Chapter 1

Why does the sound of a zipper being lowered hit me like a gunshot going off and make my whole body shake like the end of a rattlesnake’s tail? I hate how the mind can be triggered by just a smell, a word, or a sound. Fuck if the noise of Payne’s pants zipper slowly lowering doesn’t make my mouth burn with bile. What’s happening to me this very minute, seconds from being violated again, has my limbs frozen in stark fear. Everything he just said is whipping through my brain, trying to cut me open to get into my mind and leave me stuck with only my own voice to keep me company.

“Wh–what do you mean? I don’t… No! You’re lying…” I trail off on a broken whisper, my body going completely flush until it feels like someone dropped a bucket of ice-cold water over me and leaving the meat suit I’m wearing numb.

It’s like I’ve been placed in a body that isn’t mine and I’m left with not knowing who I am. I should be jumping for joy, thanking a faceless God that Payne isn’t my father. Instead, I feel cheated. Why have me go through the same torment all those years, making me feel like I’ve only been a piece of trash placed in front of him when in reality I could have had a father that would cherish me? It’s funny how life works that way but I’m still not laughing. Maybe the loud, crazed laughter echoing around the kitchen is mine but who knows? It could all just be in my head because I truly think I’m crashing at a rapid speed, watching everything in slow motion just before I realize it’s all happening within a blink of an eye. I’m almost at the point of not caring what the outcome is anymore.

“You think my daughter would be a slut like you? You’re just like your mother, willing to open her legs for anyone, and now I’ll be ripping through your tight pussy to get a taste of what’s mine. I fed you, clothed you, put a roof over your goddamn head. It’s only fair I sink my dick into what I rightfully own,” Payne taunts while sliding a knife through the back strap of my bra and leaving me naked except for the thin pair of underwear that I wish was glued to my body.

“Is that why you let your men rape me? Make me feel like I was nothing? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.” I keep repeating that one stupid word like a scratched record as the back of my neck is held down by the palm of Payne’s hand.

I guess I have my answer as to why I’ve always called him by his first name instead of Dad. He never felt like one and didn’t deserve the title. My gaze connects with Dalton’s and I realize I’ve been staring at him this whole time while losing my mind. Maybe this is just a horrible nightmare, where all my truths come out to play while the guy with the violet eyes watches my past repeat itself right in front of him as he slowly bleeds to death.

“Tillie.” Payne grabs my neck and roughly brings me to a standing position with my back arched as my bra slides down my arms, exposing my breasts to Whiskey and Poe and their disgusting, lust-filled eyes. “You are nothing. I just had to remind you and set an example. You can thank your whore of a mother for that.” His voice is like slick oil on my skin that I desperately want to wash off.

If I could, I’d vomit all over the quartz counters but I can’t even draw in a proper breath to try. Lead sits heavy in my stomach and the sharp, stinging pain that trails down my collarbone to my hip bone tells me I’m wide awake. Maybe if I focus on something to block out everything, I can live through this again. Why would I want to though? What more is there for me? I remember that stupid fucking nail in the basement ceiling and how it gave me the sanity to escape but that part of my mind I hold onto is going to crack this time around.

My body was used like a rag doll, being tossed and turned on numb limbs as if my body wasn’t my own. I really did die that day. The only thing that my eyes connect with are Dalton’s and it’s the sheer madness, uncontrolled rage shining in his gaze that grounds me.

It says fight.

Live.

You would think that another cut on my body, another scar, wouldn’t hurt me since I’m used to it but it still brings tears to my eyes. I won’t give Payne my voice though, it’s the one thing I have left. Knowing he’s digging his dirty nails down my skin, drawing blood, fills me with disgust. It’s like he’s trying to mark me until he’s embedded in my soul so I’ll always feel dirty and be reminded of him.

“Dalton,” I choke out quietly, feeling my unblinking eyes fill with more tears as Payne cups the front of my underwear, groping me tightly through the thin material.

Just when he starts to slide my panties to the side, Poe rubbing his hands together like he’s in for a fine meal, and Whiskey groaning as he palms his hard-on, the sound of the garage door creaking on its hinges makes everyone freeze.

“Whiskey, door. Poe, on the other side.” Payne barks out orders in a rough voice but doesn’t move from behind me as he snaps the elastic of my panties back in place.

He doesn’t seem to have any fear, thinking he can get away with anything as if he’s God himself. I can’t wait for the day he realizes he can bleed too, so I can watch the light fade from his eyes. I’m counting down those days when I’m strong enough to be the one delivering his death.

