Forty-Six: Take Or Leave What You Will 3/3

Even without the ability to see Emery's face he could feel the surprise his admission had caused. He could have stopped there. Emery would have let him, but the awareness this night had brought Josh couldn't be shaken away. Emery deserved everything. "But it's not an excuse either, being terrified, or having never felt this before. I don't have a good enough excuse—"

"Josh—"

"No, please," he insisted, afraid he'd never say everything Emery had a right to hear if he stopped now. "Please let me get this out. That night in your office, I... I should have asked you then and there. If that was a power trip, if you got off on getting people to say they were into you only to ask their price the next minute."

He could feel Emery's agitation even before Emery turned on the small light, nearly blinding Josh for a moment. "It was never that—"

"I know." He pulled Emery close again, blinking to try and get used to the light. This conversation would have been easier in the dark, but maybe that was a sign that it was better had this way. Josh's ease had done enough damage. "I know that now, but I didn't then, and I should have asked. If you'd been the kind of guy who did that I wouldn't have fallen for you, and if you weren't then there had to be a different explanation. I should have asked."

Emery looked on the verge of arguing, eyebrows slanted upwards, but Josh wouldn't let him. "I didn't ask because a part of me..." Josh let out another breath. All the dots he'd never connected were coming together in his mind, and the picture they painted of him was an unflattering one. "A part of me thought it was better that way. Thinking you just weren't worth it."

From combative to crestfallen in a heartbeat. The corners of Emery's mouth and his eyebrows were angled in the same downwards curve, expressive brown eyes moist. He swallowed convulsively before asking, "Why?"

Josh hated seeing that look in his eyes even for a second. "Because then it wouldn't be this. I've always had safe relationships. Nice, comfortable, low maintenance. What I feel for you..." He had trouble putting it into words but, looking at Emery, he knew he had to do more than try — he had to get it right. "You were supposed to be this guy who was more or less aloof and more or less stuck his foot in it with complete strangers, and who was a bit of an ass sometimes, and that was it. A footnote in the list of people I met. And instead you turned out to be... You."

He leaned his forehead on Emery's, relieved to see his ache was easing. "You turned out to be someone who made me want to know more about math." A kiss. "Someone who made me want to have a suit to wear." Tender hands on his face. "I don't do suits, Emery. I don't do math either. I don't... I don't listen to people reading poetry and forget the world's still turning, and I don't pretend my clients need daily reports when they don't. You made me want things I'd never wanted before, you still make me want things I've never wanted before, and you... You make me want all that so damn much that, when you aren't there, it hurts."

So much for not having the words. They kept coming now, one after the other, and Josh didn't want to stop. He wanted Emery to hear everything, to know everything. "I had it all figured out so it wouldn't hurt, and you went and tossed it out the window and rewrote the book. I've been trying to keep control of my life and you won't let me. And it took me this long to see that I'm glad you won't let me, because you're worth risking it all."

Emery's eyes were a mix of astonishment and yearning — as if Josh weren't already his down to his last molecule. He sucked in a breath before voicing, "You... You've seen me, Josh. All of me, every thought, every mundane thing that holds my interest. How can you—"

Leaving himself open to the strength of his feelings had unintended consequences, Josh realised; the sudden hot spike of loathing that lanced through him left him nauseous. "If I ever come across that Vincent, I fucking swear I'm going to make him sorry he was born."

Emery sat back, startled.

Josh let out a breath; it was hard trying to reign in his emotions now that he'd allowed them to overtake him. "I'm sorry. I know it's not my fight. But you're none of the things he said. You're the love of my life, and you're the most amazing man I ever met, and if you want to start considering other people's opinions of you then start with mine instead of his, okay? Because he's a lying bastard and I'm here giving you all the honesty I have, so that has to count for something."

The sound Emery made was somewhere between sob and laughter. "The obvious conclusion would be that you've taken leave of all your senses, but I'll do my best to consider scenarios in which you feel that way while retaining your sanity."

Josh laughed, hatred abating. "You know it's not just me, right? You know the bedhead is dying to get in your pants?"

"The... bedhead?" Emery sounded perplexed.

Fuck, he'd said that aloud. Well, now he had to explain, didn't he? He felt his cheeks aflame with his own childishness. "Tony. I've sort of been calling him that in my mind."

Emery's mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water before he finally asked, "Why?"

"You really have to ask? Because I've been so damn jealous of him I had to call him something. I know I don't even know the man, but I've been hating the sound of his name for months now. That's another thing I never used to do — jealousy."

"Tony's a friend." Emery reassured him with a soft smile. "Yes, he once implied he'd be open to there being... Benefits to that friendship, but there are no feelings involved. He wasn't offended when I indicated I don't see him in that light. How could I, when all I've been able to see is you?"

So the man had made a move. And Emery had turned him down, and they'd remained friends. Instead of the unfamiliar jealousy he'd been battling, Josh felt something else take its place. A sort of gratitude, that Emery had had someone stick by him even when they didn't get all they wanted from him. He'd had too few people like that in his life.

"Okay, then. If he's a friend, his opinion has to be worth more than the lying bastard's. Everyone's opinion has to matter more." He paused for a minute. "I guess this means I have to like him now?"

"Not at all." Still that soft smile. "I like him. You don't have to. But I do ask that you're open to the idea of that happening on its own, once you've properly met him."

"If you promise me something in return," Josh said, and, for once, it wasn't something he'd just blurted without thought.

Emery rose an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"This — us — sooner or later I'm going to screw up badly." 'If you work for it,' Zoe had said. Emery would never make him work for it, and no matter how careful Josh was, that wouldn't end well. "I don't want to — I'm trying not to — but I will. And we've both seen you're the one who ends up getting hurt when I do that. Promise me you won't let me get away with it."

"Josh, you haven't—"

"I have. And you keep giving me free passes, that's what I'm saying. I don't want a free pass if I'm hurting you. Whatever rose-tinted glasses you have when it comes to me, promise you'll try to take them off?

Emery shook his head fondly. "You're unbelievable. You offer me all manner of compliments and in return I'm supposed to be seeing you as less than what you are?"

"No. You're supposed to be seeing me as I am. Because that's the guy who wants to spend the rest of his life with you, but that's also the guy who's learning all of this for the first time at forty-six. You're the love of my life." He repeated, for the pleasure of seeing the look on Emery's face when he heard those words. "The last thing I want to do is hurt you."

"Okay," Emery nodded, voice choked as he leaned in to kiss him. "You have my word. Though you must know you're the love of mine as well."

All out of words at long last, they traded kisses back and forth, murmured endearments and shared caresses that grew in intensity between them. Either they'd spent longer talking than he realized or his recovery time wasn't as poor as he'd painted it in his mind, Josh thought, thrilled with every touch.

When he'd woken up that morning he'd thought the night would be a sad one. Instead he had everything he needed, everything that completed him, right here in his arms. Emery had asked him whether this was a beginning or an end. The answer was: a beginning.

Definitely a beginning.