CHAPTER 49: TWO LITTLE WORDS

I spent the rest of the day obsessing over what kind of a punishment I deserve and what I’d need to do in order to earn Phun’s forgiveness. I admit that it was terrible of me to have hurt him like that. I thought about what happened on Saturday, when I told Om–right in front of Phun–that we were just friends. And that was after Phun had built up his courage to ask me to be his…boyfriend. Yes, that. (I’m still not used to that word. It’s so ticklish.) Phun even got over that and was being nice to me but then I hurt his feelings again in the afternoon when I acted like I didn’t want to be with him in front of nong Knott.

Honestly, how long will I keep being selfish like this?! Phun isn’t ashamed of dating me. I saw his friends teasing him about this but he simply smiled back at them. He didn’t seem the least bit bothered by this. unlike me. So I’m the one who’s not willing to accept him in my life, is that it? That’s the complete opposite of how I actually feel though! Ugh, what do I do now?!

I’m lying down with a frown on my face while exhaling loudly over and over in the clubroom after school. There are some underclassmen hanging around since they have marching band practice. They’re preparing for the contest that will take place next week. But all these commotions are ruining my concentration!

I guess I was a little too obvious that I’m in a bad mood with all tsk noises I’ve been making because Film walks over and smacks me in the head. “If you want quiet, then why the hell are you in this room, ##########?!” We’re trying to practice, quit making those noises! You’re being real distracting.” Oh…I’m in the wrong again. He’s right about this. I quickly apologize to everyone in the room (since I was verbally displaying my annoyance and interrupted their practice). The underclassmen are a little taken aback but they accept my apology before they go back to focusing on their practice. Meanwhile, I still haven’t found a solution to my problem.

“What the ########## is wrong with you anyway? Are you on your period? That’s a good thing, ’cause it means you’re not knocked up.” ########## Film and his shitty mouth! Don’t I at least have one friend that won’t run their mouth off? I’ll make that person my friend for life.

I smack his head in return. “Like hell! I’m pretty good using the counting method. Seven days before and seven days after. Heh heh heh.” I play along with the joke and he lets out a roar of laughter. He turns to scold a drummer for missing the beats before he turns back to continue chatting with me.”

“Why the long face, man? Look at your buddy over there. He couldn’t be happier. I have never seen him being so stupidly cheerful like this before in my life.” Film tells me and motions his hand to where Om is. Om is sitting in the middle with all the wind instrument players around him. Heh heh heh. I smile, since it is true that I’ve never seen him this happy before either.

The thing is, Om may be a weirdo of a friend to me but the underclassmen all agree that he is quite strict. Pretty much his classmates and seniors can joke around with him with no harm done. But when it comes to the underclassmen, he’s completely focused on the tasks at hand and no one would dare mess around with him (especially the junior high kids). They’re scared shitless just seeing Om’s face. When he doesn’t joke around with friends, he has that grimace look to him. Kind of like everybody else, really. Sometimes, Om is better with handling these kids and keeping them in line than me.

I look at Om as he smiles to himself. He’s watching nong Mick play the french horn and teaching him what to do. It’s really surprising to me. You have it bad for that kid, don’t you? (In the beginning, I watched as Om scolded nong Mick quite harshly that the kid almost broke into tears.) He looks so ########## happy and I feel like searching for something to throw at his head out of envy. Whenever Om gets close, nong Mick’s face gets all red. He makes me wanna…hmm…separate the two out of bitterness. Ugh!

Film grins widely at what’s happening in front of him. “At first, I was gonna cuss him out but now I think they’re pretty cute together. I’ll just give nong Mick up to him. ########## that Om for stealing him away right from under my nose though.” He says with his eyes still fixed on those two. I nod with a smile. “Yeah, he doesn’t get to be like this often. Just let the guy have this.” Everybody knows that Film is overprotective of nong Mick. If you mess with him, then Film will kick your ##########. But I guess that job belongs to Om now.

“Did he tell you what’s really going on between him and nong Mick?” Film asks me. I pause for a moment and shake my head.

“Nah. His lips are sealed like they’ve been sewn shut. That ##########.”

“You’re the one to talk. You two are the same. Though, at least Om makes it up by showing it even when he doesn’t say anything.” Eh…what is that supposed to mean? I turn to look at Film’s face. He’s smirking while raising his brows at me.