I don’t dare to move an inch as the garage door to the mudroom opens and shuts. The sound of Diana’s high laugh and the clicking of her heels makes my eyes connect with Dalton’s again. Seeing his gaze already burning into mine helps remind me I’m not completely alone this time. Though I’d rather he not see what’s coming, I have to swallow the shame because no one really wants someone to know their deepest, darkest secrets. To have them exposed. I wanted to tell my life story in my own time but I guess plans don’t always go how we want them to. Dalton keeps slowly shaking his head from side to side, blinking rapidly as his chin keeps dropping to his chest. He’s going to pass out soon and maybe that’s a good thing, he won’t have to see my body being raped. He keeps grinding his teeth around the gag in his mouth, baring his white teeth and straining his body around the ropes as if trying to find the strength to break free. I know he’s in pain on the outside and inside by the haunted shadow in his violet eyes. If I could, I’d stab Payne in the exact same spot he stabbed Dalton, over and over and over again. Dalton is in pain because of me. This is all my fault. Had it not been for me, Dalton’s dad wouldn’t be dead. The guy I’m starting to really care about wouldn’t be bleeding out in front of me while strapped to a chair. Logan wouldn’t be knocked out upstairs. I’ve done nothing but bring them pain. I’m a disturbance they never needed.

All of it is my fucking fault.

Diana’s laughter cuts off to a sudden halt, her voice caught on a gasp as she stares at Payne like she’s seen a ghost.

“You dare enter my house! Do you know who the fuck I am? Fucking Demon Jokers scum!” Franco’s sudden angry, booming shout makes me jump and I turn my head to see him standing, frozen in place by the fridge with a gun pointed to the side of his head.

“Like we give a fuck who you are. I’m the guy holding a gun to your fucking head, seconds away from splattering your brain all over the place.” Whiskey smirks, his yellow teeth flashing, making me cringe as he digs the gun harder against Franco’s temple.

“Well, well. It’s been a long time hasn’t it, Diana? So this is where you’ve been hiding? In a life of expensive shit and a big house over your head. I thought you would be rotting in a gutter somewhere but I should have known you’d spread those legs for anything or anyone with money,” Payne sneers, his rotting breath filling my lungs as he leans over my shoulder to rest his chin there as he taunts Diana.

“Y–you can’t be here. It’s not possible. I’ve hidden and covered all my tracks,” Diana whispers in agony before flashing her eyes to me, taking in my naked state with a grimace and disgust outlined on her face.

“You’re all dead men. I’m going to put a bullet in each of you,” Franco states calmly, but his clenched jaw gives away how pissed he really is.

You don’t take away control from a man like Franco who’s had a taste of power, he’ll do anything to keep it from being stolen from him. Anything.

“It’s almost laughable how you think I’m here for you, Diana, but the timing couldn’t be more perfect. You’ll get to watch while I have my way with your daughter, but I think I’ll let the man of the house have the first taste. What do you say, Franco? You want a taste of this sweet pussy?” Payne makes sure to face me fully towards Franco, causing me to flinch as his eyes can’t help but roam up and down my body before his expression hardens.

“No!” Diana shouts as Poe grabs her from behind and locks his arms around her with a laugh as she starts bucking wildly in his grip and something in my chest tightens as I think she’s trying to fight to save me but once again I’m fooled. “Let him go, Payne, Franco has nothing to do with this. He and I will walk out of here and not say anything,” she pleads desperately.

I look away from her gaze when it collides with mine, seeing her lips twisting with rage. Can’t say I blame her. I brought the devil to her doorstep when all I wanted was to find someplace safe to call my own. Poe tightens his grip on her and shoves her arms behind her back while roughly grabbing her chin so she can’t look away from me.

“Can’t pass up some sweet pussy and let me tell you… she’s tight as fuck.” Whiskey laughs as he cocks the gun and places it at the back of Franco’s head to make him move around the kitchen island until he’s a few feet away from me.

“Remember this moment, Tillie. Your actions caused deaths like Doris and a trail of blood of Hell’s Devils to find you here. You’ll take whatever I throw at you. Now be a good girl and spread your legs apart so your stepfather can shove his tongue inside your cunt. Maybe if you’re really good, I’ll tell you who your real dad is,” Payne whispers in my ear, making me feel like cement is holding my feet down as I drown in my mind. I can somewhat hear over the buzzing in my ears as Dalton screams behind his gag, but all I can focus on is Franco being kicked behind his knees to fall in front of me.

I see his cold eyes staring at Payne for a split second, promising death but what has me sucking in a ragged breath is the desire he’s trying to hide behind a blank expression as he finally gazes up into my eyes.

A loud thump above our heads makes Franco’s lips curl at the edges in the beginning of a grin before it’s gone. It takes me a second to realize that not once has he asked about Logan’s whereabouts.

