Looming Punishment

TYLER

The day feels a bit brighter than the last few. I think Tilly is beginning to accept that she’s with us for now. I’ve tried to tell her she’s going home today, but it’s tough to get that across to a thirteen-week-old baby. I can’t shake off the guilt I feel for her.

She was suddenly taken from her mother and brought into our home, a place where she wasn’t initially wanted. This change should have been gradual. We didn’t get the chance to know each other before this happened, and I confess I didn’t put my heart into bonding with her these past three days. I’m concerned that she felt the burden of my own feelings about this whole situation on her tiny shoulders, and I’ve already made a vow to myself that next week, I’ll try harder. I have to try harder, for her.

I attempted to conceal my emotions around her, but when I’ve been woken up numerous times in just a few hours, it’s hard not to get a bit emotional. Especially when lack of sleep and being ignored by Violet and Zach are also affecting my emotions. But none of this is Tilly’s fault. And I despise the idea that she might have felt what I did as a child.

I should have known better than to behave the way I did. To show her how much I didn’t want her here. My father did that to Kelsie and me, and we’ve always suffered because of it. Even though Tilly isn’t mine, I don’t want to be the reason she grows up with self-doubt. Is it so terrible for her to have me as a father?

Or for me to have her as a daughter? Isn’t it essentially the same thing as with Violet? When she has a child with Callum or a child with Zach, I’ll be taking that child on as my own too. I guess it’s the way this has been handled. Maybe if she had asked me to be Tilly’s father rather than trapping me into it, I would have seen things differently.

But I’m here now, and I’ve wasted three precious days with Tilly. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve made the wrong choices. And I’ve failed as a father, even if I’m just her pretend father. Zach appears just as I’m strapping Tilly into her car seat, peeking around me to look at Tilly with a smile before he gets in the front passenger seat with a huff. His behavior baffles me.

He smiles at her, cuddles her, and lets her sleep on him one minute, but the next, he’s complaining about her being here at all. He’s actually really good with her, and if he wasn’t sulking and tried harder with her, we might have had easier nights. She likes him whether he’s willing to admit that or not. But I understand. Tilly isn’t his problem, and I can’t force him to bond with her. I wouldn’t force him to bond with her. Especially knowing that one day she’s going to be gone.

“She finally stopped crying then?” he asks, slamming the car door shut so quickly that it startles me.

“She’s been okay this afternoon, actually,” I reply, though he wouldn’t know because he spent the entire day upstairs away from Cal and me. Probably hiding because he’s grumpy and tired, and a tired Zach is not someone you want to be around. Not at all.

I’m planning to get Tilly into a routine next week. Something to help her adjust to sleeping at night. Carla helped me come up with a routine. A bath, a bottle, and the sound machine for noise in Ella’s room. Next week will be better.

“I can’t wait to sleep tonight,” he says, and I feel the same. I hope Ella has an easy night. I think we could all use the rest.

“I’m sorry,” I say as I settle into my seat, fastening my seatbelt before starting the engine. Tilly is quietly looking at the mirror on the headrest, so I reverse the car to turn it around and start toward the end of the driveway. “Do you want to do anything after or just head back?” I ask.

He shrugs, noncommittal to my suggestion, and that’s how the thirty-minute drive to Sophie’s mother’s house goes. Tilly is babbling to herself in the car seat, while I drive in silence. Zach is just scrolling through his phone, which is both mentally and visually distracting. There’s so much I want to say, need to say even, but I don’t know where to start.

It feels like we take one step forward only to fall back a hundred. It’s like we haven’t made any real progress since he returned from London. In just three days, he’s shut me out, and he’s keeping me at a distance that’s comfortable for him. I try to suppress my sigh of exasperation, though he doesn’t comment and neither do I when it finally escapes. Thankfully, the drive west isn’t too long, and before I know it, I’m pulling into Sophie’s mother’s driveway.

