Bad Intentions: Chapter 4

The school day flew by. I had a test in my last period, an important one, so I spent the day secretly studying my textbook whenever I could. I hadn’t seen Cayden West around again, thank God. He had a screw loose, and I didn’t want anything to do with him.

The test went well, and soon, I was home and grabbing food from the fridge. I checked my email again. Since I’d applied for early admission to the school of my dreams on the West Coast, I’d developed a compulsion for checking my inbox. Now, I was waiting.

Soon I’d apply for my backup schools, including HHU. Hade Harbor University was a great school, but it was too close to home. If I went there, I knew for a fact that my parents would expect me to live at home, and I couldn’t take it. This time next year, I wanted to be out of this house, this town, just out. I wanted to be gone. I wanted – no, needed – some freedom in my life. I loved my parents, but their attention was stifling. I needed to make some mistakes, to strike out on my own. I was desperate to escape the pressure of being Lillian Williams, straight-A student, Coach’s daughter.

Balancing a green apple on top of a jar of peanut butter and a chocolate bar, I headed through the house toward my bedroom.

“How was the test?”

My mother’s unexpected voice startled me, and I nearly dropped everything. I whirled around and found her sitting in the corner of the living room, a magazine open on her lap.

“It was okay. Good.” I replied breathlessly, my heart still pounding from the fright.

She smiled at me. My mother, Sandra, was still a beautiful woman, and she took great pains to ensure everyone knew it. Sometimes it was like she knew my school schedule better than I did.

“I knew you could do it. HHU will be begging you to attend, you’ll see.”

I often suspected my mom could read my mind. Despite how occupied she was with her real estate career, she seemed to see inside my head with such precision, it was eerie. I dropped my gaze.

Can she tell I’m hiding something from her?

“Yeah, we’ll see.”

She gave me an encouraging smile. “Don’t worry about it, honey. You’re a shoo-in.”

“Yeah, but it’s really competitive, you know.” I fidgeted.

“Trust me, keep acing your tests and you have nothing to worry about. Go and eat your snack,” she said after a moment, turning back to her magazine.

Inside my bedroom, I shut the door and set my snack down.

My heart shuddered. I hated lying to my mom, but I had no idea how to tell my well-meaning parents that they were suffocating me. I had no idea how to tell them that at seventeen years old, I’d never even been kissed. I wanted to date, I wanted to stay out late, and I wanted to obsess over some guy who asked me out. I wanted to be normal and not the test acer for once. My mom would never understand. She’d had me young and married my father when they’d both just gotten out of high school. She saw in me all the potential that she’d lost when she’d become a mom at nineteen. I didn’t have it in me to break her heart.

I sliced my apple carefully, spread peanut butter on each slice, and added a square of chocolate to the top. The methodical action of preparing it perfectly calmed me. Once I had my plate all set up, with the apple slices arranged in a pleasing circle—appeasing my OCD tendencies—I reached for my laptop.

After my test today and nonstop cramming, my brain was fried, but I had another test at the end of the week I should really start preparing for. First, I dug my diary out from under my pillow and chose a light-blue pen to write in it. I always needed to write things out to process them. My newest diary had a cute little keypad lock, though I never really worried about anyone reading it in my house and had lost the key months ago. My parents trusted me far too much to suspect that there was anything interesting or wild going on between the pages of my journal. Sadly, they were right.

Today, however, that changed. I stared at the name I’d written in blue across the white page.

Cayden West.

I rarely wrote about anything but my family, classes, and future aspirations. Cayden had really gotten under my skin. He was like a hurricane, slamming into my life without warning and shaking everything free from its tethers. Most of all, he’d noticed me, and that made me uncomfortable. I was such an expert in not being noticed that it was unsettling to have caught someone’s eye. The fact that it was someone so crazy only made it worse.

Still, it was something new, an unknown variable to introduce into the system of my life. I didn’t like unknowns. They were scary. The very best thing I could do to get rid of this particular unknown was to stay out his way, keep my head down, and wait until Cayden West forgot about me and my silly insults. It was sure to happen any day now. He was a soon-to-be Ice God, if the guys he’d been hanging out with at Beckett’s party were anything to go by, and I – well, I was just Bug. Science nerd, Coach Williams’ dorky daughter. A girl with the weight of the world on her shoulders.

I’d be off his radar as soon as girls like Selena sunk their claws into him. Given his outrageous good looks and bad-boy aura, that was sure to happen sooner rather than later.

Yep, Cayden West would forget about the weird, rude girl who’d shouted at him in a parking lot, and I’d forget what it felt like to be noticed by someone new. Life would go back to normal soon enough.

Hours later at dinner, however, it seemed my father wasn’t ready to let Cayden West be forgotten any time soon.

“This kid, you should see him skate. I mean, you will, if I have anything to say about it.”

“But is he allowed to play for Hade Harbor if he doesn’t live here?” My mother was on her third glass of wine.

My father, Eric, blew out a derisive snort. “Let them try and stop him. The Hellions need him, and the school board wants to win Nationals just as badly as I do.”

“Why this year?” I wondered aloud.