“Whiskey, I thought you said you took care of his son? Go get him and bring him down here so he can watch his father enjoy his girl’s pussy,” Payne orders with a harsh laugh as Whiskey tosses the gun carelessly to him and winks at me before striding out of the kitchen and into the dark part of the house.

“Now, where were we? Oh yes. Chief.” Payne makes sure to point the gun under the left side of my jawline so I can still watch Franco even as he digs the cold metal into my skin. “Take her panties off.”

I must be going crazy because with the gun no longer pointing at Franco, he doesn’t try to fight or do anything really but keeps his gaze directed between my legs. Why do his hands lift and grasp my hips before slowly sliding down to clasp the edge of my lace underwear? Some crazy part of me thinks he’s enjoying this.

“Will you look at that? Doesn’t matter if you’re covered in paint and dirty, it seems your step daddy dearest wants some young pussy.” I can feel the sleazy grin that crosses Payne’s face as he lays his cheek against mine to watch Franco over my shoulder.

“You son of bitch! I left and never looked back! You can’t do this!” Diana sobs and I can’t look towards her but it doesn’t matter, not like I want to. As expected, I can feel the accusatory glare she’s directing at me and it’s slowly eating my flesh away like maggots.

I do feel dirty and gross. It’s nothing like when my four assholes touch me. Even if that gangster, Dom, touched me, I wouldn’t feel revolted by his touch like I do right now by Franco. All of this is wrong. So wrong on so many levels and there’s nothing I can do about it. My gaze tries to connect with Dalton so I don’t have to witness another tearing pain in my soul that will keep me up at night but Payne has other plans.

The pressure of the gun leaves my jaw and I see his arm raise to my right, pointing at Dalton who, thank God, by some miracle has passed out. He doesn’t need to see my shame, to fill the blank spaces in his head.

“None of that, Tillie. You’re going to watch the most powerful man in L.A. destroy you. That innocence you try to hold onto died a long time ago when I had my men rip your pussy in two. Tonight… it’s time you lost all hope. This is your life now. Give up and give in to me.”

Why do those words make me feel like the earth is pressing on my shoulders and my heart is sinking at the same time? Give up… Give in… Just let it all go and accept that this is all I’ll ever know. For the first time ever, tears leak down my cheeks as Payne gains another piece of my soul in his dirty palm that has shaken hands with the devil.

“I hate you,” I whisper those words out loud. To whom? I’m not sure.

It could be Payne for all he’s put me through or it could be Franco as I watch him slide my underwear the rest of the way off as if in a daze. This is really happening yet I feel frozen, as if my body is shutting down and quitting. Maybe it’s both men who can’t keep their fucking hands to themselves. I never asked for this.

“What are you waiting for, Chief? What does she taste like?” Payne asks, taunting him.

I want to squeeze my eyes shut, but for some reason, I can’t. It’s like I want to torture myself, beating myself up just to feel that ounce of pain I deserve. There must be a reason this keeps happening to me? Either way, I watch Franco lean in, as if mesmerized and take a deep breath with his face inches from my pussy. The huff of his warm breath causes me to jump in place, his gaze flickering up to watch me as he licks with the flat of his tongue between my legs. His tongue is wet, warm, and moves rapidly, going right in for the kill without intent of slowing down.

More tears flow down my cheeks, hating myself for liking how good it feels, even as much as I hate every second of this. I try to fight it by putting my mind somewhere else, but my body is reacting no matter how much I don’t want this. The wetness between my thighs mortifies me. He sucks my clit between his lips suddenly and sucks hard enough to bruise as he watches my hips jerk forward as he grabs the back of my thighs to bring me closer to his mouth. I’m surrounded by two monsters that get off on my suffering and humiliation.

“You may say no but it seems your body tells a different story. Once a whore, always a whore.” Payne laughs evilly in my ear as my body shakes, an uncontrolled orgasm rising to the surface.

“I–I don’t want this,” I manage to say in a shaky voice, squeezing my eyes shut for a second as I try to hold off as long as I can.

“Lies. I better see his face covered in your juices, Tillie, or I’m blowing off your boyfriend’s head over here.” He wiggles his gun in Dalton’s direction as if I need a reminder of what’s at stake.

My body slumps in Payne’s hold in defeat. I’ll never have control of my body or my mind it seems. Why fight? I don’t want Dalton to die. I’ll do anything for my guys to make sure they survive, to experience a long life of actually living. This right here isn’t living, it’s trying to survive even when you can hear the clock ticking. Any moment, my life can end and I can only recall a few times I’ve truly felt happy. I fight with myself back and forth, trying to find the will to keep going but it’s like grasping at air…

This is me giving up.

I think about the guys and hope they come to realize this isn’t the real me. My brain and body are at war with each other. My traitorous body is winning.

“You have one second to let go of my girl or fucking die.”