If You Need Me: Chapter 35

“Have you ever slept on a twin bed before?” Hammer asks.

“At dance camp we slept four to a room and had twin bunk beds,” Tally says.

“Of course you went to dance camp.” Rix pats her shoulder, smiling.

Tally props her fists on her hips. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“That none of us are surprised you went to dance camp,” Dred says. “How old were you?”

“I went every summer until I aged out at sixteen. I had my first kiss there.” She tosses her purse on the bed and surveys the room. “I think my walk-in closet is bigger than this entire space.” She cringes. “Oh, ew. I sound like a spoiled brat. I should not repeat that to anyone outside of this room.”

Hammer gives her a side hug. “I get it. My room in my off-campus apartment was about the same size as this. It took a little getting used to, but I promise we’ll make it yours, and it’ll feel like home.”

“Remember the two-bedroom apartment we lived in during second year?” Essie says to Rix.

“Two bedroom was a stretch. The twin bed took up ninety percent of one room,” Rix says with a smile. “But it was ours and it was fun. Minus the snow that came in under the crack in the front door.”

“That sounds like an adventure,” Hemi says.

“It absolutely was,” Essie agrees. “And I wouldn’t trade it for the world.” Essie’s living in a tiny bachelor apartment not far from the rest of us, making it easy for her to join in on moving day.

Rix pulls her phone out of her pocket and sighs. She types a message and slides it back into her pocket.

“Everything okay?” I ask.

“Tristan is on his way here and he’s bringing Nate.”

“I didn’t know he was coming.” When I told Dallas we were moving Tally into residence this weekend, he offered to help. Her dad was called out of town for an unexpected meeting in New York, and Tally’s brother has a cello performance that her mom needs to attend, so we gladly stepped in. Flip decided to tag along. And apparently now Tristan and his younger brother.

Not quite the low-key entrance Tally was hoping to make, but she doesn’t want to hurt their feelings and tell them no. Also, she has a lot of boxes.

“Yeah. He’s been a bit needy lately.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Brody’s convocation is in September, and his mom is suddenly interested in attending. She called him last night, and he’s having a hard time. Add in Nate staying with us until he gets his apartment at the beginning of the month, and it’s been intense.”

“Tristan doesn’t have much contact with her usually, right?” Dred asks.

Rix nods. “She sends a card at Christmas, but he hasn’t seen her in years. The whole thing has been really triggering for him. In the past, he would shut down, or be a dick, but he doesn’t want to default to asshole mode now, so he’s increased his therapy sessions. It’s been good for him, but it also means feeling all the feelings and learning how to let them exist without taking over.” She sighs. “With me going back to school soon, Nate moving to the city for a new job, and the start of the season, it’s just a lot. And he wants more time with me, so he’s on his way over. He’s been showing up for himself and asking for what he needs, even when it’s hard, and that’s huge progress.”

I bump her shoulder with mine. “It can’t be easy, though.”

“It’s not, but we’re supporting each other, and that’s what relationships are about.” She looks over at Tally. “I’m sorry another Terror player is helping you move in.”

“It’s okay. Anyone who knows hockey knows my last name anyway. It isn’t like I’ll be able to keep it a secret.” Tally hugs Rix.

We all pile on.

Dallas appears in the doorway, followed by Flip.

“Uh, everything okay?” Dallas’s forearms and biceps pop under the strain of the box he’s carrying.

“Everything’s fine. Just girl bonding,” I assure him as I shamelessly eye-fuck him. I’ve learned recently that he and the guys often work out in the gym at his building. Occasionally, I’ll poke my head in to say hi so I can get an eyeful of his sweaty hotness. Then I wait in his penthouse until he’s done and jump him the second he’s out of the shower.

He winks. “I’m all yours later tonight.”

“You’re always all mine,” I retort.

“Wow, that’s some heat coming off you two. Do you need a couple minutes alone?” Dred asks.

“He’ll be fine for a few hours,” I say.

“But will you?” Dallas kisses my cheek and sets the box on the floor. With eight of us crammed in here, there’s almost nowhere to turn that doesn’t involve bumping into someone.

“Aw, man, this reminds me of my freshman year.” Flip sets his boxes on top of Dallas’s and flops down on the bare mattress. “University was good times.” His smile falls a little, and he points at Tally. “But you should definitely not do any of the things I did.”

She rolls her eyes. “University is all about experiences, and I plan to have a lot of them.”

“I’m with Flip that you shouldn’t do any of the things he did in university. Yes to new experiences, but no to bad choices you’ll potentially regret,” Rix says.

