Chapter 24 - Mik (Part 3)

He heard Sam swallow with difficulty.

“Yeah.”

Prying his eyes open, Mik looked up, searching the shadows again for a hint of emotion. The silence dragged on and Mik began to sweat again. “Say something. Why did you come here?”

Tension settled in again. Mik could smell Sam’s anxiety spiking as his heart jumped in his chest.

“I... I don’t know what to say.”

Mik frowned. Sam always had something to say. He was the talkative one between the two of them. Mik didn’t know how to carry a conversation.

Hanging his head, Mik released a sigh. “I’m not good at this.”

“Me neither.”

“You were better than me because you tried harder. I only thought about myself.” He mashed his lips together. Fighting with the words that rushed through his head and collided with the memories of them. “I... always... pushed you away...”

‘You had to. It’s disgusting,’ his father sneered at him.

“Even when you did nice things... I pushed... Not only because they came from you and I hated that you were male... but because... I didn’t know how... to accept them.”

Memories of the pancakes covered in syrupy sweetness—still warm, light and fluffy. Sam’s excitement to bring him such a treat that he vehemently rejected. “Like the pancakes,” he murmured. “It’s not that I didn’t like the syrup because I did. It just... It reminded me of the time I was a pup. I was so happy with the treat, I stuffed myself to the brim. I didn’t think about the syrup that got on me...” He swallowed, pushing the memory aside. “You were always thinking about nice things you could do for me and I brushed them off and took you for granted.”

He swallowed again, forcing himself to speak even though the shame of his words pushed him to the floor and burned his heart and twisted his gut.

“Even now, I wonder what I did to deserve any of it.” He tried to swallow again, but the lump forming in his throat wouldn’t move and he coughed to try and clear it. “I didn’t deserve any of it then and I still don’t deserve anything now, but to rot in that cell. You deserve better than anything I can give you because I know whatever I do... I’ll fuck it up.”

‘Stop sniveling,’ his father spat. ‘What are you doing? You want this male? This disgusting, pathetic excuse for a male?’

Mik curled his fingers to form fists. “I don’t deserve you... or your forgiveness... or a second chance... or your kindness even. But now... That’s all I want. And I’m sorry for everything I did to you. I hope you can forgive me in time and give me another chance because I swear, this time...”

“This time, you’ll what?” Sam pressed when Mik trailed off. “You won’t cheat on me? Look, I get it. I’m male and you like females. There’s nothing I can do about that. That’s the way you are. Asking you to become something you’re not is wrong too. I can’t ask you to go against your nature. You’re attracted to females. I get it.”

“Sam, I can’t even get a hard-on with a female anymore. I tried and I failed with Nikki. She had all the assets and things that used to turn me on, but I still couldn’t. That doesn’t give me an excuse for what I did, but it does tell me that something’s changed whether I like it or not.”

“So now you want to try because you can’t get an erection with a female?” Revulsion and hurt laced Sam’s voice.

Mik growled at the mincing of his words. “No. I want to try because I realized what I was missing. What I was blind to see before. I was so wrapped up in myself that I failed to see what we had and I miss it. I...” he hesitated, hanging his head and taking a big breath, willing himself to spit the words out. “I miss you.”

Sam’s scent was a mixture of hurt, confusion, anxiety, and disgust. “I can’t believe you.”

Mik hung his head. “I know.”

“You... You used me,” Sam accused. “And now you expect me to take you back and give you another chance?”

His throat burned. The truth in his words stung. “I’m sorry. I know I can’t take it back and I wish I could because seeing you jump was the last thing I wanted. Why did you do it?”

“Why did you cheat?” Sam countered, his voice rising and cracking at the end.

Mik groaned, banging his fists on the wooden floor. “Because I’m a fucking retard!” He gritted his teeth while his father laughed in the back of his mind.

‘Spit it out, why don’t you?’ his father jeered. ‘Fucking fag.’

Defeat cracked him open. “Because I hated that you were male. Because I was still dead-set on over-throwing Noodin and knew I needed a luna to lead at my side...”

“That’s why I jumped,” Sam stated. “Because no matter what happens between us, you’ll never be able to accept and love me for who I am. The matebond wasn’t enough. The matebond was—”

“Right,” Mik cut in.

Sam’s scent shifted to confusion. Mik could feel his eyes staring hard into him.

“The matebond was right,” Mik stated. “I was wrong. There’s nothing wrong with you, Sam. You’re perfect in your own way. And it’s that way I’ve come to realize I needed all along. Not a strong, fierce female, but a gentle and thoughtful male brave enough to give a bond with an asshole like me a chance. Everything I thought I needed in a mate was a lie. What I needed was someone strong enough to put up with the worst side of me and still be able to put me in my place when I crossed the line. Someone who saw the best in us when I didn’t.”

He let that sink in for Sam. He could tell Sam was struggling with his emotions.

After a few minutes, Sam asked, “Why did you fight Alpha when you knew you’d lose?”

“Because I want you and I’ll fight for you. He knew that. I told him I’d fight for you, even if you rejected me.”

Sam let out a shaky breath. A whimper that called to Mik to comfort him, but he held himself back.

“Did you really read to me?” Sam asked, swallowing hard.

“Every day. For hours. I told you everything—my past, my thoughts, my feelings...” He heaved a sigh. “I could hardly talk at first. I never shared things like that with anyone. I was terrified someone would listen in and mock me, but no one did and it got easier. I took care of you the way you took care of me for weeks. I...” He swallowed. “I miss being with you.”

Salt pierced the air. Sam mashed his lips together. His Adam’s apple bobbing up and down in his throat. He trembled in his wheelchair. A collision of emotions saturated the air of the cabin as Sam began to break down.

“Don’t f-fuck with me,” he stammered.

“I can’t promise that I won’t fuck up, but I’m done fucking around and I will never fuck up like that again,” Mik vowed.

“You swear too much.”

“Does it bother you? I’ll try and stop if it does... but I’ll probably fuck that up too.”

Sam cracked a smile. It wavered before he mashed his lips together again. “What happened to your hair and beard?”

“I had them cut off. I wanted to reassure you when you woke up that you wouldn’t be the only one with no hair.” He smirked to himself. “You know, when Dr. Waaban finally permitted me to move, I had to wash my hair in the bathroom sink and I remembered waking up from my coma and getting mad about the braids. But I realized then how much you cared about me. How you went out of your way to take care of me. No one has ever done that for me. Only you.” He frowned. “That’s why you’re special. You went out of your way for me and I’m sorry it took me until after you tried to kill yourself to realize it.”

He hung his head and bore his neck to Sam, submitting himself to the only one he wanted to call his own while his father gagged in his head.

“Okay.” Sam’s voice cracked. “We’ll try again.”