CHAPTER 42 : WHEREVER YOU ARE

A few days after the Live Contest took place, Phun and I made plans to meet up with Golf. It’s 11:30 pm on a Saturday and the two of us are sipping coffee while waiting for Golf inside a McDonald’s at Ratchaprasong.

The main streets outside are bustling even though it’s quite late now. There are still plenty of people walking past one another with no sign of stopping. Yet, the person sitting opposite of me is so quiet as if there is nobody else around and he is the only person sitting here.

I take a sip from my hot cup of coffee while I’m still trying to figure out his expression that is way too difficult to read. Ever since we came in here, I haven’t seen him smile even once. I tried joking around with him and even tried telling lame puns. I also tried telling him about how some of my friends embarrassed themselves. Nevertheless, all I got from him were forced smile and colorless laughter. It felt like he was only doing those things for the sake of getting them done and over with.

I suppose he wants to be left alone with his own thoughts at a time like this.

Seeing that, I decide to keep him company in silence instead and allow the soft melodies from the speakers to sing along to his trance. It is nearly midnight and Golf finally arrives.

“Sorry I’m late! We took too long planning everything. Hey, Phun.” Golf’s voice can be heard before he can be seen. I give him a small wave as I am still drinking my coffee. The newcomer sits next to me and checks his own watch.

“Shall we get going? The meeting’s in Ari. We can take the skytrain. We can probably catch the last one, actually.” He says as he gets up from his seat and invites us to stand up with him. I raise my hand and ask for a quick second to finish the last bits of the coffee before I quickly catch up with them.

“Ari? There’s a bar there?” I ask because I had no idea they were any bars around there. (I don’t go clubbing after all, hehe.) But then Golf shakes his head. “No, it’s a condo…” He answers before he turns to look at Phun.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

I sense some hesitations coming from his eyes, but then he slowly breaks into a confident smile. It’s the same smile I saw the other day. “Yeah…if it’s not too troublesome for you to do this.”

***

The last skytrain brings us to Ari Station. Golf looks at the watch which tells him that it’s a little over midnight, then he turns and speaks to us. “We should probably wait until 1 in the morning before we head up.”

Phun and I decide to wait in a beer garden nearby while Golf excuses himself to make a phone call somewhere far away. Phun is still completely silent.

“Want some beer?” Since we’re already here, we might as well have some. Phun forces out a small smile without giving me any verbal replies.

“A pitcher, please.” I assume that he agrees (heh) so I begin with something light since I’m not interested in getting drunk tonight. I place the order to the bargirl who isn’t that pretty (how did she get this job?) but she has a huge set of boobs (that’s probably why) and she walks away to follow up with the order.

I glance away from the backside of the woman in blue before I turn back to see that Phun is still contemplating over something. I can’t help but grow concerned. His lips purse again and again as his current state of mind is taxing and very stressful. I begin to feel dispirited along with him. If Phun is hurting then I’m hurting even more.

“Phun…” I call out his name so that he’d look at me before I reach over and gently hold his cold hand.

“Don’t worry…I’m right here.”

This is the first time that I get to see his real smile today, a smile that began from those sharp eyes. He reaches over using his other hand and grabs mine tightly.

“Thanks.”

We sip our beer until it is past 1 am. Golf returns and tells us that it is time. Phun seems to be as alarmed as I am.

“You got this far…don’t back down now, man.” Golf tells the person whose blood has been drained from his face. Phun flinches in the midst of his reluctant steps, then he turns back to look at Golf who is patting his back a couple of times.

“There are plenty of great girls out there.” Golf says and he leads the two of us into a side street not far from where we were. This is a huge condominium building with tight security, which is why the guard has been staring at us ever since we walked through the main entrance.

“May I help you?”

“Did Aek call down and mention that his friends will be coming over?” Golf asks the security guard without a hint of fear. I’m a little worried since I have no idea who Aek is.

“Ah, khun Aek’s friends. Please come in.” That worked. The security guard switches from looking stern to being gentle and respectful. He rushes over to the elevator and pushes the button for us.

Golf presses the number 17 on the panel once we all get inside the elevator. There is only silence.

“We better hurry before Aek changes his mind. Otherwise, we’re screwed.” Golf mutters as he repeatedly pushes the button for floor 17 as if it’d help us get there faster. It’s not like that would work though, don’t be so daft. I chuckle to myself while glancing at Phun who seems like he isn’t even present inside this elevator.

His sharp eyes are filled with uncertainty and hesitation. I can’t help but worry about him since I’ve never seen him like this before.

I decide to pull his icy hand and hold it gently. The owner of the hand flinches a little before he turns to look at me. The only thing he will see is my smile.

I beam at him brightly. I want reassure him that he has my full support. Phun reacts by giving me a smile. The elevator door opens and the three of us make our exit.

