CHAPTER 28: JUST

I quickly pull my hand back the second I realize what just happened. I’m starting to get angry. “What are you doing, Yuri?!”

“Are you really straight, Noh?” Instead of answering my question, she repeats her question to me. She grabs my hand and makes me fondle her breast once again. This time around, she digs her fingers deep and forces me to squeeze it. I’m shaking with anger. “What kind of a guy do you think I am?”

“A pervert!” She shouts at my face as she moves in closer daringly. I had no idea that Yuri is this kind of a person.

“I’m very disappointed in you, Yu.” I have nothing else to say other than those words. I use one of my free hand to push her away before I excuse myself and head back to shore. I’m so pissed off that my entire body is trembling.

I grab a towel as I walk on the beach to cover myself since I don’t want anyone to see the infuriated expression on my face. However, there are quick footsteps coming up behind me before I feel a 45kg weight on top of my back.

“What are you doing, Yu?!” Apparently, Yuri had decided to jump on my back despite the fact that we just had a fight.

“I love you soooooooooo much!” She exclaims as she locks her arms around my neck. I’m completely baffled as to what is happening. “What?!”

“Actually, I was wondering how I’d be able to yell for help if you really were gonna do something to me since the beach is full of foreigners.” She ignores my question as she continues to chat with glee. Between her giggling and cheerful tone, I realize that I’m not angry anymore. “You were testing me?!” I hop a bit which sends Yuri flying before bouncing back. She screams in delight.

“Just a little~” Her small arms wrap around me a bit tighter now. I guess she’s afraid that she might fall off. Even though I was pissed off just earlier, I can’t help but let out some chuckles.

“You would’ve been in trouble if you had done this with someone else, do you realize that? Never ever test anyone like that in the future, understand?” Nevertheless, I feel I must remind her of these things. It really was such a silly thing to do. Yuri continues with her giggle fit with no sign of stopping any time soon.

“I’m so glad that I have you as a boyfriend~” She tells me as she leans her head to touch mine. Eh? So I really am Yuri’s boyfriend?

“Hey, Noh!”

“Hm?” I almost forgot that we were about to arrive back at the resort.

“Why is it that you’ve never told other people about how you’re not really my boyfriend?” Ah, so she still remembers. How amazing.

“Because you already told people that I am, how was I supposed to deny everything?”

“I’m such a cheater, aren’t I?”

“Yup!” I quickly reply. Yuri hits my back right away. What?! I didn’t say anything wrong though!

“You could’ve been nicer about it. You know, aren’t you afraid that the girl that likes you might misunderstand when you refuse to state otherwise?” Oh, so she realizes that too. I’m kind of proud of her.

“Nah, forget about that.” I answer her as I think about why I’ve been letting this goes on. I didn’t turn her down because I didn’t want to embarrass her. But aside from that, I thought having a girlfriend would help make my life more peaceful. Back then, I used to play with the band. We held a performance at the convent’s auditorium and it was completely insane. I mean, I was glad that the girls loved us. But after the event ended, I kept getting weird calls every day so I started to feel unsure about it.

“I knew that you’d be a gentleman. You’d never humiliate me. Good thing I was the first girl to say that. I mean, you wouldn’t have denied it if some other girl claimed that you were her boyfriend. Ugh, I would’ve been so sad.” Basically, I’m like an item on sale? Whoever gets their hands on me the fastest wins?

I find this whole thing pretty funny. To be honest, I haven’t been telling people otherwise simply because Yuri is a really great girl. It’s not a terrible thing to have someone like her as a friend. If this were someone who was really annoying then I would’ve told her off the very first day she spread the word about having me as a boyfriend.

We finally arrive at the area where we can rinse our legs and feet. I let Yuri down from my back so she can wash the sand off of her.

“Noh…”

“What’s up?”

“Let me know when you finally found someone that you actually like. I’ll help you out.” She tells me this out of the blue. She’s not looking at me though. I stare at Yuri, who is washing her legs, before I let out a small smile.

“Yeah, right~”

“I’m serious. At first, I thought that if I kept pretending to be your girlfriend then you’d fall for me eventually.” Oh, jeez. What kind of a logic is that, Yuri? I can’t help but chuckle at her ridiculous thought process.

“Don’t laugh. After a long while, I realized that you don’t have any feelings for me at all. Ultimately, I got over you and accepted the fact that it’d never happen.” She tells me as she helps me wash the sand off my legs before turning off the faucet.

Yuri’s smile is still as bright as ever. “I can’t wait to meet whoever that person is. I wanna be the first one to meet the person that you like.” I stare at Yuri’s lovely smile which is full of warmth. There’s a tightness in my chest. Why can’t I just like Yuri? She’s so good to me.

As for the person I actually like? Well…

Phun’s face is the first thing that popped into my head, despite not knowing what kind of feelings I have for him exactly.

I’m unsure whether this feeling is love. But I know that I care about him a whole lot. As long as he is beside me, there is nothing else in the world that I possibly want.

