If You Need Me: Chapter 37

“Where is it?” I prop my fists on my hips and survey my bedroom. Now that I’m looking for the purse, I can’t rest until I find it. It doesn’t matter that I have a million other purses. Or that there are three perfectly acceptable options on my bed. I need this specific one. It matches my outfit precisely. And I picked that out for maximum Dallas enjoyment, so I don’t want to change. I know he’ll be extra touchy and desperate to get me back home and out of it later.

A spike of anxiety rushes through me. That’s been happening a lot more lately, these little fears prickling like barbs under my skin. I realized after the fact that I probably came off as short and cold last week when Dallas stopped by my office unannounced. But I’d just dealt with another shitty email from Topher regarding double-booking one of the rinks. Couple that with all the preseason stuff on my plate and Dallas overhearing the office water cooler gossip, and I couldn’t appreciate his effort until after he’d left.

I wonder, often, if one day his rose-colored glasses will break—the pedestal he’s put me on will topple, and he’ll see me the way other people do. Irritating. Overbearing. A lot.

But worrying about that won’t do me any good. I refocus on finding the stupid purse, though I know it’s ridiculous. I can’t let it go.

There’s one more place it might be. I open my closet door and flick on the light. Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I strain to shift the box on the top shelf out of the way. The lid pops off, and the box tips when I push it aside. I catch it before the mountain of paperwork inside rains down on me, but anxiety makes my throat tight as I set it on the floor at my feet. It’s been years since I’ve looked at that stuff.

In my first year of university, I dated a guy studying molecular genetics. He knew I was adopted and asked if I’d ever sought out my birth family—not because I wanted to connect with them, but so I could understand my genetic history. He made a good point, one that stuck with me. I had no idea what kind of genetic roulette I was playing. Shouldn’t I know if I had some latent, recessive gene that could cause serious health issues down the line?

I did the search, but in the process, I realized that more than genetic details, I wanted to know why I’d been given up. There could be tons of reasons. Maybe I was loved. Maybe I wasn’t. I loved my moms and brothers, but that question was a weight I couldn’t shake.

I told my moms about it, and they supported me. But nothing really came from any of my searching since my adoption was closed. I did some genetic testing to better understand my potential health risks, but the unanswered questions sat heavier. What had led my biological mom to give me up and never want to find me again? Why didn’t she want to know me?

Most of the time I can compartmentalize all those insecurities, but the past few months have made old wounds I thought had healed fresh again. All my hard edges are armor meant to protect me from more hurt. But in guarding my heart I’m also making it impossible to open up to Dallas the way I know he wishes I would.

“Get a grip, Hemi. Today is not the day to go down that rabbit hole.” My gaze snags on the purse sitting on the top shelf. I grab it, shove the box into the back of my closet, turn off the light, and shut the door. But the wound is already bleeding again, even with the box out of sight.

I press reset on my feelings and head to the Watering Hole to meet the girls. I need some Badass Babe Brigade time. They’re my team. My soft landing and my safe place. Rix and Tally start classes next week, and preseason exhibition games follow soon after, so this night out feels necessary.

I meet Shilpa in the front lobby of my building, and we step out into the summer evening. It’s the last weekend of August, and while the nights are steadily growing cooler, it’s still T-shirt weather. Shilpa eyes me from the side as we walk the few short blocks to the bar.

“Are you okay?” she asks.

“Yeah. Fine. Why?”

“You seem stressed.”

She’s my best friend. If there’s anyone I can talk to about this, it’s her. “I’m just afraid that one day I won’t live up to the hype in Dallas’s head, and then he’ll break my heart, and I’ll be the butt of more gossip.”

“That’s fair, but it also discounts how special you are. Also, who’s talking shit?”

“The usual suspects,” I mutter.

“It’s easy for people to sit on their thrones and judge, but they don’t know you, and frankly, they don’t deserve to. If you’d like to file a grievance, I’m here to help.”

“That would make things infinitely worse.”

“Don’t rule it out as an option if things escalate. You shouldn’t be dealing with this, no matter who you’re dating.”

I nod as we reach the Watering Hole. Tally and Hammer are already seated at our preferred booth. Dred walks in with Essie, a minute later. Rix messages that she’ll be here in a couple of minutes. We’ve just ordered drinks when she bursts through the door. She glances over her shoulder as Tristan saunters past the front window, hands tucked into his pockets, looking exceptionally smug. She motions for him to hurry up and beelines it for our table. Her eyes are wide, her smile manic, and she looks like she might be on the verge of tears. The door tinkles as Tristan enters the restaurant.