“Then there are those that won’t say it. Insisting on being reserved. Being overly careful to the point of hurting someone else’s feelings, you see. Those people should get their ########## kicked. I feel bad for the unlucky ones that happen fall in love with people like that.” At this point, my face feels hot. I feel like I’m being insulted without being directly criticized. Film chuckles at my reaction before he playfully nudge my head. “It’s not like your friends will cuss you out for choosing to be with someone you like. So you better be careful, because if you keep being so passive and don’t say anything then you’re gonna regret it in the end. And it’s gonna hurt.” He leaves me with those words before he gets up and claps at the underclassman so loudly that it fills the entire clubroom. “Enough, enough! We can head to the field now! The sun isn’t as strong anymore!”

I smile and thank him silently as he leads the guys outside. They’re competing in Europe soon so extra practices are needed. I have things I am responsible for too, but most of the work falls on Film.

I lean back down on the sofa and let out a huge sigh after my all my friends and the club members have left the room. I wonder how Phun felt when I did those things. I close my eyes and flash back to when he rescued me from the Masser. He was so worried when I got bitten by an insect too. Sigh. He did all that despite how horrible I’ve hurt him.

########## it…I’m so over it. I’ve had it and I’m sick of the way I’m acting. I search for the earbuds inside my shirt pocket and connect them to my iPhone. I need some music before I get any more depressed and withered to death. P’May-T’s guitar begins to play the first chords to “Vetan” by Modern Dog from their compilation live tour album, The Very Common of Moderndog, and the notes fill my ears.

I move my body and follow along to the rhythms while humming softly. I’m even playing the air guitar (self-entertainment is a thing). Three songs later, someone pulls out my earbuds just as p’Pod is yelling “Make that garlandddddd!” in my ears.

“Hey! I’ve been calling your name! Didn’t you hear me?!” Eh? P’Pod has turned into Phun. I blink and stare at his face, feeling confused. Then, I turn the music off and get up to speak to him properly. “When’d you get here?”

“Ages ago. I was calling you forever. So where are the absent request forms?” He grumbles and walks over to the table where we keep the club’s document. I’m still confused though. “What forms?”

At this point, Phun raises his brows. “Eh? I ran into Film in the field. He said to come get the absent request forms from you. He said that you guys are asking for a week off for a marching band competition?” Oh, that. That is true but…when did we finish writing those forms anyway? I didn’t even tell Ngoi to do this yet. (I’ve been procrastinating.)

So now I’m stumbling over my words. “Oh, um…we…haven’t typed that up yet. Sorry. I’ll bring them to you once we’re done.” Heh heh. I give him an awkward smile and Phun exhales loud enough for me to hear. “Right. So bring them to me and I’ll take care of them…” He turns to look at me. “There’s nothing else, right?” It seems Phun intends to leave now.

I hesitate for a moment, but when I saw his back beginning to move away, I reach over to grab collar in an instant. “Hey! Hold up!” This causes Phun to take a step backward. “Yo, don’t pull me like that! You scared me! Cough cough.” He turns back to scold me while adjusting his shirt collar. Apparently I used too much force just now. Oh, sorry.

“Sorry…so do you need to be somewhere?”

Phun lets out a small sigh, “No…”

I decide to use this opportunity. “Why don’t you stay…? The a/c is nice here…” I don’t know if this’ll win him over.

“Nah…the a/c in the student council office is nice too.”

“We…got snacks.” I point to a pile of bread that Per had bought earlier today. Phun glances at them and shrugs.

“I’m not hungry.”

“We could listen to music…” I keep pestering him and he lets out a long sigh.

“I’m not really in the mood for music. Noh, you don’t need to do this. If someone were to see us then they might misunderstand.” Sigh…I knew it’d be like this.

Seeing that he’s still upset, I grab his arm playfully with a smile on my face. Phun shakes his arm to get away, but he’s clearly not trying to do so since I’m still able to hold on his arm. “Misunderstand whaaaaat?” I pretend to ask. His expression is rather stern now.

“That you and I are a couple.”

“Eh? And we’re not…?” I continue with my tease. I notice that he let out a small smile before he goes back to putting on a serious face. Aha, you’re not that tough, are you?

“Someone doesn’t want to me. I assume dating me is something of an embarrassment.” He takes the chance to make a comment, but he doesn’t sound as cold anymore so I continue onward.

“But you’re so hot and handsome, who in their right mind would ever be embarrassed to be seen with ya?”

“Exactly.” Jeez, this jerk. Ever heard of such a thing called modesty?

We both burst into laughter. I’m glad that he isn’t as upset with me any longer. “Hey…I’m sorry. I’m not ashamed or anything. I’m just not used to this. Do you get me?” I decide to just ask him this. Phun shakes his head and sigh as though he’s a man that has given up on everything.

“I do, but I also don’t.” What the ########## is that?!

