CHAPTER 57: DON'T HOLD YOUR FEELING

As it turns out, the fax sent by the committee is an invitation to a party celebrating our 2nd-runner up title. They’re hosting the party at a 5-star hotel located about 20 steps away from my school. (Or maybe even fewer than 20 steps?)

Then why on earth did I pay for a party out of my pockets the other day…? Why didn’t the committee send this fax sooner?! (Give me back my entire month’s worth of allowance now!) I nearly turn to grab Ngoi by his hair after I had finished reading it. (Whatever the situation might be, always blame that Ngoi first and foremost.) Perhaps Per feels bad for his friend, (or he’s been bullying Ngoi a little too much) so he suggests something to me.

“You can just stuff your face while you’re there, p’Noh. You know, as a retaliation? Bring some bags with you and you can take more food home too.” Oh…such a despicable plan. How did you come up with this? I love it. Heh heh heh. While I’m trying to calculate how many bags I should bring with me in order to get enough food that’ll last me a whole month, nong Knott reads the rest of the invitation then he reminds me of something.

“It’s the same day as the Pharma-Camp though. I read the announcement they posted up in the guidance counselor’s office. Doesn’t that mean if you signed up for the camp then you can’t go to the party?” Huh?! What?! Om and I jump from where we are and grab the fax to check it out for ourselves for the second time. Oh, shit. It really is on the same day. There goes my food…

“What camp? Where the hell are you guys going?” I barely get to finish reading the invitation for the second time before Film curiously pops his head in between Om and me. I’ve forgotten that he is also the type that doesn’t pay much attention to what’s going around him. I guess he didn’t hear about it either.

I volunteer to be the nice messenger and fill him in. “The Pharma-Camp. It’s the same day as this party. We already signed up for the camp so we can’t go. Sorry, man.” Even so, I feel slightly relieved telling him this. I didn’t have much to do with their win anyway. I drafted some paperwork, carried the cooler and made drinks for the underclassmen. They were trivial jobs. I wasn’t responsible for anything. Film and Art handled all the important stuff. Therefore, I don’t think I’d be so shameless as to attend that party. It’s better for me to attend that camping trip.

Film’s eyes, however, are shining brighter than diamonds once he learns about the camping trip.

“I’ll go too!” This fool…

“Well, you can’t! You’re the marching band’s leader! Go to that party!” He must’ve lost his mind. They’re throwing a party in his name and he wants to skip out on that? I smack Film’s head twice to snap him out of it. Still, he wants to go camping. Something in the milk ain’t clean. There has to be more to this.

I get my answer without having to ask when nong Mum reveals truth.

“P’Film, you’re afraid of that auntie who’s the president of the committee, aren’t you? Hahaha.” Which auntie?! I turn to nong Mum’s direction. He’s sitting with a group of wind instrument players. They’ve been practicing not too far from where we are. I’m dying to know what he means by that. This is brand new knowledge to me.

“Auntie who?” Om asks Mum. The chubby kid grins with his eyes nearly closed before he answers the question.

“The president of the committee has a thing for p’Film. That lady called him nearly every single day when we were abroad. I have a feeling he’ll end up marrying a cougar some time in the future. Hahaha.” Ahahahaha! For real?! I glance at Film. He’s grabbing his temples as though his soul has been sucked out of him. He points at Mum to remind the kid that he’ll make him pay for this later. Heh heh heh. Why do such a thing when he simply answered Om’s question?

“Whatever. I’m going to that camp. Where do I sign up?”

“The main office.”

“You guys can go stuff your faces. I won’t be there.” Jeez, so he’s really ditching them? I blink at the guy who had just found a map to an oasis. I watch as he pushes the door and exits the clubroom. On the other hand, Art looks pretty taken aback by this. (So he’s definitely signing up for that trip, huh?”

“Wait. So…that means…I gotta be there on his behalf then…? Correct! You’re the deputy leader of the marching band!

“That asshole…I’ll get him back for this!” Hahaha, this is between you two now.

***

After listening to Art complained about Film, (for sending him to be the sacrificial lamb for that auntie) we practiced until the sun set. The clock in our clubroom lets us know that it’s past 8pm, it’s time we close up shop.

We try to chase these underclassmen home. They’ve been practicing like mad and I just want to get home already. I don’t know where these kids get their energy from because they refuse to budge and pack up their things. They just keep practicing to their heart’s content. -_-” It’s already 8pm, can you guys not work so hard?

