CHAPTER 52: Helpless

“I’m so sorryyyyyyyyy!” Om has been apologizing and begging for forgiveness for the past 10 minutes.

Yes, it has been 10 minutes since Yuri was here and got the answers to all of her questions. It has been 10 minutes since she ran off without asking another question.

“Hey, it’s okay. This wasn’t your fault at all.” I grab Om’s hands that are still up in the air as he refuses to put them down. I don’t want Om to stress over this. He’s not responsible for what happened just because he was the one that brought Yuri over to the clubroom where she witnessed the unexpected event. That’s what unexpected in unexpected event means, so there’s no way I’m going to let Om blames himself for this.

“Fucking hell, man. I really shouldn’t have brought her here. I’m really sorry…I…”

“Stop it, this isn’t your fault. We were the ones being careless, Om. We were…reckless.” I force out each word with much difficulty. It’s not easy to admit that all this happened because we were getting all caught up in the moment. No, it wasn’t Yuri’s fault. She wanted to drop off the stickers from yesterday. She was trying to be a good friend. It wasn’t Om’s fault. He brought Yuri here so that she didn’t have to get through the crowd of boys on her own. He wanted her to stay safe. This was my fault. I was so engrossed and fixated on getting what I wanted. I wasn’t thinking about the consequences of my actions. Not even for a moment.

I lightly squeeze Om’s hands. It seems he still cannot accept this but he gives in anyway. He stares at me as though he wants to apologize for a hundred times more. I don’t think he needs to do something like that at all.

“Ugh…! I was so…aahhhh!” In the end, he proceeds to yell and hits his own chest and head before storming off. He remembers to close the door for us (with a slam). Sigh. Om is always like this. Sure, it seems like he doesn’t take things too seriously but he takes responsibilities for all of his actions (when he isn’t trying to be obnoxious). But this time around, I truly don’t see how Om is responsible for this.

The ruckus inside the clubroom from a few minutes ago fades away. There’s only the sound of my exhales filling the room. My head hurts. I’m at a loss on how to deal with this big mess that just occurred. I throw myself down on to the long sofa and join someone else who has been sitting on it.

That’s right. Phun is still here. He looks very much concerned and I can feel it. I glance at his sharp face full of worries. His sweaty hands are in a tight fist.

“Phun…are you alright?” Even though I barely have any strength left, I can’t help but ask the guy next to me because I’m worried about him. I know very well that he doesn’t feel that differently from Om.

“I’m…sorry.” Just as I thought. I look at him when he weakly answers me. His eyes are obviously cloudy. What else am I supposed to do other than giving him an encouraging smile?

I use all the energy I have left to smile for him. “What are you sorry for? Don’t worry about it! I mean, if we’re looking for who’s to blame, then both of us are at fault.” I pat his back gently. I only believe half of what I’m saying. Truthfully, I don’t blame Phun at all.

Yet, his somber expression persists. “But I was the one who…started it…”

Well…if that’s the case. My lips curl into a grin as the guy who seems to be carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders look into my eyes. Slowly, I move closer so that I can touch those orange lips with my own. Phun is slightly alarmed at first, but then he allows me to take the lead. I smirk at how obedient he is before I get my fill how he tastes. His lips are sweet and I kiss him until I’m satisfied.

“Now, are we both at fault yet?” I finally pull away and ask the person before me. He laughs softly instead of giving me the answer that I’m looking for. “So…are you sure about not going after her?” This is his next question.

Ah…I suddenly feel heavy once I hear that question. I admit, I’m hesitating because I don’t know the answer. Even though my legs wanted to run after her 10 minutes ago, my brain was asking me why I should run after her.

Not when I couldn’t do anything to make her feel better, be it owning up to what happened or denying it. There was no way I could keep this from her when she had seen everything. She saw the truth with her own eyes. Even so, I wasn’t brave enough to go up to her and confess everything. The more I say, the more pain I’d inflict upon her.

What else is there for me to do…?