“Are you okay?” I ask.

Essie’s eyes are lit up with expectation, which makes me wonder what’s going on.

“Yes. No. Yes.” She looks over her shoulder at Tristan. “Can you hurry up, please? I’m bursting here.”

“I pulled a hammy. I can’t walk as fast as you. Plus, Nate is on his way in still.”

“How’d you pull a hamstring?” Essie asks with a smirk as she fishes her lip gloss out of her purse.

“You don’t want to know.” Tristan rubs his bottom lip. He waves his brother over. “Come on, man.”

“I’m coming.” Nate shoves his hands is his pockets and stands next to Tristan as we all wait in anticipation.

Rix laces their hands together and thrusts her left one into the center of the table. “We’re engaged!”

“Holy crap!” A chorus of feminine shrieks follows.

“Tristan just asked. Actually, he asked a few hours ago, but well—” She waves the comment away. “—and obviously I said yes, and look at how pretty my ring is, and oh my God, we’re engaged!”

We slide out of the booth as happy tears stream down her face and offer hugs and congratulations to her and Tristan. He’s beaming. Literally fucking beaming, like he just won the Cup. In all honesty, that’s probably on par with how he feels right now.

“I’m so proud of you,” I tell him. “You’ve come a long way in the past year.”

“I just want to deserve the love she gives me, you know? She’s my world.” He’s so earnest, looking at her with obvious adoration.

“I know.” I squeeze his arm. “And so does she.”

The guys show up, and suddenly it’s a full-on party. Hugs and congratulations flow, and Flip orders a round of drinks, then hands over his credit card and orders food and prosecco since they don’t have champagne.

“Tell us how he proposed!” Hammer says to Rix as the guys make Tristan do shots.

She slides into the booth beside Essie and begins with a little squeal. “It was so freaking romantic. He took me out for this beautiful picnic lunch on Toronto Island. He brought all my favorite foods, and it was just so perfect. Then he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him, and I said yes, and we went back to the penthouse. There were rose petals all over the bed and champagne, and you can all guess what happened next, and now I’m here.” Her hands flutter in the air. “I’m just so excited.” She turns her wide, elated grin on me. “This must have been how you felt when Dallas proposed to you!”

I fight to keep the smile from sliding off my face. Because it’s not at all how I felt when Dallas proposed. I was shocked and angry. There hadn’t been any room for joy. “Yeah. Exactly. You must be so thrilled. It’s the beginning of your forever.”

Rix grabs my arm. “We can go dress shopping together!”

“We absolutely can,” I agree, even as my stomach flips.

“You’re all going to be in my wedding party. We can do all the shopping and planning.” Her smile is wide. “I’m so excited that we get to do this together!”

“It’ll be so fun.” And it should be. I should be ecstatic, and I am for Rix, but I’m missing that feeling for myself. Not because I don’t genuinely care about Dallas. I do. But I didn’t even like him when he asked me to marry him.

I glance across the room, feeling Dallas’s eyes on me. He smiles, but I see the tension in his shoulders, and I worry it matches mine. He probably felt the same way Rix and Tristan do when he asked me to marry him. And it hurts my heart to know I didn’t share that excitement with him. He was elated, and I was angry. How does that memory sit with him? Because right now, it makes my heart break.

Everything about us is backwards. Our engagement is a lie we’ve twisted into the truth.

Tristan raises a pint glass and shouts, “I have something I want to say!”

Everyone quiets.

He turns to Rix, his love written on his face. “Bea, you are the most incredible woman. I adore everything about you. I know I’m not easy, and I’m forever a work in progress, but I promise I’ll work my ass off to keep deserving you for the rest of my life. I want to give you the world. I want to be the person who makes you smile, and laugh, and who gets the honor of loving you more than anyone else. Even though it was a shitty situation that brought you into my world and my apartment, I’m so grateful that you rage-quit your job. I love you more every single day, and I can’t wait to make you my wife, so I can be at your side forever.”

Rix launches herself into his arms, and everyone cheers and claps for them. Hollis gives Hammer a look that tells me she’s next.

My heart aches with the knowledge that from the very beginning, all the bullshit I thought Dallas was spewing was the truth. He was honest the entire time. About everything. And I was just determined to hate him for what he’d allowed me to believe he’d done all those years ago. What a mess.

We should have had an engagement party like this, one where we were both genuinely happy about the possibility of forever. But I can’t even bring myself to tell him how I feel about him.

