Professor Astor: Chapter 48

“Lucy, please talk to me,” I whisper. “I miss you so much, Luce. Doesn’t a small part of you miss me too?”

She ignores me and continues to eat her dinner. It’s been over a week, and she hasn’t spoken a word to me. Thor and I weren’t sure what the right thing to do was, but we decided that I’d continue to work as their nanny, sticking to our routines as much as we can. Alice picks them up from school, and they spend the afternoon with her. Depending on whether Thor is working late or not, he’ll pick them up for dinner. If he’s working late, I’m the one who goes to pick them up.

I worry that things will never be the same, no matter how hard I try. I’m worried that the relationship we built is gone. She won’t stay in the same room as me unless she’s eating — the only time Thor has mandated that she must be at the table. Lucy won’t even take the books I keep trying to give to her, and Colton and I haven’t played a single game together.

I thought Colton, at least, might not hate me… but I was wrong. He avoids me as much as Lucy does, and it breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do or say. I understand that me being with Thor feels like a betrayal to them, but there’s no way for me to make them understand that I’m not the reason their mother left them. They’re too young to understand that even if I weren’t in the picture, their parents wouldn’t be getting back together.

I never even realized how much these two kids have come to mean to me. They’re right here with me, yet I feel empty. It isn’t even about Thor, or them accepting me as his partner. It’s not that at all. It’s about us, about the relationship I had with Lucy and Colton outside of my relationship with their father.

I swallow hard and glance at Colton, who won’t look up from his food. Is my presence harming them? I haven’t seen them smile even once in the last week, and the home they fought to build has turned into a battlefield. This isn’t what I want for them.

“How was your test, Colt?”

He looks up briefly before glancing back at his plate. “Good.”

“Oh yeah? How did you do?”

He shrugs, and I inhale deeply, desperation clawing at me. I miss them so much. I miss the way Colton laughs, and the way he’d teach me Roblox slang. I miss reading with Lucy, and the way she used to confide in me. I miss hanging out, and feeling like we were a united front, even against Thor when we needed to be.

I love them like they are my own, and for a moment, I let myself believe they felt the same way. It was never my desire to steal Alice’s place in their lives, but perhaps subconsciously, that is exactly what I was trying to do. I wanted a place in their lives that was never mine to take. I foolishly assumed that there’d be space for both Alice and me, and I’m starting to realize that I was wrong.

I rise from my seat when I hear the front door slam closed. I’ve never felt unwelcome here, but I do now. I can’t be here. Not when my presence is hurting both of the kids.

“Your father is home,” I tell them softly. “I’d better leave. I’ll pick you up from your mom’s tomorrow, so I’ll see you then.”

I turn to walk away, my mind torturing me with memories of me putting the kids to bed, helping them with excuses to stay awake a little longer, the three of us scheming against Thor. Those days will never turn from memory to reality again.

“Leia?” Thor murmurs when I meet him in the hallway.

I shake my head. “I need to go,” I whisper.

“Don’t, baby. Please.”

He walks up to me and cups my cheeks before dropping his forehead to mine. “Princess,” he whispers. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Seeing your heart break like this… I can’t fucking take it. Tell me what to do. Tell me how to make this better?”

I rise to my tiptoes and press my lips against his, recharging myself. “You can’t,” I murmur against his lips. “There isn’t anything you can do, my love.”

I take a step away, and he grabs my hand, his gaze pleading. “I need to go, Thor. I can’t do this tonight, okay? I just… I can’t.”

He looks at me with such desperation that I almost cave, but I can’t. “We’re fine, Thor. We’re okay, I swear. I just need a moment, that’s all.”

He nods, but he doesn’t let go of my hand. His hand doesn’t slip out of mine until the very last moment, as though he’s hanging onto us as much as I am. I wonder if it’s enough.

I’m absentminded as I walk to my car, my mind made up as I get behind the wheel. This can’t go on like this. I can’t see the kids hurting like this.

Before I consciously realize what I’ve done, I’m parking in front of Alice’s house. I second-guess my decision for a split-second, but then I shake my head. Maybe this is the worst idea I’ve ever had, but I can’t not do this. I’ll always live with the regret if I don’t tell her what I need to.

“Leia.” She sounds mildly surprised to see me when she opens the door, her eyes trailing over my body.

“Alice,” I say, my voice breaking. “Please stop. I’m begging you. Just stop.”

She smiles then, pure viciousness flickering in her eyes. “I won’t stop until you leave my husband.”

I don’t even have it in me to remind her that their divorce went through over two years ago, and they’ve been separated for much longer than that. “Alice, I honestly couldn’t care less if you want to pursue Adrian and do whatever you can to win him back. I will never compete with a woman over a man. Never. If you manage to win him over and he decides the give you another chance, good for you. Will I have lost the love of my life? Yes. But it’d be for the best, because if you can seduce him away from me, he was probably never truly mine to begin with. That’s something I might never get over, but I’d learn to live with it.”

I pause and run a hand through my hair, trying to find the right words. “I’m not asking you to stop trying to get Adrian back, Alice. I’m asking you to stop sabotaging my relationship with Lucy and Colton. I’m not just asking you, I’m begging you.”

A tear drops down my cheek, and I swipe it away angrily. I don’t want to show her my pain, but it’s overflowing.

“I love your kids, Alice. I love them with my entire heart and soul. When Lucy cries, my entire heart breaks, and it feels like I might suffocate. When anyone even remotely mistreats them, I see red. When Colton is sick, I can’t sleep because I’m so worried that I can’t close my eyes. When Lucy first moved here and would barely speak, hiding away behind her books, I was the one who coaxed her playful-self back out. I did it because I understood. I was once her, too. It wasn’t part of my job — I did it because I care. When she’s lonely, I’m the one who takes her on a girl’s day out on my day off. When Colton has a bad day, I’m the one who plays games I don’t even like with him. I’m telling you this not to offend you, or to make you feel like I’m trying to take your place, because that’s the last thing I ever expect to do. I’m telling you this to illustrate that I truly, wholeheartedly, love them. I’ve done all I can to make sure your absence doesn’t harm them, that they continue to grow up to be the wonderful people I know they’ll be. Even if I walk away now, can you say with full certainty that the woman who comes after me will love them like I do? If there’s going to be a woman in their lives who isn’t you, wouldn’t you rather have someone who loves them as much as she loves their father?”

I take a step back and sniff, my tears falling uncontrollably. “Please think about what you’re doing to them, Alice. I’m begging you. Yes, you’re killing me, and yes, this is putting considerable strain on my relationship with Adrian. But honestly? He and I are going to be okay. We’ll recover from anything you might throw at us. Will the kids? If I end up marrying Adrian, will what you’re doing right now be in their best interests?”

I take one last look at her, hoping she heard anything I just said, but knowing that she probably didn’t. She’s won. My relationship with the kids is destroyed, and it probably won’t recover.