Everything feels heavy to the point where I need to take a second and close my eyes out of exhaustion.

“Noh…” A familiar deep voice snaps me out of my trance. A warm hand is there to remind me that I’m not alone. I still have someone by my side. I open my eyes to see Phun smiling. It’s a smile that I can never look away. A smile which I hope will never disappear.

“Thanks.” I utter a simple word to the person before me. There’s a feeling that I cannot explain. I don’t know how everything will play out in the end, but I’m at ease every time I open my eyes and see Phun next to me.

I feel that I’ll always be safe when he’s around.

***

Ever since that day, it seems like my relationship with Yuri is over. She has not called and pleaded with me to go see a movie, to have dinner or to shop with her again. Whenever I decide to bite the bullet and call her, I am only greeted with ringback tones.

About a week after the incident, I run into her on the skytrain as I am making my way home. I admit that I’m a little hesitant to face her after the awful thing I’ve done. There’s nothing else I can do other than giving her a friendly smile like I’ve always had done despite knowing that she doesn’t want to see me and not wanting to have anything to do with someone like me anymore.

I’ll always remember the aftermath. Her expression is cold as though I’m a stranger. She looks through me like I don’t exist. I can’t blame her for this. If a jerk like me had never entered her life then everything would’ve been so much better for her.

The more I get the chance to contemplate on what happened, the more I realize how much I actually hurt Yuri. It was all because of me. I broke up with her 24 hours previously, then she witnessed the reason I broke things off with her own eyes. It was all because of me. I chose to be with Phun, the guy that used to date her best friend. What Yuri saw was the last thing on earth she wanted to see.

I’m not angry with Yuri and I don’t think I’d ever be because I have no right to be when I was the one that hurt her. Therefore, I have no right to decide on how she should react to this. So if Yuri makes up her mind that she doesn’t want to be friends with someone like me, then who am I protest against that?

I’m willing to accept her decision and I won’t challenge it.

I deserve it.

Sigh. They say that you lose 7 seconds of your life every time you sigh (is that really true?) and if that’s true then I probably only have a few more minutes to live.

Bang!

Who the heck hit my head?! What is this?! Jeez, I’m thinking here! I flip over to see the suspect standing over my head and I flinch. I’ve been lying down on the clubroom floor and now Om’s foot is only a few inches from my face.

“Ugh, bastard! Get the hell away from me!” As if anyone would take that lying down! What an asshole! I shove Om’s foot away before I sit back up and scratch my head in frustrations.

Yet, Om has the nerve to laugh at me. “You were in your own little world. I called and you wouldn’t answer so I thought something with a wonderful scent might wake you up. How was it? Wasn’t it refreshing?” Fuck you! I turn and flip my middle finger at him and his so-called wonderfully scented feet.

Sigh. Today is the day that the two of us (Om and me) are keeping tabs on things in the clubroom from morning, noon and until evening since no one else is around. Film, the marching band members, and some of the seniors are competing out of the country. They won’t be back for several days. Basically, they all left Om and I to suffer in a country that is (so freaking) hot. This really sucks.

I watch as Om, who had just finished being annoying, walks over to the board and pulls off a piece of paper. He hands it to me. What the heck is this?

“Kinokuniya called. They said that you can go pick up the encyclopedias you ordered later today, asshole. That phone was ringing off the hook for ages, how did you not realize that?!”Oh, really? When was it ringing? But wait, if the phone was ringing for a while before Om picked it up, that must mean that Om sneaked out while I wasn’t paying attention to play soccer! Bastard. I want to cuss at him but the receipt from Kinokuniya is plastered over my face.

“Take that with you!” Why are you repeating yourself?! He’s talking as if he’s not going with me.

“Aren’t you coming?”

“I’m busy, man!” Eh? What the heck? I stare at him with a huge ‘confusion’ written on my forehead.