Flip taps his pint glass with a spoon, and the chatter stops. “I’m so damn happy for you.” He clears his throat and looks to the ceiling as he takes a deep breath. “You are two of my favorite people in the entire world.” He coughs into his arm, like he’s composing himself. “Love can be such a messy thing, but I see the way you love each other, the way you always stand up for and to each other. The way you have each other’s backs. I know it’s not easy. I know we had a hard beginning, Rix, and that you made a lot of sacrifices, but this guy…” He points at Tristan. “He’ll love you until the world ends. You deserve the best of everything, and I know he will cherish you. And Tristan, man, you know.” He taps his heart with his fist. “I support you. Both of you. It’s an honor to celebrate you.” He holds his glass up. “To love, and to my sister and my best friend finding it in each other.”

We all toast and dab our eyes.

Essie stands next looking at her bestie. “Rix, I am so happy for you. I love that you found a partner who will go grocery shopping with you.”

Rix laughs and says, “But no one will ever replace you as my price matching partner.”

“Forever and always,” Essie agrees. “Tristan, thank you for loving and supporting her. You’ve shown me that love is real. People can change. And if you hurt her, I will do unspeakable things to you with the help of Hemi’s older brother.”

Tristan laughs and wraps his arms around Rix. “Honestly, I expect nothing less. Samir is a scary motherfucker. I’m glad my girl has someone like you in her corner, Essie.”

“Here, here!” Roman raises his glass. “To love!”

We all cheers again.

It’s an amazing celebration. But it’s a reminder of how different it is with me and Dallas. I know how he feels about me, what he wants, but I’m struggling to get where he is, and the engagement ring I’m wearing is a reminder of how it all started—with a lie we keep telling our friends.

So when he asks me if I’m coming back to his place, I tell him I can’t.

It’s not a lie.

I’m too raw. Too afraid of my own feelings.

And even more afraid of his.

A few days after Rix and Tristan’s engagement, we plan a girls’ afternoon. Rix is super excited about planning her wedding, and I wish I was in the same place emotionally. It sucks that she’s so over the moon and I’m still over here, wishing it didn’t feel like an anvil swinging.

“Where are we going?” I ask as I climb into the back of Rix’s Mercedes SUV. Tristan bought it for her birthday like the giant, sappy, lovesick fool he is.

“It’s a surprise!” Rix is practically bouncing in her seat.

Essie is in the front seat, and Tally, Shilpa, and I are tucked in the back. Dred is meeting us wherever we’re going with Hammer, which is good because I don’t think we could cram two more bodies back here unless they wanted to ride in the trunk.

“Any hints?”

“Nope, you’ll see when we get there,” Shilpa replies.

Half an hour and some harrowing Toronto traffic later, we’re standing outside Just Desserts. “We’re cake testing!” Rix announces.

“And then looking at bridesmaids’ dresses,” Tally adds. Her eyes go wide. “For Rix, since we’re all in her wedding party.”

“You’ll all be in my wedding party, too.” If I ever get married. I turn to Shilpa. “And you’ll be my matron of honor.”

She smiles and squeezes my arm.

Dred and Hammer meet us on the sidewalk. Hammer had a meeting off-site, and Dred is using her lunch break to join us.

We follow an excited Rix, Essie, Hammer, and Tally into the shop and spend the next half hour testing cakes. “I can’t decide which one I love the most,” Rix groans while rubbing her stomach.

“You don’t have to pick just one. You’ll have tiers, right? So each tier is a different flavor,” Hammer says.

“That’s expensive, though.” Rix sinks her fork into her cake, despite already having said she’s full.

Essie gives her an understanding smile. “You’re marrying a professional hockey player who adores you. He’ll want to order a ten-layer cake to make sure you get all your favorites.”

“This is accurate,” Shilpa says.

“I seriously love the way he loves you,” Dred says with a smile.

“This,” I agree.

“My top three are the banana cream, double chocolate fudge, and the lemon curd. How about you, Hemi?” Hammer asks.

“Probably the double vanilla, the German chocolate, and the peach custard. But I think Dallas would go for the carrot cake.”

“Have you talked about dates yet? I think we’re looking at early June next year, but I want to make sure we don’t conflict with yours,” Rix says.

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. We’ll probably wait until the summer after.” I hate how easy the lies come these days. I want to love this the way she does. I want to share her excitement. But the fear that I’ll never catch up to Dallas sits heavy on my shoulders, and so does the worry that one day, he’ll change his mind. And then where will we be?