Tally narrows her eyes. “Everyone raise their hands if they didn’t go to a keg party during their university days, drink too much, vomit, and wake up with a horrible hangover.”

None of us raises our hand. “Okay. Point made,” I note. “But Flip isn’t referring to the keg parties as much as he’s referring to everything else.”

“I’m going to grab some more boxes.” Flip hops to his feet and heads for the door. I swear the back of his neck is red, like this whole conversation embarrasses him. I don’t know how talking about his past makes him feel, but having his reputation for sexual exploits can’t be easy.

“You Badass Babes can start unpacking. Flip and I will manage the rest of the boxes,” Dallas says.

“Tristan and Nate are on the way over to help,” Rix tells him.

Essie pulls out lip gloss and reapplies it.

“Cool. We’ll be done in no time.” Dallas kisses me on the cheek and follows Flip out of the room.

Rix pokes her head out the door before she turns back to us. “Was Flip blushing? I swear he was blushing.”

“I thought the same thing!” I reply.

“Interesting,” Dred muses.

“Why is that interesting?” Tally asks.

“Because Flip isn’t known for feeling any kind of guilt or embarrassment over his past actions,” Dred explains.

“I wonder what it was about that specific conversation that made him feel some kind of way.” Rix surveys the room. “Where do you want to start?”

“My bedding is in that box over there, and that one has my fall clothes, like sweaters and hoodies and stuff. We could start with those?”

We help Tally set up her room, make her bed, hang her posters, and get most of her clothes put away. Dallas and Flip bring up the last of the boxes, which contain Tally’s books, and Tristan and Nate show up with pizza and cake.

Nate hangs back, looking a little unsure of himself. Tristan stands on the threshold of the room, eyes bouncing around as he nods his approval. “Nice work. Two thumbs-up, and I approve of your band posters. So does the rest of Canada.”

“My dad loves The Hip.” She makes the sign of the cross. “Rest in peace, Gord.”

We all do the same. The Tragically Hip are a beloved Canadian band that lost their lead singer to cancer. I went to one of their last concerts during my university days.

“We have food and a cake,” Tristan announces, like we can’t see or smell it.

“We can eat in the dining room! Let me show you!”

We follow Tally down the hall to the common area she’ll share with her roommates. A small dining table with six plastic chairs takes up one corner. There are also two love seats and two chairs that don’t look particularly comfortable.

“Are you the first one to move in?” Tristan sets the pizza and paper plates on the table.

“One of the other girls was here earlier, but I think the rest of my roommates are coming this afternoon. Two of them are from Sudbury, and another one is from Ottawa, so it’s a drive,” Tally explains.

We gather around the table, and Tally hands out plates.

“Are you excited to meet everyone? The first week is the best,” Dallas says. “Nonstop fun.”

“And then classes happen,” Flip says.

“And practices,” Tristan adds.

“And studying,” Nate mutters.

“I’m a little nervous but also trying to take it all in.” Tally takes a bite of her pizza.

“You’re going to have the best time,” I assure her.

Tristan gives Rix a hug from behind and kisses her shoulder. She turns her head and kisses the edge of his jaw. He visibly relaxes with the affection. I don’t know the full extent of his damage, but I can empathize. His mom left when he was nearly a teenager and Nate was even younger. That would leave scars.

I can’t imagine what they’ve been through, as sometimes I struggle myself, and I have a wonderful family. Two parents who adore me, two brothers who always have my back, and some days I still question why I ended up being adopted. I was three months old when I was handed over to child services and placed with my moms only days later. Was I too much for some people even as an infant? Was I the consolation prize for my moms who wanted a third child but couldn’t conceive on their own again? With that, my mind is a swirling mess of insecurity.

Dallas’s eyes move over my face as he hands me a plate with pizza. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” I smile up at him. “Thank you for wanting me.”

“Every day. Wills, you’re perfect.” He drops his voice to a whisper. “And the other night, when you let me⁠—”

I press my finger to his lips. “Stop now or I’ll never let you do it again.”

Dallas clamps his mouth shut and looks around, like he’s suddenly remembered we aren’t alone.

While we eat pizza, Tally and Rix talk about classes. Essie sits next to Rix and I’m not sure if I imagine it or not, but I swear she and Nate keep stealing glances at each other. Tristan sits on the other side of Rix with his arm slung over the back of her chair.

The cake is from Just Desserts and reads Congratulations, Tally! It’s cherry chip, which is her favorite.

