Professor Astor: Chapter 47

I’m exhausted as I park in front of the house Alice rented, not in the mood to deal with her. I wish I could’ve stayed in the Bahamas with Leia. Our night there passed far too quickly, and it made returning to Alice’s presence so much harder. I just want more time with my girl. I want more of the passion and happiness we shared.

I sigh as I stare at Alice’s house. Every conversation we’ve had has revolved around her asking me to reconsider our divorce, and I can’t figure her out. Why now?

She’s the one who asked for a divorce in the first place, so why is she regretting it now? I’m not in the mood for her games. I’m tired of the endless guilt-trip, the continuous reminders of how happy the kids would be to have us back together.

The thought of putting my own needs above the kids’ is making me feel sick to my stomach, and Alice knows it. It’s my one true weakness, and she’s using it against me.

Had I not had Leia in my life, I probably would’ve caved, and I’d have suffered through a loveless marriage for the rest of my days. It isn’t what I want for myself, and it isn’t the example I want to set for the kids. I want to show them that it’s okay to pursue happiness. Yes, things that are broken can often be fixed, but not always. It’s important for them to learn where to draw lines, and how to prioritize themselves.

Part of me worries that that’s just the way I try to justify my choice. I’m worried this is just what I’m trying to tell myself to cope with the guilt of choosing Leia over Alice. A bigger part of me knows it’s the right thing to do, though.

“Hey, munchkins,” I say, opening up my arms for them when they walk out of Alice’s front door. Lucy glares at me with red eyes, and Colton shakes his head silently, his expression torn.

“Hey, what happened?” I ask the kids. Colton pauses, hesitating, but then he continues to follow his sister to the car, leaving me at a loss.

I turn back to the front door to ask Alice what’s going on, but she’s already closed the door. Usually she at least waves the kids off. My heart sinks as a dozen scenarios flash through my mind. Did they fight with Alice? Is this about her going back and leaving them again soon, or is it something else? Something worse?

My thoughts are whirling as I get into the car, noting that neither of them chose to sit in the front. Usually I have to break up fights between them about who gets to ride next to me. Something is definitely wrong, and I have a sinking feeling that I know what it is.

“Are you two going to talk to me, or are you going to sulk first? This isn’t how we deal with grievances in this family, and you both know it.”

They both remain silent, and I’m at a complete loss. Throughout the entire divorce, we discussed everything. Alice and I made sure to continuously check in with them, to see how they’re feeling, and if they needed any support. Dialogue is what kept us together. Never before have they gone completely silent, and it worries me endlessly.

They’re out of the car almost as soon as we stop in front of the house, and I frown. I haven’t even had a chance to tell them that Leia is here for dinner, and I’m starting to worry having her here tonight isn’t a good idea.

The kids freeze in the hallway when they see Leia, and my suspicions are confirmed. “You,” Lucy says, her voice wobbly. “Because of you, Mum won’t come live with us again. It’s all your fault!”

She storms past Leia and stomps up the stairs, soft sobs escaping her lips, the sound of her grief fading away when she slams her bedroom door closed behind her. Colton hesitates in the hallway, his gaze on Leia. Her eyes have filled with tears, and she looks as though Lucy just struck her.

“Ley,” Colton says. “I’m sorry.”

He looks down at his feet, and Leia kneels in front of him, her hands on his shoulders. “Can you tell me what happened, Colton? Please?”

He looks at her and shakes his head. “Is it true?” he asks. “Are you and Dad in love? Is that why he left Mum?”

What the fuck? She looks at me, but I don’t know what to tell her. I know as much as she does. This is coming out of nowhere, and I don’t know what the right thing to do or say is. Most of the time I feel like I’m winging it as a parent, and this is one of those moments that makes me feel inadequate.

“It’s true that we’re in love, Colt,” I tell him. “It’s not true that Leia is the reason Mum and I got a divorce. You only met Leia after we moved here, remember?”

Colton stares at me, his gaze assessing, as though he’s searching for a lie. “Mum says that you knew Leia before we moved here. She told us that maybe auntie Amara introduced you two before, but that you definitely knew each other before.”

Fucking Alice. “I didn’t meet Leia until after your mum asked for a divorce, sweetheart. By the time I met Ley, our divorce papers were already signed. It had nothing to do with Leia.”

Colton just stares at me, looking conflicted. “Mum said that you would say that, but that it isn’t true. She said that Leia is the reason you two are no longer together. She told us that Leia is a home wrecker.”

I look up at Ley, her expression breaking my entire fucking heart. Fuck. What the fuck is even happening? How the fuck could Alice do this to us?

“It isn’t true, sweetheart,” I tell him. “I promise you that it isn’t true. Your mum and I always would’ve gotten a divorce. Leia had nothing to do with it. You know her, don’t you? Hasn’t she always loved you, always taken care of you?”

Colton nods, but he looks unsure. “But you two lied to us. Mum says that you lied and said she’s our nanny when she’s your girlfriend because you wanted us to get used to her.”

I sigh and run a hand through my hair. “Colt… ever since Leia became your nanny, haven’t you slowly come to love her? Haven’t you started to see her as part of our family? It was like that for me, too. When she started working as your nanny, she truly was just your nanny. But over time, I fell in love with her. Can you understand that?”

He purses his lips and nods. My sweet boy gets it, because he fell for Leia too. Not quite in the same way as I did, but she stole his heart too.

“Mum is still hurt, Colt. You know how you sometimes say things you don’t mean when you’re angry? Mum is like that too. Mothers and fathers are only human, Colt. Sometimes we say things we don’t mean. Mum is a little hurt that Leia has become part of our family. It’s hard for her, you understand? That’s why she’s saying these things, but she doesn’t mean it.”

He nods and looks down, as though he’s processing my words and trying to determine what is true, and what is false. I wish my kids didn’t have to go through this at all. Fucking Alice. That fucking bitch. I’ve done everything I could to ensure we could co-parent, even opening up my home to her at the risk of upsetting Leia. I gave her more than she deserved after she tore our family apart, and she repaid me by stabbing me in the fucking back.

“Go on,” I tell Colton. “Go get ready for bed.”

He nods and walks up the stairs, his expression pensive. The kids have gone through so much. I can’t believe Alice is putting them through even more.

“I’m sorry, baby,” I tell Leia. I walk up to her and cup her cheeks before pressing a kiss to her forehead. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

She shakes her head. “We knew this was a risk. I… I didn’t really expect this, to be honest, but we’ll handle it. I’m sure we will.”

I look into her eyes, taking in the quiet confidence mingled in with her pain. This is what I love most about her. The pure resilience. I’ve never once experienced stability like this before, and it’s insane how secure it makes me feel in our relationship. Leia isn’t going to walk away from me now that things are hard, and I have no doubt that we’ll get through whatever awaits us.

“I’d better go check up on Lucy.”

She looks away. “I should leave.”

I shake my head. “No way. They know now anyway. We move forward now, baby. Together.”

She nods, and I press another kiss to her forehead before walking up the stairs, praying I can talk some sense into my daughter when what I want to do is drive back to my ex-wife’s house and demand a fucking explanation.

“Lucy?”

I open her bedroom door to find her curled up in a ball, crying. It’s the kind of sobs that break my damn heart, the kind that rock her entire tiny body.

“Oh, Luce,” I murmur, sitting down beside her. I’m going to tell her everything I just told Colton, but I suspect she won’t hear me. Not the way Colton did.