It seems Om can read my expression since he proceeds to explain it to me. “Aun is flying back today. My whole family is going to the airport to welcome him home. They told me to get home as quick as I can when school’s over.” Oh, for real?! Hia Aun’s coming back?! Now I’m as giddy as a little kid. Hia Aun is Om’s older brother. He’s good looking, kind and smart as a whip. He’s completely different from Om. I mean, he’s been studying abroad and everything. He has a master’s degree in Engineering from England. How are you even supposed to compare him to someone like Om? Let’s face it, even Dr. Whaen is wondering if Om’ll graduate from high school.

“Hey, do you think he bought me any souvenirs? Damn, this is pretty exciting.” I’m dreaming about getting a huge box of chocolates. Well, maybe three or four huge boxes of chocolates. I’m already salivating!

Bang!

Dang it! Why is this guy getting between a man and his food?! I glare at Om who had just hit my head with his knuckles. He follows that with a smack on the back of my head. (Watch it, jerk!)

“My brother isn’t even back yet and you’re asking for your gifts already?” You’re acting like you’ve never done the same! I mutter some unintelligible insults at him. Not only he won’t be helping me carrying those books, he’s also nagging me about my gifts from abroad too? Speaking of which, how am I supposed to carry all those books by myself?!

“Damn it, Om. You’re really not gonna come with me and help? There are 14 encyclopedias, man!” And they’re all hard covers. I furrow my brows and stare at Om. He ponders over this and then shakes his head.

“No, no. I really can’t. My family specifically told me to get home as fast as I can.”

“Aw! And you expect me to carry those things all by myself?” It’s already exhausting just thinking about the task. Each book is the size of a small child. Ugh…

I scratch my head and stare at the receipt from Kinokuniya, realizing that I’m out of options. But soon enough, Om’s sly tone of voice makes a return. “Why are you making this difficult for yourself? All it takes is a phone call to Phun and he’s gonna drop whatever he’s doing, runs to you with his tail wagging happily in the air and helps you carry those books.” Oh, yeah! How’d I forget about that?! But wait, what did Om say about Phun just now? Tail wagging…? This jerk better watch it, I’ll make him pay for that later. I need to call Phun first. I turn to give Om a thumbs-up for his (rather despicable) plan before I start searching for the student council’s phone number.

‘Don’t forget when the word love was uttered

Don’t forget how it felt

That important word is priceless

One must take great care of it

Don’t forget when the word love was uttered

When we said it to one another

As days and nights pass by

Don’t allow anything to come between us’

Heh… And this ringback tone is the reason Fi would stop and point at me, then he’d say “don’t forget” every time he sees me. -_- What’s the matter with you? -_- I still haven’t reprimand the person responsible for this yet. Soon, though…

After having to listen to p’Bee sing for a while, I begin to think that the call won’t be answered. But then, the owner of the cell phone answers the call.

“Yes, Noh? Ugh, Mac! There’s a typo right here!” Uh…this is not a good way to start our conversation, it seems. I scratch my head as I listen to Phun instructs an underclassman on how to properly draft a document.

“Hey, Noh? Sorry about that. I’m at the student council office.”Hm…did I call at a bad time?

“You should get back to work then, I’ll call you back later.”

“Oh, it’s okay! I can talk. Is there a reason you called?” Does he really have the time to talk? I frown when I hear someone who sounds like Fi yelling in the background as though he’s in the middle of a battle with somebody.

At any rate… “Are you…free this evening?” I might as well ask him since I’m already using up my minutes (or I’d sulk over having to spend money again). I hear Phun flipping some pages around a couple a times before he answers me. “Why? Do you need to run an errand or something?” Eh…this doesn’t sound so good.

“Well…I need to pick up some books at Paragon.

“Are there a lot of them?”

“There are…four…teen in total.” Is that a lot? Heh heh heh.

“Fi! I’m not sticking around after class today!” There he goes.Phun quickly yells right after he heard my reply. But…will Fi let him leave though?

“No way, you gotta be here!” See that? I knew it. However, Phun beats me to the punch just as I am about to let him know that it’d be okay if he can’t go with me (I guess I can always ask a staff at the store to help carry them to a taxi or something?) by shouting back at Fi.

