Chapter 13 - Sam

Sam stared at the framed picture of him and Andrew resting at the top of one of the boxes on his bed in the dorm. He struggled to breathe, his lungs twisting in on themselves. It was the same feeling he got after Andrew’s death.

Only Andrew stuck up for him. Only Andrew smiled and encouraged him to try other things when he sucked at everything. Encouraged him to focus on his studies, even though he still managed to be only average. Andrew helped him with his stuttering speech, his dyslexia, his inability to focus...

When Andrew died, Sam was lost.

All the progress he had made in his life with Andrew vanished. He could hardly speak a word without stammering incoherently. He couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t focus. He was so emotionally distraught that he started having panic attacks and burst into tears for no reason.

He got kicked out of school for skipping so much. He could hardly breathe when he stepped foot onto the schoolyard.

He kept asking himself, ‘How? How can I do this without you?’

The world was crashing down on him and he didn’t know how to keep going.

He didn’t fit in anywhere and no one cared.

But Alpha and Luna noticed.

He wasn’t a pup anymore and he couldn’t depend on them like he used to. He had to make his own decisions now, walk his own path with his head held high and not let his anxiety of the world crush him like it once did.

But his mate… The one made for him…

He whimpered, unable to even finish his thoughts because the pain in his chest hurt so much.

He should have known better.

He’ll never be good enough.

Another whimper escaped him as he wiped the moisture from his cheeks.

Such a coward. Too afraid to even face Mik now. The disgust on his face…

A light rapping on the door made his head spin as he jerked his attention toward it. Dizzy, he sat down on the edge of his bed and held his head in his hands as he tried to get air into his twisted lungs.

“Yeah?” he croaked out.

“Can I come in?” It was Luna Aki.

He whimpered again. “Yeah.”

The door opened with a click and Luna’s sickly scent punched him in the nose. Looking up, his nose wrinkled as his furrowed eyes met her concern-filled ones.

She wavered in the doorway for a second, her eyes growing large, before sitting next to him on the bed and pulling him into her arms. “Sam, what’s wrong? It will be okay.”

He clung to her, her familiar scent, though tainted, comforted him as he buried his nose in the crook of her neck. He inhaled and exhaled a shuddering breath as she stroked his head and rubbed his back. She held him as his haggard breaths smoothed out and fresh tears began to fall.

“Sam? Talk to me, please,” she said after his tears had subsided and he began to hiccup.

“It’s n-not w-working,” he stammered through his hiccups. “Th-The matebond… It’s n-not enough.”

“Don’t say that, Sam. There’s still time. He’ll come around.”

He shook his head on her tear-soaked shoulder, wrapping his arms tighter around her. “H-He won’t. H-He likes f-females. I’m not—I can’t…”

That stupid Y-chromosome!

He squeezed his eyes shut. “I-I want t-to die…”

“Sam.” Her voice was stern.

“I’m n-not natural.”

“Stop it.”

“First my birth mother, then my parents, now my mate…”

If they couldn’t love him, the ones meant to love him, who could?

“Sam, you stop this thinking right now!” she snarled.

She pushed him away at arm’s length and he crumpled in on himself.

“I can’t do this anymore, Luna! I hate it! I hate being me! I want to die!”

“Now you listen to me, Sam,” she scolded. “Stop thinking like this. You can’t give up on yourself. I won’t let you. You have too much potential for good. Even Eloise was telling me how happy she was that you agreed to try nursing. I agree with her. You have a gift if you just give yourself a chance.”

“What’s the point if my mate doesn’t care about me?”

“How do you know he doesn’t care about you?” She growled, her posture stiffening as her voice lowered. “Did he tell you that?”

He hiccuped. “Kind of.” He hung his head. “He hated me at first… He was so angry when he woke up and when he was strapped down. I thought… I thought he was coming around… He complimented my scent… Let me help him without fighting me… I… I told him… about my family and he…”

She growled and Sam wasn’t sure if it was because she was suspecting the worst or because he mentioned his family. Nevertheless, he continued.

“He told me… to forget them… That I deserved better… We… We had a moment today…” He blushed at the memory of it. “He tried to comfort me… in his own way. I felt… loved… I thought… finally, this was the breakthrough we needed.”

Holding himself, he swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut. “But it’s not enough. I will never be enough for him.”

She pulled him into her arms again and rubbed his back. “I’m so sorry. You have so much strength and goodness to offer him.”

Sam inhaled her scent and whimpered. “I don’t feel strong.”

“Because you’re not looking deep enough.”

His eyes prickled with tears again as he clung to her. “How? How can you believe in me when I don’t even believe in myself?”

“Because eighteen years ago, before I officially became Luna, I saw a small, premature newborn pup clinging to life outside our border with no mother in sight. I remember it—every last detail of it. You could have died that first night but you didn’t. I wanted you for myself but there was another female crying and begging to have you. I was young with a lot of expectations and training to complete. Being new to the pack and not knowing her. I thought she would be a better mother to you than I could and her milk hadn’t dried up yet. That was my first mistake as Luna-to-be and I’ll never forget it. I regret giving you to her and I’m so sorry I didn’t try harder to be more active in your life when you were younger.”