Phun looks at me before he continues to speak. “I’m not used to being like this either. But I…love you… And I wanna shout and let the entire world know that I get to be your boyfriend. But when I see you acting like you’re embarrassed about being my boyfriend… I just–am I pressuring you into doing this? Why are you acting this way? If I am forcing you to do this then you can just turn me down. I really don’t want to put you in a tough spot like this.” He proceeds to tell me all he had bottled up inside. I flinch at his last sentence.

“That’s not what I think at all! It’s not. I’m just not used to this. You’re not putting me in a tough spot. I…I…I’m just afraid of being teased by my friends.” I tell him shyly. It is embarrassing, isn’t it? Why do I think this way? Phun has been clear with how he feels about me without any kind of fear this entire time. So how come I’m behaving like this?

Phun breaks into a smile before he pulls me in for a hug. “Yeah…With your friends and the way they run their mouth off, I’d probably be tensed too. Heh heh.” Are you talking ########## about my friends now, ##########? So he understands me now though, right?

I wrap my arms lightly around him in return, overflowed with joy. “I’ll try harder from now on…” I may sound a little unwilling, but I honestly will try harder than what I have done in the past. After all, he understands what I’m going through now. Phun chuckles deeply to himself.

“There’s no need to force yourself though, it’s okay. I’m already happy like this…” Phun tells me as he lifts my face up so I’d look him in the eyes. With his sharp features, he gives me the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen. “It can stay between just the two of us.”

I smile back at him. The thought that’s going through my head is…that I’d like to shout and let the whole world know that this guy right here is my boyfriend too. Phun truly is the best.

“Wait a sec, okay? There’s something I want you to hear. Heh heh.” That song suddenly pops into my head. I’ve practiced this song with Om before when the album was first released. Phun looks confused but he lets me go without any protests. I head over to the piano and sit down.

It’s been months since I’ve played this piano, and I wonder how long it has been. I think to myself while I play the same notes over and over. Then, my fingers begin tickling the ivories. I remember to look at the confused guy, who is standing in the middle of the clubroom, with a smile.

All it takes is hearing the intro and Phun breaks into a wide grin. I figured that as much, heh heh heh. Play this to a girl and she’d melt too. A guy like him probably thinks the same way, heh heh heh.

“Do you ever get that feeling when you want to say something?

Do you ever get that feeling when your words don’t reflect how you feel?

Despite all my efforts and no matter how much I’ve prepared myself

It’s like I’m trying to brace myself for reality

And even though I’m trying my hardest to say everything

Just as I intend to

But like always

No matter how much I reveal

Once I need to say those words, my voice disappears

Please read my lips, I–

I want to say it again that I–

And I always will, no matter how much time passes

There’s no need to fear that I’ll love someone else

There’s no need to fret that I’ll have a change of heart

I will always be like this, I’ll–forever

I know that it can be aggravating at times

And I’m trying to say every single thing

That is in my heart

But like always

No matter how much I reveal

Once I need to say those words, my voice disappears

Please read my lips, I–

I want to say it again that I–

And I always will, no matter how much time passes

There’s no need to fear that I’ll love someone else

There’s no need to fret that I’ll have a change of heart

I will always be like this, I’ll–forever”

Just as I am about to play the the next lines, Phun sits next to me by the piano.

I look at his handsome face, feeling puzzled, but I continue to sing. “But like always…no matter how much I reveal…once I need to say those words, my voice disappears…”

Phun places his fingers on the keys to help me play. He looks at me with a smile, “May I join you?” He tells me and I laugh, then we continue with the song.

“Please read my lips, I–

I want to say it again that I–

And I always will, no matter how much time passes

There’s no need to fear that I’ll love someone else

There’s no need to fret that I’ll have a change of heart

I will always be like this, I’ll–forever

I’ll forever repeat these words, that I…”

I go silent when Phun beats me to the punch and finishes singing the last line of the song next to my ear. We laugh among ourselves once the last melody is played. Heh heh, I’m so embarrassed. I don’t know what else to do so I reach over his shoulders and pull him closer to me. “Same here…” I’d feel weird if I say those words, I’m not as unabashed as he is. Heh heh.

Phun laughs as he leans in and headbutts me gently. It gives me a chance to keep talking. “But…I can’t promise it’ll be forever. Heh heh. You can have today though, just for now.” I press the tip of my nose on his cheek. I can smell his wonderful cologne. Phun turns and kisses me. Hmph, that’s cheating. But I’m letting it go without making a fuss.

We kiss for a long while as though neither of us is willing to be the first to break away. Phun bites my lips using his own several times until I finally pull back from him. I smile at his sharp face and decide to say something.

“Phun…”

“What is it?”

“Tomorrow, I’m gonna…”

I take in a deep breath and I stare into Phun’s eyes which are full curiosities.

“I’m gonna break up with Yuri.”