“And you expect me to be so cruel as to let my boyfriend go and carry all those books all by himself?!” Yo! That mouth of his! Damn this student council secretary! I’m gonna kill him!

“Yeah!” But there’s no opportunity for me to cuss at him since Fi is shouting loudly back at Phun. Those two will be in a shouting match for a long while unless I do something about it.

“Phun! It’s okay if you’re busy. I can go by myself. I figured I would call and ask just in case. Okay?” I’m trying to best to convince him to get back to whatever it is he needs to do. I really should’ve mentioned that he doesn’t need to actively announce to everyone that I’m his boyfriend either. It’s so embarrassing for me!

“No, it’s fine. I can go. I’ll see you this evening.”

“But…”

“See you then.” Click. Uh…he hung up already. What the heck? So what does he mean by ‘I can go’ specifically? I stare at my iPhone in puzzlement. In the end, I tell Om that Phun is busy but I can handle this by myself.

Kinokuniya offers services where they help you carry the books you purchase, right?

***

Om rushes out of class the second the school bell rings. If I hadn’t known about his brother flying back to Thailand, I would’ve thought that there was an FHM Contest live broadcast. It’s the only thing that’d explain his behavior otherwise.

I’m pretty sure that he’s really looking forward to whatever his brother had bought for him from abroad though. I wonder what it is. The latest issue of Playboy or is it something he wants to give to nong Mick? Whatever it is, he had better not let me find out. Heh heh.

I think to myself while whistling and putting my things away from my desk. After I bid goodbyes to Keng, Rodkeng, Pong, Palm, Dong and the rest of the guys, I head off to fulfill my duty of the music club’s slave (unfortunately, Ngoi left to join the competition with everyone else or I’d be bossing him around). Ah, this is frustrating. I carry my school bag between my arm and my waist so I can wave goodbye at my friends.

Anyway…what about Phun? He hasn’t called yet either. I mean, he seems to be pretty busy lately with the student council stuff. I really shouldn’t bother him so much. That’s what I choose to tell myself before I stuff my iPhone back inside my pants pocket and make my way out of the school.

Things would’ve been a lot smoother if it weren’t for Phun who pops out from nowhere and grabs me by the arm. I’m being forced to escape the school premises along with him. What in the holy hell is happening?!

“Come on, Noh! We gotta move or we won’t make it!” He tells me as we sprint to the school’s gate together. Hey! What is this?!

“What are you talking about?! The place doesn’t close until 9 pm!” What’s with this guy? But I don’t need to wait for Phun’s response to understand what’s really happening.

“Fucking Phun! Get back here!” Wait! You ran away from him?! I turn my head back and catch a glimpse of Fi yelling at the top of his lungs before I’m being shoved inside a taxi by Phun. “I’m out! You can get nong Mac to help you if you need something! Bye, dude!” Phun shouts back at the student council president. He quickly closes the door. “To Paragon, please!”

“Yo! Why did you run from him like that?!” He’s gonna accuse me of stealing the student council secretary away again! I immediately yell at him once the cab begins to move.

“It’s not like I can let you go there alone. There are a ton of books.” Phun turns to look at me with a silly grin. His forehead is drenched with beads of sweat. Well, I’m glad you wouldn’t abandon me like Om does, but still…

“What about your work at the student council office? Can you really just drop them like that?” It’s a little unnerving considering how Fi was chasing after us. And yet, Phun laughs loudly.

“There’s nothing needed to be done! Fi is just being a smart ass. He’s been really bitter because he hasn’t been anywhere with his girlfriend for the past two weeks. That’s why he didn’t want me to go with you. A real bastard, isn’t he?” Oh, is that what happened? Damn that Fi! If I had known then I would’ve kicked his ass once or twice.

