CHAPTER [12] - Control.

That moment felt like the end of the world for Darren.

His ears were deafened like there was a cover prohibiting him to hear anything, the only thing he could hear was the siren of his ears, the noise simply became louder and louder,

it was like he was dissociating.

When all the gazes of the elders in the room shifted towards Darren, he felt like he was stuck in a glass box, like he was something up for show, something that was being exhibited. The eyes of the onlookers made him want to vomit out his breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But what twisted Darren's organs the most,

were the eyes of the alpha,

the eyes of his father.

the eyes of that cruel, cruel man.

Yes, it was that look in his father's eyes that chained Darren's limbs from when he was just a toddler, from the moment he could walk, he could only use his legs when his father permitted him to. And from the moment he spoke his first words, he was given a script to read out.

It was the eyes of his father that rooted Darren down to the seat that would be his fate.

Fate,

Fate. Fate is what controls our lives...or so some people think. Now, what is the actual definition of Fate? The supposed force, principle, or power that predetermines events; the inevitable events predestined by this force.

For others, the word is beautiful, fate would bring two people together, and as fate would have it, it could be the light in someone's day.

but to Darren,

the word was the muse of his depression.

Yes, his fate was decided for him, from his personality to the way he talked, everything was decided for him by somebody else, even his preference in food was pre-decided, his clothes, the shoes he wore, and the way he tied his laces. And in the decisions made for him, fate was not an exception.

He was living by the rules of someone elses game since he could remember, and when he tried straying, he was brought back, with bruises, or sometimes he would meet the darkness of his room, only hearing the sound of a whip clashing against his skin.

Yes, this was all the same.

Carter knew what he meant when he said to let Darren choose.

Darren could not choose, or better worded; Darren didn't know the meaning of choose.

Darren never had a choice to begin with, not when he had to choose between his younger siblings, and certainly not now. Because choices led to fear and guilt.

It was better to live by someone else's rules,

that was the first thing his father had tought him.

Free-will was a luxury, and to caged birds like him, it would simply have him killed.

The question he was asked, only had one possible answer, and it was his father's,

Darren's nails dug into the palms of his hands, he knew there was no chance, there was no choice, and they had no say in the matter to begin with; maybe Damsel was too stubborn to accept it, but that was how it's always been to darren. He always had to swallow his emotions, he had to swallow the words he wanted to scream out, and keep the hands he wanted to use to paint, to instead hold a pen over documents. He was a coward,

A coward that could not even protect his only reason to live.

His mate.

The idea of a mate was so addictive, it was anesthetic to him, a drug in his brain, he could get high at the fact that there was somebody out there tailor-made for him, a person, who he could merely graze knees with, that could rid him of all his problems.

if him and his mate stood infront of each other, he would not see anything else than their beautiful eyes, even if the world was on fire, and even if everything and everyone was dying around him, just the thought of his mate could bring him to slumber in the midst of all the chaos.

His dreams of his mate started from when he was only 6, when he was locked up in the dark, and when he was hit to blue and purple, the pain he should've felt was completely nonexistent, because, through all those times, the idea of his mate accompanied him. His mate was the light in his world, his mate was the reason he kept himself breathing, and most of all, his mate was the only thing that couldn't be taken away from him, they were fated, they were a match made before the goddess,

at least that's what he thought.

Fate, yet again, murdered him silently.

it was supposed to be perfect, he would travel the world to find his mate at the age of 18, when he finally found them, the two would move to Rome and start a family, these were the thoughts he had every night he went to sleep, he came up with so many baby names, so many scenarios; they could cook together, and sleep in the same bed, those little thoughts made his eyes twinkle.

but it all changed with Damsel,

he ruined everything.

he took away his only source of oxygen,

he took away the only thing he had ever wanted in his life,

and he took away his only pair of wings.

he knew it wasn't damsel's fault, but he needed someone to blame, someone other than his father, and the closest person was Damsel.

He hated Damsel.

He was so envious of him.

So utterly envious,

He was loved, pampered, and

free.

He could do anything he wanted without the slightest care in the world, his reputation meant nothing to him, and his parents doted on him, he wasn't lacking in anything, he didn't lack a single thing in his life, if he threw a tantrum, his dad would merely pay for damages, if he refused to go to a business party, nobody refuted, and if he downright said he wanted to be a stripper, nobody would stop him.

He had so much freedom.

Yet he was so ungrateful, so stubborn, and utterly privileged.

he was a spoilt brat.