The sounds of three pairs of feet echo inside the hallway before they stop once they arrive at the door which Golf claims belonging to a friend of his. We all pause for a moment.

Golf looks at Phun, feeling uneasy. “You can’t retreat now. You’re absolutely sure you’re ready, right?” It probably has something to do with how serious Golf looks because now Phun ends up being the one seemingly lacking confidence.

I pat Phun’s back a few times. I fear that the situation might be too much for him and it’s putting him under an immense amount of pressure. “We can do this some other day if you’re still not ready.” However, Phun simply pats my hand.

“It should end tonight. I’m ready, Golf.”

Golf nods slowly before he lets out a big exhale. He searches for his cellphone and soon enough, we hear the other party answering the call.

“I’m right at the door. You better stop now, dude.” Golf speaks into his phone rather abrasively. I don’t know if I’m imagining things but I hear some ruckus coming from behind the door. After a few moments, a guy around our age opens the door and leaves the room.

“About time, bro! I was so close to giving in!” This must be Aek? Aek nags at Golf while wearing only a towel around his waist. “You better head to the bedroom right now. I really need to use the bathroom, I can’t take this anymore.” The person named Aek tells Phun before he runs off to the bathroom and shuts the door behind him, leaving the three of us standing here feeling perplexed.

And yet, Golf is snickering. “Well, at least he decided to wait. I thought he was gonna ditch the plan. Right, the two of us aren’t going in there so play nice.” Golf’s hand stretches out from his long sleeve jacket and pats Phun’s shoulder to show moral support. Meanwhile, I’m standing still and stare at him.

I have an idea what lies beyond that bedroom door waiting for Phun. I have an idea what he must be feeling like right now. What I have no idea about, however, is whether or not Phun will have enough strength to deal with this.

Phun forces out another smile at me for the last time. His eyes are vacant.

“Be back soon. See you in a bit.”

The door closes after those words have been uttered. I am no longer privy to what will take place inside that room. Hearing Aim’s faint surprise scream makes my knees weak.

Right…not too long now.

…this will be over soon.

***

Golf and I return downstairs to the lobby. We sit and wait on the sofas available to us. Neither one of us wants to start a conversation. It seems he is just as worried about Phun. Being his friend means he will lead everyone else to cheer you up when you are feeling stressed. He will always want to lighten the mood. He messes with me a lot whenever I feel tensed about something. Nevertheless, things are not like that tonight. Golf lets out loud sighs several times while we sit on separate sofas, just waiting.

Time is passing by ever so slowly. One second feels like one hour. One minute feels like one whole day. Golf cannot sit still. He keeps shifting around in his seat and checks the elevator. In the end, he tells me that he’s going to a nearby 7-Eleven and asks if I want anything.

I shake my head, mostly because I’m not in the mood to be thinking about eating anything right now. I know very well that Golf is probably not hungry either. He simply wants to go out to kill some time. I would do the same but I feel too weak to do such a thing. I tell Golf that I’ll be waiting for Phun here. In case he comes back downstairs, then he would see that I’m still here.

Some time passed and I’m too discouraged to check my watch to calculate how long it has been since we came down stairs and how long we have been waiting. Golf has returned with a white plastic bag filled with two coffee cans and some chips that we like to eat.

“It’s…it’s probably taking them a long while since they need to talk things out, I guess.” Golf says while offering me a can of coffee. I don’t feel like drinking it but I take a sip anyway since I have nothing better to do. There’s a slight scent of cigarette coming from this friend of mine so I know that he took the opportunity to smoke. I look at the plastic bag and notice that there are chocolates, gums and some more bags of chips. The person who bought all those told me that they’d help with the stress.

..

..

Golf and I finished our coffee and the rest of the snacks a long while ago. We switched to flipping through a huge stack of magazines available in the lobby. Golf even started chatting with the security guard. But no matter how we chose to kill time, it didn’t feel like Phun Phumipat will appear inside that elevator any time soon. Finally, I decide to check my watch. To my surprise, it is past 2 in the morning now. I can’t help but wonder if this is taking way too long.

“Golf, it’s already 2. He’s still not back yet.” I turn to tell Golf impatiently. He seems to be just as anxious as I am.

“Should we go up and check on him?” I ask once more but Golf lets out a heavy sigh. “Let’s not. They’ve been together for ages. It’s not like he can just walk up to her then break things off and leave, right?” What Golf says is reasonable but…

He probably realizes that I’m stressing out real bad so he squeezes my shoulder with some force. “Have some faith in him, man. He’s a smart guy.”

“Yeah…”

Ding.

The elevator rings from behind us. Both Golf and I immediately turn around. My heart is pounding inside my chest as I watch Phun’s tall figure slowly stepping out of the elevator. We propel ourselves to where Phun is as if there are rockets attached to us.

