10: Mind Is A Prison

❝ And they put me back in my cell, all by myself, alone with my thoughts again, guess my mind is a prison and I'm never gonna get out ❞

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For the next one week, all I felt was numb. I avoided everyone I could, even Katie, dismissing her worries by telling her I was just not feeling myself after the rash intake of alcohol at the party.

I assumed everyone in our friend circle knew what had happened but had decided to keep mum about it for which I was grateful. I didn't need people to fuss over me and worry about me.

I skipped school for three days and not only because I wasn't ready to face anyone, or Ray in particular, but also because I was burning with 102°F fever. Mom thought it would be better if I called in sick.

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday was skipped and Saturday, Sunday was spent in my room amongst all the circling thoughts and a heavy baggage which had settled on my chest and wasn't in the mood to leave anytime soon.

I always had the fear of abandonment. My dad left for places we weren't even aware of and allowed to know due to high levels of secrecy involved at the military level. He sometimes was away for a month or even for a whole year. My mom and I were always on the edge for the very rare text messages or phone calls from him to know that he was safe.

He loved his job and so we supported him with all we could. We respected his choices and tried to enjoy every little moment we got to spend with him. But that evoked in me something which confused and scared me. I gradually started to become very afraid of people close to me leaving me and never coming back. Though my dad always came back, we were never sure of what tomorrow held for us.

When Ray left me at the party, I felt that familiar pain in my chest which appeared whenever my dad left for his job. I didn't know why, but I was shit scared about him leaving me alone.

Moreover, these feelings that had started slowly covering and building in my heart confused me more than ever. Why would I want to do anything with him? Why would I want to help him? Why would I want to try and get to know him?

For any other person, Ray was just another stuck-up kid who had anger issues. He was just another delinquent who was heartless. But to me, he was like a real Ray of sunshine on a gloomy day. His name did seem contradictory to his personality, but in reality, he did match the meaning of his name.

Sure, he did insult me, push me away but he was gradually letting his walls down and I was very grateful for that.

But the hurt wouldn't leave me. Why did he leave me? Why did he walk off yesterday at the party? Everytime we seemed to get somewhere with a decent conversation, everytime his eyes held emotion and depth to them, he pulled himself back to the person he made everyone see.

And I was done being the target of his hot and cold behavior. I was done being someone who could be walked off on. I was done being the girl assumed to be used just because she was drunk. I was done with everything and everyone.

And just when I tried to close my eyes shut, the feel of his hands wouldn't go off my body. The way his disgusting hands held me tight, the way his hand shut my mouth wouldn't escape from my vision.

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

××

"Have you packed in the medicines I gave you?" Asked mom, as she raised an eyebrow suspiciously. I was being forced to take vitamin supplements even when I had fully recovered and been advised by the doctor to not take anything. My mom, being the protective and over caring mom she is, decided to supply my stick like body with vitamins.

"Yes, for God's sake I have packed them!" I smacked my head and showed her where I had kept them in my school bag.

"Fine, off you go! Katie, I expect you to take care of her!" Warned my mom as Katie nodded politely and grabbed my hand.

"Jesus June, your mom is a living Molly Weasley!" And we both laughed at the Harry Potter reference.

"I know, I know. She gives all of her love to me, because dad isn't here, you know."

"Speaking of which, when is your dad coming back? Any news from him?" Katie was the only one who knew about my dad.

"I don't know. The last message we received from him was two months ago. He said he was doing fine and that the next time he updated us, he'd tell us when was he coming back. So, we're just waiting." Sighing, I breathed in the fresh air.

"Oh, I'm sure he'll be back soon. I'm glad you're okay now! Damn didn't I miss you for a whole week? I mean, your mom wouldn't even allow us to meet you!" Katie pouted as she mindlessly kicked the pebbles on the road.

Well, who would tell her it was I who told my mom—actually warned my mom—to not let anyone in considering my messed up mental state.

"I missed you too. What did you do at school when I wasn't there?" I could do whatever to take things off my mind, even if that meant listening to Katie's daily report on the school's internal gossip.

"Well, not much. I did sit with your new friends at lunch though. They're pretty cool." She nodded her head, as if appreciating the thought. At the mention of my new friends, my thoughts did flicker to Ray.

I pretty much shouted at him the other day. I knew I went too far but I was tired of him behaving differently every time he was around me. I had taken enough efforts to try and get to know him, to make him understand that I was going to be there for him whenever he needed me.

"They asked about you, but I didn't tell them much. Turns out only Olivia, Ray and I know about what actually happened," She turned to me and gave me a sad look. I knew she wanted to talk to me about it but I wasn't ready yet.

"Oh..." I trailed off, not sure what to say.

"Ray hasn't been to school since the incident as well."

I snapped my head at her to see her face completely serious. She seemed to be guilty of telling me this, but from the determination in her eyes, I understood that she knew she made the right decision by telling me this new piece of information.

"What?" I snap.

"Yeah, he hasn't been seen around the school, and even the others are unaware of what he is upto. Olivia did get a text from him to not worry but the others are shit scared. They were talking about something being repeated from his past," Katie linked her arms with mine and continued, "Honestly June, I don't know why they're worried if he has informed them he's okay."

Something from his past repeating...?

"Olivia told me not to tell you," Katie shrugged as the school came in sight. "Oh and also, just FYI, Stefan didn't ask about you. That's not a surprise, but anyways."