I grumble and cuss at that student council president under my breath. Phun asks the cab driver to turn the air conditioner up a little before he turns his attention back to me. “On the other hand, the person I’m dating isn’t as cruel as the one Fi is dating. So how can anyone expect me to be cruel to my boyfriend?”Uhh…! He sure is running his mouth off today. Phun is grinning widely and I stare at him. I can’t help but burst into laughter. “You’ve got it bad, don’t you? Heh heh.”

“And it’s all your fault, you need to take responsibility for this.”Hey, how is this on me all of a sudden? I shake my head at his weirdness (which gets increasingly weirder by the day) before I tap my finger along to the country music that the driver is listening to.

Pretty soon, the two of us (plus the uncle who is driving) arrive at Siam in one piece. As usual, Phun pays for the cab fare. Ugh, how long does he intend to live like he’s some kind of a sugar daddy like this?! (Okay, I got it. Your family’s rich.) I glance at him as he accepts the change from the driver. He obnoxiously puts them in his pocket without counting.

“You’re always like this. I’m not catching a cab with you from now on.”

“What?! Well, you’re paying for our dinner. I’m starving, what should we eat?” What the hell? I asked you to pick up books with me. This guy is always so sneaky. I glance at Phun, he’s rubbing his belly while looking around. I can’t help but elbow him once. “Pick up the books with me first,”

“Eh?! You said so yourself that they don’t close until 9 pm. We should find something to eat first. How are we supposed to lug those books around with us?” Oh…that makes sense. However, Phun doesn’t wait for my response and drags me inside Siam Center in search for a meal. “What should we eat?~” Now he’s even using a cute tone of voice. Whatever floats your boat, man.

We circle around the place for a long while. Phun has his arm over my shoulders and around my neck the entire time. I do get that it’s normal for guys to walk around like this but…he really should let go now.

I begin to squirm but he doesn’t let go. “Ugh, it’s so uncomfortable! Let gooooo!” Phun whistles and acts like everything is normal.

I glare at him once more. “Let go of me already…” The girls passing by us are staring at us now.

“What? Is it that much of a hassle for me to rest my arm on you like this?” Phun pretends to complain about his lack of strength but he eventually loosens his hold on me. I suppose he gets the hint that I’m being serious so he simply places his arm on my shoulder instead.

The two of us circle around Siam Center two more times before Phun decides (for us both) that we’ll be having dinner at Sizzler. Seriously, he’s not even asking if I want to eat there. To be honest, I do want to eat there but the lines are always long as if the place is free of charge. I’m already giving up just thinking about it.

As it turns out, being patient pays off. The hostess calls for my name (and look at how he’s the one that wanna eat here yet he used my name for reservation) and leads us to an empty table. It’s the best table in the place too. There’s nothing better than sitting real close the salad bar. This is Noh’s heaven. Noh’s tuna soup. Noh’s pasta. Noh’s mashed potatoes. Ah…I’m happy just thinking about them.

There’s a bright smile on my face when I realize where we’ll be sitting. Phun taps the back of my head out of annoyance. But before I could return the favor, my eyes catch the sight of a light and small figure which I recognize instantly.

“Yu…ri…” I softly call out her name, but it is still loud enough for Phun to hear because he turns and looks in the same direction as I am. That’s right, not too far from us seats Yuri and about three to four friends of hers. I get the feeling that she had already seen us but pretended like she didn’t. No matter how hard her friends are trying to get her attention, she refuses to look my way.

We barely get to stay in the same room for five minutes before Yuri suggests to her friends that they should go pay their bills at the counter near the exit. I can tell from the empty plates on their table that they’ve been here long before Phun and me. Judging from her expression, I know that she would’ve found her dinner much more enjoyable if I hadn’t been here.

I watch as Yuri leaves while carrying her school bag. The orange keychain is still hanging from it. Just for a split second, it feels like my heart is being squeezed even though I realize that things are better off this way.

Phun’s warm hand grabs mine in such a way that he wants to express how much he cares for me through the tips of his fingers.

I can only hope that someday, we can go back to exchanging smiles again.

Even though I know that this is merely a pipe dream.