If You Need Me: Chapter 39

I can’t even hold it together long enough to make it to my apartment. My shoulders shake as I stab the elevator button, willing it to be empty when it arrives. Thankfully, my plea is heard, and I step inside to press the button for my floor. As soon as the doors close, I break, tears streaming down my face, a horrifyingly loud sob bubbling up from my throat.

It feels like someone just ripped my heart out of my chest. I can’t get the look on Dallas’s face out of my head—how resigned he was.

If I’m so uncertain of my feelings for him, why does this hurt so much? Why does it feel like I’m dying? Like there’s a gaping hole where my heart used to be? Like the best thing I ever had just slipped through my fingers?

It was too good to be true.

I’m grateful the hall is empty when I reach my floor. I’m crying so hard it’s a struggle to find my fob again through blurred vision. I finally manage to get inside and almost knock my roommate over in my rush to get to my bedroom so I can break down in private.

She has rings around her eyes from wearing her virtual headset. She tips her head up—she’s barely five feet, and I’m nearly five eleven. “Oh, hey. Oh wow, are you okay?”

“I’m okay, thanks.” I disappear into my room and slap a hand over my mouth, but it doesn’t muffle the anguished sob.

I grab a pillow to smother the sound. He just seemed so resolute, so certain that this was the right thing to do. Convinced there was no future for us. If I’d told him I was falling in love, would it have changed things? Would he have believed me?

Knowing him. Seeing Dallas as he is today and not a snapshot of a bad memory—he made me believe that maybe, just maybe, I could be loved forever. Worse, he made me believe it was safe to fall in love—to trust him with my scars and glass heart—that love wasn’t fleeting, love was patient and gentle. Now I’m alone again, with different wounds under my ribs this time.

I sob myself to sleep and call in sick the next morning. I can’t face the world, not like this. I’m a mess. And I can’t stop crying. I woke up in the middle of the night having soaked my pillowcase.

I try to avoid a call with my moms this morning, but it’s like they have a sixth sense for when I’m upset. After they’ve called three times in a row, I give up and answer.

“Is everything okay? I woke up this morning with a feeling,” Mom says.

I immediately burst into tears.

“Hemi? Sweetie? What happened?” Mom asks.

“Deep breaths, baby girl. Whatever it is, it’ll be okay,” Ma says soothingly. “We’re here to help however we can.”

“I-I-I—” I gulp air. “Damn it!”

“It’s okay,” Ma murmurs. “Take your time. We’re not going anywhere.”

It takes another minute for me to get my tears under control. “Dallas broke up with me, and none of it was really real—not the dating, not the engagement, and I’m sorry I lied to you, and everything hurts.” I’m sobbing all over again.

“We’re calling you back on video,” Mom says.

“I’m a wreck,” I blubber.

“Sweetie, we’re your moms; when you hurt, we hurt.” She ends the call and a second later starts a video chat.

Seeing their faces through the small screen only makes things worse. I’m a real mess. But once I get things under control, I sob/word-vomit the entire story, starting with my braid being lopped off by Dallas’s friend in grade three, my lost bike in middle school, to the prom fiasco, to the fake dating and the fake engagement, and finally to the real dating and the subsequent breakup.

“But you looked so happy together at the engagement party,” Mom says softly.

“I was. We were. I mean, apart from the fact that the engagement wasn’t actually a real engagement. The reunion was when things shifted. For me. He’s had feelings for a long time.”

“But you spent all that time together for the promo opportunities…” Ma seems to be just as confused as I am.

“Because he needed a babysitter.” Or he acted like he did.

“And he knew you would always show up,” Mom finishes.

“He’s been in love with me all this time, and I don’t match him yet. I thought I was falling for him. And now I never can. He said he can’t keep doing this. That it hurts too much to love me the way he does and know I don’t feel the same way.”

“Oh,” Ma says. “I see.”

“Is that true? You don’t love him?” Mom asks.

“I think I really actually do. I just couldn’t own those feelings, and what if I do own those feelings and down the line he realizes I’m too much for him?” I’m spiraling, and I don’t know how to stop. “Why would I let myself love him?”

“Oh my sweet, sweet Hemi. You’ve got that candy coating, but under that shell is a girl full of melty feelings.” Her expression is soft and knowing. “I think you need to start looking at yourself through a different lens. We picked you because you were clearly a fighter. All of us picked you. Your moms, your brothers, the Terror, your Badass Babe Brigade, Dallas. We chose you, and we will always keep choosing you. The way things started with you and Dallas may not have been conventional, but he keeps picking you. If he’s worthy of your heart, you can let yourself pick him, too.”

