Professor Astor: Chapter 15

“I can’t trust anyone else with VVIP clients, Ley,” my sister says. “Please tell me you can take on this client.”

I nod absentmindedly, a niggling feeling that I’ve been ignoring trying to come to the surface as I glance around Asha’s office. My mind is still on Thor, and every thought leads back to him. I wonder if I should’ve let him give me an explanation. It wouldn’t make anything right, but perhaps it would give me the closure I so desperately crave. It bothers me that he was so perfectly professional during our meeting, and it makes no sense. Isn’t that exactly why I wanted? “Do you know more about who the client is?” I ask.

I’ve been working part-time as a nanny for Asha’s business for years now. Initially, it was just because I wanted to help her out with her new business, but over time it’s become something I do because it soothes my soul. I might never have children of my own, but this way, I still get to play a motherly role. I’m aware it’s somewhat pathetic, but I’ve long learned to let myself do what makes me happy without judging myself for it.

“No. I don’t have a file for the family. They insist on briefing you in person, but they came with a dozen referrals, and they’re paying triple our usual rate.”

Asha asked me to take on a special client shortly before Amara’s wedding, and at the time I didn’t think much of it. It’s not uncommon for us to have celebrities or royalty as clients, but I have a feeling this is going to be different. I have a sinking feeling it’s going to be him. My rotten luck would make it so.

Besides, the Astor family is known for how far out of their way they go to maintain their privacy. Not giving us any information is exactly the kind of thing they’d do, lest our files leak.

I’m barely coping with having him as my professor, I can’t work for him too. I can’t face his kids after what we did, and I can’t be in his home day in and day out, not with the history we share.

For a moment, I consider telling my sister that she should find someone else, but I can see how stressed out she already is. Besides, I have no excuse whatsoever. I’ve been reassuring her for weeks that I’d take on this client for her, and I can’t back out at the last minute. She knows I only teach in the morning, which falls outside of the client’s requested working hours, so I can’t even use that as an excuse.

“Don’t worry,” I tell her. “It’s going to be okay. I’ve handled some of our worst clients with ease, haven’t I?”

Asha nods, but her gaze lingers on my face. “Are you okay?” she asks suddenly, and I tense, surprised.

“Of course. Why?”

She stares at me and shakes her head. “I’m not sure. You seem off, somehow. You’ve been quiet for a few days now. Is it because Amara got married? It won’t change anything between you two, you know? You won’t lose your best friend. If anything, Noah probably feels like the third wheel between you two.”

I smile at her words. She’s right. Poor Noah does seem like the third wheel between Amara and me. They’re on their honeymoon, but she’s texted me every single day. I internally apologize to my best friend and seize the excuse Asha is handing me.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” I tell her. “It’s still weird, though. I miss her already.”

Asha looks away, the hint of sorrow in her eyes telling me where her thoughts are leading her. “You should really date someone, you know? Mom is definitely going to start introducing you to the sons of her friends soon. You’ll be getting rishtas coming your way if you don’t find a man yourself.”

I roll my eyes and flip my hair over my shoulder at the mention of arranged marriage proposals. “Not everyone wants to get married, you know? Some of us enjoy our freedom.”

My sister crosses her arms and stares me down. “Do you? Do you enjoy your freedom? Because all I see is you working yourself to the bone without enjoying your youth. Hell, have one-night-stands every single night if you want. Go partying, get drunk. I’ll cover for you, Ley. Just don’t hide from life. Don’t isolate yourself because you’re scared of being vulnerable.”

I glare at my sister, her words hitting me where it hurts. “Did you ever stop to think that I enjoy being my myself? I don’t enjoy partying, Asha. I never did.”

“Fine,” she snaps. “But you’re hiding behind those romance novels you read. You’re clearly reading them because you’re looking for a connection, for emotions and experiences you lack in real life. That’s what escapism is, Leia. We get to lose ourselves in a world of make-belief… but you? You’re so ridiculously beautiful, so talented, so smart, and so incredibly kind. Everyone sees it but you. Put yourself out there, Leia, I beg of you. Give happiness a chance to find you. Please.”

My heart clenches painfully, and I push down the pain, leeching its force to fuel my anger. “You’re one to talk,” I say through gritted teeth. “Escapism?” I ask. “How about you stop trying to live vicariously through me and focus on your own supposed happiness instead? You accuse me of working myself to the bone, but what is it you’re doing? You spend more hours here than you do at home. When’s the last time you even went on a date with your husband? You’re projecting. Stop telling me what I should be doing when you don’t even have your own life together.”

I regret the words the second they leave my lips, but it’s too late. Tears spring into Asha’s eyes, and my heart starts to ache for a different reason.

“Leia… I care about you, okay? Of course, my life isn’t perfect. Life never is. No marriage is perfect, but I can assure you mine is filled with love, trust, and loyalty. Sure, having kids has been harder on us than we expected, but we’re dealing with it. We’re adapting, and we’re growing. That’s what couples do. Is it really so horrible that I want you to experience the thrill of falling in love and being with someone who completes you? Is it so bad that I want you to be happy?”

I look away, guilt rendering me speechless. I can feel my throat closing up and swallow hard in an effort to remain in control of my emotions. I know she wants what’s best for me, but I’m not like her. I don’t envision my future the way she does. I’m perfectly happy losing myself in books and movies. When I think of my future, I don’t see myself married. I gave up on that dream when I was diagnosed as a teenager. I saw what my family went through when I was sick, and I can’t ever make anyone else go through it too. I’m in remission, and there’s no guarantee it’ll remain that way. I prefer to be alone. That way, no one has to suffer alongside me. That way, I won’t deprive anyone of anything.

“Leia, you’re not broken,” Asha whispers, and I look up sharply. “I see the fear and the longing in your expression, sis. You might lie to yourself, but you’ll never be able to lie to me. Lash out at me all you want, Leia, but I’ll never stop pushing you to reach for what I know you want. Deep down in that locked down heart of yours, I know my words are resounding. Maybe if I repeat it often enough, you’ll start to believe it too. Leia, you’re not broken. You deserve happiness, just like anyone else does. You are enough as you are.”

A tear drops down my cheek, startling me. I wipe it away angrily and look away, my lower lip trembling. I swallow down my tears, refusing to look at my sister. I know she means well. I know she does. “Asha,” I whisper. “Please. Just leave me be.”

She shakes her head and walks up to me. “I won’t. If you won’t fight for yourself, I’ll do it for you. That’s what big sisters do.”

She places her hand on my shoulder and squeezes briefly before pulling away. Asha walks away, and the moment she closes her office door behind her, I burst into tears.