“Noh…” Yuri calls me my name after she finishes turning off the faucet. We’re still standing where the washing area is.

“What is it? Aren’t you going to head inside? It’s getting pretty chilly.”

“Will you kiss me?”

“……………………………..” Her twinkling black eyes are staring at me, as if they’re pleading me for something. But…

“It won’t make anything better, Yu. It’d be the for worse, trust me on this.” Yuri forces out a small laughter after hearing my answer.

“I figured as much. How about a hug? Just a little one?” I smile gently at her choice to negotiate before I reach over to loosely embrace her. “It’s probably best for you to go and find a good guy to fall in love with.”

“You’re the best guy there is though.” She says in a muffled voice as she holds me a bit tighter.

At times, I do hate myself for not being able to fall in love with Yuri.

***

The day is finally ending and I feel completely exhausted. Aim was able to walk again so we decided to drive into the city to visit a restaurant and gorged ourselves during dinner. By the time we got back to the resort, I barely had enough energy to take a shower before throwing myself onto the bed, feeling dead tired.

“I’m soooooo exhausted.” I honestly don’t know what else to say.

Phun is putting some things away. He turns around with a chuckle. “I didn’t know you were driving.”

“Whatever! Fine, you’re more exhausted. Okay?” He didn’t even need to point that out. I mean, I get tired from just breathing. I replied back to him sarcastically as I adjust myself on the bed before looking elsewhere. I can hear his footsteps approaching me.

“Gonna sleep already?”

“Yeah.”

“Then I’ll turn out the lights.” He doesn’t wait for a reply before he turns the lights in our room off. The only reasons I am able to tell that Phun is on the bed next to me are the moonlights and the mattress sinking down.

“Don’t forget to pray before sleeping.” I remind him, although I didn’t turn around to see if he’d do it or not. I can see his shadows sitting down and pray on his pillow just as I told him.

He pays his respects three times before he lays down next to me. I catch a glimpse of him through the moonlight with his arm over his forehead. “What’s the matter? Something wrong?” Anyone who has something troubling them always does this pose.

“I don’t know…” He answers me with his arm still over his forehead. Silence falls between us in darkness.

“……………………………”

“Something’s been bugging me today…” Phun begins to say something after he stayed quiet long enough for me to start falling asleep. I flinch right away and blink rapidly to chase away my drowsiness.

“What? The fact that your junk stinks like hell?” As expected, a hand landed right in the middle of my head.

“Wanna sniff it and find out for yourself, you bastard? I’m talking about…how I saw you and Yuri…hugging…today.” Phun takes his time to spit out each word about something that actually happened earlier today. He’s pretty observant, isn’t he? So, how should I reply to him?

“Jealous?” I decide to tease him, and yet, I’m the one feeling a weird pain on the inside. You know that feeling of when you’re trying to make light of a really depressing situation? It’s that kind of pain.

Phun sighs loud enough for me to hear. “Pathetic, isn’t it…?” He goes silent for a moment before he continues. “I don’t even have the right to feel that way.”

I can only stay quiet when I hear those words. I really don’t want to admit that I felt sick to my stomach when I saw him carrying Aim around like that too.

The two of us listen to the faint sounds of waves crashing into the shore. It’s like how I feel on the inside right now. It’s as if there’s a fist that keeps smashing against my heart over and over…

“Do you love Aim…?” Suddenly, I ask him the question. I have no clue why I choose to do that. I glance at Phun, who has a troubled expression on his face.

“I don’t even know what love is like. I care about her. And I…I’m willing to look after her.”

“Then that’s probably love.” Phun’s answer is crystal clear. My brain is now completely blank. I close my eyes even though I’m already in a dark room.

“Noh…”

“………………….” Phun knows very well that I’m still listening even though I’m not answering him. He continues to speak in his deep voice.

“Those things I said about Aim…I feel just the same for you, you know.”

Why did he have say that?

“Why did you have say that?” I ask him the question, my own emotions are choking me. There are so many things begging to be said deep inside me. But I can’t say them. I can’t allow those things to slip from my lips. Not when I kept telling myself not to ever say anything that would put Phun in a difficult situation.

The two of us are quiet and very still. Then, Phun decides to grab me and holds me close. I accept his embrace by wrapping my arms around him. Because this is the only thing we have left now. This is the only reminder we have that we’re still here for each other. And no matter what kind of a relationship we end up having, I feel so at ease every time that we hold one another like this.

“Noh…I’m sorry.” He holds me tightly as he kisses my temple. “I wish I could control myself better than this, but I…”

The sound of his voice disappears, it has been replaced by the trembling of his arms. He’s shaking so much that I must break free so I can raise my head to look at his face. I can see his usual sharp features thanks to the moonlight.

We look into each other eyes as if we’re trying to use them in order to express how we truly feel. “…I can’t do it either.”

I tell him before I allow my own lips to gently take over.

Personally, I don’t think we need any kind of labels for the two of us.

I just want him to stay by my side as long as possible.

This is all I ever wanted.

(a/n : want more? live more. :)