First Embrace, Last Goodbye

VIOLET

Five hours post-birth, I finally get to hold my second son. It’s close to nine o’clock at night, and he’s been breathing independently for a few hours, a fact that fills me with relief. Dr. Fellows, the one who suggested the name Atticus, left a few hours ago after declaring him healthy, except for a unique infection that only he seems to have. He won’t be back for a few days, having left three hours after his shift ended.

Now, I’m comfortably seated in a chair in the neonatal ward, my two boys snuggled against my bare chest, their bodies only covered by their diapers. This is the skin-to-skin contact that should have happened right after their birth. Visiting hours end at ten o’clock, and we’re torn between taking baby A, who remains unnamed, back to the ward with us or leaving him here with his brother. I could pump and have one of the boys bring the milk over every few hours.

The thought of not being with either of them is unbearable, but I also feel guilty about baby B being alone on this ward until he’s discharged. The idea of having just one of them, of keeping them apart, breaks my heart.

“I don’t want to separate them again,” I decide.

“Are you sure you can handle not having them with you tonight?” Callum asks, gently stroking baby B’s hair.

“I’ll have to be. I don’t want to separate them again.”

“I vote to leave them together. We need all the sleep we can get before we go home,” Zach teases me.

“I guess…I’m the one outnumbered then,” Tyler concedes, smiling from his chair next to me.

“So we are going to leave them together?”

Everyone agrees, nodding and murmuring their assent, myself included.

“That brings us to names. We can’t keep calling them baby A and B,” I say, gazing down at our sons. They’re both sleeping peacefully, their hands clasped together, just like Tilly and Ella used to do when they shared our bed.

“It might sound crazy,” I begin, “but I like Atticus,” I suggest, looking specifically at baby B. After everything Dr. Fellows did for him, it seems fitting to name him after the doctor who undoubtedly saved his life.

“Someone has the hots for their doctor,” Zach teases, earning a strange look before Tyler shares his thoughts. I choose to ignore his sly comment because I do not have the hots for my doctor, even if he is attractive.

“I still like Asher. Those two names would go well together,” Tyler suggests.

“Asher and Atticus Henderson,” Callum tests the names, just like he did with Ella’s not long ago.

“They don’t have to have my name. Ella already does,” Zach says, leaning forward to plant a kiss on each of the boys.

“I thought we were all changing our name to yours anyway?” Callum asks.

“I’d like that,” Zach replies, grinning at him. We had agreed that when we get married, Callum and Tyler would legally change their names, so we all share the same family name.

“You know I don’t mind being referred to as a Henderson,” Tyler comments.

“So are we decided? Shall we use both of your dad’s names as middle names?” I ask Zach and Callum.

“Asher Carl Henderson,” Callum says, his small smile showing his approval.

“Atticus Jeremiah Henderson,” I announce.

“I like them,” Zach says.

“Me too,” Tyler agrees, so I turn to Callum.

“Baby, need you ask?” he says, stroking my cheek.

“Then it’s settled. We can tell the nurse to fill out the paperwork when we leave them for the night?” I smile down at my boys. Baby A is now Asher and baby B is Atticus.

“I love you so incredibly much, my darlings.”

Two boys, how did we manage that? Two adorable dark-haired and gray-eyed little boys…are laying on my chest. I’ve been afraid of looking forward to this exact moment. The stress, anxiety, and emotional turmoil that I have had to experience due to the mountain of complications a twin pregnancy has imposed upon me. For months now, I have secretly been readying myself for the unfortunate to happen, for one or both of them not to make it. For my body to give out on them and expel them the quickest way it knew how.

I’ve been poked and prodded and had my legs elevated. I’ve taken medication after medication and drunk more water than one human is surely supposed to drink, so I was never dehydrated because that can make contractions come on, apparently. I have had scans every day, and they traced the boys’ hearts more than twice a day. They’ve given me steroidal shots to help my baby’s lungs grow before their time, but they made it. Everything the three doctors suggested worked.

All those hours sitting with Atticus joking around or watching movies, with him sneaking me snacks I maybe shouldn’t have had. All that time with Samir, who had taught me tidbits of medical procedures…that I might have had to know if the boys came early and needed care. And the random conversation with Dr. Stein here and there about what to expect being a NICU mom.