His temper wasn't something he suppressed, and if he took a liking to something, he would do anything to get it, and if he didn't like something, he'd refuse it entirely.

those were things that Darren could never even dream of.

They were privileges Darren would never have.

But in this meeting room, it was the first time Damsel had been pushed to a corner. This was the first time he was probably forced into something. And it was because of those thoughts that Darren felt better; to see Damsel actually taking consequences for once. To someone like Damsel, it was unheard of, impossible, but look at his state now.

Again, Darren had no right to choose.

He should've known better than to wish for happiness, and he should've known better than to entertain the feeling of hope.

A mate was something that was yet again turned into only one of his many fantasies, like all of his desires.

He had no reason to live anymore, it was gone, his oxygen, just like that.

"Do you agree with Damsel, Darren?" The authority in his father's cold voice ran combs up his spine, bringing Darren back to reality.

do i agree? am i even allowed to have an opinion?

can I agree?

the eyes of his father eyed him like a hawk, and darren felt as though he were the smallest thing on the planet right now, like an ant that could be squashed by the tiniest load of weight.

"i don't-..." his words got stuck in his throat, he himself didn't want to utter them, and even his wolf was pulling him back from the actions he knew he'd regret. it was like his left hand was moving on it's own, gripping his right wrist as if pulling himself back. now, two pairs of eyes were on him, not only the painful eyes of his father, but damsel's gaze aswell. his gaze was so confusing, there was anger swimming in them, and he knew from the way damsel's jaw was clenched, that he'd utterly hated himself.

"you what?" Carter beckoned.

"I-.."

the weight of his words were too much for even his wolf to bear, those two words completely broke him down.

"what?"

yes, that whisper from damsel's mouth was heard by darren, maybe it was because darren was listening so desperately for his reaction, waiting for his curses, but he was simply waiting for someone to project the anger he felt onto him.

"Sorry, I'll have to excuse myself."

Darren rushed out of the meeting room, the light from the outside flooded in for a split second before the door closed again, everyone was left in sheer silence in the meeting room.

pitter, patter.

Darren's rushed footsteps resounded in the wide hallways of the Knight manner, with every turn he took, his heart thumped louder, what was he thinking? he should've simply agreed, why did he run out? why did he have to drag things out? his hope was getting stronger the more he stalled, he knew he shouldn't have any expectations but right now the hope he had was giving him his reason to breathe.

one of the community bathrooms fell into his sight, and he practically slammed the door open, rushing to the sink to flood himself with water, not quite literally, but he splashed his face with enough water so that trickles of water slithered down into his dress shirt.

Is this all a dream?

I can have my mate when I wake up.

Let me wake up.

he gripped the edges of the counter as he stared at his flushed face in the mirror.

he looked horrible.

his eyes had pigments of red on the surrounding skin, his mental state right now was practically written all over him. he felt so suffocated in that room, he couldn't exhale without feeling something twisting his lungs. his breaths came out hollow and exasperated as he had just run a marathon.

you're an alpha.

you're an alpha, darren.

yet why did everything feel out of his control?

why was he never in control?

he had never been in control.

he felt the edges of his eyes wettening, and he couldn't help but choke out a quiet, but sonorous sob.

fuck.

fuck, fuck, fuck.

you're a sad excuse of an alpha, as well as a mate.

it was always either one or the other, but how did things turn out this way, why did things have to go wrong, why did everything come to be? where did things go wrong?

oh, his birth.

being an alpha was the last thing he wanted, it was the reason he hated himself, hated his wolf, and hated everyone. if he were to be born as a beta, he could live a life paved out by himself, a life where he wouldn't need to listen to the heed of others. yet the pressure and stress stuck to him like glue since the moment he learned his first words.

he wasn't good enough,

not to his father,

not to his pack,

and now, not even to his mate.

"what the fuck are you doing?" that irritating voice reached his ears,

at that exact moment, Darren was slammed against the wall, his whole body spasmed, and even fell forward at the impact, but a hand was quick enough to grab him by his collar and pin him stably back up against it.

darren felt every gear in his body stiffening, and with the arrival of that voice, came his emotions of guilt.

"Darren, you weren't about to abandon your mate just now, right?"

i was,

"Tell me you weren't."

i really was.

"you weren't."

and he even cursed himself for not getting it over with.

the more damsel pushed for answers, the more darren felt his wolf hiding away from him, like the realization flooding in, the realization of his human counterpart was really abandoning everything.

oh god, it was terrifying, so utterly terrifying, every nerve of his body was trembling, he couldn't feel the connection with his wolf anymore, with every jab damsel made, his wolf was bleeding, because every word pierced through his heart.