I knew Stefan wasn't the one to show excessive care but I did expect a text from him.

What to say, all I ever received my entire life is fear, hurt and pain. The pain of being a second option, the pain of being no one's choice or the pain of being taken for granted.

Sighing, I entered English class hoping to immerse and get lost in Gatsby to forget all the itching events from over the last week.

××

"That's it for the day, I hope you all read upto what we have done today for the next class. I'll be asking questions." Stated Ms Woods before she dismissed us.

I scrambled out of the classroom towards the cafeteria to find Katie sitting with Ray's friends. She waved me over as the groups eyes settled on me.

"So June's back!" Exclaimed Katie, rubbing her hands together. Everyone fell silent and just continued to observe me.

"It's great to have you back June," Olivia sent a genuine smile towards me, as she squeezed my hand.

"Yeah, we missed you and your rants!" Smirked Simon, before flicking me with his fingers on my forehead. I laughed and hit his arm to which he feigned fake pain and then everyone laughed.

"It's really great to have you back." Jack gave me a side hug as he was sitting right next to me and patted my head like a little child.

"I can't but link this to the party on Tuesday. Ray has been acting weird and not showing up as well. Do you know anything about him?" Jason inquired.

I caught the panicked glance Simon sent to Olivia and how Jack quietly fiddled with his fingers. I think they were trying to leave Jason in the dark as well.

"I don't know. Why isn't he coming to school, Olivia?" I decided to be upfront about it.

For two minutes, all that we could hear at our table was the noises around us made by the other kids. Some nonsensical gossips or the scraping of chairs or the clashes of the cutlery with plates. But those noises weren't enough to zone out the voices and thoughts inside our head.

"Could I talk to you in personal June?" Olivia stood up, and looked at me expectantly.

I nodded curtly and followed behind her as she led us to an empty hallway. As she closed the door behind me, I turned around and crossed my arms over my chest.

"So..." I drawled, waiting for her to spill.

"I'm in no place to tell you what's Ray's past or what are his personal problems, but I sure as hell can tell you that Ray has some issues. Some things.." she paused and gulped, "still affect him if they occur or things similar to it. And he has a very different way of coping those—I mean he had or he maybe still does—I'm not sure."

She paused again and this time, she looked up right into my eyes—her eyes were wattery and glossy, which held immense concern and pain. For a moment I was taken aback by the sincerity and her genuine worry for Ray and my heart beat fast, understanding the intensity of the situation.

"W—What do you mean by his way of coping things?" My voice croaked.

I could see that she was struggling with her words, but I couldn't help but ask.

"I told you June, I'm in no place to tell you. But the point being, we're all scared. We've seen him at his lowest points and it does get really scary. I know he has told us he's okay, but I'm really worried. That day, after you stormed out of my house, he started acting differently, like he used to back then."

I could tell Olivia was scared and her fear was very acceptable. I was sweating myself and rather than all those questions circling my mind, right now, all I wanted was for Ray to come in front of me and tell me that he was fine.

The anger for him was long gone and replaced by undying worry and fear. He couldn't just do anything stupid. He couldn't leave us.

"Could you give me his address?" I was going to start looking for him.

Olivia laughed a humorless laugh and shook her head. "Would you believe me June if I told you that he never told us where he lived?"

I scoffed in disbelief but the way Olivia was shaking her head, it was obvious that she was telling the truth.

"He never told us where he lived. He either hung out at Simon's place or at school. He used to slip away whenever we said that we would follow him to his place. You must know that we may be his friends but we aren't really his friends." She looked sad. She was hurt by how Ray chose to not trust them.

I felt sorry for Olivia but I didn't blame Ray. I knew what it felt like to have secrets, as dirty as dirt, and to be fearful of them being disclosed. I wondered how the boy endured it. I wondered how he managed to stay anchored. I hoped that he atleast had a single person in his life that kept him sane. I wanted to cry and run into his arms and just tell him that it would all be okay.

But where was he?

I had to find out. I had apologize to him for turning back on him that day. I had to tell him that I would be there for him no matter what.

I didn't realise I was running in the hallway and pushing people recklessly. I didn't care. I didn't give a flying fuck right now. I'd apologize to them later.

I saw two bodies tucked behind a wall near the washroom, sucking their mouths off. The guy's hand moved across the girl's thigh as she grinded on him. I wanted to gag but not right now.

As I ran forward, they stumbled back and collided into me. Looking closely and clearing my vision, the guy looked very much familiar.

As he turned his head probably to curse me for his mistake, my suspicions were proved right.

He was none other than Stefan.

Making out with Evelyn Johnson.

Great.

I wanted to scream but not right now.

Stefan looked like he wanted to say something but I just showed him the middle finger and didn't bother to look back. So this is what he was doing at those endless, sweaty practices he claimed to be at.

Wiping away the tears, I made a run towards the school office, a flicker of hope still alive in me, a face still anchoring me to the ground, a boy still making me hold my shit together.

He could hate me for all he wanted but I would try to make him love himself. I would try to show him the beautiful things about him like those wonderful drawings of his, his wise perspective.

I would try my best.

Because I was finally coming in terms with the fact that I cared more for Ray than I had originally planned for.

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who's your favorite underrated artist/artists? mine are Alec Benjamin, keshi and Chase Atlantic <3