don’t get me wrong, they did help, and I’m grateful for everything they did for me.”

“Having my own kids means so much to me because I want to break that cycle. I want to know what a normal family is like, with loving parents who focus on each other and their kids, a home filled with unconditional love.”

“Celebrating life’s little milestones together; passing a test, getting a promotion, sending our kids off to college, watching them grow and get married.”

“Not congratulating them on a good dinner because they managed to sell an eight ball of coke for you that day. I don’t want that to be my normal.”

“Honey, can I ask you something?” Trinity asks.

“Anything, baby. Anything at all.”

“What happened to your parents?”

I hate this question, but I know she deserves an answer, and I want to give her this last piece of me.

“I was staying at Clint’s for the weekend and his parents dropped us off at school on Monday. My mom was supposed to pick me up after school.”

“I waited like I was supposed to, but she never showed up. So, I started walking home. It took me forty-five minutes, but I made it. I knew where the spare key was, so I let myself in.”

“I expected to find them high as kites after another bender, but they weren’t home.”

“I made some dinner and went to my room. I didn’t want to get in trouble if they came home, so I did what I’d always been taught.”

I pause for a moment as fresh tears fall again, and I feel her gentle hands wipe them away.

“They never came back, babe,” I manage to say.

“I spent three days in that house alone before Clint came over. He knew something wasn’t right. We were just kids, trying to act like adults.”

“We kept it a secret for nearly eighteen months. By then, I’d kept myself going by taking over the business they’d taught me. It was all I knew.”

“One day, Clint and I were hanging out when the cops showed up. They’d found my parents’ bodies in Atlanta. My mom had killed my dad after catching him with another woman.”

“She sat with his body and overdosed.”

Tears fill Trinity’s eyes and she grabs my hand, squeezing it tightly. “Baby, I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. I promise you, our lives will be better.”

“I promise you that one day, all of that will feel like a bad dream because I will make every day from here on out better than those memories.”

“We’ll have the family you want, and Stephen, I would be blessed to carry your child. It would be the greatest gift you could give me.”

“And I know in my heart, you have so much love to give. Any children we have would be so lucky to have you as their father.”

“What if I can’t be what you or they need?” I ask, my anxiety creeping in. “I’ve never had good role models. I didn’t know what love was until I met you, or what a family was.”

“Baby, can’t you see? Clint is your family. You made your own family. Now it’s our turn to build our family, to create our own picture of love.”

“My heart aches for you,” I tell her.

“And my heart beats for you.”

I lift my hand to her face, rubbing my cheek against hers as she cups my face in her hands.

As she holds me close, whispering softly in my ear how much she loves me, I can’t help but think that there comes a time in our lives when the love for a woman becomes so real that you can’t imagine it ever changing.

For some, it’s a fleeting moment that gets lost in time, never to be found again. But for a lucky few, it’s a sign of a lifetime of happiness to come.

“Have my baby, Trinity, please? I want to start trying for a family with you.”