"SAY SOMETHING FOR FUCK'S SAKE-" Damsel yelled, his free arm going in for a punch, but it missed Darren's head completely, instead his fist collided against the wall,

damsel's voice lowered, and a quiet quiver could be heard, "say something, please, you can't do this."

Damsel had always been expressive, especially when he was angry, throwing a tantrum and breaking everything around him had always been a response mechanism, but this time;

he was trying not to react.

trying with every muscle of his body to keep calm, to keep from overflowing,

"fuck- you're a real piece of shit, aren't you?" His voice trembled,

"Weren't you cursing me, crying over the fact you were going to lose your mate?" Damsel's voice hastened like he was trying to convince him, "Isn't this perfect? I did all the talking, I did my part, so why can't you do yours?"

"All you fucking have to do is say yes, for fuck's sake darren, my mate's life depends on this, i want my mate."

"don't you want yours?"

please

"you do, don't you?"

i'm begging you,

"darren, please."

But Darren looked away, his jaw tightened and his eyes glistening with tears. The two were both a mess, the two stubborn teens trying to suck up their tears,

but when Damsel saw him avoiding his gaze, he finally realized,

he was going to lose his mate.

there was no hope.

there was really no hope this time.

the hand gripping his collar softened, Damsel even pat down the wrinkles

his hands then moved to hold both sides of Darren's head so he couldn't turn away.

"why?"

was all he could manage to get out before a droplet slithered down his cheek,

he wasn't making any sounds, just that one tear slowly trickling down symbolized enough; it was that last string finally snapping, and falling to the ground.

finally, Darren opened his mouth.

"i hate you."

"Darren, is this really it?"

i hate you for having everything i've always wanted.

"i hate you so fucking much."

You can do whatever you want.

"I don't have a choice, Prince." Darren's voice broke down, "Sarah died. She died."

When he finished his words, Darren slid down against the wall, his eyes completely soulless,

it only took a few seconds for that truck of emotion to hit him,

every cell of his body screamed and Darren became a mess, tugging at his hair,

at first, damsel didn't know what was happening,

but a sharp scream resounded.

Darren screamed, and every pore of his body leaked an oppressive pheromone, and damsel could recognize what it was;

Darren was unstable,

the pheromone he leaked was his body's response in trying to keep his organ's running, this was a reaction everyone knew when the wolf wants to kill himself, the pheromones leak out trying to salvage the body, trying to keep it running,

"... Darren..?" Damsel had never met such a situation, his heart sank.

Damsel covered the stench that was crawling up his nostrils, a rush of fear washing through his eyes as he dropped down to shake him by the shoulders, he gripped his head to see his face, and Darren was completely out of it right now.

"Darren, darren? Wake up, DARREN!"

everything was happening so fast, and damsel was just a teen,

it was happening too fast.

He couldn't see anything but those almost dim eyes of Darren.

He was going to die, right there.

this self-destruct system relied on the mental state of the host,

Darren was not himself,

he had lost his reason.

and he was seconds away from death.

'Sarah died, sarah died, sarah died,' Was the only two words he kept chanting over and over,

and Damsel was completely terrified, goosebumps spreading all across his back as he tried to snap Darren out of the state he was in,

it would take too long to call someone, and right now, Damsel couldn't guess how many more seconds Darren had to live.

Sarah was Darren's younger sister, she had died from illness when she was only 3.

the death of his sister was clicking in his head right now, and Darren was going through some sort of panic attack,

everything was looming in on Damsel, he felt suffocated in that stench, and under all that pressure of having someone's life slip away through his fingers kept him in this state of shock, he so desperately shook his shoulders, screaming, yelling, punching,

anything, anything to wake him up.

nothing was working,

Damsel's own pheromones leaked through the mental state he was in, they came in abruptly and hurriedly, like they were in a panic too, reflecting Damsel's state of mind.

but the next words that Darren had uttered, left Damsel in a state of pure utter disbelief.

It was psychotic

a secret that explained everything.

That day, Damsel realized just how far Carter had gone to have complete control over someone, to the point of purposely inciting his child to trauma over making his own decisions.

That day, Damsel realized Carter was a psychopath.

That Darren was wrapped around his finger,

that Darren was left forever unable to make his own decisions.

"I chose Samuel, so Sarah died."

It clicked.

It finally clicked.

This was how Carter had been raising his perfect little golden boy.

Making him fear his own choices.