“You make it sound so simple.”

“Sometimes it is, sweetie. It’s just our trauma that makes it complicated. If you love him, then love him.”

“I love you both.”

“We love you, too, Hemi. With all our hearts.”

I spend the rest of the morning in bed crying. Shilpa messages at lunchtime, already aware of the breakup thanks to Ash. She was in meetings all morning, otherwise I know she would have been in touch earlier. She texts me twenty minutes later to tell me she and Hammer are standing outside my door with soup and won’t leave until they see me. Dragging myself out of bed is an epic feat. Heartbreak isn’t a good look for me.

Their eyes flare when I open the door to let them in.

“Oh God, you poor thing.” Hammer sets the takeout bag down.

My nose is red, my eyes are puffy, I’m sure I’m blotchy, and I’m wearing the smiling peaches hoodie Dallas bought me, despite it being September and not quite cool enough for it.

She and Shilpa open their arms, and I fall into them as I burst into tears all over again.

They hold me and let me sob. I’m grateful my roommate is on day shifts this week so I can wallow in the living room.

Hammer and Shilpa lead me to the couch and sit next to me. “I don’t understand why he broke up with you,” Hammer says.

I wish her shock made me feel better, but it doesn’t. It takes several minutes of sobbing and sucking in labored breaths before I can get myself together enough to explain. By the time I’m done, the coffee table is covered in used tissues.

“But…he’s obsessed with you. He’s more obsessed with you than Tristan is with Rix, and that’s saying something because that man is obsessed, all caps.”

Shilpa smiles sadly and squeezes my hand.

“He said he wasn’t the right guy for me.” I hiccup.

“What in the actual fuck?” Hammer’s brow furrows in confusion. “Why would he go to all this trouble to propose to you in an arena full of people and then tell you he’s not right for you? Do you want me to set up a birthday party promo op for him? I can make him do balloon animals again. Or sign him up for some kind of sauerkraut festival detail. Or both.”

I shake my head. “I don’t want to do that to him.” I’ve tortured him enough for several lifetimes. Making him miserable now will just make me feel worse. And these lies are too much to carry around. Hiding the truth from my friends has been a weight I can’t bear anymore.

I look to Shilpa, who seems to read my thoughts. “Hammer is safe, and this is too much of a burden for you to carry around.”

So I tell Hammer the entire ugly truth.

She exhales on a low whistle. “Dallas could have been traded for that.”

“I know.”

“Which is why you went along with it—at first, anyway,” she muses.

I nod. “I’m sorry I couldn’t say anything.”

Her expression softens. “Don’t be sorry. I hid what was going on with Hollis for months, and Rix was getting railed by Tristan for weeks before we knew. You were protecting the team, and Dallas, and yourself.” She squeezes my hand. “I’m glad you at least had Shilpa and Ash to help you through this. And it won’t go any further than this room.”

“Thanks. I just don’t want to make this worse than it already is,” I admit.

“What can we do? How can we help?” Shilpa asks.

“I want this to stop hurting.”

“Honestly, it must have been hard to wear his grandma’s ring, and for him to see it on your finger, be so in love with you—and know he’s alone in that feeling. Unrequited love hurts. It makes your heart feel like it’s breaking a thousand times a day. Plus seeing Tristan and the way Rix loves him back, and being so happy about their engagement. I think it messed you both up.” Hammer’s voice is soft and gentle, even as each truthful word feels like a blow.

“Why did he let me see how good we could be and then take it all away?” My heart shatters, and all my deepest fears seep out. “Why doesn’t anyone ever stay? Why am I always too much?”

They hug me from both sides. “Oh, Hemi, you’re not too much. Other people’s actions are usually about them, not us,” Shilpa says.

Hammer squeezes me tightly, like she’s trying to hold me together with love. “What if he just thinks he’s not enough?”

I’m not surprised when the messages from my brothers start soon after Shilpa and Hammer leave. It seems that everyone I love is in tune with how big my feelings are today.

The answer is no, I’m not remotely okay at all. But I will be less okay if my brothers take it upon themselves to come visit and bring all their high octane into my already overwhelmed world. They’re dudes to the nth degree. They’ll want to problem solve by filling my schedule with activities, and all I want to do right now is lie on the couch and cry. So I type out a lie.