The countless nights we slept here in this hospital, in a bed that wasn’t my own have all come to fruition, and along the way, I made a friend that I get to keep for life. And I also have an idea of what I want my career to be if I manage to get accepted into a college that is. But right now, I cannot think about future careers or education. No, right now…I have to bid goodbye to my boys before we go back to the semi-permanent room I have here.

Callum changes Asher’s diaper and dresses him in a snug-fitting preemie onesie while I manage to change Atticus’s diaper without disturbing any of the wires attached to his chest or foot. We place the boys side by side in the cot that has the lid off…that’s the only way I can put it, while Tyler calls in the nurse.

“We will be leaving Asher here with his brother, one of us will bring his milk over,” Zach informs the woman, who I think is named Candice.

“Did you guys decide on names? We can fill the paperwork out for their registration before you leave if you like,” she offers.

“We have,” I reply, smiling at her.

She secures the lid back onto the cot before leading us to her desk, where she produces paperwork for both boys. Zach fills them in quickly and efficiently while I lean on Tyler, and Callum leans into both of us.

The events of today have finally started to take their toll on me. I’m tired, and the fatigue is now hitting me like a ten-ton truck.

“So, Asher and Atticus?” Candice smiles over at me shaking her head as she puts the paperwork inside an envelope, leaving it in a tray on her desk.

“Yes, that’s right,” I confirm, following her as she leads us off the ward.

“You are going to give him an even bigger head than he already has,” she laughs, tapping her card on the little box on the wall to open the doors.

She doesn’t stop there, not how I expected her to. Instead, she walks over to the lifts waiting with us to take us down one level to the room I have been staying in for my whole stay.

“He probably deserves his large head. He seems to know what he’s doing,” I shrug.

“Dunno, babe, he is overly witty...” Zach laughs, pulling me back into him now.

“He has achieved a lot in his short career. Did you know he’s the youngest doctor to have performed open heart surgery on a neonatal in this hospital? Normally they leave that for the older consultants,” she says, looking straight ahead.

“He’s special,” I agree.

Candice walks us all to my room as if she’s been given specific instructions to do so. She gives us her direct number just in case we want to see how the boys are. And I’m surprised to see another bed in my room when we walk in.

“Two beds? Wow, they’re spoiling us now...” Callum laughs as I walk to my bed, finding a note and a little bag.

You can eat what you want to now, mama bear. Here are some of your favorites. Dr. A! Inside are some dried banana chips, a punnet of cherries, a bunch of bananas and some fresh raw carrots, all of which were making my blood sugars go crazy in these last few weeks of pregnancy.

“Think we have competition, boys,” Zach announces, grabbing a few cherries as he jumps into my bed, pulling the throw aside that Carla had given me a month back.

“He’s a friend,” I clarify, swatting Zach’s leg.

“Suuure. You realized you named our son after your little crush?”

I flip him my middle finger before looking for my phone on the small table beside the bed.

“Damn, Vi, he spoils you,” Callum notes as I dial Carla for FaceTime. She picks up. Of course, she does.

“Hello, darling.”

“Hi mom,” we both fall silent at the name I’ve started to call her, it just sounds and feels right, but we are still both so unused to it.

“How are the boys doing?” she inquires.

“Little B had a rough patch, but he’s all good now. How’s Ella?”

“She’s asleep, sweetheart. Want a quick peek at her on the monitor?”

“Could you?” She swivels the camera for me to catch a glimpse of Ella, sound asleep in the portable crib in Carla’s guest room. She’s clutching her taggiez to her face, snoozing on her belly with her little butt sticking up in the air.

“Could you bring her over early tomorrow? I miss her,” I request as Carla flips the camera back to herself.

“How does nine in the morning sound?”

“Let’s make it ten, Ma,” Zach hollers from the background.

“Is that time alright for you?” she checks.

“Yes, ten is perfect. Thanks for taking care of Ella. How’s Lola?” She switches the view again to show Lola lying next to her on the bed, and I can’t help but chuckle.

“They’re both doing great, sweetheart. Why don’t you get some sleep? We’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Thanks, Carla.”

“Goodnight, dear,” I sigh, sliding into bed next to Zach while Tyler and Callum settle into the other bed that’s now in this room.

Soon, I’ll be back home with all my kids, my dog, and in my own bed. I wish soon would hurry up.