“Somebody took their sweet time.” Golf teases him like someone who’s feeling relaxed but I know that he’s too afraid to ask how it went. I don’t have the nerves to ask him either. Phun’s eyes are red as if he had been crying for hours. Seeing that, I can’t build up my courage to ask him.

Those pair of light orange lips are trying to break into a smile with much difficulty. Phun seems to have an even harder time faking a smile now compared to before he went inside that room.

“Right…sorry about that.”

“Are you hungry, Phun?” I ask him while we leave the building. I’m hoping that the idea of delicious food might help this friend of mine feel better, if only for a little. But…

“Nah…I should head home.” It seems that inviting Phun somewhere or starting a conversation with him are not such good ideas right now.

Golf and I look at each other’s gloomy face.

“I’m gonna head out then. Take care, buddy.” Golf pats Phun’s back a couple of times before he leaves to catch a cab on his own. Phun turns and raises his hand to reply. “Thanks…buddy.”

Golf stares at Phun’s sharp features, sending his moral supports through his eyes. He inhales and squeezes Phun’s broad shoulder as if he wants to pass all the energy he has left to him before he gets inside the taxi.

Phun watches the taxi drives away at first then he turns to give me a forced smile after Golf’s cab left our sight. It’s time for us to find a cab of our own. I hail down a blue taxi before I open the door and allow Phun to go in first. “To Thong Lo, p’. I’m gonna drop you off first, okay?” Phun nods quietly, his eyes are still fixed on the road. It’s 3 in the morning and Phahonyothin Road is dead quiet just like Phun, whose eyes aren’t taking anything in despite how he’s looking at the things passing by.

Only the sounds of the engine and the radio that the taxi driver has on fill the car. I keep glancing at Phun every once in a while. Each time, Phun is lost in his own thoughts and I don’t have a clue with they are.

The only thing I can do is reach over and squeeze his hand gently. But then, I can feel that he’s returning the squeeze.

The blue taxi parks smoothly in front of the Phumipat Mansion gate. It’s all dark since it’s already 3 am. There’s only a lamp at the gate still shining by the small door that I’m used to walking through.

“You got the keys, right?” I ask him and Phun nods at me slowly.

“Okay, then I’ll see y–.” But before I can finish my sentence, Phun’s study arms quickly wrap around me and pull my entire body in. I snap out of my drowsiness from being startled by this because he’s hugging me so tightly as if I am his last resort.

Phun hugs me for a long while. I softly rub his back to console him while I glance over at the driver since I feel like we’re being inconsiderate. However, he smiles at us through the mirror. We’re lucky to have found a kind person. It seems he doesn’t mind so I don’t think I should rush Phun either.

“You alright? Wanna sleep over at my house?” I decide to ask him after he has been still for a long time now. I realize what’s happening when I hear his sniffles and I feel that my shoulder is moist.

“Noh…” Phun calls out my name. I pat his back lightly to let him know that I’m listening.

“I broke up with Aim…” Those words startle me. Despite knowing that Aim isn’t a good person and that things would inevitably end this way, I still weightless on the inside because Phun had tried so hard to keep his relationship afloat for years.

The night Phun told me how much he loved her…I can recall it very well.

The night Phun told me how much he wanted to make her happy…those words still linger inside my head.

I never thought that we would have tonight back then. The night when he learns everything is all a lie. The night when this my friend of mine’s good intentions for that woman turned into a passing breeze.

“Hey. It’s okay, man. You’re rich and good looking. You can start over with someone else that’s even better!” I force myself to make a joke to console him despite my head being completely empty. I can only hope that Phun might cheer up a little. Instead, he holds me so tightly that I can barely breathe.

“I…can’t start over with anyone else…” Phun says those words.

I furrow my brows at those words before he continues to speak.

“It’s too soon for me…to have someone replacing Aim. I can’t do that just yet…” His deep voice is trembling and is barely audible, yet I heard every word. I know exactly what he means.

“Hey…it’s okay. That’s only normal. I get it.”

“I’m sorry, Noh…” Phun clutches my sleeves even tighter now. I gently pat his head.

“Yeah, I understand.” Because if Phun is talking about him and me..I never even thought about that. I never had any hope either. Just being friends with him, just to see his smiles, just knowing that my friend is happy, those things are enough for me. It sounds like I’m pretending to be some sort of a hero, doesn’t it? But in reality, I’m just a regular guy. A regular that only wants to see the person he loves being happy. That is all.

“Wait for me, Noh…”

Phun leaves me with those words before he smiles and exits the cab. I wait until his broad back is out of sight before I tell the driver (who can’t stop smiling) to take me home.

I believe that Phun will be able to make it through this.

I believe that these two arms of mine will help him get there.

I’m not waiting for Phun, but rather, I will always be beside him.