I don’t even have to text or call Sophie because she’s standing right outside, and for a moment, I worry that I’m late. But when I glance at the dashboard, I see that I’m actually seven minutes early. I hope she can’t use that against me. Zach’s out of his seat and opening the back door as I climb out of the car. He’s already taken Tilly out of the car seat by the time I round the back of my vehicle, so I grab her bag and the half-used tin of milk we opened.

“Little bird,” he greets Sophie as we walk up the pathway side by side. Her nickname grates on my nerves.

“Zach, Tyler.”

I glance between the two of them, wondering how deeply they still care for each other, but I quickly push those thoughts aside before they can take root. Don’t think about it.

“How was she?” Sophie turns to ask me, and I’m caught off guard by her question.

“She was…unsettled. But we managed.”

“Did you miss mommy? I missed you. How did she sleep?” I run my fingers through my hair, trying not to reveal how much the four of us struggled with Tilly these past few days. But Zach doesn’t hold back.

“She cried. All night and day. Your child is as annoying as you.”

“She’s still a newborn, Zach. Babies don’t sleep.”

“Ours does,” he leans against the railings, smiling to himself. “In fact, Ella is generally really quiet unless she’s hungry. I think Tilly missed her mother. Are you sure you don’t want help spending more time at home?”

She frowns briefly before laughing. “No, I need to work. It helps with my depression. I need Tyler to step up as her father, Zach. Tilly will settle. Everything was new for her this week, besides…Not all babies are perfect,” she says the last word with a hint of malice.

For a moment, I wonder if she harbors negative feelings toward Tilly. If she really doesn’t like her own child. But why wouldn’t she? That’s her baby.

“It will be fine. She doesn’t know us, and we don’t know her yet. Next week will be better, I’m sure,” I say, trying to smooth over the tension and steer us away from the impending argument. “How did work go?”

“It was hard being away from Tilly. But it also gave me time to breathe and think. Thanks for having her,” she says, and then we all stand there in an awkward silence. I can tell Zach’s itching to leave, but he stays firmly by my side.

“Well. I guess I’ll see you next Monday, Tilly.” I lean in to kiss her, not realizing how close I get to Sophie’s chest. Tilly’s face is sideways on Sophie’s breasts, and my eyes widen when I realize where my face is in relation to her chest.

Zach’s pulling me back by my T-shirt, and I step back quickly.

“Same place next Monday?” Sophie asks, and I nod. Stepping back into Zach’s space, his hand intertwining with mine possessively, I’m relieved that he’s here.

“Goodbye, little bird,” he says, pulling me toward the car. Sophie waits for us, standing on the porch while we get ready to leave.

I start the car immediately, eager to leave.

“Do you want to drive home?”

“No, let’s go to the club,” I swallow hard at Zach’s words. I kind of expected this. The punishment that didn’t come on Saturday night or even Sunday when it could have been doled out. Maybe he’s been biding his time.

I can’t say that I wouldn’t want to punish him if the roles were reversed, but I had hoped we could talk things out instead of resorting to physical means.

“Okay,” I say, my voice resigned and quiet, and all I can think about for the drive to the hotel is what he’s going to do to me, with me. Maybe he will flog me until I beg for forgiveness or whip me again. He could even have sex with me while choking me, even though I don’t like it. Could it be that he’ll just give me a spanking before using me to fulfill his desires? I’m already on the verge of uttering the safe word ~red~ even before we step into the room, let alone the club. How furious is he?

Does he have control over his anger?

Why am I trembling with fear?

What is he scheming inside that handsome mind of his?

These questions whirl around in my mind, creating a storm of uncertainty. It continues until I finally pull into the parking lot, parking in the spot that has become mine while I’m here working.

“Come on. I have a surprise for you. Consider it a belated birthday gift,” Zach says with a hint of excitement in his voice. He leans back against the car door before closing it and heading toward the elevator.

His words take me by surprise, sparking a sense of anticipation within me. I hurry to get out of the car as fast as I can.

“What surprise?” I ask, curiosity piqued.

“Vi and Cal decided to stay home. Vi wants to stay with Ella,” he explains.