I barge in and try to break up the group several times but they refuse to go home. (I seriously hope you can keep this up. I used to be like this too and look at me now.) I have no choice but fall back on my last resort, which is turning off all the lights. Heh heh heh. Whoever wants to hang with a ghost can stay. With hands on my hips, I watch as the kids slowly packing up their things so they can head home. I let out a long exhale. It’s about time, jeez. Don’t practice so hard. Those diligent workers can share some of their enthusiasm my way, to be honest. I could use some of that. I accept their goodbyes as they make their way out the clubroom with nong Loy being the last one to leave. Finally, I get my things and shut off the lights for real this time around. A lock on the door signals the end of another day. =]

At any rate, I’m starving. I’m so hungry that I feel like I can swallow someone whole. I look at Film’s face, thinking that I don’t exactly want to eat him. He’s a big guy and I’d be full for a whole month. I figure that we all should just go to a nice restaurant for dinner since everybody’s more than ready for a meal. So, the rest of the club members that haven’t headed home yet leave together in a group in search for a restaurant.

The current group consists of Film, Art, Poom, Ngoi, nong Knott, Per and nong Mawin. (By the way, he was being so nice. He came here to wait for Per so they can go home together. How touching is that? I swear I almost shed a tear.) We leave in the school and argue for a while on where we should go. We settle on a noodles place near Winning Street. It’s Poom’s favorite restaurant. So, isn’t anyone curious as to why Om isn’t with us? Heh heh. I don’t need to tell you guys where he is, right? It’s pretty late, so that means Om is dropping nong Mick off at his house. (Sure, there’s nothing going on between the two of you. I saw how you were rushing nong Mick to get home to the point where you were getting on my nerves.) Naturally, we gave them a hard time and teased them when they were leaving. I was so surprised that Om wasn’t affected by that at all. He wiggled his brows at us a couple of times (while nong Mick was so embarrassed, I thought he was going to hide under Om’s armpits to escape). Not only that, Om carried nong Mick’s school bag then they led each other away without a care in the world. Hmph, it was so annoying to watch. I’ll definitely get him soon. You’re next on the list to be interrogated!

You can’t possibly expect us not to talk about such a hot topic while we’re having our bowls of noodles now, can you? I listen to Poom’s story about how he ran into Om at the movie theater in Central World. Apparently, Om was there with nong Mick! Also, he had no idea that he was being followed by Poom either. I can’t believe Poom didn’t tell us about this earlier. (To be fair, he’s not trying to be nice or anything but he said he just forgot.) Plus, Poom said that he saw Om doing something weird right near nong Mick’s cheek too! What was he doing?! We try to strangle it out of Poom but he says that the theater was too dark and he couldn’t see anything else. Om was doing something near nong Mick’s face, that’s all Poom knows. (By the way, how do you forget something like this? I would’ve texted the entire world right then and there!) Everyone is dying to know what’s really going on with Om.

While we’re dishing the dirt on Om (that’s what he gets for not hanging out with us this evening) and Per is cackling in the background, Knott adds something to the conversation which causes the guy who’s being talked about to choke on water.

“You’re the one to laugh when yours is sitting right here.” Wooooooo! We tease Per, who has nong Win sitting right next to him. It’s quite satisfying to watch him flick drops of water from a straw at nong Knott’s face out of embarrassment. (I think?)

But you know, Per and nong Win are cute together. I remember how Per was a lot meaner to the poor kid just last month. (This one time, nong Win was sitting outside of the clubroom waiting for him. Per was being rather harsh and told him to just go home.) However, Per is willing to hang out with nong Win more often now. Take today for example, nong Win is actually having dinner with us. (If this were a month ago, Per would’ve chased him away.) And just earlier, I saw how helped out by eating the pork gizzards since nong Win doesn’t like them. (In return, Per gave some eggs from his own bowl to Win. How chivalrous of him, jeez.) I guess even Per can be nice too.

“Oh! Did you guys just finished up at the clubroom?” P’Diew! P’Nont! We turn to where the voice came from. P’Diew and p’Nont say hello to us as they walk up from the street next to the restaurant. We yell happily and invite them to join us. It’s going to be a long night tonight!

***

Ugh…I shouldn’t have been such a glutton. I’m about to explode any second now. I wobble my way down to street to my house while feeling astonishingly tired and sleepy. I had a ton of fun tonight. Since p’Diew and p’Nont joined us, Film started talking about how the marching band got a chance to competed internationally. He was so proud that he couldn’t stop talking. It was hilarious though, because I got to learn all the weird stuff everyone did while they were abroad. Hahaha. We were being so damn loud and it must’ve been annoying for everyone else to deal with. I actually felt bad for the tables near ours. But it couldn’t be help, teens are loud and people will just have to get used to that, haha.