My father turned his eyes to me. “This year, with Beckett, Marcus, and Asher, we have a real chance. They need a killer center though, and that person is Cayden. You should have seen them skating together after school today. It’s like they were born to be a team.”

“So, sounds like the Ice Gods have a new member,” I muttered.

“They sure do. I’m getting Cayden on the team, no matter what. Otherwise—” He cut off and looked at me.

I sat up straighter under his long stare. “Otherwise what?”

My dad sat back, putting his napkin on the table and giving me a grin. “Otherwise, I might not be able to move to the coach position at HHU. They’re keeping it open for me, depending on what I can do with the team this year.”

My dinner felt like a rock in my belly. My father was going to coach at HHU? Because of me?

“I didn’t know you wanted to coach college hockey,” I said lightly.

“It’s a great opportunity, Lillian, and a huge promotion,” my mother said.

She was excited. It was evident in her tone.

“You mean a great opportunity to keep an eye on me?” My accusing question shot out before I could stop it. Never mind that I didn’t even plan on going to HHU, just the fact that my dad was planning on being there only made that invisible pressure that was already threatening to crush me push down even harder.

“Lillian, it’s a big school. I won’t even see you, unless you come and visit your old man. I just thought it would be nice to know that we’re both on campus somewhere. I’m not there to cramp your style.”

I sighed. “That’s what you always say, but being the coach’s daughter was supposed to end after high school.” My protest sounded petty, even to me.

My dad sighed. “Lil, I don’t know what you want me to say. It’s a great opportunity. It’s the next step for me. More money, bigger games, more skill, strategy—”

“The chance at fame you never got as a player because of me, right?”

Silence fell as the cruel words left my mouth. God, I was being a bitch. I was insufferable. My face crumpled immediately, and tears left my eyes as I stood and threw myself into my dad’s arms. They opened for me without hesitation.

“I’m sorry. That was awful,” I muttered against his chest.

“It’s okay, Lil. I know you didn’t mean it. It’s a big shock, I guess.” He rubbed a warm circle on my back.

I nodded, and after a moment, leaned away. My mother was looking at me with sympathy in her eyes.

“I’m just tired. It was a long day. I should go and get started on my homework.”

“Okay, sweetheart. We’re here if you want to talk,” my mom said with a kind smile.

I nodded and slunk away.

After dinner, I ran on the treadmill in the basement. I liked to work off my anxious energy before bed, but I wasn’t allowed to go jogging alone at night, so the basement it was.

I returned to my room and grabbed my shower things, spending far too long under the hot spray. I washed my long hair slowly and methodically before finally getting out of the shower. The mirror was fogged, exactly like I preferred it. I brushed my teeth and let my mind linger over the conversation at the dinner table.

My father wanted to coach at HHU.

But I’m not going to HHU. I’m going far, far away, and he has no idea.

I’d acted like a complete bitch. I couldn’t stop torturing myself by replaying the moment when I’d snapped at my dad, reminding him of his short-lived hockey career. It wasn’t only my mom’s dreams that had been shattered by my arrival, but my dad’s, too.

I’d cost them everything, and I was reminded of it every single day. It was the very reason I’d burrowed into schoolwork so hard and stressed over having a perfect attendance record and GPA. It was the reason I never got in trouble, or snuck out late, or hell, even kissed a boy. I was fated to pay penance to the two people who had given up everything for me, and I was the ungrateful brat who wanted to run away and be free on the other side of the country.

Forget about California. Be a good girl, go to HHU, and make your parents proud. You won’t be happy in the Golden State if they’re sad, and you know it.

I took a deep breath through my nose, trying to calm my wild anxiety and drown out the obnoxiously wise voice in my head. Rinsing my mouth, I wrapped my towel tighter around my body and went back to my room.

My mom was sitting on my bed. I jerked to a stop, my face flushing as she met my eyes. Again, I felt like she could see inside my frantic, selfish mind.

“Honey, come and sit. Let’s talk.”

I inched further into the room.

“We don’t have to. I’m over it now. I’m sorry for what I said.”

My mother just patted the bed until my resistance crumbled and I sank down beside her.

“Look, I know it’s not easy. Your father and I might be a little overprotective, but the alternatives are far worse. The last thing I want is to see you tied up over some guy, distracted, unfocused… I know it sounds like an over exaggeration right now, but believe me, Lily, this time is important. You’re shaping the rest of your life. You can’t afford any mistakes.”

Maybe making some mistakes is exactly what I need.

My mom didn’t get it. She couldn’t remember what it was like to be my age. I had nothing to drive me except for wanting to make my parents proud. I felt like I hadn’t lived for myself yet. I kept putting it off and putting it off for some later date. But my protests remained sealed behind my lips. I’d never say them. I couldn’t break her heart like that.

“I know, Mom. Don’t worry. You don’t have to worry about me, you know that.”

Good ol’ dependable Bug. I was depressingly predictable. If I died before I graduated college, at least they could put on my headstone that I “aimed to please, no matter the personal cost” – that was something to be proud of, right?

My mom patted my hand. “I know, honey. I know.”