Two more students arrive, with parents in tow. One boy-man wears a Terror hat. Their smiles turn to shock when they realize there are hockey players sitting in their living room.

“Is this real or am I tripping balls?” The Terror hat wearer rubs his eyes.

A round of introductions follows, and I can practically feel Tally’s anxiety. She’s already the most popular girl in her residence, and not because she’s nice, or fun, or sweet. My heart breaks for her a little—especially when Flip starts in on a dad-style inquisition. Tristan and Dallas have to step in and redirect the conversation.

We wrap it up quickly and promise to message her later, leaving her to settle in.

“I’m glad I’ll be on campus this year so we can keep an eye on her,” Rix says on our way out. “I think this transition will be an eye-opener.”

“I can’t believe Vander Zee let her live with guys. And one guy is on the freaking hockey team.” Flip looks tempted to call her dad and confirm.

“She knows better than to date hockey players, or to hook up with her roommates,” Dred says with a roll of her eyes.

“Just because she knows better doesn’t mean she won’t make bad choices,” he gripes.

Hammer looks at him. “She’s been insulated by the team her entire life. She needs the chance to spread her wings.”

Flip does not look convinced.

Dallas and I drop off Flip and Dred on the way home, and because Dallas has no chill, and my hormones are always raging when he’s around, I end up back at his place, underneath him. Tonight, I take the reins, but instead of climbing on top and riding him like a joystick, I pull him on top of me and revel in the feel of being surrounded, of the way his eyes never leave my face as he moves inside me, pushing me to the edge of bliss. Or how he laces our hands together and brings my ring to his lips—the ring I haven’t taken off since that night. He whispers dirty words and sweet praise, and when he tells me he loves me, I let his words sink into my heart.

I want to say them back, because the warmth in my chest is familiar. But I’m terrified to let it take root and become real. What if I fall for him and he walks away? My thoughts run to the darkest place, the one where I’m just a game to him. That once he has me completely, he’ll be over it—and me.

My adoptive family are the only people who haven’t bailed on me. Sure I have the BBB, but what if that changed? Dallas loves me now, but at some point, when all the sexy chemicals fade, when the fantasy has thoroughly morphed into reality, all the things he finds endearing could shift. What if he gets tired of how I’m all-in with work? That’s how I operate. I pour all my energy into my commitments. I could lose myself to work instead of life. He’ll walk eventually if I do that to him. And how could I blame him? So I keep those three words to myself. These are my most vulnerable fears. My soft underbelly.

We’re snuggled on the couch, basking in the afterglow of amazing sex when my phone buzzes on the coffee table.

Dallas’s arms tighten around me. “You should ignore that.”

“It might be the girls.” I tap the back of his hand, knowing full well it isn’t.

He reluctantly releases me, and I grab my device, opening the email and scanning the contents. “Shit. No. What the hell?”

“What’s going on?”

“Flip’s endorsement campaign with Milk has been pulled. He’s been doing so good.” I stand and scan the rest of the email, trying to figure out what happened. I pull up Flip’s contact and call him right away.

“I just got the email,” he says through the speakerphone. “There were a few students in the elevator on the way up this afternoon, and they wanted pictures. That’s normal. I didn’t think anything of it, but one of them had coolers. I’m used to being in places where that kind of thing is controlled, Hemi. I’ve been off the radar for months, and now I look like the worst kind of douchebag.”

“Did they post the pictures?”

“Yeah, and I’m tagged. I’m pretty sure they’re underage, too.”

“Are you at home now?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m coming over so we can figure this out.”

“Are you sure? I know it’s late.”

“I’m sure. We can make a game plan for tomorrow. I’ll be there in a bit.”

I end the call, already walking to the door.

Dallas’s brow furrows. “Do you really need to deal with this right now? It’s going on ten thirty, and you’ve been running all day.”

“It’s my job to figure out how to fix this. This isn’t just a Flip issue. It’s now a team issue.”

“I know, but you need to rest.” He follows me to the door. “What can you do about it now? All the offices are closed. People aren’t answering their emails at this moment.”

“I won’t sleep tonight with this hanging over my head. And neither will Flip.” I kiss him on the cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Please text when you get to Flip’s so I know you made it safely. You’ve got this.” He pulls me in for a tight hug and kisses me one last time before he lets me go.

As I walk out the door, I worry once again that I’m right. I’m powerless against my nature, and if I give in to the feelings that want to settle in my heart, it’ll end up broken all over again.