Since we were really into it, it meant getting home late. I check my watch and it’s currently past 11 pm now. I stretch myself, feeling very sleepy.

Woof! Woof! Woof!

Eh? Isn’t that Chum, p’Nim’s dog? (P’Nim’s my neighbor.) Why is he barking so much? I furrow my brows as I continue to hear his barks. He’s been doing that since I turned the corner into the street and he’s still barking now that I’m about to reach my house’s gate. What’s up with him?

Woof! Woof! Woof!

As I slowly and curiously walk up to my house, I discover a shadow of somebody sitting there just waiting. What?!

“Dude, what the fuck?! Why are you sitting there?!” It’s that bastard Phun! He’s sitting in front of my house waiting for me again. What the hell is wrong with this guy? Why didn’t he call and at me know? Or why didn’t he just wait inside the house?!

“Oh, you’re finally home?” Listen to this guy. I look at the student council secretary with hands on my hips. He’s been staring into space as though he’s filming a music video. Okay, you’re not that cool.

“Yeah, and why are you sitting out here?”

“Why not? Am I not allowed to be here?” What the heck? I’m asking him nicely and he’s getting smart with me? My drowsiness goes away once I see his face and I sit down next to him. “That’s not what I meant! Why didn’t you go inside and wait or you could’ve called me so I’d rush home instead of taking my sweet time?”

Phun chuckles softly when he notices the serious expression on my face. He replies with a smile. “I just got here myself, actually. I thought I could wait out here for a bit but then I lost track of time.” It must’ve been a lot of time. I glance over his body and see that there are several mosquito bites on him. How can even he that he just got here? This sure wears me down.

I sigh and get up. I pull his arm so that he’d get up along with me. “Come on, come on. Let’s go inside. We can talk in there. Did you eat yet?” I ask him while I unlock the small door at the gate. It’s pretty late so my parents likely locked the main gate already. Phun asks me a question in return.

“What about you? Did you eat yet?”

“I did.” Sounds like he didn’t though. Sigh. I turn back to raise my brows at him and he gives me a smile in return. “Oh, I’m not that hungry or anything.” Goddamn. That won’t do.

I head to the kitchen the second I step inside my house. “Fried shrimp cakes, chicken panang curry and hard boiled eggs. Wanna eat them? I’ll reheat them for you.” I ask while I rummage through the refrigerator. Fortunately for Phun, the son of this household is a glutton, which means there are always leftovers in the refrigerator in case their son gets hungry in the middle of the night. (And there’s never anything left over by morning.)

I carefully dump all the food on to plates to microwave them. I also plug in the rice cooker to warm the little bit of rice that’s left.

“Eat with me?” Phun suggests as he sets the table for two. I pause for a moment. Uh…my stomach is still filled with noodles. But I decide to be polite and eat with him to keep company. I swear, I’m not hungry for a second dinner! Is the rice ready? My stomach’s growling now. (Hehehe.)

We chat while setting up the table and wait for the rice to be ready. Naturally, I tell him a bunch of stories on what Om has been up to. (I heard them from my friends.) This is how I learn that Phun is quite a nosy guy himself. He keeps asking about this and that. He wants to know all the details. It’s to the point where I almost call Om on my cell so Phun can speak to him directly. (Heh heh.) Eventually, I can smell the wonderful scent of warm rice which sends a signal to my stomach. It’s time to get to work!

The rice is done cooking, which means it’s time to dig in. Phun starts off by being an ass. He sticks his fork into my hard boiled egg and breaks the yolk. You bastard! (I love it when the yolk is a little runny.) I retaliate by poking his egg too but it turns out to be well-cooked. Now my fork is stuck, damn it. So unfair! Phun laughs as I shoot him an annoyed look. He spoons a fried shrimp cake onto my plate to make peace. That’s more like it.

After we cleared the table, washed the dishes, watched some TV and politely greeted my Ma (who came downstairs because she heard us making a ruckus), it is time to turn off all the lights and head upstairs. I furrow my brows as I watch him walk up the stairs in front of me. I can’t but wonder the reason he’s here tonight.

The two of us enter my bedroom and turned on the lights, the air conditioner, the television and the computer. (Basically we turned everything on.) I sneak a peek at Phun who is standing by the bookcase as he checks out a new manga I bought. Phun came here wearing a t-shirt and a pair of flipflops. Despite the fact that he’s still in his school shorts, he obviously went home before coming here. If I include the red mosquito bites all over him, it must mean that he’s been sitting out there waiting for me much longer than he let on. I curiously watch the tall figure guy as he reads the manga. I wonder if something went down back at his house again.

