Professor Astor: Chapter 10

I lean back in the hallway of our new house, unable to stop thinking of her when I should be exploring our new home. Leia. Her name is Leia. I’ve heard of her before. The few times I spoke to Amara, she’d mention her best friend with the lovable family Amara wishes she could be part of. The girl that has starred in my every fantasy for the last two years is my younger cousin’s best friend.

“Dad?”

I tense and paste a smile onto my face as I turn toward my son. The last two years haven’t been easy on the kids. They have to come first. I can’t let the feelings Leia awakened in me take over. Ever since I saw her, I’ve been meaning to find her and explain myself. When I saw the pain in her eyes, I wanted to ask her to forgive me, but I know I don’t deserve it.

“What’s up, Colt?” I ask, my tone gentle.

He stares at me, his blue eyes unwavering. My son is far more perceptive than a ten-year-old should be, and he’s often affected by my mood. If I’m even remotely sad, he will be, too. I can’t figure out how he does it, but no matter how I try to hide my feelings from him, he always mirrors me.

“Can I pick out my room?”

I nod and glance around the fully furnished house, courtesy of my grandfather. It’s a modern house that’s far larger and newer than what we had in London. The large windows and the excessive amount of light coming in are my favorite features so far. That, and the security guards that come with the house. Not only is it in a gated community, it’s also heavily guarded. Since I can’t always be with the kids, knowing they’re safe sets me at ease.

It’s isn’t the house I’d have picked for us, since I prefer older houses, but this feels like a fresh start. I easily could’ve found something myself, but part of the reason I wanted to move back here was so I could rely on my family more. I need to give them a chance to be there for me. They’ve never let me down before, but I have to be willing to receive their help. This house is a good first step for both my grandfather and me.

Colton takes his sister’s hand and pulls her up the stairs with him. Colton seems to be handling the move well, but Lucy has barely spoken a word since her mother left. Alice and me separating has forced them to grow up quicker than I wish they did. I’ve tried my hardest to shield them from everything that’s going on, but it’s been near impossible.

The longer our divorce proceedings took, the more toxic Alice’s behavior became. When she asked for a divorce, she swore she wouldn’t involve the kids. I wish she’d kept her word.

I sigh as I follow the sound of Lucy’s voice up the stairs, pausing in the hallway. It sounds like Colton is chatting up a storm in an effort to get his sister to join in on his excitement, and he seems to be succeeding. It’s been so long since I heard the kids chitchat in such a carefree way. I lean back against the wall and let my eyes fall closed, a smile tipping up the edges of my lips.

A fresh start is exactly what we need. The home Colton and Lucy grew up in is filled with painful memories. I just hope I’m doing the right thing. I don’t doubt that it isn’t going to be easy. The new house is exciting now, but that’ll wear off. Once it does, I’ll be left with twins who will be missing everything they’ve ever known. I hope I can make up for the loss of their mother’s presence in their lives. I just hope I’m enough.

“Can I have this room, Colt?” Lucy asks, her voice so sweet that it hurts my heart.

“No way! This room is bigger than the other one!”

“Please. Look, you can see the birdhouse from here. You don’t even like birds. You’re just going to play Minecraft all day, anyway.”

I purse my lips to hold back my laughter and tip my face up toward the ceiling. My sweet daughter is right. Colton is obsessed with that game. I’ve tried my hardest to take an interest so I can play with him, but I don’t get it.

I wait and listen, curious what Colton will say, though I’m quite certain I know how he’ll respond. “Okay, fine,” he huffs, and I smirk. My little man can’t deny his sister anything. Hell, I’m a fool for her, too. One sweet smile, and Colt and I give her our hearts on a silver platter.

I’m so glad they’ve got each other. No matter what my kids go through, they go through it together. People often say that twins are different, and it’s true. They have a connection unlike anything I’ve ever seen before, right down to one of them knowing when the other is hurt. I’ve stopped trying to understand it and just count myself lucky for being their dad.

When I’m certain the kids are okay, I push away from the wall to find my bedroom. It’s the only room in the house I furnished myself, and truthfully, it’s strange having a room to myself, one that isn’t to Alice’s taste. I pause in the doorway, taking in the dark mahogany furniture, the entire room done up in black and browns. My eyes pause on the California King bed and my thoughts immediately turn to Ley and the fantasy we indulged in. Seeing her at Amara’s wedding unsettled me far more than I expected. She wasn’t meant to be more than a one-night-stand, but walking away from her was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I know I did the right thing for the kids, but I can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if I’d given her my number. I’ve thought of her so often since that night, and several times I was tempted to come back and hunt her down, even if it was just to have one more taste of her.

I think back to the pain and disappointment I saw in her eyes. I should’ve explained myself, but it wouldn’t change anything. I still can’t have her. My focus needs to be on the kids. I can’t give Leia all of me. I can’t introduce a woman into the kids’ lives, and I can’t date the way she’d want to. I can’t treat her the way she should be treated, and I refuse to give her half a man when she deserves the world.

I run a hand through my hair, my heart heavy with regret. I wish I could have a chance with her. I love my kids more than anything, but a part of me wishes I could be the man she wants. Leia wants the type of love that builds slowly. She wants to date, get married, and then try for a baby. The way she described her dreams to me made it obvious she’s the traditional kind.

Despite that, I can’t help but wonder what she’d think of the kids. Would she accept me and my twins, even though she might deserve better? For a few moments, I let myself daydream about a reality where I could be with her.

I’ve wanted more of her from the moment I drove away, knowing I gave her the wrong number. I left her behind, yet fate brought her back to me. I’m not a superstitious man, but I can’t dismiss this. I smile as I think back to her obsession with Mercury Retrograde, and I can’t help but wonder what she thinks of us running into each other again.

I sit down on my bed and stare out the window, my heart hopeful. I might not be able to be with her, but if she’ll let me, I can finally show her Mercury. If she’ll let me, I’d want nothing more than to spend a bit more time with her. I don’t know what it is about her, or what it was about that night, but I crave her presence. I can only hope she feels the same way.