He whimpered as she continued to rub his back and let her regret pour down her cheeks.

“I wish you had been my mother, but you did what you thought was best. I would have done the same.”

“You have every right to be who you are and loved for who you are. It was wrong for them to expect you to be someone you’re not. The same goes for your mate. If he can’t accept and love you for who you are, then he’s not worthy to have you.”

“I wish he would…”

“Wishing and being are two different things. You can’t expect him to be anyone but himself either.”

Closing his eyes, he sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I know. What should I do?”

“That’s something you two have to figure out.”

She kissed his cheeks and offered him a few more words of advice and encouragement before helping him load his belongings into the car. He insisted he was fine and didn’t want to stress her any more than she already was with her pregnancy, but she shushed him, insisting that she wasn’t dead yet. It brought a small smile to his face to see her still as stubborn as ever—and he made sure that she carried all of his lighter items.

Before setting out for the cabin, he stopped in the bathroom to wash his face. His blotchy cheeks and red-rimmed eyes and nose would still give away his moments of weakness, but there was nothing he could do about that.

Luna joined him in the front seat and he took her home when she suddenly turned queasy.

“This pup will be the death of me,” she joked as she gave him a final squeeze.

He prayed that the Goddess didn’t take her words literally as he drove the remaining quarter mile out to the cabin.

It was nearing dinner time when he pulled up and unloaded the car with Alpha’s help. The first thing he noticed was that the table was gone and Mik was still sitting where he left him, just as disgruntled as before.

When Alpha left, Sam eyed Mik nervously before distracting himself with his unpacking. He could feel Mik’s eyes searing into his flesh as he put clothes in the top shelf of the dresser next to the bed at the other end of the cabin.

“So?” Mik demanded.

“So, what?” Sam asked, avoiding his eyes.

“Are we going to talk or are you going to wallow in your own stink of anxiety?”

“Maybe if you stop insulting me, we can have a thoughtful discussion.”

He chanced a glance at Mik and saw his eyes narrow.

“Maybe I can’t have a thoughtful discussion when you smell like shit.”

Sam heaved an exasperated sigh. “Seriously? Does my smell offend you that much, even though we are mates?”

“Would you want to hang around me, never mind have a thoughtful discussion, if I came in here after wallowing in shit?

“Fine!” Sam snapped. “I’ll go take a shower if it pleases his Royal Highness!”

“Thank you,” Mik grunted.

Grabbing his towel, Sam stomped to the bathroom for a quick scrub. He felt a little better after furiously scrubbing away his anger but in his haste forgot to grab a clean pair of underwear. Feeling self-conscious and exposed, he tip-toed out with the towel wrapped around his chest. Even though he knew it was futile, he hoped Mik wouldn’t notice him trying to sneak out with just a towel on.

As he suspected, Mik saw him and scrunched up his face. Before he could utter a word, Sam snatched a pair of underwear and clean clothes and scampered back into the safety of the bathroom.

When he emerged, he tried to pretend as though nothing had happened.

Of course, Mik wouldn’t let it slide.

“What’s with the towel around your chest like a female?”

“N-No reason,” Sam stammered, unable to admit the truth about his condition just yet. “You know how shy I am. Do I smell better now?”

Mik grunted and looked out the nearest window, shifting in his seat and grimacing.

He must be uncomfortable. He’s been sitting on that hard chair for hours. “Would you like me to help move you to the couch?”

“Please.” There was a note of relief and gratitude in his voice that he failed to mask.

“You know, you can ask me for anything,” Sam said as he stepped up to Mik. “I don’t mind. Really.”

“That’s why you’ll make a good nurse,” Mik said as Sam helped him up.

Heat rushed up Sam’s neck to his ears and cheeks. “Thanks.”

“When does your training start?” Mik asked as they hobbled a dozen feet to the couch.

“As soon as your casts come off and you get your independence back. Bet you can’t wait for that.”

“It’s not that I don’t appreciate your help, I just… I never needed to rely on anyone like this before. Makes me feel like shit. I don’t like feeling useless and an annoyance.”

“You’re not an annoyance and I totally understand. It will only be for another week or so.”

Mik grunted as he collapsed on the couch and sighed. Sam watched him close his eyes and the creases in his face smooth out.

Why did Sam have to find him so attractive? Was it because of the matebond or was he actually gay? Or bisexual? Did it matter? All he wanted to do was take care of him and make him happy. He wanted to reach out and brush the loose strands of hair from his face that escaped his ponytail and run his fingers through his beard.

Still hovering over him, Sam filled his lungs with his scent and smiled at the trace left on his shirt and skin. Smiled at the peace his scent and closeness made him feel. Smiled at the warmth that filled him and squeezed his heart.

He watched Mik inhale deeply, his eyelids fluttering.

Would he still push Sam away if he knew what he was missing?

Taking a chance, Sam leaned down and pressed his lips to Mik’s.