“Phun…” I softly call out his name. He flinches as though he’s been lost in his own thoughts this entire time. My curiosity grows stronger as he slowly turns his head to answer me.

“Yes?”

“Are you spending the night?” Phun goes still when asked the question. Then, his lips slowly curl into a smirk.

“Can’t I?” Sigh. He knows very well that whether he can or can’t isn’t the issue. I scold him with my eyes, yet he’s still grinning.

“Did you tell your parents you were coming here?” Phun lets out a roar of laughter once he hears my question. What is so damn funny?

Phun has a big grin on his face as he puts the manga back on the shelf. “Why? Do you think I ran away from home?”

“And did you?”

“I didn’t! I already told my mom that I’m spending the night at your place.” I can only hope that’s true. I cross my arms, feeling rather suspicious. He takes the chance to walk over and stands up close. “What do you take me for?”

“It’s kinda hard to read you lately.” Phun bursts into laughter at my frankness. (Heh, I’m just trying to be honest.) I watch he laughs with his eyes closed before he leans in and puts his hands on the computer desk behind me. I am now trapped between him and the desk.

His smiling face moves in close, his nose is nearly touching mine. “I missed you so I came to see you, how is that hard to comprehend?” He says with kiss on my cheek. The student council secretary catches on and pulls me into a hug just as I’m about to open my mouth to cuss at him. “Come here. I missed you so much.”

“What do you mean? We saw each other earlier today.” You know, when you forced me into going on that camping trip with you?

I argue and I can feel hot breaths coming from Phun on my shoulder. “Well…I just wanna be around you at all times.” He’s acting cute, something’s up. I return his exhale with my own. I wrap my arms around the tall guy as he holds me.

“Is everything okay? Whatever it is, you can tell me about it.” Instead of an answer, he tightens his embrace. Phun then asks me a question.

“Noh…”

“What’s up?”

“Do you love me?” Ehhh? Why is he asking me that?! I must admit, I’m stunned for a long while because I didn’t expect such a question. Normally, I would smack him in the head or give him an obnoxious answer, but this time…I can feel that something isn’t right and I can’t explain why.

“Wh…why?” Phun doesn’t answer and repeats his question.

“Do you love me…?”

This only makes me realize even more how weak the person before me is feeling.

“Of course I love you. A whole lot too.” I decide to just be honest with him and hugs him tighter too. We stay like this for a little while, and personally, I’m more than happy to offer my embrace for Phun. As long as he needs. As long as I can make him feel better.

The clock continues to tick, it is the only thing breaking the silence inside this room. After a while, Phun is finally willing to continue to speak. “You wanna know something…?” He begins in his deep tone of voice, his arms are still tightly wrapped around me.

“Just knowing that you love me…I know what I must do from now on.” Do what exactly…?

“Do what exactly?” My lips move faster than my thoughts. Phun chuckles softly and deeply.

He gently strokes my back and I can feel the warmth from his palm, the palm that I love very much. “Well…I’ll love you lots and lots and lots and I won’t ever let you run away from me. How about it?” Heh heh.

“So you’re saying that if I didn’t love you, then you wouldn’t love me and tell me to go far away then?” ‘Cause then you’ll definitely get it from me.

Phun laughs a bit more before he kisses my forehead. “I still wouldn’t let you go, haha.” Then why bring any of this up…? I can’t help but hit his head lightly.

He giggles a bit as he continues to hug me. After a little while, he lets go. I stare at his sharp face. He’s smiling but his eyes are strangely cloudy. They’re not bright and cheerful like they normally are.

I begin to realize why Phun came here tonight and why he asked me that question.

“I’m gonna hop into the shower.” The tall jerk breaks the silence with a body stretch. He grabs a towel that he usually uses and throws it over his shoulder. “I was waiting for you for ages, I’m all sweaty and sticky. Wanna join me?” Heh heh, so he finally admits it that he’s been here waiting for me for a long time. Pfft, why bother with the pretense in the first place?

I shake my head and sit down on the chair at my computer desk so I can check if I got any messages. “You go ahead, I need to respond to my fans first. They sent me a bunch of messages, jeez.” I guess I don’t sound that believable because Phun sticks his head at the monitor to check for himself. A bunch of MSN windows popped up. They’re from my friends, my upperclassmen, my underclassmen and girls that I (kind of) know. They’re all saying hello in a long parade. (When I turn the computer on, MSN signs in automatically, it couldn’t be helped. -_-) He chuckles to himself and lightly pats my head before taking off his silver watch and leaves it on the desk.

“Okay, come find me after you’re done. I’ll be enjoying a nice bath while I wait for you, heh heh.” Now you’re just treating my house like a spa. Do you want an oil massage after too? I wave him off and tell him to go take his shower. I proceed to type a reply to the first message from Om. (He’s asking me to send him a clip a again.)

