Deflected Hearts: Chapter 13

I just felt our baby move for the first time and judging by the look on Poppy’s face, I think it’s her first time too. She never mentioned feeling it before and she’s told me everything that has happened so far during the pregnancy. She showed me the ultrasound pictures she had from her first one, where the baby still looked like a blob… and that moment didn’t come close to comparison with this one.

Another car blares it’s horn behind us, completely ruining the moment, and I let out an exasperated sigh. “Fuck,” I mumble as the moment is ruined and I pull my hand away from Poppy’s stomach, giving the driver behind me the middle finger. “Fucking asshole.”

Poppy laughs, glancing over at me as she wipes the tears away from her cheeks. “Calm down, August. You’ll get to feel it again. That was just the first and from what I’ve read, it only gets more frequent and more intense the further along I get.”

I feel like compared to her, I know nothing about pregnancies or babies. Maybe I should get some books of my own to read and try to catch up.

Stepping on the gas, I flash a smile at her. “Okay, okay. Sorry, I just hated that the moment was interrupted, you know?”

“I mean, we were sitting at a green light instead of moving.” She smiles back at me, shaking her head as she looks back out the window. “Plus, there will be more moments.”

“That’s what I’m counting on,” I tell her, my voice soft and quiet, but loud enough for her to hear. With the way her body tenses and the sharp intake of her breath, I know she heard what I said.

Poppy doesn’t say anything back to me, but I wasn’t looking for a response from her. Her body betrays her every single time, telling me exactly what I need to know, confirming my suspicions. The other night wasn’t just a fluke thing fueled by hormones and lust. It was so much more and she may not come out and admit it, but she’s not feeling this friend thing either.

We’re both silent as we cover the short distance to the restaurant, the soft sound of the radio playing in the background that takes up some of the space in the car. I wasn’t actually in the area, like I told Poppy. She told me before that she gets a break around lunchtime and since she’s been avoiding me, I wanted to surprise her.

There’s nothing wrong with two friends getting lunch.

Even if one of the friends wants to be more… so much more.

It’s a quaint little Italian restaurant that I found when I googled places near her campus. It’s in a small town, tucked away like a little hole-in-the-wall. There’s an empty spot directly out front of the building and I pull in, putting the car in park before killing the engine. I quickly hop out and race around to Poppy’s door, pulling it open before she gets a chance.

“Thanks,” she says quietly, her voice shy as she looks up at me through her long black lashes. My eyes fall to her plump lips as she pulls the bottom one between her teeth and in this moment, I want to kiss her. To sweep her off her feet and devour her, like a starved man.

As we step into the small restaurant, the deep aromas of the food that they’re cooking has my mouth instantly watering. Poppy looks up at me, her gaze bashful as she shifts her weight nervously on her feet. The host quickly arrives in front of us, grabbing two menus before leading us to a table tucked away in the corner of the dining room.

“I like it here,” Poppy muses, her eyes scanning the dim room with elegant decor. “I’ve never been here before and it smells divine.”

Sitting across from Poppy, I watch her as she looks around the room almost in amazement. From the way the restaurant looked from the outside, the inside is much different than either of us were expecting. Almost like whatever this is between Poppy and I. At the start, from the outside, it never looked like much, but once you open the doors and step inside, it’s like nothing you’ve ever experienced before.

I order both of us water, knowing Poppy has been on a kick with drinking mainly water lately, and she gives me a shy smile as she knows that I’ve clearly been doing my homework and paying attention. If there’s one thing I can’t take my attention away from, it’s her.

Jesus, it really is her… and I’ve been too stupid and blind to realize it sooner.

It’s always been her.

“So, what do you think you’re going to order?” Poppy asks me as her eyes scan the menu before she closes it and sets it on the table in front of her.

“I think I might try the lasagna,” I answer her, mimicking her actions as I set the menu down on top of hers. “What about you?”

Poppy’s face lights up, her lips curling upward. “Spaghetti, no meat.”

I laugh lightly, shaking my head at her predictability. “Is that the only thing that you eat anymore? I swear that every time we get food or I ask you what you’re eating, it’s spaghetti and plain-ass sauce.”

“Hey.” She glares at me playfully, her tone scolding. “I can’t control the cravings, and apparently this baby is a pasta connoisseur or something.”

We’re both laughing, the mood light and there’s no heaviness or tension between us as the server arrives back at the table with our waters. We both give him our order, thanking him for the drinks before he disappears back toward the kitchen to put in our food order. Poppy’s eyes trail around the restaurant again before they land on mine, a soft smile on her lips as her laughter dissipates.

“August,” she says softly, my name rolling off her tongue, and I want to taste it. Her deep blue eyes are focused on mine, the waves lightly crashing against the shore, and I want to drown in their depths. “I have a question and I don’t want to ruin things between us, but I have to know. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but I at least want you to be honest.”

I nod slowly, swallowing hard over the knives that are suddenly lodged in my throat. “Nothing but the truth, Poppy.”

She pauses for a moment, her nostrils flaring as she exhales deeply and takes a sip of her water. I watch as she carefully sets the glass back down on the table in front of her and wipes the condensation away from it with her fingertips as she focuses back on me. “What are we doing? I know we agreed on being friends, but it doesn’t feel like that’s what this is anymore…”

“That’s because it isn’t,” I admit, the honesty oozing from my words and I’m unable to take them back as soon as they leave my lips. Poppy’s eyes widen slightly, but I don’t stop. I can’t stop now or I’m going to fuck it all up. “We’re more than friends, Poppy. And it’s not just because we’re having a baby together.”

Her eyes bounce back and forth between mine, her body stilling, her hands wrapped tightly around her glass of water. “What are we doing, though?”

“You want the honest answer?”

She nods, her throat bobbing as she swallows. I watch her for a moment as she lifts the glass back up to her lips and takes a long sip. “Please.”

“I don’t know what the fuck we’re doing,” I breathe, shaking my head as a smirk plays on my lips. “Honestly, we’ve been avoiding the inevitable, pretending we could just be friends. Tell me, baby. Did you really think it would ever work out?”

Her eyes are still wide, but they stop searching mine as she stares straight through me and I feel her burrowing herself into my bones, wrapping herself inside my marrow. “No,” she whispers, shaking her head. “I just hoped it would.”

Tilting my head to the side, I lift an eyebrow in question. “Why?”

“Because, I don’t know if I can survive your destruction. And the thought of being together scares me. Relying on someone else… I don’t want to lose myself in the process. What if things end? What happens then? It would be fucking messy, especially with a baby involved.”

My eyebrows pull together and I fold my arms over the top of the other on the table. “So, what? We keep pretending and leave things the way they are to avoid getting hurt? You think life isn’t going to be messy with a baby if we’re not together from the start?”

“No. I don’t know,” she says quietly, her eyes full of emotion as she stares back at me. “I just don’t know, August. I obviously like you and we’d both be lying if we said there wasn’t anything between us. I just need some time, okay?”

I nod, the sound of her voice cracking tugs at my heartstrings and I want to reach across the table and pull her into my arms. She asked for my honesty, she wanted to know what we were doing here, and I’m not sure I gave her the answer she wanted to hear. She can’t deny that this friends thing isn’t working out, though.

My heart tells me that it’s all or nothing, but I can’t not have her in my life. Even if she just wants to be friends, I’ll be whatever the fuck she wants me to be.