Sam calls me five seconds later on video. I sigh, because not answering will just make things worse.

“What happened? What did he do?” he demands.

“I’m not as in love with him as he is with me.” Sam can smell a lie a million miles away.

“So you ended things because he’s too into you?” he asks.

“No, he ended things because he’s too into me, and he doesn’t think I’ll ever be as into him.”

Sam is silent for a moment before he admits, “I already siphoned the information out of Moms.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

“They made a valiant effort to keep your secrets, but you know how good I am at getting the truth out of people. Plus, they’re the worst liars. It’s why we have a family no-lying rule. Which you broke and I’m disappointed about. I’ll be honest, though, I’d already figured out most of it when we came down to visit after the surprise televised proposal.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because you clearly had your reasons for doing it the way you did. This job means everything to you. You love this team, and I understand why. They love you right back. You are an integral part of what makes them work, and you’re fiercely loyal and protective. You could have thrown Dallas under the bus, and maybe you should have, but you put the welfare of the team ahead of your own. Protecting other people shouldn’t come at such a great cost to yourself.”

Isaac pings repeatedly to be let in on the call. Sam pulls him in.

“What’d I miss?” He frowns as he takes in my face. “Shit. This is bad. You never cry.”

“I don’t normally get my heart broken.”

“We should come down,” Isaac declares.

I hold up a hand. “I love you, and I appreciate you, but I need some time to feel all the feelings. And apparently Sam knew all the things but sat on that knowledge until now.” I rub my temples. “How come Moms didn’t see this?” They were the ones I thought would see through this charade.

“Because every time Dallas came home to visit, he told everyone in town how incredible you are, and news travels in Huntsville, as you know. But then Brooklyn and Sean’s engagement happened and tipped the scales,” Sam says. “Though who knows how long those two will stay together.”

“And Dallas—who, by the way, is a great guy with some poor impulse control—saw an opportunity to protect you from the bullshit that would be the high school reunion. He’s had a thing for you forever. It seemed like the win of all wins. Until he realized the engagement put unnecessary pressure on your relationship,” Isaac adds.

“He said he’s not the right guy for me.” I fail to keep my voice from cracking at the end.

“Is he the wrong guy for you?” Sam asks.

“I don’t know.” But not being with him hurts more than I ever imagined it would.

“Don’t you, though?” Isaac chimes in. They’re the reason I was such a master debater. “He adores you. You adore him back. We all see it, Hemi. It might have started as a lie, but somewhere along the way it became the truth. Probably earlier than even you realize. Is it backwards? A little. But you’ve never looked as happy as you did at your engagement brunch.”

“What if his feelings change? What if down the road he decides he wants someone more laidback like him?”

“He’s loved you since you were kids. His feelings aren’t going to disappear,” Sam assures me.

“You are so loved, Hemi, by so many people.” Isaac smiles softly. “We saw it at the party when all your friends showed up for you—not out of obligation, but out of love. Dallas doesn’t want to be without you. Do you want to be without him?”

“No.” I miss him so damn much. I love the way he always opens the door for me or brings me lunch. I love how kind he is to everyone he meets. I love that he would do anything to protect the people he cares about. But the three words I love you are terrifying.

“Have you told him that?” Sam asks.

“No.”

Isaac jumps in. “Have you told him you love him?”

I sigh.

“So you’re not being honest about your feelings. This all makes sense now.” Sam nods knowingly to Isaac.

“Little sister, we love you to the moon and back,” Isaac says.

“Truth,” Sam agrees. “You were the best thing to happen to our family, Hemi. We still remember when Moms got the call about you. The second we met you, we all fell in love. I know our family isn’t conventional, and that Isaac and I are a lot to deal with, but we needed you.”

“You’re going to make me cry again.”

“We can handle it if you do,” Sam assures me. “You are brilliant and beautiful and a badass, and you always have been. You’re a fighter. But right now, you’re letting fear win. Take the time you need to get your head where it needs to be, but tell Dallas how you feel. I guarantee it’ll change everything for the better. And then you won’t be sad, and Isaac and I won’t have to hide a body.”

I laugh. “I love you.”

“We love you back, sis,” Sam replies.

“Seriously, though, Sam and I have the perfect spot if we ever need it,” Isaac adds.

“I know you do, and I adore you for it.”

“We’re here if you need us. For anything.”

We end the call, and I sit there, holding my phone against my chest. They’re right. I’m letting fear win.