Phun leaves to take his shower and I must confess that I can’t exactly focus on using the computer. This mainly has to do with how sad Phun looks and I don’t know if he had spoken to his father after that fight they had last night. I don’t even know if any of them knows about the true nature of my relationship with Phun. I don’t know anything else other than the fact I don’t want to see him like this. I love seeing joy in his eyes. I love when he gets smart with me. I can’t just sit still and watch him change right in front of my eyes.

However, I have no idea how I can possibly keep a smile on his face at this point.

‘Another heartbreak

I can’t believe Paew would do this to me

A woman’s spirit never knows steadiness

And now I rely on a bottle of gin’

Uh, there’s no need to panic. It’s just a new ringtone that Om forced upon me the other day. (I still don’t know who the hell Paew is.) So now Om and I share the same ringtone and whenever a phone rings, we each would grab our own phone since we don’t know which one is actually ringing. But…that’s not the point. (Then why did I spend so long telling this story?) I should be checking on who is calling me instead.

I don’t recognize this number. Who is this? Nevertheless, I’m answering it in case a modeling agency is calling to hire me to walk a runway. (Don’t spit at your computer screen, you might get electrocuted.) Hahaha, I’m only kidding. I’m answering it in case it’s one of the club members that I never got a chance to add their number to my contact list and perhaps there’s an emergency.

“Hello.” I’m being polite only because I don’t recognize the number. This better not be that bastard Per prank calling me. I’ll cuss his ass out like the other times. (He loves to call me from a weird number and pretends to be an insurance salesman. He has way too much time on his hands.)

“Is this nong Noh?” However, this isn’t that bastard Per. It’s actually Phun’s mother! I immediately flinch and spring away from the computer desk.

“That’s right.”

I answer her. My heart is pounding inside my chest. Even though her voice sounds as kind as ever, I can’t help but panic a little due to her son being here taking a shower and planning to sleep over. It’s a strange doubtful sensation which I can’t put into words.

“Is nong Phun spending the night at your house tonight, dear?” Oh, crap. What do I answer her?! I glance at the bathroom door (which is slightly ajar) with a heavy feeling inside me. Phun was the one who told me that he didn’t run from home and I should believe him.

“Yes, he’s here. He’s in the shower right now. Should I get him for you, Mom?” I ask her as I make my way over to the bathroom to call the brat and clear the air, but his mother turns that down.

“That’s alright, nong Noh. I only called to see if he’s there. He told me that he’ll be sleeping over at your house but I was afraid that…”

“Phun isn’t that type of a person, Mom.” I know full well how incredibly rude it is to interrupt an adult but I felt the need to remind the woman I’m speaking with. The Phun that she and I know (and she knows him a hundred times better than I do) isn’t a troublemaker like how she fears that he might be. He had just proved that no matter how stressful a situation might get, he’s still someone you can trust completely.

There’s a small sigh coming from the other end of the line. “You’re right. I’m probably worrying over nothing. Thank you, dear.”

“And I’m sorry that I was being impolite, Mom.” Now that I think about it, an outsider like me shouldn’t have said such a thing.

A small chuckle can he heard from the other end of the line as though she wants to put me at ease. “It’s fine, dear. I should be thanking you, Noh. How could I have possibly forgotten that my son is a very good kid.” Exactly. I wish Phun were here to hear her say this.

We go quiet for a moment before I break the silence between us, probably because there’s still something else that’s bothering me. “Did something happen again, Mom?”

“Yes…” Her reply is filled with worries. “To be honest, I think if it’s in nong Phun’s ability to speak then he should just be honest and tell his father. That way, all of this can be done and over with. I really don’t see how any of this is difficult or will cause any great harm. So why isn’t nong Phun willing to talk about this?”

“………..” I don’t know how to answer her because I know, without a doubt, why Phun can’t just tell his father.

“If you get a chance, will you please speak to him, dear? I know that he’s being stubborn and doesn’t agree with his father and me, so I think you have a better chance of you getting through to him then we do. I’ll have to leave this to you.”

“Of course.” I reply with a big fat lie. I know I can’t do what she’s asking me to do but I’m giving her my word.

The disconnect tone continues to play from the phone I have up against my ear. The strangest part is that I can’t hear a single thing.

My brain is empty. There’s only confusion circling in my thought and it refuses to go away.

Between telling the truth and deal with the possibility of the end of us, or keeping everything to ourselves and allow these uncertainties to eat away at us little by little.

I honestly don’t know which path Phun will decide to take.